Your Voice
Dylan.
I was knackered when I got home on Friday, and even though I had been looking forward to having an early night, I was still disappointed that I wouldn’t get to see Kade. But it was only 2 days until Sunday, when we’d be able to spend the day together. I’d be able to make it until then. Instead, I just got changed into my pyjamas, heated up my dinner, and went into the living room. I instantly knew something was up with Gemma. She was quiet and subdued and so un-Gemma-like. She wasn’t really interested when I asked her about her day or how the project with Kade was going.
“You okay, Gem?” I asked, once I'd finished eating. She was watching Scrubs but it didn’t really seem like she was taking it in.
“Yeah,” she smiled, “just thinking.”
“About anything specific?” I asked, knowing that there was.
“Just thinking about Kade,” she said and I frowned in concern.
“What about him, is he okay?” I asked and she smiled gently at me and nodded.
“He’s fine,” she said and I nodded, relaxing somewhat.
“You went over to his tonight, didn’t you?” I asked. She’d been home when I got back, but I assumed they’d stuck to that plan.
“Yeah,” she nodded slowly.
“Did something happen?” I asked. God, talking to Gemma was like pulling teeth, I swear. If I wanted her to tell me something, she didn’t make it easy.
“It was odd,” she said and I frowned. “Did you know his parents don’t know how to sign?”
“At all?” I asked and she shook her head. “Wow,” I muttered. Poor Kade… “I knew they didn’t talk to Kade much, but I didn’t know that they didn’t talk to him at all.”
“I had to translate what his dad said when I met him,” she said and I frowned and shook my head.
“That’s not right,” I said. “I wish I could take him away from there…”
“I know,” she murmured. “His parents don’t know he’s gay,” she added and I nodded.
“Yeah, I’d guessed,” I said.
“I think Kade sort of…led his dad to believe he and I were…you know, dating,” she said and my eyes widened.
“What?” I asked in shock and somewhat hurt. Even though I knew Kade hadn’t done it intentionally, or deliberately to hurt me, it still struck a nerve that he told his dad he was with Gemma.
“You okay?” she asked and I just shrugged.
“I guess,” I said. “What actually happened?” Gemma sighed before she told me about the conversation they’d had with Kade’s dad. It wasn’t as bad as I was expecting; Kade’s dad had only made assumptions that Kade hadn’t confirmed or denied.
“And then his dad went to get his mum…and I guess his dad had told her that I was Kade’s girlfriend, because she came in all excited that she might have a daughter-in-law eventually,” she said and my lips parted in shock but I didn’t know what to say. “I didn’t translate that for Kade, though, so he doesn’t know that.” I lowered my eyes and looked at my hands, which were knotted together in my lap. Kade had let his parents believe he had a girlfriend…how was I supposed to feel about that? At the end of the day, I knew it didn’t really matter. Because Kade was my boyfriend and I knew he cared about me, that he wanted to be with me. But it kind of hurt that he so willingly swept me under the rug. “You shouldn’t take it personally, Dylan,” Gemma said gently and I looked up in question. “It’s his parents. Kade said that his dad was never proud of him, but having a girlfriend was something that made him proud. I just…I don’t think he gets on with his parents. You can’t blame him for wanting their approval in something.”
“I don’t blame him,” I said softly, shaking my head. “I know this isn't his fault. It’s just…I don’t like that Kade has such a crappy deal with his parents. I know a lot of gay people pretend they have a girlfriend or a boyfriend with their parents so they don’t find out. But it just seems so much worse with Kade, because he already thinks they’re disappointed in him because he’s deaf.”
“Yeah, and you know, I think they might be,” she said and I frowned. “Yeah, like when I was talking to his parents, they didn’t really acknowledge Kade all that much. And they didn’t make an effort to sign anything, or speak clearly so he could read their lips. I just don’t think they bother that much…”
“That’s awful,” I sighed, falling back against the sofa.
“It makes me extra grateful that I had you,” Gemma smiled, squeezing my hand. “I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t learnt sign with me.”
“I wouldn’t have let you go through that on your own,” I smiled at her and she smiled back. Our smiles gradually faded as we realised that Kade’s parents had let him go through it on his own.
“He’s had to deal with a lot,” Gemma whispered and I nodded. On the one hand, I was incredibly proud of him for what he’d pulled himself out of. And on the other, I wished he was just a tad bit braver and could come out to his parents and introduce me as his boyfriend. I was so incredibly proud to go places with Kade, to hold his hand and have people know that he’s mine. That he chose me. I just wished he felt the same; that he wanted to show me off to his parents. And I knew that was incredibly selfish of me…but I couldn’t help it. If my parents were still here, I would have introduced them to Kade weeks ago. “Are you gonna say something to him?” Gemma asked and I sighed. How could I? It wasn’t my place to force him to come out to his parents. I couldn’t exactly demand that he come out. But at the same time, it did kind of hurt that he lied. Allowing his parents to believe that Gemma was his girlfriend was just as bad as saying he didn’t have a boyfriend.
“I dunno,” I said quietly. “I’ll think about it.”
Later that night, I considered logging in to Skype to see if Kade was online. Part of me wanted to talk to him, but part of me didn’t. And I hated that. I’d never not wanted to talk to him before. And it wasn’t even that I didn’t want to talk with him, but I just didn’t know what I wanted to say. Did I want to confront him about what happened with Gemma and his parents or did I want to pretend like I didn’t know? It was so hard. I didn’t want to make Kade feel bad for saying that Gemma was his girlfriend…but on the other hand, I kind of did. I wanted him to know that it had kinda hurt.
I lay awake for several hours, wondering what to do. I sent Kade a text wishing him goodnight, as I always did, but that was all. Kade probably picked up that something was up, because we very rarely went a night without talking at all, but he didn’t say anything, just wished me a goodnight in response. Maybe he was distracted too, thinking about what had happened with his parents. I was itching to pick up my phone and tell him to go on Skype so we could talk, but I didn’t. I needed time to process, to think about it properly without being swayed by Kade’s wide, innocent eyes.
All the next day, I was thinking about Kade. I was distracted in my lectures, but not in the way I normally was. Normally, I thought about Kade, about when I’d next see him, when I’d next be able to hold him, to kiss him. But that Saturday, I was thinking about how he could so easily deny being in a relationship with me. Had he even felt bad for doing it? It was stuck in the back of my mind, just constantly there and it was starting to drive me insane. I was starting to realise that I did need to talk to Kade about it. Otherwise it was just going to eat away at me until I blew it way out of proportion. I knew it hadn’t been personal; it had nothing to do with me, really. But still, it hurt. I’d even told John about Kade in one of those moments when we were more friends than boss-and-assistant. I’d shown him a picture and he’d joked about me being a cradle robber, which was true, but I didn’t really care about that. So Kade was a couple years younger than me. Initially, I knew I had been concerned about the age difference, but I didn’t really see it anymore. All I saw now was a boy who I was falling head over heels in love with. And who pretended like I didn’t exist…
I stared at a mark on the window of the train the whole way home, hardly even blinking, just lost in my thoughts. I nearly missed my stop and jumped off the train at the very last second before heading to the car park. Usually, I walked to the station, but I’d been running late that morning after having had a restless night, so I decided just to pay the outrageous parking fees. My thoughts were all over the place as I drove, and it was only when I took a left turn instead of the right that I realised I was heading to Kade’s house. I may not know what I wanted to say, but I knew I had to say something.
Once I got to his house, I parked the car and then just sat there for a while. What was I supposed to do? Eventually, I pulled out my phone, texted Gemma that I would be home later, and climbed out of the car.
Considering the number of time’s I’d dropped Kade home, I found it weird that I’d never actually even been to his front door before… I rang the doorbell, my stomach suddenly in knots. A middle aged woman opened the door and I smiled politely while subtly looking over her shoulder for Kade. “Hi,” I smiled. “Um, is Kade home?” It suddenly hit me that he might not be; he could be at mine with Gemma for all I knew.
“Yes,” she said, motioning me inside. “Are you a friend of his?”
“Uh, yeah,” I said, standing in the hallway. “I’m Dylan.” His mother nodded with a smile.
“I’ll just go get him, one minute,” she said and I nodded as she headed up the stairs. I bit my lip as I looked around the hallway. It was fairly empty. The walls were a cream colour and there was a photo hanging of his mother and who I assumed to be his father at their wedding. There was a table with a vase and flowers and a family photo from when Kade must have been about three. God, he was a cute child.
I turned my attention back to the stairs when I heard footsteps and smiled at Kade’s mum as she walked down. “He’s coming down in a sec,” she said. “Do you want to wait in the living room?”
“Um, sure,” I smiled, following her lead. The living room was painted similar colours to the hallway, and there were a few more photos on display. I wanted to look at them, but my attention was drawn to the middle aged man in the armchair who stood when I entered the room.
“This is Dylan,” Kade’s mum said. “He’s a friend of Kade’s.”
“Oh, hi,” he smiled, shaking my hand. “How do you know Kade? You look too old to be in school.”
“Yeah, he’s friends with my sister,” I said and he frowned curiously.
“Is that Gemma?” he asked and I nodded. “She was a nice girl,” he smiled and I smiled back tightly as he looked at his wife. “Kade needs someone like her in his life. She looked like she’d be good for him.” I bit my tongue hard to stop myself from saying anything.
I turned when I heard someone coming down the stairs and watched as Kade froze in the doorway. “I thought you were Gemma,” he signed and I just shook my head.
“We need to talk,” I signed and Kade nodded warily.
“Oh, do you sign, too?” Kade’s mum asked and I turned my attention reluctantly back to her as I nodded.
“My sister lost her hearing a couple of years ago, so I learnt for her,” I told them and Kade’s mum let out a strange noise. I frowned in confusion and she took a step forward and took hold of my hand.
“It’s so hard, isn’t it?” she asked, looking up at me. “Having a deaf person in the family. It makes everything a million times harder for us. I mean, I’m sure you know that too. How have your parents coped?”
“They passed away before she lost her hearing,” I said, though my attention wasn’t really on what I was saying but on what she’d said. I could hardly even believe the words coming out of her mouth. She thought this was hard for her?
“Oh, I’m sorry,” she said and I nodded.
“So you were the one who had to look after Gemma?” she asked and I nodded again. “How did you deal with it? It’s so hard to communicate. We can’t ask him to do anything and having to write things down is so time consuming. It’s like he might as well not be in the house. How did you adjust?” I pulled my hand out of hers as quickly as I could without seeming too rude and took a step back. I could hardly comprehend what she was saying. How could she think she was in a worse situation than Kade? Sure, it was hard, I could appreciate that, but it was 10 times harder for Kade.
“I learnt sign language,” I said and her face fell slightly. “Nice meeting you, but I need to talk to Kade.”
With that, I turned and grasped Kade’s arm and led him upstairs. Once we were at the top, I realised that I didn’t actually know which his room was, but he took over and led the way. We didn’t really need to be in private for this conversation – it’s not like his parents would know what we were saying – but I felt like we should be.
“Gemma told you,” he signed and I nodded even though I knew it hadn’t been a question. He sighed softly and sat on his bed. I took a moment to look away from him. His room was painted light blue, though the paint had chipped in a couple places. He had a book shelf full of books; the spines of the majority were broken. I couldn’t help but smile. Kade was such a nerd, but I kinda loved that about him. His laptop was sitting on his desk with Skype running on the screen and I couldn’t help but wonder whether he had been waiting for me to log in once I got back from lectures.
Finally, I turned my attention back to the bed, where Kade was sitting cross legged and watching me anxiously. “Before you say anything, can I explain?” he signed and I sighed and nodded as I sat on the bed next to him. “I am not out to my parents, you know that. I only realised I was gay like, a month ago. I hardly even talk to my parents, so I do not know how I would come out. How would I even tell them? I would have to mime it or something and…” He stopped with a sigh and shook his head. “I don’t really feel close to my parents. And it’s not really something I want to share with them. I let them believe I am with Gemma because it made them happy and they’re so rarely happy for me that I just…I let them believe it. They’ve never been proud of me like that, not since I lost my hearing. I just liked that feeling, just for a moment.”
“I know,” I said, resting my hand on his. I could see he was getting upset and I didn’t want that. “I didn’t come here to yell at you or anything. I just…I was driving myself crazy thinking about it and I knew it would be better just to talk to you instead.”
“Are you angry with me?” he asked, gazing up at me and my heart melted a little bit.
“No,” I said honestly. I’d felt a variety of things when Gemma had told me, but I don’t think I’d been angry. “I’ve been thinking a lot and I was never angry. Just…hurt.” I watched Kade’s face fall as he parted his lips but I shook my head and continued. “Please just let me get this out. I mean, I’ve never had a boyfriend before, but I’d always sort of thought that when I did, he’d be proud to be with me, I guess.” Kade let out a small half-squeak-half-whimper sound which almost derailed me, but I continued. “My parents were the most important people in the world to me, besides Gemma of course. If they were here, I couldn’t imagine not wanting to show you off to them. And I guess it just hurt that you don’t feel that way about me. And that you would even use my sister as a cover to escape ever having to introduce me… I just kinda felt…unwanted.”
God, and now I felt like an utter girl. I quickly stood up and took a deep breath as I walked over to his window which looked down over my car. What was I meant to say now? Should I add on that it’s really no big deal, that he continue to hide me away? I didn’t want to ask him to come out to his parents for me, no matter how much I would like it. At the end of the day, it was his decision. And in all honesty, I could see his reasons for not coming out to them. They didn’t seem like the most tolerant of people.
I closed my eyes when I heard Kade get off the bed and come to stand next to me. Eventually, I opened them and turned to look down at him. His eyes were glossy and I knew he was on the verge of crying. I hadn’t meant for that to happen, I just wanted him to know how I’d felt.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you,” he signed and I smiled softly.
“I know, baby,” I whispered and he smiled weakly.
“If I thought I had parents who loved me unconditionally, I would introduce you. I would have introduced you weeks ago, as soon as you asked me to be your boyfriend,” he signed and I smiled sadly. I hated that he thought his parents didn’t love him. I’m sure they did. They must do, right? All parents loved their children, it was just a rule. “But they don’t. Their love has slowly disappeared with every year that passed since I lost my hearing. They barely tolerate me now, what would I do if coming out pushed them over the edge? I wish I could introduce you. I want the world to know you’re my boyfriend. I wake up every morning still in shock that you actually want to be with me. I will brag about you to everyone else…my parents are just…complicated.” I nodded slowly, starting to feel like an idiot for the way I felt. I’d known his parents were a complicated subject with him. I’d known they didn’t sign or bother that much with him. I should have known he wouldn’t tell them and that it wasn’t anything personal. “I’m so sorry, Dylan,” Kade continued and I smiled softly. “I’m sorry I made you feel unwanted. In fact, it’s the very opposite. I want you more than anything. Every day that we’ve been together, and quite a few before then, I’ve wanted you. Please don’t ever think you’re unwanted. I really am sorry that I made you think that.” I smiled and shook my head.
“It’s just me being silly,” I said and Kade shook his head.
“No, I made you feel like that and I’m so sorry,” he signed. “I promise it will never happen again.” I smiled gently and raised my hand to cup his cheek. God, I loved this boy. I really did. So what if I’ve only known him for just over a month, sometimes that was all it took. I loved him; I was head over heels for him. It was both terrifying and exciting all at once. “Do you forgive me?” he signed and I smiled and nodded, leaning down to catch his lips in a tender kiss. The way Kade instantly moved his body closer to mine, how he wrapped his arms around me tightly, dispelled those last few doubts. I’d never been particularly doubtful of myself before, well not before my parents passed away anyway. I’d never been arrogant or cocky, but I’d been self-assured and confident. And I thought that had been coming back, but Kade had managed to just bring it tumbling down. He just meant so much to me and I was terrified of losing him.
I guided Kade gently over to his bed where he fell back, pulling me down with him. I continued to kiss him, realising that although it had only been a day since I’d seen him last, it felt like weeks. I settled above Kade, my weight rested on my elbows so I didn’t completely crush him and our hips pressed together. His lips were so soft, I felt like I could kiss him all day. And from the way he was eagerly kissing me back, I had a feeling he’d be okay with that too. When we both needed to catch our breath, I moved my lips across his jaw and down his throat, kissing, sucking and nibbling. I loved the noises he made while I did that. Little whines and whimpers that reminded me of a puppy or a kitten. “Dylan,” he moaned and I groaned against his neck. I loved it when he said my name. Why the hell did I ever feel unwanted? Something is seriously wrong with me, that’s the only explanation. I just had an irrational, illogical moment of doubt. But how could I have ever doubted that this boy cared about me? I pulled back and straddled his hips as I looked down at his flushed face and kiss-swollen lips. The red marks on his neck stood out against the white skin and for a moment, I worried that I’d given him a hickey. I quickly moved on when my eyes met his once again. They were shining up at me, so blue and deep I felt I could lose myself in them. “Can we continue this at yours?” he signed and I grinned and kissed him once again, letting the kiss slowly come to an end before I climbed off him. I took his hand and pulled him up off the bed. “Can I stay over?” he asked and I rolled my eyes as I grinned.
“Of course,” I said. “I wouldn’t let you leave even if you wanted to.” Kade grinned and quickly threw a change of clothes in a backpack. He actually had a set of pyjamas and a few shirts in my room anyway, but I guessed there was something specific he wanted to wear tomorrow.
“What are we gonna do tomorrow?” he asked and I smiled gently.
“I dunno,” I smiled. “Whatever you want. Just make sure you keep Monday evening free.”
“Monday?” he asked with the hint of a smile. I just grinned and nodded as I wound my arms around his hips loosely and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips.
A few minutes later, we headed back downstairs. I had to admit, I was kind of nervous to see his parents again. I hadn’t exactly been polite before… Kade let go of my hand and quickly apologised for doing so but I just smiled and shook my head. His parents were both still in the living room and just seeing his mother reminded me what she’d said. That woman was definitely not someone I wanted to spend more time with. I guess it was good that Kade didn’t tell them actually, because otherwise I might be forced to spend more time with her. “Can you tell them I’m staying at yours tonight?” Kade signed and I frowned gently. His parents really didn’t know a smidge of sign language…
“Kade is coming back to mine and he’s spending the night,” I said and both his parents smiled and nodded.
“Want to go see Gemma, huh?” his dad chuckled and my smile fell and I gritted my teeth as I sloppily translated what his dad had said for Kade, who just nodded in response.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Kade signed and I spoke. Both his parents said goodbye, though I didn’t really respond. So sue me, I didn’t like them.
As we left his house, I shot Kade a look and he bit his lip as he lowered his gaze. “I’m sorry,” he signed. “I will tell them, I promise.” I just sighed and nodded, opening the car door for him and closing it once he had sat down. The drive over to mine was as silent as ever, though I did reach for Kade’s hand in the moments when I didn’t need to change gears. Even though I didn’t like knowing that his parents thought Kade was with Gemma, I would let it go for now. I just wanted to have a nice weekend with my boyfriend, so I wasn’t going to let thoughts about his parents ruin that.
“You okay, Gem?” I asked, once I'd finished eating. She was watching Scrubs but it didn’t really seem like she was taking it in.
“Yeah,” she smiled, “just thinking.”
“About anything specific?” I asked, knowing that there was.
“Just thinking about Kade,” she said and I frowned in concern.
“What about him, is he okay?” I asked and she smiled gently at me and nodded.
“He’s fine,” she said and I nodded, relaxing somewhat.
“You went over to his tonight, didn’t you?” I asked. She’d been home when I got back, but I assumed they’d stuck to that plan.
“Yeah,” she nodded slowly.
“Did something happen?” I asked. God, talking to Gemma was like pulling teeth, I swear. If I wanted her to tell me something, she didn’t make it easy.
“It was odd,” she said and I frowned. “Did you know his parents don’t know how to sign?”
“At all?” I asked and she shook her head. “Wow,” I muttered. Poor Kade… “I knew they didn’t talk to Kade much, but I didn’t know that they didn’t talk to him at all.”
“I had to translate what his dad said when I met him,” she said and I frowned and shook my head.
“That’s not right,” I said. “I wish I could take him away from there…”
“I know,” she murmured. “His parents don’t know he’s gay,” she added and I nodded.
“Yeah, I’d guessed,” I said.
“I think Kade sort of…led his dad to believe he and I were…you know, dating,” she said and my eyes widened.
“What?” I asked in shock and somewhat hurt. Even though I knew Kade hadn’t done it intentionally, or deliberately to hurt me, it still struck a nerve that he told his dad he was with Gemma.
“You okay?” she asked and I just shrugged.
“I guess,” I said. “What actually happened?” Gemma sighed before she told me about the conversation they’d had with Kade’s dad. It wasn’t as bad as I was expecting; Kade’s dad had only made assumptions that Kade hadn’t confirmed or denied.
“And then his dad went to get his mum…and I guess his dad had told her that I was Kade’s girlfriend, because she came in all excited that she might have a daughter-in-law eventually,” she said and my lips parted in shock but I didn’t know what to say. “I didn’t translate that for Kade, though, so he doesn’t know that.” I lowered my eyes and looked at my hands, which were knotted together in my lap. Kade had let his parents believe he had a girlfriend…how was I supposed to feel about that? At the end of the day, I knew it didn’t really matter. Because Kade was my boyfriend and I knew he cared about me, that he wanted to be with me. But it kind of hurt that he so willingly swept me under the rug. “You shouldn’t take it personally, Dylan,” Gemma said gently and I looked up in question. “It’s his parents. Kade said that his dad was never proud of him, but having a girlfriend was something that made him proud. I just…I don’t think he gets on with his parents. You can’t blame him for wanting their approval in something.”
“I don’t blame him,” I said softly, shaking my head. “I know this isn't his fault. It’s just…I don’t like that Kade has such a crappy deal with his parents. I know a lot of gay people pretend they have a girlfriend or a boyfriend with their parents so they don’t find out. But it just seems so much worse with Kade, because he already thinks they’re disappointed in him because he’s deaf.”
“Yeah, and you know, I think they might be,” she said and I frowned. “Yeah, like when I was talking to his parents, they didn’t really acknowledge Kade all that much. And they didn’t make an effort to sign anything, or speak clearly so he could read their lips. I just don’t think they bother that much…”
“That’s awful,” I sighed, falling back against the sofa.
“It makes me extra grateful that I had you,” Gemma smiled, squeezing my hand. “I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t learnt sign with me.”
“I wouldn’t have let you go through that on your own,” I smiled at her and she smiled back. Our smiles gradually faded as we realised that Kade’s parents had let him go through it on his own.
“He’s had to deal with a lot,” Gemma whispered and I nodded. On the one hand, I was incredibly proud of him for what he’d pulled himself out of. And on the other, I wished he was just a tad bit braver and could come out to his parents and introduce me as his boyfriend. I was so incredibly proud to go places with Kade, to hold his hand and have people know that he’s mine. That he chose me. I just wished he felt the same; that he wanted to show me off to his parents. And I knew that was incredibly selfish of me…but I couldn’t help it. If my parents were still here, I would have introduced them to Kade weeks ago. “Are you gonna say something to him?” Gemma asked and I sighed. How could I? It wasn’t my place to force him to come out to his parents. I couldn’t exactly demand that he come out. But at the same time, it did kind of hurt that he lied. Allowing his parents to believe that Gemma was his girlfriend was just as bad as saying he didn’t have a boyfriend.
“I dunno,” I said quietly. “I’ll think about it.”
Later that night, I considered logging in to Skype to see if Kade was online. Part of me wanted to talk to him, but part of me didn’t. And I hated that. I’d never not wanted to talk to him before. And it wasn’t even that I didn’t want to talk with him, but I just didn’t know what I wanted to say. Did I want to confront him about what happened with Gemma and his parents or did I want to pretend like I didn’t know? It was so hard. I didn’t want to make Kade feel bad for saying that Gemma was his girlfriend…but on the other hand, I kind of did. I wanted him to know that it had kinda hurt.
I lay awake for several hours, wondering what to do. I sent Kade a text wishing him goodnight, as I always did, but that was all. Kade probably picked up that something was up, because we very rarely went a night without talking at all, but he didn’t say anything, just wished me a goodnight in response. Maybe he was distracted too, thinking about what had happened with his parents. I was itching to pick up my phone and tell him to go on Skype so we could talk, but I didn’t. I needed time to process, to think about it properly without being swayed by Kade’s wide, innocent eyes.
All the next day, I was thinking about Kade. I was distracted in my lectures, but not in the way I normally was. Normally, I thought about Kade, about when I’d next see him, when I’d next be able to hold him, to kiss him. But that Saturday, I was thinking about how he could so easily deny being in a relationship with me. Had he even felt bad for doing it? It was stuck in the back of my mind, just constantly there and it was starting to drive me insane. I was starting to realise that I did need to talk to Kade about it. Otherwise it was just going to eat away at me until I blew it way out of proportion. I knew it hadn’t been personal; it had nothing to do with me, really. But still, it hurt. I’d even told John about Kade in one of those moments when we were more friends than boss-and-assistant. I’d shown him a picture and he’d joked about me being a cradle robber, which was true, but I didn’t really care about that. So Kade was a couple years younger than me. Initially, I knew I had been concerned about the age difference, but I didn’t really see it anymore. All I saw now was a boy who I was falling head over heels in love with. And who pretended like I didn’t exist…
I stared at a mark on the window of the train the whole way home, hardly even blinking, just lost in my thoughts. I nearly missed my stop and jumped off the train at the very last second before heading to the car park. Usually, I walked to the station, but I’d been running late that morning after having had a restless night, so I decided just to pay the outrageous parking fees. My thoughts were all over the place as I drove, and it was only when I took a left turn instead of the right that I realised I was heading to Kade’s house. I may not know what I wanted to say, but I knew I had to say something.
Once I got to his house, I parked the car and then just sat there for a while. What was I supposed to do? Eventually, I pulled out my phone, texted Gemma that I would be home later, and climbed out of the car.
Considering the number of time’s I’d dropped Kade home, I found it weird that I’d never actually even been to his front door before… I rang the doorbell, my stomach suddenly in knots. A middle aged woman opened the door and I smiled politely while subtly looking over her shoulder for Kade. “Hi,” I smiled. “Um, is Kade home?” It suddenly hit me that he might not be; he could be at mine with Gemma for all I knew.
“Yes,” she said, motioning me inside. “Are you a friend of his?”
“Uh, yeah,” I said, standing in the hallway. “I’m Dylan.” His mother nodded with a smile.
“I’ll just go get him, one minute,” she said and I nodded as she headed up the stairs. I bit my lip as I looked around the hallway. It was fairly empty. The walls were a cream colour and there was a photo hanging of his mother and who I assumed to be his father at their wedding. There was a table with a vase and flowers and a family photo from when Kade must have been about three. God, he was a cute child.
I turned my attention back to the stairs when I heard footsteps and smiled at Kade’s mum as she walked down. “He’s coming down in a sec,” she said. “Do you want to wait in the living room?”
“Um, sure,” I smiled, following her lead. The living room was painted similar colours to the hallway, and there were a few more photos on display. I wanted to look at them, but my attention was drawn to the middle aged man in the armchair who stood when I entered the room.
“This is Dylan,” Kade’s mum said. “He’s a friend of Kade’s.”
“Oh, hi,” he smiled, shaking my hand. “How do you know Kade? You look too old to be in school.”
“Yeah, he’s friends with my sister,” I said and he frowned curiously.
“Is that Gemma?” he asked and I nodded. “She was a nice girl,” he smiled and I smiled back tightly as he looked at his wife. “Kade needs someone like her in his life. She looked like she’d be good for him.” I bit my tongue hard to stop myself from saying anything.
I turned when I heard someone coming down the stairs and watched as Kade froze in the doorway. “I thought you were Gemma,” he signed and I just shook my head.
“We need to talk,” I signed and Kade nodded warily.
“Oh, do you sign, too?” Kade’s mum asked and I turned my attention reluctantly back to her as I nodded.
“My sister lost her hearing a couple of years ago, so I learnt for her,” I told them and Kade’s mum let out a strange noise. I frowned in confusion and she took a step forward and took hold of my hand.
“It’s so hard, isn’t it?” she asked, looking up at me. “Having a deaf person in the family. It makes everything a million times harder for us. I mean, I’m sure you know that too. How have your parents coped?”
“They passed away before she lost her hearing,” I said, though my attention wasn’t really on what I was saying but on what she’d said. I could hardly even believe the words coming out of her mouth. She thought this was hard for her?
“Oh, I’m sorry,” she said and I nodded.
“So you were the one who had to look after Gemma?” she asked and I nodded again. “How did you deal with it? It’s so hard to communicate. We can’t ask him to do anything and having to write things down is so time consuming. It’s like he might as well not be in the house. How did you adjust?” I pulled my hand out of hers as quickly as I could without seeming too rude and took a step back. I could hardly comprehend what she was saying. How could she think she was in a worse situation than Kade? Sure, it was hard, I could appreciate that, but it was 10 times harder for Kade.
“I learnt sign language,” I said and her face fell slightly. “Nice meeting you, but I need to talk to Kade.”
With that, I turned and grasped Kade’s arm and led him upstairs. Once we were at the top, I realised that I didn’t actually know which his room was, but he took over and led the way. We didn’t really need to be in private for this conversation – it’s not like his parents would know what we were saying – but I felt like we should be.
“Gemma told you,” he signed and I nodded even though I knew it hadn’t been a question. He sighed softly and sat on his bed. I took a moment to look away from him. His room was painted light blue, though the paint had chipped in a couple places. He had a book shelf full of books; the spines of the majority were broken. I couldn’t help but smile. Kade was such a nerd, but I kinda loved that about him. His laptop was sitting on his desk with Skype running on the screen and I couldn’t help but wonder whether he had been waiting for me to log in once I got back from lectures.
Finally, I turned my attention back to the bed, where Kade was sitting cross legged and watching me anxiously. “Before you say anything, can I explain?” he signed and I sighed and nodded as I sat on the bed next to him. “I am not out to my parents, you know that. I only realised I was gay like, a month ago. I hardly even talk to my parents, so I do not know how I would come out. How would I even tell them? I would have to mime it or something and…” He stopped with a sigh and shook his head. “I don’t really feel close to my parents. And it’s not really something I want to share with them. I let them believe I am with Gemma because it made them happy and they’re so rarely happy for me that I just…I let them believe it. They’ve never been proud of me like that, not since I lost my hearing. I just liked that feeling, just for a moment.”
“I know,” I said, resting my hand on his. I could see he was getting upset and I didn’t want that. “I didn’t come here to yell at you or anything. I just…I was driving myself crazy thinking about it and I knew it would be better just to talk to you instead.”
“Are you angry with me?” he asked, gazing up at me and my heart melted a little bit.
“No,” I said honestly. I’d felt a variety of things when Gemma had told me, but I don’t think I’d been angry. “I’ve been thinking a lot and I was never angry. Just…hurt.” I watched Kade’s face fall as he parted his lips but I shook my head and continued. “Please just let me get this out. I mean, I’ve never had a boyfriend before, but I’d always sort of thought that when I did, he’d be proud to be with me, I guess.” Kade let out a small half-squeak-half-whimper sound which almost derailed me, but I continued. “My parents were the most important people in the world to me, besides Gemma of course. If they were here, I couldn’t imagine not wanting to show you off to them. And I guess it just hurt that you don’t feel that way about me. And that you would even use my sister as a cover to escape ever having to introduce me… I just kinda felt…unwanted.”
God, and now I felt like an utter girl. I quickly stood up and took a deep breath as I walked over to his window which looked down over my car. What was I meant to say now? Should I add on that it’s really no big deal, that he continue to hide me away? I didn’t want to ask him to come out to his parents for me, no matter how much I would like it. At the end of the day, it was his decision. And in all honesty, I could see his reasons for not coming out to them. They didn’t seem like the most tolerant of people.
I closed my eyes when I heard Kade get off the bed and come to stand next to me. Eventually, I opened them and turned to look down at him. His eyes were glossy and I knew he was on the verge of crying. I hadn’t meant for that to happen, I just wanted him to know how I’d felt.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you,” he signed and I smiled softly.
“I know, baby,” I whispered and he smiled weakly.
“If I thought I had parents who loved me unconditionally, I would introduce you. I would have introduced you weeks ago, as soon as you asked me to be your boyfriend,” he signed and I smiled sadly. I hated that he thought his parents didn’t love him. I’m sure they did. They must do, right? All parents loved their children, it was just a rule. “But they don’t. Their love has slowly disappeared with every year that passed since I lost my hearing. They barely tolerate me now, what would I do if coming out pushed them over the edge? I wish I could introduce you. I want the world to know you’re my boyfriend. I wake up every morning still in shock that you actually want to be with me. I will brag about you to everyone else…my parents are just…complicated.” I nodded slowly, starting to feel like an idiot for the way I felt. I’d known his parents were a complicated subject with him. I’d known they didn’t sign or bother that much with him. I should have known he wouldn’t tell them and that it wasn’t anything personal. “I’m so sorry, Dylan,” Kade continued and I smiled softly. “I’m sorry I made you feel unwanted. In fact, it’s the very opposite. I want you more than anything. Every day that we’ve been together, and quite a few before then, I’ve wanted you. Please don’t ever think you’re unwanted. I really am sorry that I made you think that.” I smiled and shook my head.
“It’s just me being silly,” I said and Kade shook his head.
“No, I made you feel like that and I’m so sorry,” he signed. “I promise it will never happen again.” I smiled gently and raised my hand to cup his cheek. God, I loved this boy. I really did. So what if I’ve only known him for just over a month, sometimes that was all it took. I loved him; I was head over heels for him. It was both terrifying and exciting all at once. “Do you forgive me?” he signed and I smiled and nodded, leaning down to catch his lips in a tender kiss. The way Kade instantly moved his body closer to mine, how he wrapped his arms around me tightly, dispelled those last few doubts. I’d never been particularly doubtful of myself before, well not before my parents passed away anyway. I’d never been arrogant or cocky, but I’d been self-assured and confident. And I thought that had been coming back, but Kade had managed to just bring it tumbling down. He just meant so much to me and I was terrified of losing him.
I guided Kade gently over to his bed where he fell back, pulling me down with him. I continued to kiss him, realising that although it had only been a day since I’d seen him last, it felt like weeks. I settled above Kade, my weight rested on my elbows so I didn’t completely crush him and our hips pressed together. His lips were so soft, I felt like I could kiss him all day. And from the way he was eagerly kissing me back, I had a feeling he’d be okay with that too. When we both needed to catch our breath, I moved my lips across his jaw and down his throat, kissing, sucking and nibbling. I loved the noises he made while I did that. Little whines and whimpers that reminded me of a puppy or a kitten. “Dylan,” he moaned and I groaned against his neck. I loved it when he said my name. Why the hell did I ever feel unwanted? Something is seriously wrong with me, that’s the only explanation. I just had an irrational, illogical moment of doubt. But how could I have ever doubted that this boy cared about me? I pulled back and straddled his hips as I looked down at his flushed face and kiss-swollen lips. The red marks on his neck stood out against the white skin and for a moment, I worried that I’d given him a hickey. I quickly moved on when my eyes met his once again. They were shining up at me, so blue and deep I felt I could lose myself in them. “Can we continue this at yours?” he signed and I grinned and kissed him once again, letting the kiss slowly come to an end before I climbed off him. I took his hand and pulled him up off the bed. “Can I stay over?” he asked and I rolled my eyes as I grinned.
“Of course,” I said. “I wouldn’t let you leave even if you wanted to.” Kade grinned and quickly threw a change of clothes in a backpack. He actually had a set of pyjamas and a few shirts in my room anyway, but I guessed there was something specific he wanted to wear tomorrow.
“What are we gonna do tomorrow?” he asked and I smiled gently.
“I dunno,” I smiled. “Whatever you want. Just make sure you keep Monday evening free.”
“Monday?” he asked with the hint of a smile. I just grinned and nodded as I wound my arms around his hips loosely and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips.
A few minutes later, we headed back downstairs. I had to admit, I was kind of nervous to see his parents again. I hadn’t exactly been polite before… Kade let go of my hand and quickly apologised for doing so but I just smiled and shook my head. His parents were both still in the living room and just seeing his mother reminded me what she’d said. That woman was definitely not someone I wanted to spend more time with. I guess it was good that Kade didn’t tell them actually, because otherwise I might be forced to spend more time with her. “Can you tell them I’m staying at yours tonight?” Kade signed and I frowned gently. His parents really didn’t know a smidge of sign language…
“Kade is coming back to mine and he’s spending the night,” I said and both his parents smiled and nodded.
“Want to go see Gemma, huh?” his dad chuckled and my smile fell and I gritted my teeth as I sloppily translated what his dad had said for Kade, who just nodded in response.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Kade signed and I spoke. Both his parents said goodbye, though I didn’t really respond. So sue me, I didn’t like them.
As we left his house, I shot Kade a look and he bit his lip as he lowered his gaze. “I’m sorry,” he signed. “I will tell them, I promise.” I just sighed and nodded, opening the car door for him and closing it once he had sat down. The drive over to mine was as silent as ever, though I did reach for Kade’s hand in the moments when I didn’t need to change gears. Even though I didn’t like knowing that his parents thought Kade was with Gemma, I would let it go for now. I just wanted to have a nice weekend with my boyfriend, so I wasn’t going to let thoughts about his parents ruin that.
♠ ♠ ♠
well, that was emotional...