Just Another Boy Without a Sharper Knife

“Do you have any idea what the hell you’re doing, Kellin?” Tay screamed at me in the back room of my mom’s office. Vic showed up early today which surprised me because he’s been kind of distant since he came over a week ago. He said he wanted to talk to me before his appointment today, but Tay pulled me back here before I had a chance to agree. “This kid is a mess, Kels. He’s a literal wreck. Not like I was where I could put my broken pieces bac k together, this kid left bits and pieces of himself on the cutting room floor. I don’t know if you’re trying to save him or rescue him or if this is one of Matty’s games that you’re going along with for whatever fucked up reason but you need to stop. You can’t save everyone Kellin! And this kid doesn’t want to be saved!”

I have to admit that I retreated a little at her words. What was she saying? That I needed to give up on Vic before I’ve even started fighting? There’s no way. He does want to be saved. He came with me didn’t he? He got in the car last week when I told him to come with me. He could have just as easily broken a window and went inside. He didn’t though, he came with me. He came with me and he laughed and he smiled and he had fun. He doesn’t want to just throw that away. He’s here, too! He is out there waiting for me because he wants to be saved. He wants me to save him. She thought this was one of Matty’s games? She can’t honestly mean that. She isn’t thinking straight.

“Tay, I’m not latching on to a lost cause. He wants help. That’s why he’s here and that’s why he wants to talk to me. He needs me. I’m not Matty’s pawn, Taylor. I’m my own person. I’m doing this for him, but I’m doing this for myself too. I can’t let anyone else get away.” With that, I left the back room and grabbed my sweatshirt from behind the counter.

Vic was sitting at the piano that we kept in the waiting room for patients to use if they were feeling anxious when they came in and couldn’t get to my mom right away. His hair was slightly blowing because of the open window and I could vaguely see the nape of his neck. I watched his fingers moving on the keys before I heard what he was playing, but once I did I was amazed. I’d never heard the song before but it was beautiful. Perhaps it was original, maybe it wasn’t, but either way I could have listened to it for years. I could have watched him play it for even longer. Wait… Where was all this coming from? Who knows…

“Oh my god!” I heard Tay say from behind me “You like him!” She screamed at me. Vic stopped playing mid-phrase and looked up at us. I stared at Tay in shock- how could she say that? Actually, how could she scream that in my mom’s office with Vic sitting right there?! Not that it was true! I just want to help him. I don’t like him.

I ignored Tay and walked over to the piano where Vic stopped playing and was anxiously looking down at his fingers. “You wanted to talk to me?” I asked him, before sitting down on the bench.

“Yeah. Um, actually, do you think we could, uh, go somewhere else?” He mumbled out while casting a timid look in Tay’s direction. She was still sitting wide eyed behind the counter. I just nodded and stood up, waiting for Vic to follow me out the door. We started walking down the street which thank God was mostly empty. I waited for him to say something, since he was the one that wanted to talk. Eventually he spoke up. “I wanted to thank you, first. For everything last week, I mean, you didn’t have to do any of it and… just thank you. It means a lot.”

“Oh, um, yeah… yeah don’t worry about it.” For some reason I had expected something else. He could have called me to thank me or just say it on his way into his appointment with my mom. Why come a half hour early just to say thank you? “Was that it?”

“No!” He practically screamed at me. “Um, no… I was talking to my brother last night and he said some things, I said some things, and basically we agreed that I was going to try to get better. I mean, everything sucks right now and I want nothing more than to just give up but he doesn’t want me to and-“

“And I don’t want you to.” I blurted out. Oh god why did I say that? “I can’t say that I know how hard it is. I can’t honestly say that I understand everything that you’re going through. I can say, though, that I enjoyed spending time with you last week. I liked seeing you laugh and I liked seeing you smile and I want to see you laugh and smile more often. I’m glad that you decided you want to get better, because I decided a while ago that I want you to get better.”

He looked shocked at my sudden confession. I was shocked too, in all honesty. I didn’t expect to say any of that. I didn’t expect to mean it so much, either. I thought that Vic was just a project; a way to clear my Karma after not being able to help my Dad. He was turning into something much more than that though. I would continue to reject the idea for as long as possible, but it was true and I knew it. I think he was beginning to know it too.

“Thank you, Kellin. Again. Wow I just keep thanking you for everything!” He let out a short, awkward, laugh. “And I want to let you know that you’re not the only one here that can offer a shoulder. I don’t know what happened at your house last week. I won’t blame you if I never find out. But I know now what you’re saying. After my talk with my brother and everything I really saw that look in his eyes. I can see it in yours when I look hard enough. You don’t have to, not now and maybe not ever, but you can tell me. I’ll listen and I’ll do whatever I can to help.”

“Thanks…” I mumbled. I couldn’t tell him. I couldn’t tell anyone.