Just Another Boy Without a Sharper Knife

Vic’s POV

You know that moment, the single fleeting moment between sleep and awareness? The split second feeling of despair when you know that you are about to wake up, you know sleep as escaped you for another night. You feel your eyelids flutter lightly, completely against your will because in that moment all you want is for your eyes to stay shut, for you to fall back into that peaceful nothingness we call resting. For some even, in that moment it’s a desire to never ever awaken, to have closed your eyes and to have never ever opened them again.

I, on the other hand, not only did not want to ever awaken, but I never wanted to feel that fleeting moment. I never wanted my eyes to flutter open again, I never wanted to cringe away from the light that hits you, I never wanted to jam my eye hut tight again a second later and pray for sleep to find me once more.

But I did. I felt it.

I guess I didn’t really understand it was happening until it did, I didn’t register the fact that I had failed when my mind became restless once more or my eye began to flutter or when I actually thought about something. No, it was none of these things that alerted me to the fact that I was alive, it was in fact the loud gasp I heard from beside me once I opened my eyes fully.

The first thing I saw after I heard the gasp was really nothing particularly spectacular. I was lying on my back pretty much flat so all I could see was ceiling. Once my mind registered the gasp, and then also realized that I had in fact failed I could see nothing, tears clouded my eyesight almost immediately.

I tried to stop them falling, I tried my very best not to break down the second I awoke, but I couldn’t stop it. I had failed, I had actually failed at killing myself and everything felt 100x worse now than it ever had before.

I wasn’t one of those people who woke up after a suicide attempt and was suddenly a new person, I didn’t immediately think of how glad I was I had survived, I didn’t think to myself 'oh wow look at the world look what I could have missed out on.' No. I did not. The first thing I thought was ‘fuck, cant I do anything right?’.

So they fell, one after another tears started falling down my face and onto the pillow and bedding beneath me. They fell softly at first, a few rolling down from each eye before I couldn’t hold anything back anymore and they fell faster, and faster and harder and eventually I was outright sobbing.

I couldn’t hear anything, I couldn’t register the people trying to hold my hands and shake me and hold me while I cried, I couldn’t hear their pleas, their begging for me to calm down. All I could hear was the sound of my own broken sobs; I could hear the chokes and the splutters and whines I made as I sobbed hysterically.

I don’t know how long passed before I calmed, I don’t know how long Mike and my mom and dad and the doctors and nurses that had rushed in to try and calm me waited, I don’t know how long they tried to get my attention, to make me quiet before I started finally being able to hear and understand their words.

“Vic, if you can hear me now I want you to nod your head” it was a woman's voice speaking to me, she sounded kind, caring, she sounded like a mother would trying to soothe her own son.

I nodded once, tears still escaping my eyes, just slower now.

“Good, I want you to count back from ten in your head and try and collect yourself. Once you feel calm enough, there is not rush I promise, I want you to open your eyes again for me.” Her voice was warmer now, like she was smiling slightly, and I could feel her hand, he was holding mine, two fingers resting on the pulse point of my arm, I don’t know why considering I could hear the beeping of the machines behind me.

I counted back from ten slowly, ticking each number off with a deep breath in and then out, trying to soothe my ragged breathing, by the time I reached one my breaths were shallower and sounded much more even. I took a few more seconds before opening my eyes slowly, I closed them again almost immediately as light assaulted my red and bloodshot eyes. I opened them slower the third time, letting the light blind me for only a second as my eye grew accustomed quicker.

I could hear quiet sobs from further back in the room, I guessed they were my mom or dad, or maybe even mike, considering he would have been the one who found me. but my mind was focused completely on what this woman was going to tell me to do next.

“Hey there Vic, it nice to finally see you with your eyes open!” she sounded genuinely happy, which I struggled to undertand as I kept my gaze settled firmly on the large rectangular panels above me.

“Ok, don’t want to talk yet? Thats fine, we have plenty of time for that. Why don’t you try and sit up for me and then we will get a doctor in here to check if you are physically ok.”

My entire body was stiff but restless so sitting up wasn’t exactly a difficult task, what was however was finally looking at my family, my mom had her head buried in Mike's shoulder her arm wrapped around his waist, her shoulders were visibly shaking but no cries could be heard. She was wearing all pants and a jumper, her hair was thrown up messily in a bun. Mike had his head on top of hers, but he was facing me, my eyes caught his briefly for a second and I noticed his were red and swollen. He had his long arms wrapped around our mothers shoulders. My dad was just sitting there, he was sitting in a chair slightly behind my mom and Mike, leaning forward with his arms bent, elbows resting on his knees and hands folded over one another with his chin resting on top of them. His head was bowed slightly, but I could still see his face, he was emotionless, his eyes were glazed over slightly, his mouth set in a dark frown, he had large bag under his eyes and he had a thin layer of hair growing on his chin and lower cheeks. Over all they looked a mess, they looked like a broken family and it hurt to see.

I turned away from them though, to look at the woman beside me, I cocked my head at her slightly, wondering why she was at my bed side and not my family, why she got to sit right there and they had to stand at the other side of the room.

She seemed a perfectly normal woman. She had dark hair that fell just past her shoulders, like she was growing it out from being short, her eyes were kind and gentle, but the most significant factor of them was their color, they had no definitive color. You could see by looking at them that in any light they would appear different, definitely a shade of blue though, whether a green blue or grey blue you could never quite be sure. Her face was kind, her features complimented her face.

“Good, let me fix your pillow so you can lean back and be more comf-“

“No.”

I heard my family gasp as I opened my mouth to speak for the first time.

“Excuse me?” she sounded and looked genuinely offended.

“I said, no. I don’t know you, I don’t know who you are, if anyone should be sitting this close to me, holding my hand, helping me get comfortable right now it should at least be someone in my family! Not some stranger!”

Obviously seeing the distress I was feeling Mike rushed forward, leaving my father to hold my mother, his face remaining emotionless as she continued to cry silently. He quickly rushed to the other side of my bed, fixing the pillows so I could lean back before taking a seat right next to me.

“Hey Vic,” his voice was quiet and tired to match the mess he appeared to be in, I had to drag my eyes away from his.

“That’s fine, better now Vic?” She asked. I nodded in reply, “Good, I'm going to introduce myself quickly before I send for a medical doctor because I actually have a patient to see very soon.”

I nodded again even more confused now by what she meant by ‘medical doctor’; aren't doctors just doctors?

“well Vic, I am a doctor, I can see the confusion on your face, but I am a counselling psychologist, which really means I'm a fancy therapist with a medical degree. I have been assigned to you by the hospital, it is not optional. You will be seeing me twice a week every week until I think you are stable enough not to. Once a week, on a Tuesday at 5pm for an hour long one on one session and Friday mornings at 9 for group sessions with myself and other patients of mine. Oh, and my name is Doctor Quinn, but please, call me Nikki.”