Just Another Boy Without a Sharper Knife

"Kellin Quinn! I smell Hershey's syrup and I swear if you made sundaes without me you will regret the day you were ever born!" Tay screamed as I heard the door slam shut. Vic looked at me panicking, spoon full of vanilla ice cream dangling from his lips, and I couldn't help but laugh. He started laughing slightly too and I found myself straining to hear him even after the slight exhale of breath had passed his lips. It's so seldom that Vic ever shows emotion, let alone laughs.

"You're dead Qui-" Tay stopped dead in her tracks when she saw Vic sitting at the kitchen counter. It was then that I remembered that Tay was terrified when she saw Vic walk into the clinic on his first day. I probably should have thought this through more, but right now all I could think about was how Vic had seen the look on Tay's face and slowly started to shake, just like he had in the car. I gently put my hand on his leg, not to tell him to stop, just to let him know that I was still there.

"Tay, this is Vic, even though you already know that. Both of you went to my mom's clinic and you both know so there's nothing to be worried about. It happens." I tried to ease some of Tay's tension but saying that just seemed to make her more tense. Vic's shaking had calmed down but he was now picking at his finger nails, a habit that Tay usually picked up when she was nervous. Unsure of what else to do, I grabbed Vic's hand to make him stop. He jumped at first and tried to fight me on it, but after he realized that I wasn't letting go, he settled for tapping his foot to ease his anxiety.

"Um, Tay, hi. I, uh, I don't, I mean, I'm not gonna, like, I don't know, t-tell anyone about, I mean, about, ya know, about you." Vic stuttered out to the beat of his tapping foot. I tightened my grip on his hand to reassure him that he didn't need to be afraid but he continued to stutter and tap, stutter and tap, tap and stutter, stutter and tap. I gave Tay a look that said 'play nice' and I think she got the message because her look immediately softened and she smiled at the timid teen beside me.

"Oh, yeah, don't even worry about it, Vic. It's no big deal. It's like Kells said, it happens. I'm better now though and that's what matters." She smiled one more time before walking to my freezer and grabbing the ice cream. Tay always made herself right at home when she came over, mostly because we had told her to do so. She was always comfortable at our house, almost more than at her own home, and we wanted to embrace that.

As Tay made her ice cream sundae we made small talk about how church went, how work was, what our upcoming plans were, stuff like that. And somewhere along the line Vic stopped shaking. He started joining in on the conversation; adding simple sentences, laughing at Tay when she squirted chocolate on herself, and even changing the topic and cracking jokes. I like to think that's how he'll get better. I'll have to help him through it at first- like how I held his hand to stop his anxiety- and eventually he'll ease his way into recovery without even realizing it.

What a lot of people don't realize is that it's human nature to be happy. When we're alone, yeah, we over-think and we analyze and we send ourselves into spiraling pits of despair but when we're with other people, when we're truly expressing our human mannerisms, we're happy. We can always remind ourselves of the bad things in our lives and become sad again but when you aren't thinking and you're just living; you're happy. That's what's going to happen with Vic. He's going to be sad at first. Then he'll have to remind himself that he's sad, and he'll hold onto that sadness for a while like it's the last shred of humanity that he processes, but eventually he'll remember what it's like to not be sad. Eventually, with my help, he'll start to be happy. Then he'll stay happy. And it will be all my fault.

"Kellin? Keeeellin? Earth to Kells?!" Tay said, snapping her fingers in front of my face. I had spaced out for a while and when I came back to reality Tay had finished her ice cream and already cleaned up. "I said, Mario Kart?"

"Oh, yeah." I said. Tay squealed with excitement and ran off toward the living room to set it up. Vic looked at me quizzically, taking his hand away from my grasp.

"You okay?" He asked. "It's weird seeing someone else space out, usually it's me." He chuckled a little bit and I couldn't help but let out a small laugh.

"Yeah, I'm good." I stood up and started walking toward the living room when I heard Vic's footprints stop behind me. "What?" I asked him when I saw he was smiling at me.

"You still haven't given me a full tour." He said. I laughed and peeked into the living room. Tay was still setting up and I figured we had a little bit of time to explore the house.

"Alright, but I don't know what you expect to find." I grabbed his hand and pulled him down the hallway towards the back office.

"So this is my mom's office, I don't really go in here." I pulled him up the stairs which were located in the middle of the back hallway. "Up here is my room and the spare bedroom. I'd show you those but mom has strict policies." I said as we passed my door. "This is my bathroom and my office which I really only use for video games and not school." We walked back down the stairs and towards the kitchen. "That's my mom's room over here." I pointed to the door on the right hand side and quickly tried to pass the one on the left, but of course, he noticed.

"What about this one?" He asked, pressing his hand to it. I quickly put myself between him and the door before he could open it.

"That's um, that's nothing. I don't really like to talk about it." I practically whispered. I stared at the ground where you could still faintly see some drops of blood from when the ambulance had transferred my father's body from the bathroom to the truck. My mom didn't like to go into the room but she didn't have the heart to move, so she moved into one of the spare bedroom and left the old room how it was. I hadn't even let Tay go into that room, to be completely honest, I hadn't gone into it myself.

"Kellin, you can tell me." Vic said quietly, and the tone in his voice made me seriously consider it. I really thought about telling him everything, right then and there. But instead I decided to just give him an insight.

"Mike is the one that found you right? When you tried the first time?" Vic looked appalled that I would ask such a question. His whole demeanor changed. He dropped my hand and grabbed at his sweatshirt sleeves, looking at the ground and subtly nodding. I felt terrible having brought it up, but he had to hear it. I had to tell him, for whatever reason. I put my fingers under his chin and lifted his face to look at me, and to my surprise, he actually looked me in the eyes.

"You know the look in people's eyes that they get when they see something like that? I know Mike has that look. He has to. It's like a certain fog or haze or glaze over their eyes. It dims them a little bit. It's almost like that image is permanently pressed into their cornea and they just can't get it out. Well look at me now, Vic. Because if you look close enough, you'll see the eyes of a little boy, a six year old boy, with that glossed over look that never went away." Vic stood there with his mouth open, almost like he wanted to say something but couldn't think of the right words. "We all have secrets, Vic. This room is mine."