The Scars on Your Heart

"Hello?" I answered the phone. Matt never called me, I always called him, and now he had no reason to. He was in my head. So it had to be my mum or brother.

"Hello, sweetie!" My mother replied, her voice sounding more rushed. "I'm sorry we couldn't visit this week, your father and I have been very busy with work and all. Are you doing okay now? I heard about what happened. Are you doing alright?" She babbled, and I laughed.

"Yes, I'm doing okay." I chuckled. Matt was going on and on about how she didn't really love me but I ignored him and focused on my mother's voice.

"That's good. I hear you're going to Camden tomorrow." She said, her tone brimming with excitement.

"Yeah."

"Oh, that's good! And I hear you're making friends with another boy. Joshua, I think his name was?"

"Yeah." I said, smiling, and George, who was manning the phone, smiled at me as well. He knew my family didn't call often and that it was always a treat when they did. "I call him Josh. And he calls me Oli. Isn't that a nice nickname?"

"Ooh, it is!" She started to say something else but then it sounded like something clicked in her brain. "Wait a second, isn't he the new boy who tormented you for a year and a half? Joshua Franceschi?"

I sighed. "Yes, mum. But he's better now! It's only been a week and we're already the best of friends. We've fought a few times but it always gets better."

"Well, a real friend wouldn't fight you several times a week." He said with a prominent motherly tone. I rolled my eyes.

"Mum, I'm seventeen. I can pick my own friends." I reminded her. Not that she had any control over who I was friends with, anyway. I hadn't lived with her for seven, almost eight years. "And I like him. He's a great guy."

"Boyfriend material?" She joked, and I heard a little chuckle so I knew she wasn't serious, and she always asked me that when I tried to make a new friend. But I blushed furiously and got a bit defensive.

"Mum! You know I'm not wired like that! I would've found out by now!" I snapped, covering my eyes. Lee was at the phone beside me waiting for his call to be put in, and he started laughing. "Shut up, Malia." I hissed.

"Coming out to your mum?" He laughed, and then his call was placed. He stopped and faced forward. Thank goodness.

"Hey now," My mum retorted. "I was just joking. You normally laugh when I say that! Why are you so defensive right now?" She asked.

I rolled my eyes again. "Can I talk to Tom, please?" I asked, trying to change the subject. I really wanted to talk to my brother.

"Hold on. I heard you're on a new medicine. How long does it take to work?" Mum asked.

"Er, I dunno, a few days, maybe? This is the second day I've taken it." I explained, and mum said "alright" and handed the phone over to Tom.

"Hey bro," He said, but he sounded sick. His voice was faint and he sounded much like he did when he overdosed two years ago. I was allowed to go see him in the hospital, and then he passed out. But he visits with my parents every time they come.

"Are you okay, Tom?" I asked. "You didn't take Mum's pills again did you?!" I asked, growing frantic.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, Oliver!" Tom laughed, and then he coughed. "Yeah, I don't know what's gotten into me but I think I got a bug or something."

I took a deep breath to calm myself. "Okay. Get better soon!" I said with a heaping amount of concern in my voice, and he laughed again.

"Quit being such a fairy." He joked, but I felt my face grow hot again.

"I'm not gay!" I cried, causing almost everyone within a mile of me to look. "I'm not gay." I whispered again.

"Calm down, Oliver. I know about you and Josh."

"Shut up! Mum's still there isn't she?"

"No." He replied, and I heaved a sigh of relief.

"Okay. How do you know, though? I haven't talked to you in a month!"

"I just do. I can hear it in your voice." Tom said, and I placed a hand to my mouth. Was it really that obvious?

"Oh." I responded. "Er, yeah. It's true."

"I know it's true!" He exclaimed.

"Shush! Don't forget Mum's in the fucking house!" I laughed, glad that the air was clear. I could talk about Josh as much as I wanted. But wait - I couldn't. Because of George, who would no doubt tell Maskell and have our rooms changed, and because of Lee and all the others who would make fun and make Josh's life hell.

Tom chuckled and coughed again. "I know, she can't hear me." He cleared his throat. "Damn, I feel really bad. I'll talk to you later, bro."

I was sad that he couldn't talk longer, but I accepted it. He wasn't feeling well. I didn't like talking when I was ill either. "Okay. Bye."

My mum picked up the phone again after a minute or two (she always takes a long time to get the phone back from Tom) and we talked for a few more minutes before I was ready to head back to Josh. "Okay, bye, Mum. Tell Dad I said hello." I said, and she agreed, sending her love to me and then hanging up. I smiled at George and handed him the phone, walking back down the hallway to our room.

Josh was on his bed, laying back with his feet on the floor and his arm over his face. "Hey!" I said cheerily, and he looked up with a smile.

"Hey." He said and gestured for me to sit beside him.

Tom's gonna die. Matt said loudly, and I couldn't hear what Josh was saying. He's gonna die and there's nothing you can do about it.

"No!" I said, shaking my head, and Josh looked baffled.

"Well, who was it, then?"

"Wait, Matt was being a dick. Did you ask who I talked to?" I asked, and Matt started yelling at me but for some reason it was quieter than when he told me Tom was going to die. Josh nodded. "Oh, it was my mum and my brother." Josh gave me a sad look but then changed it.

"Awesome." He said, patting me on the leg.

"Listen, Tom told me something that might make you mad." Oh great, mouth diarrhea again. I just can't help the things that come out of my mouth sometimes. "I mean..."

"What did he say, Oli?" Josh asked, cocking an eyebrow. I sighed.

"He said he knew about... you know, us." I said, and Josh looked even more perplexed.

"How would he know that?" He asked me and I sighed again.

"He said it was in my voice. That means that everyone else must know it, too." I said, becoming anxious. I didn't want anyone to know about our relationship. They would torture Josh, and hate him just like they hated me. "I'm sorry, Josh!" I exclaimed, hugging him as tight as my injured arms would allow. "I didn't know that people could know relationships based of off someone's voice!" I wasn't crying, surprisingly, but I was as anxious as ever. How would he react? Would he hate me again?

"I highly doubt that anyone else knows, Oli." Josh laughed, wrapping his arms around me. I almost instantly felt a little bit better. Josh's touch had magic powers. "He's your brother, so he knew - I mean, knows," He said, and I felt him tense up a little but he relaxed within a second. "your voice. I'm sure he's heard you talk about people you've liked before." That wasn't true. I'd never liked anyone before. And I hadn't mentioned anything nice about Josh over the phone except that we were friends to my mum. But I didn't want Josh to hate me, so I just left it there.

"Yeah, you're probably right." I muttered, pulling away from him and smiling.

"Hey, you didn't cry!" Josh laughed, and I felt myself blush. "That's great!"

----------

George helped me into bed after I had gotten ready. It was quite long after curfew, but Josh and I were still up, talking about meaningless shit. Occasionally he'd apologize again for treating me the way he did, but I always dismissed it. I wasn't mad at him, as I'd made clear earlier.

"I've never seen a baby bird," I said to Josh, completely off topic to what we'd been talking about earlier. "do you think they exist?"

Josh laughed, and I felt myself blush, both for the fact that it was adorable and that I was embarrassed. "Oli, I know they exist. I've seen a baby bird myself."

"Really?" I asked, poking my head over the side of the bed so that he could only see my eyes. He laughed again.

"Yeah. It was before I came here, though. One and a half years ago, to be exact. The day before I came here." I saw him cringe. "I kinda... killed it." He said, shrugging and letting out a sigh. I gasped.

"Why would you kill a baby bird?" I inquired, shocked by his confession. What kind of monster would kill a baby animal? But I had to remember: we were in a long-term mental facility. I couldn't judge anyone, because I was there myself.

"It was making this annoying squawking sound and it wouldn't shut up so I went outside and threw it on the ground and stomped on it." Josh admitted, and I cringed. I wanted to cry at the thought of the baby bird under Josh's foot. But I had gone the whole day without crying and intended to keep it that way. "Sorry if I'm making you uncomfortable." He must've noticed the look on my face.

"No, no, you're okay." I replied, pulling myself back up into the bed. I laid my head on the pillow. "I'm tired, I'm going to sleep." I reached my cast arm over the edge of the bed, and felt him grab my fingers.

"Goodnight." He whispered. I gave his hand a squeeze as best as I could with the cast and whispered "goodnight" in reply.

I loved Josh. I really did. And I couldn't even begin to fathom how much I'd miss him after I was gone. It was too early to wonder if our paths would ever cross again, but I couldn't help it. I wanted to know. Or would I be doomed to a life with someone I didn't truly love? Would I be alone, or would I fall in love with someone else? I whispered a small "fuck" into my pillow and closed my eyes, not wanting to think about the future, and just wanting to enjoy what little time I had left with Josh.

----------

"Oliver, wake up and get dressed!" I heard someone yell into my ear. Next thing I knew I was being hoisted off of my bed and to the floor, my eyes barely even open. "You're going to Camden today. You and Josh and I are going to be a group." Oh, right, it was George. My vision focused and I saw his ragged features right up close to my face.

"Okay." I said. I looked behind me only to see that Josh wasn't even in the room. I had George leave for a moment so I could change my underwear, jumper and jeans. I went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth, staring myself down in the mirror and making a face. I spit out the foam and gargled my mouthwash, and gave myself one last glance in the mirror.

You're hideous!

I didn't know what they were thinking when they said I was thin. I am not, and I never have been, thin. I've probably put on weight, too, with all they're feeding me. It's shit.

I played with the hem of my Jurassic Park jumper as I exited the room, kind of excited for the field trip but kind of dreading it at the same time. I didn't want to leave. No matter how much I hated it, this place was my home, and it had been for almost half my life. Whenever we had a field trip I always had this mix of emotions about it. It was hard to have fun because I wasn't used to how things worked outside of here, and I'd never had a friend to go with. But now I had a private group with my favorite worker and my favorite person, so I had a feeling this was going to go okay.

"Hey, Oli!" Josh greeted me as I stepped outside. All of the boys from this floor were lined up to go down the stairs to the buses. Loading 80 mentally troubled boys onto a few buses was not going to be easy for the workers. But as long as I kept to myself, I would be fine. "Exciting, huh? First field trip in what, six months?" I nodded to Josh and smiled. I wanted to hug him and maybe even give him a kiss on the cheek, but that would make people laugh at him and I didn't want that.

"Yeah. I'm kinda nervous, though..." I admitted as I stepped behind him in the line, being the last person to get on any of the buses. Hopefully I got to sit with Josh.

"Me, too." Josh said, and I looked up at him, surprised. "But we've gotta make the best of it, right?" He added with a laugh, and I smiled again.

Then I sighed and remembered what had happened the day before. "I'm sorry about making Max and Dan angry. I shouldn't have done anything." I said with a frown, switching my eyes to "please forgive me" mode.

"It's okay, Oli. They're arseholes anyway. I only really need one friend, and that's you." Josh said, patting me on the back. Jordan Fish, who was conveniently placed in front of Josh, looked at me and whispered: "gay!"

George snapped his fingers at Jordan and he immediately turned back to Matt Kean and Lee Malia.

Josh's lying, you fat fuck. Why are you so naive? My Matt was an expert at using my own weaknesses against me. He knew I was sensitive about my weight, and he knew I was insecure and easy to sway. But I had to hold strong against him. I had to fight the storm, or else I'd tumble overboard. Hey, that's a good song lyric! I'd have to write that one down.

"Now stop with the eyes, they're making me want to give you a bear hug." Josh said, crossing his arms and laughing. I realized that I was in puppy dog eye mode and blinked it away.

"Sorry." The line began to move and I heard several guys cheer. I was glad someone was excited for Camden.

Pretty soon we were on the bus, and the bus was moving. There were two staff members assigned to each bus with students, and the rest of the staff and chaperones were on the last bus. I was sat next to Josh and I was inconspicuously leaning against him, just enough for him to notice but not enough for George, who was on the other end of the aisle, to notice. Josh was smiling, but he didn't say anything. Not until we were almost there.

He turned to George. "What are we going to do while we're there?" Josh asked, and George shrugged.

"Whatever you boys want to do. We've been saving up for this trip so you each have thirty pounds to spend. I just have to follow you and make sure you don't get in trouble." He replied, and Josh looked over at me with a grin. I hope he realized that we couldn't hold hands or anything, because that would out us to the staff and they'd make sure we never got to see each other ever again.

I smiled back at Josh and looked out the window. We approached the bus parking, and seeing as we were the last bus with students on it, we got a pretty far spot. I'd have to do more walking than I'd hoped. Damn.

The other boys got off the bus and that left me, Josh and George to leave. "Now, boys, be on your best behaviour. We want to show off the school's best." I nearly burst out laughing when George said that, because we were a school for boys with mental issues. Raging testosterone and an array of mental illnesses are not a good combination. As you could probably tell already.

"Alright."

"You got it." Josh and I replied and the same time, and we looked at each other and grinned. We got off the bus and I adjusted the sleeve of my jumper on my cast hand so that my fingers weren't showing. I was cold, but it was still pretty warm outside. I guess I was pretty unhealthy.

"You alright, Oli?" Josh asked, and I nodded, keeping my head straight forward as the chaperones got with their groups. Most were groups of friends with other groups of friends, just as long as each team had six people. There was an occasional straggler stuck in a group of five friends, like Josh's group would've been if he hadn't paired up with me. I wondered if he'd ever go back to Max and Dan, and then I realized how quiet my head was. Matt wasn't talking.

"Matt isn't talking." I whispered, and Josh looked at me, surprised. "He's not talking. Do you think the medicine put my brain on lockdown?"

He sighed. "Maybe. Probably. Oli, there's something I have to tell you." He said as we walked through the front gates of the Camden Markets. It was already fun, because it had very lovely scenery. I loved watching people that I didn't know bustle around and shop for things. I hadn't done that since the Camden Markets trip back when I was twelve.

"What is it?" I asked, and Josh sighed, stopping in his tracks and turning to face me. I stopped, too, as did George.

"Matt's not real."