The Scars on Your Heart

I felt weak and sore during my first day in the hospital. I don't even know what unit I was on. All I knew was that I was in a medical unit. I had three different IVs up and down my left arm (all which hurt because they had to sneak around the wounds) and a cannula in my nose to help me breathe as I threw up. They told me I had to try not to vomit so violently, because I could perforate my esophagus and die. So I tried my hardest to vomit without shaking and without choking or making noise.

I couldn't eat much of anything so they had to pump me full of goo and water to make sure I got the nutrients I needed. The only thing that went in my stomach was dioralyte sachets, which are little sacks of water with sugars and salts in them to keep me hydrated and keep my electrolyte levels balanced, and the occasional cup of rice or applesauce. It would take days for the electrolytes to be fixed, but since they got on it pretty quickly, I felt like I'd be okay.

When George left that evening I felt completely alone, although I had a nurse's supervision at all times. I didn't talk, not even after my vomiting calmed some. My throat hurt too bad and I had nothing to say except how ashamed I was of putting my image before my health. And I wasn't going to say that any time soon.

I still felt like I owed anorexia something. But anorexia only wanted my life. It had most of it already, but I had to take it back. I had to recover, whether I wanted to or not.

I barely slept that night either, because of the nurses constantly waking me up for my doses of dioralyte and because of the fact that I wasn't with Josh. It was ridiculous how close I had gotten to him. I hoped I made it through. I wanted my full two months.

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"Oliver, you have visitors." That was what I woke up to. During the night my vomiting had calmed down so much that I was at once per hour, which was great. I slept through most of the morning (with the exceptions of being woken up by my heart and by the nurses), oddly comfortable in the hospital bed.

"Who?"

"The man who was with you yesterday. What was his name... George? And another student from your school." The nurse - her name was Diana - said. I felt thrilled, but I couldn't get myself too worked up or else my heart would throw a fit again. That meant Josh was coming with George. My two favorite people.

"Hooray." I said quietly with a smile, my eyes fluttering shut and then opening back up more wide. Diana laughed and told the doctor to bring them in. When Josh came in I immediately noticed that he had been crying. George stood by the door as Josh came up to the chair by my bed. "Josh, what's wrong?"

"I fucked up today, Oli. I broke my promise to you already." He said, and I cocked my head, sighing and reaching my hand out for him to take.

"What did you do?"

"I attacked a couple of kids and then I broke Lee Malia's nose and leg. But I had a reason, it wasn't just for nothing. Lee told the school and Dean Maskell about how we kissed at Camden!" He said, raising his voice slightly and then being shushed by a nurse.

My eyes widened and I looked to George, who nodded and sighed. "Oh no!" I said, feeling myself beginning to get upset.

"Calm down, sweetie," Diana said, rushing over to my side. My heart rate was elevating so she took my other hand and told me to breathe. I did as she said and then looked back to Josh.

"It's okay, though, she said yes to letting me come here, so I'm assuming she's cool with it." Josh said, his voice softer, giving my hand a squeeze.

"She is," George interjected. "I convinced her that it was a good thing." He nodded and I smiled at him.

"Thank you, George." I said, my back hurting now that I was sitting up and had nothing to lean on. I pressed the button to make the back of the bed lift to support me. Then I was leaning against the soft-ish mattress, which felt much better. "What did they do to you? Did they put you on one-to-one?"

"Not yet, George says if I act out when I'm here he will, though." Josh replied. "They put me in the safe room, though. For three hours. Nearly pissed myself in there." He chuckled.

"Well, don't act out." I reminded him, and he nodded. I let out a deep breath and Diana came back over with a dioralyte sachet, telling me it was time for my dose. I sighed as she held the sack of water to my lips and I downed the nasty mixture of rehydration salts, sugar and water.

"Good job, Oliver." She said to me and patted my head, and I smiled at her. Then she walked off, and I gave a look of despair to Josh, who simply pouted his lips in response. He looked funny like that, so I laughed.

"I'm tired of being here already," I said with yet another sigh. "I've barely slept." I looked back at Josh who gave my hand a squeeze and gestured for me to lay my bed back down.

"Go to sleep now."

"But what are you going to do? You're going to be bored! Or you'll leave! I don't want that to happen!" I whined, and he shushed me in a gentle manner.

"Just sleep. I'll stay here as long as I can, whether you talk to me or not." He said, the most serious look on his face. I smiled and leaned over the guardrail to kiss him. He reciprocated and we shared a really nice kiss that conveyed our emotions toward each other, both of ours being pure love. My eyes were closed and I half-expected Diana to come over and split us up, but she didn't. When we pulled away, I smiled, and he did, too. "I love you, Oli." He whispered.

"I love you, too." I said as I laid back with my bed. Once it was completely flat, the feeling of my hand in his was enough to lull me to sleep. And I did fall asleep. Unfortunately for too long, because when I woke up, he and George were both gone.

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"Oliver, it's time for lunch." I awoke to Diana's voice in my ear and I looked up to where Josh was supposed to be, when I realized my hand was bare. There was no other hand covering it. He was gone.

"Where's Josh?" I cried, sitting straight up even though it hurt. I looked around, panicked. There were two nurses in the room, one I remember from the previous night, her name being Kayla, and Diana. Kayla ran up to me and placed a gentle hand on my chest, leaning my bed back up and pushing me onto the mattress so that I was sitting at an angle.

"Calm down, Josh left because his supervisor said it was best that they do so. They had to make it to lunch at the school." Kayla explained, looking over at Diana for confirmation. I felt a lump form in my throat and I bit my lower lip.

"But I didn't get to say goodbye!" I whined, stuffing my fists into my eyes, my IVs shifting a bit and causing my arm to hurt.

"He said goodbye to you while you were sleeping, honey," Diana said, and I heard her approaching me slowly. "He didn't want to wake you. He said you looked too peaceful to be disturbed." That didn't stop me from crying, though.

"I want to see Josh!" I squeaked, tears falling from the corners of my eyes and getting my fingers wet. I took my hands down from my face and my IVs shifted again. "Fuck! When can I see Josh again?" I asked, and Diana traded looks with Kayla.

"Well, sweetie," Diana started. "I don't think he'll be coming back. We expect to have you for about a week or a little bit less. You won't get to see him until the end."

My jaw literally dropped. "What?!" I cried. "No! I need Josh! You don't understand! I need Josh!" I began struggling to get all of the wires and tubes off and out of me, but Kayla held me down. I was pretty weak. This time, even though I was mad, I wasn't mad enough to break out of her grip. So I simply gave up and began sobbing. "No, no no no!" I whined. "That can't happen! I need Josh..." My lower lip was quivering and I was making gross noises. I was too tired and weak to protest the dioralyte, so I drank it and then closed my eyes, trying to calm myself down before my heart rate got too high. I felt the bed being lowered back flat so I was laying down, and I pulled my three blankets over myself and bundled up, pretending that the warmth was coming from Josh.

I had never thought I'd think this, but I was thinking: Damn, I wish I was back at school. I had always wanted to leave the place, go home or go somewhere I could call my own, and have that be it. Sometimes I even wanted to be released just so I could kill myself. But now I wanted to be there so bad, just to lay in Josh's bed with him and have him hold me and tell me that everything was going to be okay, that I wasn't going to die because of a stupid disease.

I started shaking again. "Shit!" I muttered, my teeth chattering and my voice jumping. I closed my eyes so I wouldn't have to see the world through blurry eyes again, though I knew I couldn't hold that for long. I felt my stomach churning, trying to get food up my throat enough so that I would vomit. "I'm gonna throw up." I said, just loud enough for Kayla and Diana to hear. I opened my eyes to see where they were. I assumed Diana was off getting my lunch, but Kayla looked at me, horrified.

"Oh no! I'll get you a bucket." She said, rushing out of the room and coming back with a big bucket that looked to be clean, though I could be wrong. She got it to me before I vomited, holding it under my chin. I gripped the edges of the bucket so tight that my knuckles turned white, and I threw up violently into it. Once again, it was mostly blood.

Kayla held my hair back, seeing as it was pretty long and could easily get in the line of fire, and arranged my cannula so that the nose-vomit wouldn't get into it, and I continued to vomit every few minutes for the next hour. I tried to control myself again, but that only made it worse. My esophagus was going to perforate and I was going to die. Tears began squeezing their way out of my closed eyelids again, and my nose was burning from the excess fluid that came through the nostrils.

When I opened my eyes I noticed that Diana stood by the door with my rice in hand, staring at me sadly. She knew that I was going to die, too. Between my vomiting, I managed to choke out a few words: "I want to see Josh again before I die!"

Kayla gasped and Diana shook her head. "Oliver, you're not going to die. You're going to beat this. With a little extra help from the doctors and the medicines, you're going to beat this." Diana said. I felt the nausea settle a bit and then I began to sob, covering my face with my hands.

"No I'm not!" I whined, feeling my hope sink even more. "Right when I realize I have something to live for, this shit happens. It's a sign. The world wants me dead. It's not just my parents and the people at school. It's the universe!" I cried out, and a few nurses from the hallway snuck their way into my view from between my fingers. The saw me and then continued on their way to wherever they were going. Probably back to their meaningful lives.

"Don't say that," Kayla tried reassuring me, grabbing my cast hand and giving my fingers a squeeze. "No one wants you dead. Not even the people at school, and most definitely not your parents. They're coming to visit a little later in the day, did you know that?" I shook my head and coughed, my rancid breath making me want to leave my own body. I don't know how the nurses dealt with me smelling like that.

"I tried to kill myself when I was nine." I said, hearing and feeling my heart rate begin to elevate even more. "I've had schizophrenia since I was six. I was completely delusional until two days ago. I made my brother overdose and kill himself when he was thirteen. I can't walk six feet without getting out of breath. I cry all the time, I write shit songs and overall I'm a complete piece of crap!" I cried, leaning back against the bed. I took my hand back from Kayla and smacked myself in the face. "The only thing that makes my life worth living is Josh. And I can't see him. So you might as well pull the plugs on these machines and kill me. Or I'll have to do it myself." I threatened, and I noticed Kayla's eyes widen. She looked back at Diana, who left the room, leaving my rice on the table by the door.

"Calm down, Oliver, I think Diana is going to go get a few of the security members to restrain you."

"No!" I shouted, sitting up and kicking my legs over the side of the bed, shakily pushing myself off. My IVs shifted in my arm and I yelped, squeezing my eyes shut, but only for a moment. I regained my composure and Kayla was already in front of me, trying to handle me as gently as she could but also as forcibly as she could without hurting me. "Get away from me!" I tore at the tape on my arms after getting the pulse-thing off of my right index finger, pulling two of the IVs out at once. They began to bleed profusely, as much blood as the tiny holes would allow. Kayla gripped my left arm to keep me from getting the third out, causing my wounds to burn like hell. I screamed and shoved her away with a mighty force I didn't know I had. She stumbled backwards into the wall and I got the third IV out, beginning to run from my room. I was wearing nothing but a hospital gown and my underwear, so I was freezing, but I had to get away. I had to get out. The security guards Diana had called were closing in from behind me so I ran as fast as I could for as long as I could.

They were right behind me now, so I sprinted through the hallway, shoving people out of my way with blood dripping down my stitched-up arm. I was beginning to lose my vision, I was so dizzy, and my legs were starting to give out. I had no idea where I was going. I just had to get away. I felt a strong arm wrap around my waist and pick me right off my feet, though my legs continued to kick as if I was still on the ground. Once I realized that they were taking me back to my room I began screaming bloody murder and kicking my feet backwards to try and stun the guard. I also beat his arms and got blood all over them, but it was all for nothing.

Next thing I knew, I was strapped to my bed, all of my appendages tied down and three straps on my body; one on my chest, stomach, and thighs. Kayla was stroking my hair and trying to calm me down, although I could tell she was still pretty freaked out. They had to reattach my IVs after covering up the bleeding holes, which meant they had to stab around my cuts and cause me extreme pain again.

Eventually I got to the point where I was just sobbing really hard, tears streaming down my cheeks and flooding my mouth and my nose. "I want Josh..." I moaned over and over, and Kayla gave me a sad look each time. She sat with me for what must've been hours, because all of a sudden the sun was setting. Diana was gone; her and Kayla traded jobs at lunchtime.

Kayla's pager beeped and she checked it, smiling at me. "Your parents are here." I groaned and closed my eyes. "When stuff like this happens it's mandatory to let your legal guardians know, so they'll be entirely aware of what happened earlier." Great. Now they can yell at me.

It took a few minutes but eventually my parents walked through the doors. "Hello, Oliver," My mom said with a smile, not at all surprised to be visiting me while I'm restrained. It's happened before.

"Hi, Mum." I said quietly, trying to get my crying under control. Kayla rubbed my head one more time before standing.

"I'll allow you three some privacy." She muttered, crossing her hands in front of her and walking out of the room, but - from what I could see - standing outside the door.

"We heard you remembered Tom's incident and figured out that Matt was fake." My dad said, and that just messed me up all over again.

"I miss Matt, and I really miss Tom!" I whined, pissed off at the fact that I was unable to wipe my tears from my eyes and that my face was soaked. "Well, Matt was really mean to me for a while but I miss him being nice." I bit my lower lip and looked from my mum to my dad, my mum was smiling and my dad had and prevalent frown.

"We also heard about your fun with Joshua Franceschi." Dad said, and my eyes widened.

"Why did Maskell tell you that?" I asked, the tremble in my voice much more noticable now.

"It was important for us to know. She's okay with it, she told us so, but we're not." He continued, and I felt my eyes getting even wider. I knew what this meant.

"Mum!" I cried, trying to keep my dad from saying what he was inevitably going to say.

"When I joked about boyfriend material, I didn't mean it. Homosexuality is very wrong." She informed me, and I shook my head, feeling the tears starting to rush from the corners of my eyes again.

"We will have you at home in two weeks. I don't know why, but that's the soonest they're letting you out."

I was screaming by now, trying my hardest to cover my ears but the words had already been said and heard. "No! No!" I was sobbing uncontrollably and my heart was racing once more. "Don't take me away from Josh! Please!" I cried. "Do you know what that will do to me?!" I screamed at my dad, who wasn't reacting at all. My mum was trying not to cry, I could tell. So I guess she cared about me a little bit. "Just let me have the rest of my two months with him! Please!" I sobbed, trying to flail my arms and kick my legs but the restraints were so tight that I could move them only slightly.

"Oliver, you have to listen to me." My dad stated gruffly, grabbing my jaw and angling my face towards his. "What you have done is morally wrong. We're assuming Tom went to Hell for killing himself, and we don't want you going where he went. He told you not to." I gnawed on my lower lip and squeezed my eyes shut, not wanting to look at my dad's face. "We want you to have time to redeem yourself before you're out on your own, making mistakes. Hopefully this will be one less mistake you have to worry about."

"Dad, you know I don't believe in that!"

"But we do. And we're your legal guardians. You already tried to kill yourself again today. We're here to put an end to the antics." Antics?! They thought this was foolish? They thought I was doing this on purpose?!

"Dad! Mum! Please, stop!" I whimpered, not much energy left in me at this point. I opened my eyes again and my dad was looking furious.

"Oliver, you have to understand, we're doing this for your brother's and your own good!" I shook my head and noticed how high my heart rate was. I looked over at the monitor. 205 BPM. Why wasn't Kayla in here doing something about it?

As if I could tell the future, Kayla came barging in with a syringe full of liquid to put into my saline IV. It was the heart-stopping medicine that would get my heart rate down enough so that I could breathe normally and function normally. She pushed my parents out of her way and injected the medicine into the small tube, and made a choked, tight groan as I couldn't breathe for eight seconds. My heart monitor went flat-line, and my mum was actually crying now.

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you two to leave." Kayla said calmly, and my mum shook her head.

"No, we've barely had time with him!"

"You're stressing him out, and the last thing he needs right now is to be stressed." Kayla said, and my father began showing himself out the door.

"Remember your place, Oliver." He shouted at me as Kayla rushed Mum out the door. Once they were out, Kayla shut the door and came back to the chair by my bedside, taking my hand and stroking my hair.

"It's going to be okay, Oliver." She whispered in a soothing manner, and I couldn't help but trust her. Everything would work out. I'd get to spend as much time as I could with Josh. I'd be back at the school within a week and I'd be fine, and nothing would come between Josh and I.