The Scars on Your Heart

Four days since I'd seen Oli. I was practically dying. What the hell would happen to me when he was gone for good? I needed to start separating from him some. Being so attached wasn't a good thing. I had another month and half with him, I could manage that. I'd still show my love for him, but I'd get him off my mind constantly. I hoped he'd understand.

It was after dinner, and I was sitting in the main lounge with Max and Dan, while Chris and Matt were off doing God knows what. "Do you miss Oliver?" Max asked. It was cool that he was allowing me to be so open about it around him. Dan wasn't completely comfortable with it, but he wasn't bullying me for it either. And Matt and Chris were so quiet about everything, I didn't know what they thought.

"Yeah. A lot." I said with a sigh. "George says he's supposed to be coming back tonight, though. His electrolytes are better now, whatever that means." I chuckled. "He still has to drink that salty shit though, and he has to get a blood test every other day, at least that's what George told me. We'll get the w"Josh, he's here." Most of the guys laughed and made kissy faces, but I had to remember that they were just being immature about it. At least my friends were somewhat okay with my relationship with Oli.

I stood straight up and rushed to the door. "I'll be back, guys." I muttered, looking back at them but the running down the hall and two flights of stairs to get to the first floor. I waited at the electrically locked double doors, arms crossed and toe tapping. I was starting to get impatient when he wasn't in after five minutes, but then I heard the click of the doors unlocking.

"Hi, Josh." Oli said with a smile, being pushed in a wheelchair through the doors, and looking sicker than he had before.

"Whoa, are you sure you're better now? You look terrible." I said, trying not to show my shock but failing.

"That's what everyone wants to hear on their first day back." He said with a laugh. "Yeah, I'm not throwing up anymore and my heart's back to normal. I still shake sometimes but I'm good other than that." He stood up from his wheelchair, spindly legs shaking with the sudden weight. George said he'd been gaining weight at a steady pace, but he didn't look like it. I noticed that his stitches had been removed and he had gauze over the three places his IVs had been. "Can we go to our room?" He asked, looking at me but then to George, who nodded and placed a gentle hand on Oli's back.

It took him a long time to get up the stairs and down the hall, but eventually we got there, and George left to go check on the guys in the main lounge again. Oli sat down on my bad, leaning back against the wall. "George says I have to sleep with you still, because I can't climb and he doesn't want to drop me. Not that that's a bad thing." He said with a grin, patting the spot next to him and holding his arms out for me to hold him. I got comfortable next to him and wrapped my arms around him, Oli putting his legs on the bed with his knees bent. He rested his head on my shoulder, and I sighed, kissing his forehead. "I love you." He whispered, and I whispered the same back. "I fucked up, too, you know." He muttered, and I cocked an eyebrow.

"What did you do?"

"I put myself in danger. I pulled out my IVs and ran away from my room. Apparently I was really fast, too, Kayla said. You didn't meet her." He said with a heavy sigh, not looking at me. He was pretty ashamed from what I could tell.

"Aw, Oli," I said, rubbing his back where his spine protruded. "It's okay. Well, it's not okay, but since I fucked up, it gave you room to fuck up, too. Can we start our promise over right now?"

"We've only got ten more days to be honest with each other about it."

"What are you talking abo-"

"My dad came in on the day you came in and told me he and my mom were pulling me out of the school." He said, and my heart nearly stopped. My eyes were wide and I got really stiff, feeling myself getting choked up. By the tremor in Oli's voice, I could tell he was upset, too. "We've only got ten more days." He buried his face in my chest and he began shaking, but not in the manner of his refeeding syndrome. He was crying. "I'm gonna miss you so much!" He cried, and I didn't do anything but tighten my grip on him. I was staring at the floor. It didn't feel real. Nothing felt real in that moment.

But then it hit me like a brick to the face. "Oli, that's not true, is it? Stop playing games." I said, trying to fool myself into believing that this was some sick joke Oli had planned for me.

"I'm not playing games, Josh!" He cried, looking up at me, and the sadness in his eyes was so real that I literally broke down right there. I took my arms from around him and covered my face, resting my elbows on my knees.

"Fuck!" I whispered, feeling myself trying to suppress the sobs that were already racking my body. "Why would they do that?!" I said louder this time, looking over at Oli, who was crying harder than ever. He was just staring at me, biting his lip and looking so upset that it was stupid. Why the fuck would they fucking do that to him?

"They say it's to allow me to redeem myself for the 'mistakes' I've made with you before I go out on my own, so that I have one less thing to worry about going to hell for. They want me to stay away from my brother." He replied, his voice shaking so hard I was afraid he might vomit. "They're not religious at all, but they believe in their stupid moral code that says homosexuality is a criminal thing." He said. "I'm going to miss you so much." Oli whined, resting his head on my shoulder once more.

"Your parents fucking suck." I muttered, feeling him nod against me. So much for my separation plan. We were going to be separated in less than two weeks. "Well, I propose that with the time we have left together, we spend it having fun and not moping." I said, and he sat up straight, wiping his eyes and nodding.

"Yeah. I wrote a song for you while I was in the hospital. I'll... er, sing it for you, on the last day, if you want." He muttered, his face flushing as the tears stopped.

"That would be nice." I said with a smile, my tears stopping as well. "And the music room is getting a piano in a few days. So maybe you could write some music to it as well." I suggested, and Oli's face instantly perked up.

"Cool! I'll enjoy it every day that I'm here." He said with a subtle nod.

"Do you want to go to the main lounge? Max and Dan are there." Oli's eyes widened at my suggestion. "Relax, they're cool with it now. We made up several days ago."

He shrugged, still appearing to be a bit nervous. "Er, okay, I guess."

I smiled and took Oli's bony hand, standing up, and helping him up as well. He followed behind me and I prepared myself for a terrible reaction from the rest of the guys at the fact that I was holding Oli's hand, ready to them to laugh and call me a gaylord or a faggot or cocksucker or whatever was the word of the day. But the instant they went after Oli was the instant they'd learn their lesson.

I was surprised that people were still coming after me after seeing what I was capable of with Lee. I am in a school full of mentally ill and slow guys, though. So I guess it's expected.

Oli and I walked in the door, and I looked over at him, realizing that he was biting his nails. He really was nervous, huh. "Stop that," I laughed, and the rest of the room laughed as well, but not at my words. They were laughing at the fact that I was with Oli again.

"Er, I should probably go." Oli said, shaking his head once the room started laughing.

"No, no no no, Oli, you should stay. Don't pay them any mind." His hand tensed up inside mine. "Seriously. Face your fears, you know?"

He made a small whining noise but then agreed to join me and my friends in the main lounge. Max and Dan smiled in a welcoming manner to help Oli get over his terror that the last time in here caused. He smiled shyly back but most of his face was hidden behind my shoulder. He was hunched over as if that helped to make him invisible. It just made the other laugh more. Most of them were turned back to their board games or the television, but some were still laughing. I looked over at Oli, noticing that his eyes were squeezed shut. He was probably trying to wish his way out of the situation. Poor guy.

"Hey, Oliver," Dan said, sighing and then smiling again. He really was trying his hardest. "You feeling okay?"

I felt Oli nod and he came out from behind me, opening his eyes and realizing that he made it to the center of the room, where one of the four long couches was. He smiled and looked at me. "I did it!" He whispered, and I nodded. "Yeah, I'm feeling okay, still cold, though." He said with a shrug, waiting for me to take a seat before he did. I sat by Max who was by Dan, and Oli sat on the other side of me, luckily not having to sit beside anyone else.

"Josh, have you been crying? Your eyes are red." Max noticed, and I sighed, nodding.

"Yeah, er, Oli's being pulled out of this place in ten days."

Max kept switching facial expressions. Dan just kept his neutral, appearing to be waiting for Max to say something first. "Er, Oliver, I want to say I'm happy for you but I don't know how you feel." Max said. "You're finally getting out but you just made friends with someone."

"Yeah..." Oli whispered, looking at his hands and twiddling his thumbs. "I'm not looking forward to it. When I leave that means it's back to having no friends at all. And having bitchy parents who care for my dead brother more than they care for me." He muttered, looking back up with sadness brimming in his hazel eyes. I sighed. Dan did as well, and then Max. Oli looked over at me and gave me a half-smile. "I'm going to miss Josh very much." He said quietly, then looked back over to my friends. "And I suggest that we spend as much time being acquaintances as we can. Or even better... friends." He nodded.

Max nodded in agreement, as did Dan. "Sounds good, Oliver." Dan spoke finally, offering his hand out in front of Max. "Friends."

Oli tentatively grabbed his hand and gave it a solid shake. He kept eye contact, which was surprising - to me, at least. Dan smiled and took his hand away, looking at it, then placing it back by his side. I could tell he was trying not to insult Oli by wiping his hand free of his "filth", no matter how badly he wanted to. This was great.

A few of the guys at the game table were looking over at the four of us, stupid grins on their faces. That was what bothered me the most. Not even what they said to me. Just what they were probably thinking of me. Max pushed a hand back through his muddy brown hair and sighed. "We're sorry, Oliver. For everything." Dan was nodding in the background as Max spoke. "For making fun of you, for scaring you, for everything."

Oli smiled at them. "It's okay. Just as long as everything is fine now." I was proud of him. Although he wasn't really in the position to be refusing friends, he definitely would have refused this a few weeks ago.

"Oliver?" I turned around, and so did Oli, only to find George standing in the doorway with a bag of cloudy liquid. I guess it had to be fed that way. I just wondered why they couldn't use cups.

"Okay, but I can come back after this, right?" He asked, and George nodded. Oli clapped once and took off in the direction of George, as if doing that would make him be able to come back faster. They walked off down the hall, and I looked back to Max and Dan.

"Thanks guys, it really means a lot." I said, and they smiled.

"We just realized it's better to be his friend than his enemy. Plus, we needed you back. That was the way to get you back." Dan explained. "It's such a shame that he's leaving so soon, though. I can't imagine how bad you must feel."

"Yeah..." I muttered. "I'm going to miss him a lot. But it'll give me time to clear my head before I graduate. I need good grades. That's the only upside." I shrugged, running a hand back through my messy hair, untangling some knots in the process.

Oli rushed in, breathing heavily as he sat down. He eyes were sunken and his skin was sallow. Just like it was before he left for the hospital. Maybe even more so. "Do these look infected to you, Josh?" He asked me, holding up his arm that was covered in scars, but talking about the fresh ones that the stitches were removed from.

"Yeah, actually. Why?"

"George put cream on them and it hurt."

"Then they're probably infected." I said and he pouted. I let out a chuckle and ruffled his hair. "It goes away, you know. Infections only last for a little while."

"Okay." Oli said with a shrug. He really did act like a kid sometimes.

----------

Oli and I talked to Max and Dan for a long time, almost until curfew. Right around that time, though, Oli said he felt sick and left to go to our room. I stayed with Max and Dan to give him some privacy, but Max pushed me to go check on him, so I did.

"Oli?" I asked when I walked into the room. The lights were all out and it was nearly pitch black. I fumbled for the switch and flipped it on, finding Oli laying face first on my bed. "You okay?" I asked, and he muttered something into the pillow. I couldn't understand it, so I knelt by the bed and tapped his shoulder. He rolled over so that he was facing me.

"Yeah. That was a lot of socializing." He explained with a sigh, and I nodded.

"You did good." I said, sitting down next to him. I patted his back and he closed his eyes.

"I don't want to mess up anymore." He whispered, and I cocked an eyebrow, looking at the floor.

"What do you mean?"

"I mess up all the time. I mean, with all my problems and shit, I always fuck up in one way or another." He said. "I don't want to do that anymore."

"Then don't." I said, looking over at him, and he looked up at me.

"I can't-"

"Just, don't. Try your best not to, and if you don't believe that you fucked up, then you didn't." I explained. He looked at me for a few moments and then smiled.

"I guess you're right."

"I know I'm right." I laughed. "That's how I acted before you came into my life. I never fucked up, I was perfect. And that's the mindset I'd like to have again. It's better to believe you're perfect than believe you're a failure. I just want to do better with it. Not offend and hurt as many people." I explained with a shrug, and Oli sat up beside me.

"Did I ruin that for you?" He asked quietly, and I shook my head.

"I wouldn't say that, I'd just say you gave me a new perspective. I mean, yeah, I'd had girlfriends before I came here, but I didn't really love any of them like I love you. Feeling this way has opened up my eyes. I see what I was doing wrong, and I want to change it. Like Max and Dan, and I think Chris and Matt. They saw what they were doing wrong. You've changed five lives in two short weeks, Oli. You should be proud."

He rested his head on my shoulder and sighed. "I guess." He mumbled. Oli yawned and laid down again. "I'm going to sleep."

"Did you brush your teeth?"

"Yes." He growled. While I had been living with him I noticed that he really didn't like brushing his teeth or hair or taking showers much. He had to be reminded at least three times before he'd actually do it, and often with showers George would have to check if he actually cleaned himself. It was interesting.

"Good." I said, getting up from the bed and heading to the bathroom to brush my teeth myself. Once that was done, I returned to the bed we were sharing, only to find Oli already snoring. I chuckled and pulled the covers out from under him, covering the both of us with the blankets and laying my head on the pillow. "I love you." I whispered. I didn't receive an answer, but that was okay. I knew he was thinking the same thing.