The Scars on Your Heart

I came into my room after an hour of hanging out with Max, Dan, Chris and Matt in the main lounge, ready to spend some time with Oli and ask him how his visit with Matt went. I wanted to know more about this guy. If I was going to figure out what was going on in his head, then I was going to have to dig up everything I could without seeming suspicious. The instant I walked in I was surprised to see that not only was Oli asleep in my bed, but he had been crying. There were still tears on his eyelashes and my pillow was wet. "Aw," I whispered and closed the door behind me, going over to sit on my mattress. Once I was situated beside his sleeping form I began to rub his back, and what was originally a tense sleep slowly turned into a relaxed one. It was amazing what kind of powers the human touch held.

I laid down beside him just like I had earlier this afternoon, placing my arm around his back and touching our foreheads together, closing my eyes and listening to him breathe. He moved a bit closer to me in his sleep, placing his hands in front of my chest. I smiled, and before I got too comfortable, stood up and turned the light off. I felt my way back to my bed and placed a gentle kiss on Oli's forehead before assuming the position we had been in earlier.

Oli began to say something, slurred and drowsy-sounding but still audible. He squirmed a bit and then relaxed. "I love you... Josh." He muttered, and I smiled.

"I love you, too, Oli."

It was fucking incredible how our relationship had progressed in three days. We started out as enemies but were becoming lovers. At least, that's what I thought and wanted. I had kind of gotten over the fact that I was gay for Oli. It didn't matter that he was a dude, all that mattered was that I had finally found love, as did he. After being locked away for so long I'm sure it would be kind of a relief.

We laid there in silence for a good hour before I conked out, just enjoying each other's company. "Good night." I said as I felt myself drifting off. It would definitely be a good night's sleep for me.

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I woke up the next morning with Oli in my bed and in my arms, him doing the cute little snore thing I noticed on the second night we'd spent together. I smiled and got out of bed as gently and quietly as I could, careful not to wake him. But, despite my efforts, he woke up.

He rubbed his eyes. "Hi, Josh," He said, and I was already out of the bed by then. "I'm sorry I'm in your bed. Did you sleep in mine?"

"Yeah." I lied, scratching the back of my neck and giving him a nervous grin. He smiled at me.

"I'm sorry."

"It's no big deal." I said, not really knowing what to do other than ask why he had been crying. "I saw that you were crying before you went to sleep," I said, kneeling by the bed as he sat up. "anything you wanna talk about?" I played with his thumb and looked him in the eye, and he appeared confused for a moment. Then it all came back to him and he pressed his lips together.

"It was Matt," Oli's voice was choked and tears were welling in his eyes. Damn, he cried a lot. Nothing wrong with that, but still. "I accidentally let slip that we kissed and he started calling me names and left." He sniffed and choked out a few more words. "Why are people like that?" He paused, wiping the tears from his eyes. "Why do people hate other people for the way that they love?" I was frozen. It was almost like he had forgotten that I had hated him so much for the exact reason that Matt had left him just then.

"I don't know, but it's stupid." I managed, and got up to sit with him on the bed. The breakfast bell hadn't rung yet and I was starving, but we weren't allowed to leave our rooms until then. "He's probably at home tossing off right now because he has nothing better to do, so I wouldn't worry about it." I laughed, but that didn't seem to help Oli at all. I cleared my throat. "Anyway," I started, trying to tone down my cheery mood. Sleeping with Oli in my arms had made me extremely happy and I couldn't shake it. "what's Matt like?" I asked, curious.

"Why do you care?" He cocked an eyebrow at me and wiped the tears from his face. He was calming down now.

"I... don't know, honestly, but I'm just wondering." I shrugged. He took a deep breath.

"He's got stretched ears, you know, with gauges, and he has a lot of tattoos. He's kind of hard to understand for me and he says 'mate' a lot. He called you a shithead and he hates you even more now that I told him what happened between us, so you wouldn't really want to encounter him. He can pack a punch." Oli laughed. "One time I made a joke that offended him and he punched me in the gut. I couldn't breathe proper for a day." I smiled as his tone began to lighten. "Anyway, he used to be real sweet to me and always sided with me unless I did something bad, and he never called me crazy while everyone else did." Oli smiled, most likely at the memory of having such a good friend, a gift I'd never really had. Even if you counted Max, I couldn't call him a good friend, because most of what we did was make fun of people and talk about them behind their backs. Mostly Oli. I didn't do that anymore, though, seeing what it could do to someone. And seeing that Oli was an amazing guy. Whenever Max and the guys starting laughing about anyone, whether I found it true or not, I wouldn't join in anymore. I hated the fact that I used to be so mean. And I still was. But I could change, and I realized that now. Maskell was right. I could change.

"Matt and Tom got along real well. I wonder if Tom'll side with me or him if Matt tells..." Oli wondered aloud, staring at his bandaged arm and picking at the clips that held the bandage in place.

We heard a knock on the door. Both of us looked up as the door opened and in came George. "Oliver, it's time to change the dressing on your arm." He said, holding up a fresh elastic bandage.

Oli sighed. "Okay." He followed the man out of our room, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

I had never actually seen Matt before, so I didn't know if he was one of Oli's imaginary friends or not. Before I got to know him I just thought Oli was hallucinating his brother (which he was; everyone knew he was dead) and Matt. But now that Matt had done such a horrible thing to Oliver, I wasn't so sure. He could very well be real. Just someone I happened to never see. Then again, I'd only walked by the visiting room Oli was in one time, and that was two months ago. I may have just looked away when I got the chance to see who was in there with him. Imaginary friends were supposed to be nice. There was no way Matt was a figment of Oli's imagination. That was what schizophrenia was, right? Imaginary friends that are nice. If you hear voices then the voices are mean, but the "friends" are friends. And I guess not realizing that they're imaginary is a part of it, too.

Oli came back with a fresh bandage around his entire forearm. He looked like he'd just seen a ghost. "What's wrong?" I asked. There was a lot of that in this room. We were constantly asking each other what was bothering us.

"It's Matt." Oli bit down on his lower lip and began chewing it. "He broke into my brain."

I was absolutely confused. "Wait, what?"

"Matt tapped into my brainwaves! I can hear him talking to me! And he can probably hear my thoughts!" He ran at me and hugged me, crying into my shoulder. As I said, he cried a lot.

"Shh," I wrapped my arms around him, tightly, pressing my lips to the side of his head. "it's okay."

"No, it's not! He told me he's gonna kill me! I'm gonna miss you so much." He sobbed and squeezed me even tighter. That had to have been hurting him, but he did it anyway. "I love you, Josh. Don't let him kill me!" He had just said the three words. Consciously. I was both happy and sad, happy because he loved me, but sad because he was having an episode.

"I love you, too," Eventually came out, as well as: "and I promise I won't let him lay a finger on you." I played along, and then he let out a scream, letting go of me and falling to the floor with his hands over his ears and his eyes squeezed shut.

"Stop it! Stop it!" He cried, and I couldn't do anything but sit there and watch. This was heart-wrenching. He just sat on the floor, repeating the same thing over and over and crying his eyes out. "What do I do, Josh?" He asked, shaking his head quicker than I'd ever seen anyone do it before. It was like those possessed people I used to see on TV. He stopped and looked at me, his eyes shining with tears and his long dark hair sticking to his face. "What do I do?"

"Calm down," I said, grabbing his hands gently so that I wouldn't hurt him. "tell me what he said to you."

"He said..." Oli started, then cried out again. "Shut up! I'm talking! He said that you were messing me up and I had to get rid of you first." He slowly stood and I stood with him. I sighed.

"Sounds like someone's a little jealous." I said, and Oli stomped his foot on the ground.

"I'm not jealous!" He threw his fists by his side and stared at me, the tears shut down and his eyes filled with rage.

"I wasn't talking about y--"

"I'm angry! I'm angry that you're turning my best friend into a weak little faggot! And I'm mad about everything you said to him." Okay, so this wasn't Oli. I assumed it was Matt, "taking over" Oli's body. "In other words, I hate you, and you deserve to die." Was this how all schizophrenics were? I'd heard it was another word for multiple personality disorder but when I asked a psychiatrist a while back they said those were two completely different things.

Next thing I knew, my head was being slammed into the bar at the bottom of Oli's bunk. "Fuck!" I shouted, and he did it again, and again, and again.

"Die already! Die!" Oli - no, Matt - was screaming. There was only one thing I could think: What the hell is going on? "Go away, Matt!" I opened my eyes when I felt his hands removed from my head. Oli's fingers were plugging his ears and he was lalala-ing at the top of his lungs, looking up at the ceiling. "Fuck off!" He screamed, and then dropped to the floor, hitting his head pretty hard. "Ouch!" I knelt down beside him and he shoved me back into the wooden bar on my bed. That knocked the wind out of me and I sat there unable to breathe for a good thirty seconds before I realized what Oli was doing now. He had unwrapped his bandages and was pulling at the stitches, making himself plead for mercy, as well as bleed. Where the hell was the staff? How could they not hear all the screaming? I opened the door and quite a few other students were crowded around it, peeking in when they got the chance. I shoved through the crowd and closed the door behind me, running to the desk with the window.

"What now, Franceschi?" A newer tech asked when I knocked on the window, probably informed about what had happened the night before last.

"Oli's freaking out," I said hurriedly. "someone needs to go get him. He pulling out his stitches, but it's not really him, it's Matt." The tech cocked her eyebrow at my story.

"Matt? You mean his hallucination, Matt?" She asked, and I nodded.

"He's like, possessing him or something." She let out a huge sigh as I said this and slowly walked out of the room behind the window. "Hurry! He's gonna hurt himself again!" She didn't listen, just slowly walked to our room as I ran in front of her. I opened the door after telling the other guys to fuck off, and Oli was on the ground crying, his arm bleeding again, one set of stitches completely ripped out and in his hand, as well as some skin that came along with it. I gagged, and the tech's eyes widened. She pulled out a walkie and said something inaudible to me and pretty soon two of the security guards were hauling Oli up. "Wait, a minute, where are you taking him?"

"Safe room," One of the guards replied dully. "we're gonna stitch him back up there but he's going to be in there for a while." Oli was screaming and flailing his arms and legs as much as he could while being restrained.

"Oli, it's okay!" I managed over his noise and the lump in my throat. "You'll be okay! Just keep telling Matt to fuck off. Keep telling him that and he'll go away!" Oli cast a look back at me, and my heart bled for him. He was terrified and I couldn't help him.

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My stomach wasn't strong enough for breakfast that morning, or lunch that afternoon. Not knowing how Oli was getting along was killing me, so I spent almost the whole day in my room, with the exception of leaving to ask how he was. They wouldn't tell me anything at all. Luckily it was Saturday, so I had some time to waste. I skipped therapy and all the other scheduled activities, waiting until free time to go to the main lounge.

"Hey, Josh," Max greeted me, and I nodded at him, plopping down on one of the many couches, right beside Dan. "what happened with Sykes earlier? There are different stories circulating. I heard the one where he was hopelessly in love with you and you told him to kill himself so he tried again." Max was grinning.

"It's not funny." I stated bluntly, glaring at him. He frowned.

"Come on, man, it was a joke."

"I said it wasn't funny, joke or not. What happened with Oliver was scary and you don't deserve to know the real story if you're going to joke around about it." I looked out the doorway and saw Oli going by the door. "Bye guys."

"Wait, where are you going?" Dan asked.

"To be with Oli."

Oli was laying in my bed by the time I got to our room, staring up at the wooden planks underneath his. "Hey," I said quietly, shutting the door and pulling the chair over to the bedside. "how are you feeling?"

"Bad. I'm sorry, Josh, Matt was being an ass." He said, covering his face with his hands. "You shouldn't have to look out for me all the time. All I do is hurt you. Literally."

I shook my head. "No." I said. "I shouldn't have to look out for you all the time. But I do because I want to." I said, patting his leg and getting him to look at me. "I love you, Oliver. I'd do anything for you."

"Lay with me." He said, and I did so. I looked into his dark hazel eyes and he looked into mine. He leaned forward and kissed me, placing his hand on the back of my neck. It was a long, passionate kiss that made me feel exploding butterflies in my stomach. Fireworks and nervousness. We eventually parted and he looked away shyly. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that."

"You shouldn't have done a lot of things, but that wasn't one of them." I laughed, still enjoying the taste of him on my mouth. "Are you going to go to dinner? I'll sit with you."

He thought about it for a second, and then replied. "Sure. Only if you sit with me and not Max." He said, looking at me with a smile.

I grinned back. "Of course."