I'll Make You Feel Beautiful Once Again

It was Tuesday.

It was four days ago that we were all able to sneak back into the facility, with the help of Oliver’s trusty bobby bin.

And it was four days ago that Kellin’s lips were on mine.

Of course I saw him every day in Connections, but that wasn’t the point. I didn’t want to have a meaningful conversation with him in Connections. I want to be able to talk to him, face to face, outside of class. Like when we listened to his music on my bed. It’s difficult in class because the only thing the old man lets us talk about was our feelings and like… fucking emotions. I’d rather lock myself in my room all day with the shades drawn than tell everyone about the fucked up things that went through my head. Keeping things I secret is easier than telling people who won’t believe you or who would judge you.

I was going to have to do something that required balls.

If I wanted to see Kellin so badly, I was going to have to call him. It was simple; just a few numbers to punch in, a few rings, then eureka, his sweet angelic voice would be pouring through the other line. I could do that… right?

I shot up from my bed, earning a startled look from Mike who I shared a room with and who was reading Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone for the millionth time since it came out last year. “Do you have the phone?” I asked him.

“Yeah,” he mumbled, pointing to the top of his dresser. “It’s right there.”

I mumbled a quick thanks before grabbing the cordless phone, snatching the school directory from my Junk Drawer, then locked myself in the bathroom. I slid to the floor with my back against the door and began searching for his name. The uneasiness in my stomach turned into a swarm of butterflies, and my throat felt really dry. Tapping his name with my index finger, I turned to the phone and punched in the numbers with shaking fingers. I stared at the flashing screen for a couple seconds, contemplating on
whether I should call him or just ignore my strong feelings for him.

Fuck it. I’m calling him.

I pressed the green “call” button and held my breath as I listened to the phone ring in my ears merrily. While waiting for someone to answer, I focused on my socked feet that were tapping nervously on the tile floor.

“Bostwick residence,” a child-like voice sang into the phone. This kid couldn’t be older than five years old.

I choked, trying to regain myself from spacing out. “Yeah… uhm,” I coughed. “Is Kellin there?”

“May I ask who is calling, please?” The kid asked me, his voice squeaky and cute.

“Um… Vic. Vic Fuentes,” I managed, trying to breathe through my nose and calm my racing heart.

“Okay, hi Vic! Hold on… KELLINNN!!! PHONE!!! IT’S SOME GUY NAMED FUENTITS OR SOMETHINGGGGG!!!” The kid shrieked, and Jesus Christ, I had to hold the phone back from my ear so I wouldn’t go deaf. For a couple of seconds, all I could hear was shuffling and thumping, and someone scolding, “Don’t yell in the house! Use your inside voice... and don’t EVER say Fuentits again.” After a couple “sorries”, a few “thank-you’s” and a “go-play-in-your-room”, I heard someone sigh into the phone.

“Hey, Vic,” Kellin breathed, and I could practically hear the smile in his voice.

“Hi, Kellin,” I gushed, a goofy grin pulling at my lips.

“’Sup??” He asked me.

“Oh, nothing. I was in my room,” I told him, all of my fears vanishing. “What about you?”

“Babysitting my siblings,” he groaned with a giggle.

“So, that was your brother on the phone? How old is he?”

“Four,” Kellin said, shuffling around. I heard a door click in the background, and I’m guessing he was doing the same thing as me: locking himself away from any eavesdropping siblings.

“Oh,” I sighed. “Um, hey, can I ask you something?”

“Shoot,” he told me with a laugh.

“Wannahangout?” I mumbled. “I mean, since we only see each other at Connections, and it’s kinda useless at the overnight facility since all we do is have group therapy and do stupid exercises and stuff. So I thought-”

“Vic, stop rambling,” Kellin giggled on the other line, making me blush in embarrassment. “Yeah, I’d love to hang out. I’m pretty sure my Mom will let me get out of watching my brothers and my sister for the night.”

“Really?” I smiled weakly. “Cool, then, I’ll pick you up in a few?”

“Yeah, sure. Where are we going?”

“You’ll see... Oh, and Kellin?”

“Yeah?”

“Bring some old cassette tapes, ‘kay?”

Kellin giggled softly, and said, “Yep, sure thing. See ya, Vic.”

As the line went dead, I stood up from my position on the floor and stared at myself in the mirror. I saw myself smile, and it almost felt weird... having this grin pulling at the sides of my lips. It’s just that whenever I thought about Kellin, my insides went all crazy and I couldn’t stop blushing like an idiot. I was used to looking at my reflection in the glass, only seeing a useless frown on my face. A smile felt like unexplored territory.

About thirty minutes later, Kellin was rushing down the stone steps of his house with a couple tapes in his hands. When he saw me waiting in my car, a huge smile instantly stretched across his face, causing my cheeks to burn to see how happy he was to see me. He was wearing his signature tight, distressed jeans and military-styled boots. A shirt with John Lennon on it hugged his dramatic and skinny waist perfectly. “Hiya, Vic!” Kellin grinned while climbing into the passenger seat. “I got the tapes... I have,” he mumbled, searching through the countless plastic rectangles which were marked with masking tape and Sharpie. “I have Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Smashing Pumpkins, ummm, Sublime, and Guns ‘N’ Roses. What did you bring, Vic?”

With the car rumbling in front of his house, a fished through the glove box and pulled out my stash of tapes. Like Kellin’s, my tapes had masking tape over the front with the song title and artist written in Sharpie. To add a little bit of “Me” to the tapes, I also doodled some random things along the plastic. “I have R.E.M., Red Hot Chili Peppers, RadioHead... The Cranberries, Oasis, Blink 182, ummm, The Verve, and Weezer. I also have PM Dawn, The Fugees, The Offspring, Lenny Kravitz, anddd No Doubt.”

“Wow,” Kellin whispered. “Your taste in music is absolutely beautiful.”

Blushing, I averting my eyes and pulled out of driveway. “Thanks,” I told him in a hushed tone.

“You’re not gunna get shy with me again, are ya?” Kellin teased as he stuck my mix tape of Nirvana into the player.

A small grin tugging at the corners of my mouth, I listened to the amazing lyrics of absolute heaven drift through the car. “No,” I whispered.

“Good, ‘cause you certainly weren’t shy the other night,” he winked, bobbing his head to the music and poking my side playfully. “LOAD UP ON GUNS AND BRING YOUR FRIENDS!” He shouted with enthusiasm. “IT’S FUN TO LOSE AND TO PRETEND!”

“Shuddup,” I shoved him with a giggle. “Plus, you’re not supposed to scream the lyrics, smart one.”

“I don’t care. This song is my JAM, ‘kay?” Kellin grinned, watching me grip the steering wheel tightly. The car cruised out of the city and towards the country roads. I rolled down the windows, the smoky air filling our lungs. The sun was setting far ahead, melting the sky with breathtaking colors of purple and pink. Kellin’s raven hair whipped around his face gracefully and he was looking down at the numerous tapes in his lap. His eyebrows knitted together and his bottom lip jutted out slightly as he studied each one. He then changed the tapes from Nirvana to Lenny Kravitz. “I freaking love your music taste, I mean damn,” he smirked up at me as Fly Away blasted from my speakers. I returned his smile while keeping my eyes on the road. “I want to get away, I want to fly awayyyyy. Yeah, yeah, yeahhhhhh,” Kellin sang lazily.

As the song ended, I was already pulling into an abandoned field that had a little dirt path, big enough for my Ford Mustang SVT Cobra to rumble down. I slowly edged the car up a medium-sized hill, which was a popular spot for teenagers with cars. Either couples came to make out, smoke weed, and have sex, or kids like me came to listen to music, sit on the hood of the car, and just get lost in our own fucked up thoughts.

I parked the car at the edge of the hill, smiling to myself that we were the only ones here. I left the music on, taking in the masterpiece of art the sun displayed before us. Kellin pulled that tape out and replaced it again with his Smashing Pumpkins mix. 1979 began to pour into the car, and I tried my hardest not to blush when I felt Kellin’s hand place itself on top of mine. “I don't even care to shake these zipper blues,” he sang softly as his fingertips traced the green vein under my skin. “And we don't know just where our bones will rest. To dust I guess; forgotten and absorbed to the earth below.” Kellin then laced our fingers together, causing goosebumps to flare up on my arms. I turned to look at him, and he was looking right back at me with his blue eyes, which seemed to shine with a little bit of green in the sunlight. “Vic, I wanna ask you something... something could never find the right time for. Of course I’m not gunna ask you at Connections, with those eavesdropping bastards,” he chuckled, squeezing my hand now and then.

I nodded slowly, knowing good and well what was going to come out of pale lips. Kellin looked down at our intertwined hands before his eyes flickered back up to me. “Vic... why are you in that class?” He whispered. I turned away to look out my window, feeling the soft wind kiss my cheek. I heard him sigh, then he changed the tapes again. I swear, he could not stay satisfied with the music playing, but the constant change kept me guessing; wondering what he was going to pick next. Next came R.E.M. and Losing My Religion floated into my ears.

Kellin sighed again, giving up on me. I thought we just sit there and listen to music, but that wasn’t the case; at all. “My dad left us about a month ago,” he told me quietly. I turned to see him still gazing at our clasped hands. “I just came home one day and all his stuff was gone... and now my Mom barely comes out of her room and I-I... I dunno how to explain it. I don’t... eat, I guess you can say. I don’t eat in hopes th-that... well, really in hopes that my Dad will come back. With every pound I lose, he gets a little bit closer.” His eyes came to meet mine, and even though they were filled with hurt and pain, there weren’t any tears. He must’ve spent countless nights alone in his bedroom with tears just rushing from his eyes. He was all drained out.

His white teeth sunk down into his bottom lip as he stared at me. I nodded slowly, accepting his information. “I’m not gunna say ‘I’m sorry’,” I whispered. “‘Cause you’ve probably heard that a million fucking times. But, I feel sorry for your dad, ‘cause he’s missin’ out on a great life.”

I looked down nervously, afraid he wasn’t going to like my “words of sympathy”. I carefully snatched another cassette from the space between us, pulled out the Smashing Pumpkins mix, and put in my PM Dawn and Fugees mix. Set Adrift on Memory Bliss by PM Dawn drifted out the windows.

It was then that I felt Kellin’s fingers brush my short hair behind my ear, and then he brought his soft lips to my cheek, pecking me lightly in a silent thank-you. I blushed madly, averting my gaze once again as he squeezed my fingers in our hands. His palm pressed up against mine, transferring heat and innocence into me.

“I, uh, I came home from school one day just... completely fed up with everything,” I stammered. “So I locked myself inside the bathroom an-and... no one was home, no one was around. I didn’t want to wait any longer... It was my only solution, I mean... I-I-” I choked, feeling the tears prick at my eyes. Blinking furiously, I heard Kellin shush me softly, his thumb grazing my knuckles.

“Sshh, you don’t have to tell me today. I’m sorry I asked Vic. Don’t cry, sweetheart,” he whispered in my ear then rested his head on my shoulder. Sniffling, I watched his free hand snake out and replace the cassette with my Cranberries mix. Linger began to play, and I felt Kellin shift to look at me. Brave enough for me of course, I met his gaze. I stared into his stormy eyes, and I could feel him getting closer and closer, and soon enough his hot breath was hitting my lips once again. “Vic,” he whimpered, our noses touching.

“Yes?” I whispered, closing my eyes when I saw him do the same.

“Can we repeat what we did the other night?” Kellin asked me politely. He smelled like mint and vanilla. Girlish but still Kellin.

I responded by lightly pressing my lips to his, and he took my other free hand and linked our fingers. He was soft with me for a couple seconds, but then I felt him kiss me back harshly. He released one of my hands and cupped my cheek, grazing my smooth skin with his fingertips. He then glided his tongue over my bottom lip, silently asking me for permission for entrance which I granted slowly. Our tongues sloshed around together, never with domination, but with meaning. I felt my pants tighten and my skin pull on my bones as his wet tongue collided with mine. Before I knew it, he had climbed over me, and he was straddling my waist in the driver’s seat. I involuntarily moaned in his mouth when he parted his lips for breath.

His fingers tangled in my hair, bringing me back to him. Our teeth clashed a couple of times, but fuck, I was too turned on to give two shits.

Kellin then removed his mouth from mine and moved down, leaving soft kisses across my jawline and down my neck. I shivered carelessly, my fingers gripping his skinny arms as I threw my head back for more access. His lips fluttered down my skin, and it was making my pants unbelievably tight; so tight that the pressure was almost painful. Sinful moans escaped my mouth and trailed into the air as Kellin nipped and sucked at the spot just above my collarbone. His hands then proceeded to grab my hips, and he began to roll his waist down on mine. The most unimaginable pleasure sent my heart racing at the feel of the friction between our jeans. I grabbed his thighs strongly and held on as he worked wonders. His hands clutched my waist too tightly, and I wouldn’t be surprised to find bruises there the next morning. “K-Kels,” I groaned, letting the nickname slip and squeezing my eyes shut.

“W-what did you just call me?” Kellin asked with a shaky sigh and a smile.

“I-I... I’m sorry,” I whimpered while he continued to grind down on me.

“No, no,” he reassured me with a moan. “I like it... keep goin’ baby. Say my name.”

I whispered his name to his neck, smiling devilishly yet weakly when I felt him shudder above me.

I felt his hands flutter up to my neck again, where his shaking fingers played with the first button on my red flannel, slowly making his way down as he unbuttoned my shirt. Suddenly, my heart jumped up to my throat and my nerves were sent on a high rampage. “N-No!” I whispered harshly, my hands finding his chest. I shoved him lightly and Kellin’s head snapped up to meet me. He was panting heavily, his bulge very noticeable in his overly tight jeans. I blushed, trying to look anywhere but his fucking crotch.

“Vic, what’s wrong?” Kellin managed, running his fingers through the blue flair in his hair. “Was it something I did?” I shook my head quickly, shoving him softly again so he could get the hint that I wanted him off my thighs. He furrowed his eyebrows and slid back into the passenger seat, adjusting his shirt and grabbing uncomfortably at his bulge. “I’m sorry,” he breathed quickly, twiddling his thumbs.

“It’s fine,” I whispered, shoving the buttons on my shirt back in their holes. “It’s fine, really.”

“Was it something I did? Did I make you uncomfortable? Was I moving too fa-”

“Kels,” I turned to look at him with a weak smile on my lips. He stared back with big, worried eyes and burning cheeks. “Don’t worry about it... It’s fine.”

Little did he know that everything’s not fine... At all.