I'll Make You Feel Beautiful Once Again

About an hour later, I sat at one of the long tables in the cafeteria, in between Jesse and Mike, with Jaime and Tony across from me. At the table behind us, Austin, Hayley, and Jenna shoved their food around their plates and into their mouths slowly while talking quietly, probably about Vic’s outburst. Gerard and Matty sat at the table in front of us. Matty, who was obviously tripping over his words, was talking to Gerard. Gerard sat with his arms crossed and his eyes darting everywhere around the room besides the person who was sitting next to him. Andy sat by himself at the table in the far corner, and he was pushing his food around the tray, creating a disgusting mess by smashing his peas with the palms of his hands. Lastly, Oliver was sitting at the same table as Andy, but just on the other end. He had his arm sprawled out on the table with his head resting on it as a pillow. A silver fork was in his other hand, and he kept on dragging it across the table slowly. His lips dipped in a frown, and he stared off into the space in front of him; looking but not really seeing.

Vic was nowhere to be found, and I was starting to get worried. I folded and unfolded my hands in my lap over and over again. I picked up my fork and pushed my food around, cutting it into small pieces then pushing it around some more. I ran my fingers through my short hair multiple times. I did anything to keep myself moving, so I didn’t have to think about Vic or turn my head towards the door, hoping to see him walking through it.

Mr.Williams suddenly walked into the room with a clipboard in his clawed hands. We all turned to look at him, wondering who was his victim. His shoes clicked along the tile floor as he approached our table, and my fork hung in mid-air when he leaned down to face me. “Kellin,” he breathed on me, smelling like cigars and peppermint. “You’ll get points if you eat that,” he told me quietly so no one else would hear. I gulped and used my utensil to shove the peas in circles.

“I know,” I snapped half-heartedly. The other week, Mr.Williams had explained to us that we would receive points if we did something that would help us “get better”. And in my case, it was eating. Every week, I had a goal of 20 points, two points every day for the three meals I was supposed to eat, and I also earned one bonus point if I ate an extra meal. I hated the system, because the old man bribed me with gifts; such as a half of a letter grade added to my progress report if I earned 15 points, of even being able get out of the overnight facility to make a visit to the diner or library across the street for 30. None of that ever sounded appealing to me, plus, I never wanted to eat anyways. So really, Mr.Williams was just wasting his time with me, because there was no way in hell I was going to earn any points today, tomorrow, or ever.

“Kid, you’re only hurting yourself, you know?” He sighed, obviously tired with my stubbornness. Gnawing at my lower lip, I stared at him for a couple seconds, trying to block out everyone else who was around me. I could feel their eyes on me as well, especially Jesse and Mike. Jaime was too busy making a snowman out of his mashed potatoes, and I don’t think Tony has looked up from his folded hands the whole time we were down here. I switched from the food on my tray to Mr.Williams before stabbing a single pea with my fork and lifting it up to my mouth. The little, green vegetable seemed so huge to me, like if I put it in my mouth, I would choke on it until I died and everyone wouldn’t have to deal with me anymore. Grimacing and forcing myself not to gag, I bit down on my fork and dragged my teeth, carrying the pea with. Without chewing, I swallowed the fucker and held onto stomach tightly, trying to keep it down. I hung my head and stared at my knees which were exposed from my distressed jeans. “Keep it up and you’ll get those points, ‘kay?” Mr.Williams whispered to me before moving over to Oliver with his clipboard ready.

“Hey Kellin?” Jesse called to me rather loudly. He dug his fingers into my waist and repeated my name until I would respond.

“What?” I snapped, turning to look at him. His long, red hair fell down his shoulders like he forgot to comb it, and he smiled at me with his crooked teeth and cigarette breath.

“Good job,” he smiled and gave me a thumbs up before turning back to his food. “Hey Himes? Want my potatoes so you can make your snowman bigger?”

“Yeah!” Jaime smiled at him and stuck out his tray and Jesse spooned the potatoes into a pile next to snowman. Jaime then took his fork and scooped up the mashed substance and sling-shotted it at the snowman’s base. When the bottom half was fatter, he took the remaining potatoes and made a little lawn for his creation to sit on, then stole Tony’s unused spoon and made a small irrigation system around the man. Slowly and carefully, Jaime scooped some gravy into the ditch. After the snowman was swimming in the thick liquid, Jaime stuck some peas on his head to make him smile, and on his abdomen for buttons.

“What should we name it?” Jesse asked us enthusiastically.

“Victor, since he couldn’t have dinner with us,” Tony suddenly spoke up.

“That’s good idea, Turtle,” Jaime grinned happily at him. Mike laughed loudly and poked his fishsticks into the sides of Victor for arms. Tony nodded modestly before hanging his head again and staring at his folded hands which sat in his lap. “Yay, he is complete!!” Jaime giggled loudly. I rested my head on the table and clutched my stomach a little tighter, trying to ignore my stomach who was pleading for more food. As much as I wanted to enjoy this little Arts and Crafts session, I couldn’t get my mind off of the untouched food in front of me, and the look Vic gave me when we were sitting in his car listening to R.E.M. and I told him why I was taking this class. Something inside of me wanted to eat the food, knowing that he would be proud of me. Yet the other part of me told me to shut the fuck up and deal with the hunger, because no one as perfect as Vic would ever love someone as fat as me.

After about five minutes of contemplating, I stood up from my chair and walked over to the trash can. I tipped my tray to the side and watched as the food plopped into the bin. When I looked up, I locked eyes with Oliver, who was standing at the trashcan as well. I didn’t even notice him walk over here, let alone stare at me as I emptied my tray with guilt. He looked at me accusingly, making me very uncomfortable but I couldn’t bring myself to walk away. He shifted his weight and scratched at some healing scabs on his arms. He opened his mouth, as if he wanted to say something; but quickly bit down on his lower lip and shook his head. Oliver smirked at me before turning on his heel and sauntering back over to his table. Rolling my eyes, I took one last look at the food in the trash before heading to the bathroom for the second time today. I already knew when I woke up this morning that I wasn’t going to earn any points, so why is everyone expecting me to do something I sure as hell wasn’t going to try to accomplish? This is only my second week in this class, and I already hate it with a burning passion. I’d rather be crazy for the rest of my life instead of failing at getting any better.

Little did I know that I was already getting better, and it wasn’t the class, or even Mr.Williams who was helping me take that extra step.