I'll Make You Feel Beautiful Once Again

My bare feet padded along the squeaky tile floor when I entered the bathroom, and I ducked under each stall to check if anyone was there. I wasn’t surprised to find that I was the only one here, judging that I didn’t make it out of Mr.Williams’ office until about twenty minutes ago. I didn’t really know how long I sat in his office, but he ended up bringing me dinner before we finished. He told me to “cut it with the bullshit” and tell him what was going on inside my fucked up brain. The problem was that I couldn’t. I refused each time, then he decided to hand me several pieces of paper and a pen. “Beau and Jenna are right, if you don’t say something, you’ll fail. So write it down, draw a picture, I don’t give a fuck. Just tell me something so I don’t have to fail you.” So, under his watchful, lazy eye, I wrote down everything. And when I say everything, I mean everything. I was hesitant about some details, but I ended up scrawling them across the paper in ink anyways. I even wrote down what happened with Kellin at Make Out Hill, and then what happened later on with Mike when I got home. He didn’t read it right away after I was done, he just tucked it into my file and told me he’d read it later. Something about writing down my feelings was different from actually saying it to everyone else. I didn't feel the pressure of a thousand eyes, and I didn't feel the anxiety of someone judging me the moment I formed a sentence and spoke it. While writing, I could just let my mind wander and my pen would easily scratch along the paper.

So now I was sliding the plastic shower curtain behind me, feeling almost relieved that I got all of my heavy burdens off my chest. The weight of the world fell off my shoulders and it felt easier to breathe. As I turned the nozzle all the way to hot, I let the water race down my back and hit my face. I sighed contently and stood there under the showerhead for what seemed like forever, realizing how tired I actually was. Even though all I did today was go to group therapy, I still cried for hours on end and then sat in Mr.Williams’ stuffy office for what seemed like eternity.

I was somewhat thankful for the huge bathroom we all shared, lined with toilets, either urinels or stalls, and multiple showerheads blocked off by sheer curtains. The bathrooms in the dorms only had a sink and a toilet, and I don't think I could face Kellin right now. I was embarrassed that I decided to lash out on everyone unexpectedly, and I was still a little shaken up about what he did in the car the other night.

I stared down at the exposed cuts on my arms and stomach. Scabs caved over them, telling me that I was healing but would still be covered in scars. I was so disappointed in myself, I mean, why did I have to turn to this whenever things got bad? Why couldn't I do something different?

I knew the answer but I couldn't force myself to accept it. I knew I couldn't make myself give it up, even if had Mike flushed my blade down the toilet. I still had extra ones hidden in my backpack. It was just that... I needed it. I craved it. I loved it. It was something that could get me through anything. It was my only friend but my own worst enemy.

"Today is gunna be the day that they're gunna throw it back to you," I sang sadly while squirting some soap into my hand. I lathered the soap in my hands before digging my fingers through my hair. "By now you should've some how realized what you gotta do. I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now."

"The feeling's mutual Vicky," a voice suddenly called out to me. Yelping, I jumped about a million feet into the air, and immediately covered my, um, junk.

"Dude! What the fuck?! Get out of here!" I shrieked.

"Oui, calm down. It's just me, mate," Oliver chuckled from the other side of the semi-see-through curtain. "Can I come in?"

"No! What the hell Oli!? I'm taking a shower!" I whined.

"I know that," he retorted sarcastically. "Come on, Victor. I've seen it all before." Without my permission, Oliver slipped behind the curtain and smirked at me coolly. He stood with his his small frame away from the beating water so he wouldn't get drenched. I stared at him with wide eyes and soap dripping down my forehead. "Here," he whispered, toying with his shirt before yanking it over his head. I took a quick look at his arms and torso, tears pricking at my eyes at the sight of the numerous scars that scattered his skin vertically and horizontally. Some were a ghostly white, and others, where he dug deep, were a faded brown. A patch of cuts which were red and swollen looked quite fresh close to his wrist. "I've got the same thing, see? Now you won't feel so alone, right mate?" I nodded sadly and hung my head, spitting out the soap and water that managed to get into my mouth. "Go ahead and finish up, I'm not watching. I just want to have a little chat." I trusted Oli, so I turned so my back was facing him and proceeded to wash my hair. A few minutes passed in silence as I scrubbed my whole body, occasionally sneaking a glance back at Oli who had his back pressed up against the tile with his eyes closed.

"Victor, are you okay?" Oli suddenly whispered, his eyes still shut.

I squeezed my eyelids tight over my vision and scrunched my face and turned the nozzle under the shower head down all the way to hot. The water burned my skin and changed into vapor around us. My skin flamed a red color over my dark complexion from the heat, and I glanced over at Oli who had sweat beading on his forehead and neck. "Uh... y-yeah. I'm fine," I choked.

"You don't sound very convincing," he laughed softly. "I'm sorry about what happened at group today."

"Why are you sorry?" I asked, turning the water off and wrapping my fluffy towel around my waist. "Oh, and you can open your eyes now."

"'Cause! That wanker Beau," his eyes flying open in disbelief and pouting while crossing his skinny arms. "He was being an arsehole." I laughed half-heartedly and twiddled my thumbs nervously.

"Don't apologize Oli," I told him with a sad smile. "It wasn't your fault, it's mine. I'm the one who flipped his shit, you know?"

"Okayyy," he laughed finally. "Oh, and by the way, what's up with you and your boyfriend Kelsy?"

I gulped and stared down at my toes. "Nothing, and he's not my boyfriend," I mumbled.

"Rubbish, Victor. Liar, liar, pants for hire," Oliver giggled while clutching his stomach.

"It's pants on fire, smart one," I shot back, rolling my eyes.

"Whatever," he scoffed with a grin. "But I can tell something's up. You two sat on either sides of the circle today and normally you're practically fucking each other in the same chair."

"Fuck off, Oli," I laughed. "That's not true!"

"I'm just messing with you." Oliver chuckled, waving me off. "But no, I'm serious. What happened between you two?"

I sighed, hanging my head and trying not to meet his gaze. "I don't really know how to explain it... It's hard to explain."

"Well, we've got about a half hour until lights off, and I'm all ears. And Victor, come on, you can tell me anything and I won't judge," he told me with a sincere smile.

"Well," I sighed, rubbing my forehead with my fingers. "First off, lemme change onto some clothes. It's kinda awkward standing here almost naked, you know?"

"Agreed," Oliver laughed as he followed me back into the room behind the showers where little cubbies hung on the wall with benches and hooks under them. A nice row of mirrors lined the back wall too.

"Close your eyes," I told him before letting my towel drop to the floor. He did what he was told after plopping down on one of the wooden benches. I slipped on my boxers and my highschool sweatshirt. "Okay," I said while running a comb through my wet hair.

"So what happened?" Oliver pressed.

"I dunno... it all happened so quickly, I just freaked out."

"Oh my God, he took your virginity, didn't he?"

"No! Definitely not," I cried.

"Then what the hell happened?"

I sat down on the bench next to him and stared at my toes again. "Well... we kissed-"

"I fucking knew i-"

"But then he tried to take my shirt off," I quickly interrupted him, seeing his smile fade when I looked at him with sad eyes. Gnawing on my lower lip, I watching him furrow his eyebrows together and pout.

"But, didn't you want him to? You like him, right?" He wondered.

"Yeah," I confessed. "It's just that I don't want him to see my, uh... my scars."

Oliver smiled sadly and patted my back with his big hand. "I don't think you need to worry about that, mate. Kellin's a nice guy... and I've seen the way he looks at you. He thinks you're beautiful."

“But, I’m not,” I frowned and picked at a loose string on my boxers.

“Well, it seems like you’re the only who thinks that. Blimey, everyone knows you’re one of the most good-looking guys in the room... so why can’t you see that?” Oliver asked me, knitting his eyebrows together. I shrugged my shoulders sadly, not really knowing what to say next. He smirked at me before rising from the bench and stretching. “Well, I’m gunna go to bed. Fuck, I’m tireddd. And you should do the same, mate. Besides, Kellin’s probably waiting up for you, and he’ll do a better job at convincing you than I did. I’m just a pissed-off guy who doesn’t know what he’s talking about most of the time.”

Having the last word, Oliver yawned and shuffled out of the bathroom, leaving me alone and confused. I gathered all of my things and headed for the door. My heart raced in my chest and my blood was pumping so fast in my veins that I could hear it in my ears. I don’t know why I was so nervous, I mean, I’ve talked to Kellin before. It shouldn’t be that hard to talk to him tonight, right?

I walked into the hallway to find it empty, and as I made my way down the corridors towards Kellin and I’s room, I could hear everyone’s laughter or music coming from their rooms, and a warm light spilled from the under the crack of every door. Too soon for my liking, I met our door and it was cracked ajar slightly for me so I wouldn’t get stranded in the hallway. Taking in a deep breath, a nudged the door open with my foot and slipped in quietly.

Kellin was sitting on my bed, with his socked feet propped up on the mattress and his arms wrapped around his legs. His chin rested on the skin poking out of the distress on his knees, and his teeth sunk down into his swollen lip.When our eyes met, he rose from my bed and scratched the back of his head. “Are you okay, Vic?” His big blue eyes stared at me without blinking, and he twiddled his thumbs nervously.

“Yeah,” I smiled at him reassuringly. “I’m fine... I just needed to get some things off my chest, you know?”

“Yeah, yeah,” he said, returning the smile. “I was just... worried about you, that’s all.”

Blushing, I hung my head and shoved my things into my bag. “There’s nothing to worry about.”

“But, I want to worry. I can’t help it when I worry about you,” he confessed quietly. I left my bag on the floor and looked up at him, confused as to why he would ever worry, let alone care, about me. I wasn’t worth it; I didn’t deserve his sympathy. “Can I talk to you about something?” Kellin suddenly asked me, snapping me out of my thoughts. I nodded and joined him on my bed, crossing my legs and making sure I was a comfortable distance away from him. He tugged at the blue in his hair and stared at the blanket under us. Minutes passed before he finally opened his mouth. “I’m sorry,” he blurted.

“Kellin, you’ve already apologized to me about a million ti-”

“I don’t care because I still don’t think you believe me yet,” he cut me off. Kellin sighed and scooted closer to me, noticing that I flinched when he shifted. “Look, I’m really sorry for what I did... I didn’t think you’d freak out like that.” I turned my head so that I was looking at the wall next to door and rolled my eyes. I bit down on my bottom lip and reached for my rubber band, but before I could yank it and make it slap back down against my skin, his long fingers wrapped themselves around my wrist, stopping me dead in my tracks. I stared at him like a deer caught in headlights with my mouth hanging open in disbelief. “I don’t exactly know why you’re so sad, Vic, and I haven’t figured it out yet but... you don’t have to hide things from me,” Kellin whispered. “I know you tell Oli things... and I know we had something good started, so why do you shut me out?”

I shook my head, scared for the tears that threatened to spill. I didn’t want to cry in front of him. I really didn’t want to show any type of emotion to him that would show how weak and depressed I actually was. I wish that I was back home, in the bathroom with the the door locked so I could suffer in silence by myself. However, Kellin was sitting next to me right now, daring me to break down the walls that I built around myself. I wanted to fall so in love with him and no one else could ever mean half as much as he did now, but my demons were telling me otherwise.

“Vic, c’mon,” Kellin whispered. His free hand found my jawline, where his soft fingertips grazed my cheek. Forcing me to look at him, I choked back the tears that stung in my eyes and he smiled sadly, knowing that he had won. “You’re beautiful... why do you want to hide that?” I let out a shaky sigh, blinking furiously so I wouldn’t start sobbing all over him like an idiot. I mumbled to him that I didn’t know, barely loud enough for him to hear. He nodded acceptingly and brought my face closer to his with just his fingers. His other hand was still around my wrist, grazing the bone that jutted out with his thumb. Before I could really object to any type of contact from him, his pressed his lips to my cheek, pecking me softly. “I’ll you help you find out, okay? I’ll do whatever it takes...”