I'll Make You Feel Beautiful Once Again

I sat at the middle table with a tray in front of me. I picked up the bagel and slowly spread some cream cheese along the top, trying to ignore Jesse who was poking his fingers into my side. Kellin sat on my other side with his arms crossed, and he was staring at his food as if it would disappear if he squinted at the items long enough. Jaime and Tony sat across from us, and Jaime was trying to stack his food like a triangle. “I wanna make a ‘food pyramid’,” he giggled childishly. When an apple would topple over the tip of the structure, Tony was quick to catch it before it fell to the floor which held I don’t know how many germs. He would hand back the fruit to Jaime, who looked at him like he was his savior, or like he was Jesus or something.

Shaking my head, I turned to look at Mike, who sitting next to Tony with his head on the table, snoring rather loudly. His bleached hair was matted against his head with his mouth hanging open, and he was still wearing his Harry Potter pajama pants I got him for Christmas last year. Mr.Williams came to unlock our doors at nine this morning, so I wasn’t surprised that he passed out as soon as he dragged his ass out of bed over to the cafeteria.

When I woke up this morning, I was really tired. But it wasn’t that type of tired someone gets when they go to bed at 4 in the morning to wake up at 6 for school. For me, it was as if I went to bed at a reasonable time and slept for a good twelve hours, but even that couldn’t revive me. After Kellin had confronted me about my little “issue”, all of the weight that was nonexistent earlier came crashing back down on me. I didn’t want to talk to him about my problems, even though I had just technically talked with Mr.Williams for a couple hours. I felt annoying and clingy, and I felt like I was feeding him a sob story that he never wanted to hear. Kellin has his own problems, that was obvious; why would he need to hear mine? So when I pushed him away and gave him a million fake smiles, I closed my eyes and saw nothing. And that’s the worse way to wake up: with nothing to go back to. I was tired, and all I wanted was to go to sleep without any regrets or depressing scenarios that would keep me up longer than I needed.

Kellin suddenly let out a shaky sigh, only loud enough for me to hear. I continued to chew on my bagel, and looked at him with concern in my eyes. “Kewin, you okay?”

“Don’t talk with your mouth full, idiot,” he winked at me, his arms still crossed stubbornly.

Swallowing, I rolled my eyes at him before leaning in, just in case he didn’t want the others to hear us. “What’s wrong?” I asked quietly and he stared at me with his big, blue eyes, shooting me an “are you serious” look. He huffed an annoyed gust of air and slumped lower into his chair. “Kellin, c’mon. You can do it... and you’ll get points, which is good. It’ll also make you feel better; I’m sure you’re hungry. Last night, your stomach would not shut the fuck up,” I laughed half-heartedly.

Kellin giggled at me, his nose scrunching up and his eyes crinkling. “Did my stomach really keep you up?”

“Yeah,” I smiled weakly. “It was the loudest thing ever... but I’m serious, you’re not getting out of this,” I scolded him quietly. “You need to eat something, Kellin.”

“Vic, look! Look at my food pyramid,” Jaime suddenly called out to me. When I turned over to look at him, he spread out his arms dramatically. He smiled enthusiastically and wiggled his eyebrows. A couple bagels sat on the tray as a base, holding up about three stacks of the mini-boxes of cereal they fed us. Apples sat on top of the boxes, wobbling and threatening to fall at any given second. A single half bagel with forks stabbed into the cream cheese lay on top of the apples decoratively.

“That’s uh,” I smiled, trying to figure out why he did this instead of eating the food. “That’s very impressive, Himes,” I told him. He smiled warmly, his eyes sparkling in happiness. Jaime turned to look at Tony, and surprisingly for the first time since I’ve met him, a small grin pulled at the sides of Tony’s lips, showing off his white teeth and laughing lines. His brown eyes squinted and his chubby cheeks stretched. My heart thudded in my chest as I watched them, and something deep inside of me almost felt bad for them. Even though they were probably plagued with sadness for 23 hours of the day, especially Tony, they still kept that one hour to show one another that they cared. But that one hour would never be enough, because they still had 23 fucking hours left to frown.

Tearing my eyes away after the smile dipped back down on Tony’s face, I looked at Kellin who had been watching them too. And with a sudden wave of courage, he picked up the red apple which had been sitting on his tray for more than twenty minutes. He fiddled with it in his hands, turning it around with his fingers for a couple seconds. He twirled the stem until it snapped off, and he peeled the label sticker off slowly. I watched him closely as he brought his lips up to the skin, and opened his mouth. With his shoulders tensed up and his feet patting rapidly on the tiled floor, he sunk his white teeth into the apple. The crunch felt like it echoed throughout the room, and Kellin closed his eyes and began to chew the small amount of fruit he managed to bite into. His chest heaved rapidly and his fingers shook around the apple. Finally, he swallowed, the gulp obviously audible next to me. After opening his eyes to look at me, he let out a shaky sigh and his eyes burned red without any tears. I smiled at him and urged him on, willing him to finish his apple. I wanted Kellin to get better, and I wanted him to get those points. I’ve only known him for two weeks now, but I cared about him a little bit too much. I didn’t want him to suffer in silence like I did, and I didn’t want him to walk around all day with an empty stomach, practically withering away.

I watched him carefully until he set down the apple core on his tray. “I’ll put our trays up,” I told him with a proud smile, and took our trays over to the trashcan. Oli was sitting at the table closest to the bin, and he smirked at me and wiggled his fingers. Before we had come to the cafeteria, I had stopped Oli in the hall, and invited him to sit with us. The smirk that was pulling at his lips instantly faded. “Nobody really likes me that much, so I would just intrude,” he whispered to me, shaking his head and declining my offer. My gut lurched slightly when he told me this, and I tried my best to smile. “But I like you,” I had told him. “And that’s all that matters,” he ended the conversation with a smirk and small pat on my shoulder and sauntered off by himself. I set the plastic trays on the cart and waved at him happily. Something inside of me was hinting that Oli was afraid to sit next to us, or that he didn’t know how to interact with anyone else other than me. He seemed perfectly fine when he was with me, but when someone else even came within fifty feet of him, he would trail his eyes to the floor and flinch at any type of contact. That was something about Oli that I could never figure out, and I had a feeling I never would.

When I returned to Kellin, he had his head resting on the table like Mike, and he was clutching his stomach as if it would explode at any second. Shit...

“Kellin?” I whispered to him maybe I little bit too loudly, catching the attention of Jaime and Jesse. “Are you okay?”

“Please, just um,” Kellin managed. “Take me to the bathroom, Vic?”

Without a second thought, I carefully wrapped my arms around his skinny frame and helped him up. I ignored Jaime and Jesse’s calls, and swiftly led him out of the cafeteria and towards the bathroom. On my way out, I grabbed a couple paper towels and a bottle of water for Kellin. “Hold on Kellin, we’re almost there,” I told him as I rushed down the hallway and around corners. After a few seconds, I kicked the bathroom door open with my foot lightly, since my arms were kept around Kellin securely. I brought him into the first stall, and he immediately dropped to his knees, leaning over the toilet bowl and heaving. “Kellin,” I frowned, resting my hand on his back and rubbing circles for comfort. “If you puke, you won’t get the points.”

Looking down at him, I noticed that he was sobbing under me. Tears spilled down his rosy cheeks, and his face twisted in pain. “I kn-know,” he managed. “I’m not used to the feeling yet.”

“Okay,” I choked. “Just hold it in, you can do it. You’ll get the points and I’ll be so proud of you.” He turned to look at me sadly, and it just broke my heart to see him so weak over a toilet. His eyes were red and swollen, and I gnawed down on my bottom lip when a small grin came across his face.

“You’ll be proud?” Kellin whispered. I nodded my head slowly, afraid of what was supposed to come next. “No one has ever really been proud of me in such a long time.” And with that last sentence, he leaned over the toilet and his shoulders shot up to his ear. A loud, choking sound elicited from Kellin as he emptied his breakfast into the bleached bowl. I scrunched my nose up at the smell, but I still rubbed small circles on his back and hushed him in the best way I could. When he was done, I handed him the water bottle which I already opened for him, and a couple paper towels to wipe his face. Tears spilled down his face and his fingers shook slightly as he wrapped his fingers around the plastic bottle. “I-I... I’m sorry,” he sputtered.

“It’s okay,” I told him quietly, not having the guts to force a smile. I opened my mouth again, prepared to give him this miraculous speech, but was quickly interrupted by the bathroom door being pushed open. By the sound of the click of his shoes and the wheezing, I could tell it was the old man before he even made it to our stall which we were kneeling in.

“C’mon Kellin,” he beckoned to the taller boy with his handy clipboard. Kellin reluctantly stood up from the floor, and his knees buckled almost, but he was fast to regain his position on his feet. He sipped at the water warily as he walked out of the bathroom with Mr.Williams, leaving me alone and confused. It didn’t take long for one of Mr.Williams’ assistants to pick me up from the floor as well, smelling of perfume and cigarettes. She had short, red hair the fell on her shoulders, and she was slightly overweight. She led me back to my room, and on the way down the hallway, I noticed everyone else were slipping into their rooms.

“Group will be delayed for about an hour,” she told me but I wasn’t really paying attention. “You are to stay in your room until Mr.Williams or I come back to unlock the door, ‘kay?” I only hummed in response as I entered our room alone. The door clicked behind me while I sauntered over and sat on my made bed. I stared across at Kellin’s, whose bed sheets were falling on the floor with the pillow hanging off the side of the frame. I sighed and pulled my cassette player and my headphones from my bag. Shoving in my Red Hot Chili Peppers mix, Scar Tissue began to flow out of speakers, and I stretched to lay back onto my bed. I stared up at the ceiling sadly, playing back the most recent events I had to drag myself through. Even though Kellin lost his points, when he walked back into our room, I would tell I was proud anyways. Because I was, I mean don’t get me wrong, I was just happy that he tried. I wasn’t going to disown him just because he failed once at trying to get better. It was just like what Mike had told me last week, “You’re gunna have to go through some pain to get to happiness.”

About thirty minutes later, our door clicked, and two shadows lingered in the doorway. Sitting up, I pushed my hair out of my face and hung my earphones on my neck. Kellin shuffled into the room, and his eyes were puffy and bloodshot. “Hey, Kellin,” I smiled weakly.

“Hi, Vic,” he whispered with a small grin. Before I could even open my mouth and say something, he rushed past me towards the bathroom. I heard the water run, and the cleansing sound of his toothbrush practically withering down his teeth. Minutes later, he came back into the room and he sat down across from me. He crossed his legs, his knees protruding out of the distress like normal. His pressed his arm to mine, and I could feel the heat running up my neck and to my cheeks. We sat in silence for a few seconds, just breathing in the oxygen floating around us and trying not to say anything stupid.

“Are you okay?” I finally asked, all of ,my previous promises of comfort disappearing. I turned my head slightly so that I could face him, but our arms were still pressed together.

He gave me a weak smile, nodding his head slowly and pulling at the blue flair next to his forehead. “Yeah, yeah... I’m sorry if I scared you away or...”

“Oh, no,” I smiled at him, hanging my head and twiddling the cassette player in my hands. “You didn’t scare me away at all.”

“Okay, that’s good,” he said shoving me softly with his shoulder. “I don’t always do that, ya know? Like spew my cookies...”

“Really?” I laughed sarcastically. “Well, that’s a relief.”

“Oh, shuddup,” he giggled. As our laughter died down, I turned to look at him again, and I found him staring right back with his stormy eyes. To me, those eyes could tell you anything that his mouth couldn’t. So really, I wasn’t surprised when he pressed his soft lips to mine. I puckered my lips so that our mouths meshed together desperately. His fingers tangled into my hair, and I cupped his elbow gently but securely. I couldn’t help but flutter my eyes closed and melt into the kiss. It was almost as if it was something I needed daily, but just realized it. I knew I felt something missing every morning I woke up and every night when I climbed back into bed. Yet, I couldn’t find myself doing this every day. I found myself doubting if his feelings were real, or if this was just a game to him. So when his teeth captured my bottom lip, I refused to grant him access and I pushed away softly with a sincere smile. “Too far?” Kellin questioned, gnawing at his swollen lip and running a few fingers through his hair. I nodded silently, staring at my shoes again.

“I’m s-sorry,” I choked, trying to regulate my breathing.

“It’s okay, Vic,” he said holding up his hands. “It’s my fault, I shouldn’t have pushed you that far.”

“No, no,” I pressed, squeezing my eyes shut. “It’s fine, I just have to get used to it, I guess?” Kellin nodded and pressed his lips into a thin line. His skeleton hand then reached out hesitantly, silently hinting to me. Without making eye contact, I gave him my hand, and I almost sighed as the goosebumps ran up my arms when he wove our fingers together. “Just give me some time, okay?”