I'll Make You Feel Beautiful Once Again

About an hour later, Oli was safe back into his room after I had given him one last hug, and Kellin and I were trying to fall asleep again. I couldn’t though, and that was the problem. I lay on my back with my head on my pillow, staring up at the ceiling. The ceiling, just like the walls, was white, and there was a single cobweb here and there. If I stared long enough at the patterns above me, the ceiling would start to spin and tiny dots of electricity would flash over my vision, and my eyes would beg me to shut off my sight and sleep instead. Blinking rapidly, I tried to get Oli’s words out of my head. Did he really mean that? Or was it the whole anger issue thing fucking with him?

I didn’t want to believe everything he said; hell, I didn’t even want to comprehend the words he spat at me as the truth. In a way, Oli was right. I was ashamed. Fuck, I mean, I hide away what’s really going on by wearing a shirt with long sleeves, and I refuse to let people in, really in fear of judgment but just because I was ashamed. But that doesn’t mean that he could just flaunt in my face and remind me of it at every second.

Sighing, I shifted my weight and buried my head into my pillow, hoping that maybe I could suffocate myself to death so I didn’t have to deal with the bullshit they call life tomorrow. I hiccuped quietly, making a failed attempt to not soak the fabric with my fucking tears. I seemed to be doing that a lot lately: Crying. I was starting to feel pathetic. Whenever something got hard in life, I would cry, and I knew that wasn’t the best way to deal with my problems. I should take them in my own hands and make it work instead of crying like a little girl.

“Vic?” Kellin whispered from the other side of the room. “Are you okay?” I lifted my head from my pillow and squinted at him in the dark, already seeing him making his way out of his bed. He sauntered over to the headboard of his bed, and before I could ask him any type of question, he was trying his best to drag the bed across the tile floor. The wooden pegs scraped and squeaked loudly as he pulled the bed along with all his strength. After about a minute of dragging, the edge of his sheets met mine, making a huge bed that we could share. Kellin jumped in with a huge, cheesy, grin, wrapping his arms around my waist and letting me bury my head into the crook of his neck. “Ssshh, don’t cry. Stop crying, Vic. Don’t let what Oliver said get ya down,” he whispered to me until I finally calmed myself.

“I’m sorry,” I sniffled, pulling away as he wiped the remaining tears off of my cheeks with his thumb. He shook his head with a simple smile, pressing his lips to my forehead gently. “Won’t Mr.Williams catch us like this in the morning?” I wondered as Kellin laced our fingers together, his other hand snaked around the backside of my neck where he played with my hair, sending goosebumps up my arms.

“Who cares?” Kellin laughed. “Everyone already knows that we are...like, we are...?”

“Like... together?” I suggested hesitantly, feeling the butterflies in my stomach turn into a swarm and the blush on my cheeks heat up dramatically. I watched Kellin as his lips curved up into a smile, and his thumb stroking my knuckles. “I mean, uh, I-” I mumbled quickly when he didn’t respond. “I don’t really know what to call us, ya know?” Kellin nodded slowly, the grin still pulling at his lips. “I mean like, are we together?”

“Well, we act like we are,” he finally said, he fingers tangling and untangling in my hair. “Do you... Do you want to be together?” Kellin questioned, his voice never leaving a whisper. I stared at him for a couple seconds, afraid of what he just said and afraid of what might come out of my mouth. I tightened the grip on his fingers with mine, nibbling on my bottom lip and gazing into his blue eyes. I watched as his dark eyelashes fluttered onto his pale cheeks when he blinked, and the way his pink tongue would dart out to moisten his lips. He seemed patient with me, silently waiting for my answer instead of pestering me until I said something. However, I didn’t know what was going on inside of his head. He could be freaking out, over analyzing things like I was.

But that’s when I realized that Kellin would be my first boyfriend ever, and how much I hoped that things wouldn’t change if I said “yes”. I wanted him to sneak into my room every night like usual, and I wanted him to search for me in the hallways at school and wave that little wave of his; wiggling his fingers. I wanted him to hold me close like this, and I wanted him to respect my boundaries. I also wanted him to exceed those boundaries someday, taking me out of my comfort zone so that he could show how much he cares about me. I wanted him to love me. I wanted...

“Y-Yes... I want to be together,” I finally whispered. I looked down at our legs which were covered by the thick blankets, our thighs pressed up together, and I tried to hide my blushing cheeks and well, my embarrassment.

Before I could really chicken out and take back what I just said even though we both knew I wasn’t lying, Kellin untangled his fingers from my hair and grabbed my chin with his index finger and thumb. He lightly pressed his lips to mine, tasting of mint toothpaste and our mouths meshed together perfectly, occasionally clashing teeth and biting one another’s lips feverishly. Fitting one of his legs in between mine, he hoisted himself over so he was straddling me, never breaking the kiss. Releasing me after he harshly captured my bottom lip in his teeth, his traced my jaw with his lips, breathing heavily against my neck and squeezing my hips. “I thought you’d never say ‘yes’,” he sighed onto my shoulder with a giggle. “‘Cause I don’t know what I would do if you said ‘no’... since I really really like you Vic.”

“I really really like you too, Kellin,” I sighed, whining when his tongue ran over that spot under my ear that drove me crazy. He grazed my earlobe with his teeth and my boxers seemed way too tight for this situation. Kellin lifted his head to smile at me, his big, googley eyes shining even in the darkness. Kellin then connected our lips again, pressing his tongue against my teeth, asking for entrance. I opened my mouth and his tongue was warm as it collided with mine, causing me to dig my nails into his waist and bring his weight down onto my hips. I felt him smirk into the kiss devilishly, rolling his hips down torturingly slow. I squeezed my eyes shut and threw my head back into the pillows, letting out a breathy moan, and Kellin chuckled above me, aware of the affect he had on me. I began to tremble involuntarily as Kellin made his way down, running his fingers up my shirt and pressing soft kisses on my neck. “K-Kels?” I breathed, trying my hardest not to grab onto his feather-like hair and push him down. He hummed in response, all while taking the hem of my boxers and lifting them slightly, just to trace his lips along the line. “I-I don’t think... I-I... oh...” I managed as he started to nip and suck at my hipbone which jutted out. “Puh... Please, Kellin,” I whined. “I don’t think I’m ready for... ‘that’ just yet,” I confessed.

Kellin looked up at me and blushed violently, stammered and removing his hands from my hips. “I-I’m sorry,” he choked. “I didn’t realize...”

“It’s fine, Kellin,” I reassured him weakly, trying to slow down my breathing and racing heart. “You didn’t do anything wrong, don’t worry.”

“Okay,” he smiled, nodding his head and settling back next to me. “I can still cuddle you, right?”

“Yeah, of course,” I giggled, resting my head onto his rising chest and tangling our legs together.

“Goodnight, Vic,” Kellin whispered to me, running his fingers through my hair and watching it fall through the gaps.

“‘Night, Kellin,” I smiled at him before closing my eyes.