I'll Make You Feel Beautiful Once Again

Sitting in the van next to Jaime, Tony, and Mike every Friday was like a daily routine that I played in my mind over and over again; and knew that I would have to do it again next Friday, and the Friday after that, and the Friday after that. Yet it was something I would never get tired of. Besides Kellin, Alex, and Mike, I would say that Jaime and Tony were my bestfriends, and I don’t think I could happier with anyone else. We all grouped together perfectly, and it seemed as if we all depended on each other.

So now, as Jaime chirped to Tony about Toy Story, and I talked to Mike about music, things seemed happy, perfect. Normal I guess you could say.

I could also hear Kellin’s bubbly laughter as he sat close to Jesse two rows up, trying to braid Jesse’s wild hair. He threw his head back and laughed loudly at something Jesse said, ignoring the bumps in the roads or anything else around him. The sight of him smiling so effortlessly made me wanted to squeal and smile forever until my cheeks ripped. It almost felt weird, being this happy, since it really was only a month ago that I was on the bathroom floor every single night, crying my eyes out and contemplating on life or death. In fear and faith. But now I had Kellin. And he is all that I’ve ever wanted.

The chubby woman with choppy hair was driving the van today, ignoring us completely as she turned onto multiple streets and stopped at many red lights. It wasn’t until we were pulling into a parking lot that wasn’t right next to the overnight facility that I realized we were going in the opposite direction. Instead of seeing the plastic playground and the two trees in the front, I saw the red, serious lights of the Emergency building at the hospital. All of the conversations that were buzzing around us died down, and an uneasy feeling began to churn in my stomach.

“Come on guys, follow me,” the chubby woman demanded, climbing out of the van quicker than we could really understand her sentence. We all got out slowly, and we followed her in a cluster. Kellin quickly found me, and he grabbed onto my hand, intertwining our fingers. “It’s the old man, Vic,” he whispered lowly. I looked up into his blue, shining eyes, seeing that they were darting around the area with curiousness and fear. My heart beat was irregular, and my arms and legs felt as if spiders were crawling up and down the skin. As I gulped down the lump in my throat, my breath hitched, and I realized that I had forgotten to breathe.

“Kels?” I asked him quietly while we crossed the almost empty parking lot. “Do you think he’s actually dead?”

Kellin knitted his thick eyebrows together and frowned. “I dunno… he is… was pretty old. I just… I dunno.”

I shook my head slowly, looking up at the pale blue sky and the soft yellow sun. Just like this morning, the birds were chirping energetically and the cold wind was nipping at my cheeks. I shivered in my sweatshirt, cursing myself for not running back into the house before Mike and I left for school to grab something warmer. Like I said before, it was a beautiful day. And it felt eerie walking into the hospital, which smelled like cleaning supplies and death, when it was so breathtakingly gorgeous outside.

My grip on Kellin’s fingers tightened, and I’m pretty sure if I held onto him any longer, I would break his wrist. I mean, it’s not like I was close to Mr.Williams or anything like that; it’s just the fact that I went to him every morning on weekdays, and I practically spent all weekend with him. He was trying, even though he might have been failing, to make us better. He was giving us his all, even if we were all annoying and horny teenagers who could care less.

But that wasn’t until we were all settled into the waiting room and I saw Mr.Williams walking towards us, and his dark skin was paler than normal, and he looked as if he hasn’t had any sleep in the past few days. His black tie was loosened and dangling from his neck, and his copper glasses were propped on the tip of his nose. My blood literally ran cold, and it felt as if I looked into the eyes of a ghost. “Thanks, Ana, for, ya know, drivin’ the kids out here,” he mumbled, standing in front of the chubby woman. He rubbed his temple furiously, and sighed heavily. I started to hyperventilate next to Kellin, my mind racing a million times faster than it was two seconds ago. My eyes darted around the faces in the living room, trying to figure out who was missing. And that’s when it clicked.

“Vic?” Kellin whispered next to me, his voice shaky and uneven. “Are you okay?”

I turned to look at him and his raven hair and his pale cheeks and his everything. I slowly shook my head, my mouth opening and closing, trying to wrap my brain around the possible events that could have happened.

“I’m sorry to be the person to tell y’all this but…” Mr.Williams started, only staring at me with his sad, brown tired eyes. His voice was low and quiet, and we all leaned in to hear what he had to say. Tears started to spill down his cheeks when he opened his mouth, and I couldn’t help my own salty water works as they burned in my eyes. “Our friend Oli… was uh, found in his bed around 7:24 this morning, a-and he wasn’t breathing so his parents took him to the hospital. Doctors pronounced him dead about an hour ago… He seemed to have overdosed on his father’s sleeping pills and I uh, shit guys, I….”

I drowned his words out as my vision blurred over with poisonous tears. I stood up shakily, my knees almost buckling as I turned towards the exit, ignoring anyone who tried to stop me. I didn’t run like they do in the movies. I took my time making my way towards the exit, and when I sauntered past the automatic doors, I fell onto the plush grass to my knees. Clutching my stomach, my shoulders hunched up to my ears and I made a hideous splurging sound as I emptied my stomach. I threw up everything that I could; my food, my memories, my faults, my fears, my everything. Tears streamed down my cheeks, and I looked up to that fucking pale sky, wondering why someone should have to die on such a beautiful day. Leaning back, I laid down on the soft grass, covering my face with my arm slung over. Sobbing, I cursed under my breath, feeling absolutely numb under the sky. It felt as if I was falling, but I would never hit the bottom. I was drowning, except everyone around me was breathing easily. “Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!” I spat, heaving and choking as I cried desperately.

“Vic?” A voice suddenly called out to me, and I didn’t even have to look to know who it was. “Tell me why you’re cryin’.”

“No,” I mumbled, swallowing hard. There was a heavy weight on my chest, pressing down onto my lungs so I couldn’t get the oxygen I desperately needed, and if it would get any heavier, I just might sink into the ground. Six feet below. “Don’t fucking ask me that when you’re standing right next to me crying too.”

Mr.Williams sighed again, furiously wiping away his tears as if he was ashamed. I moved my arm to look at him, and the sun rays surrounded his bald head like a halo. “He didn’t deserve it,” I whimpered. “He didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Victor…”

“No!” I screeched, standing abruptly onto my feet. I looked up at him, having to lean back just to meet his eyes. “Don’t fucking call me that,” I whispered. “...Oli called me that.”

A fresh wave of hot tears pricked at my eyes, and I found myself collapsing into Mr.William’s chest, sobbing and probably ruining his shirt. He wrapped his arms around me, squeezing me so tightly that I almost suffocated. “And you wanna know what sucks?” I managed. “Nobody liked him except for me. I was the only one actually saw past his whole act… I was the only one, and fuck! I should’ve noticed the signs, but I didn’t. I was just with him the other day, a-and… I didn’t notice anything. I wanna die because of what I did to him,” I cried. “I don’t wanna live with myself… kn-knowing that I didn’t do anything to save him from himself…”

“Vic, you didn’t do anything wrong,” Mr.Williams whispered, stepping back slightly to see my face. “Why were you with Oli the other day?” He added.

“I dunno!” I shouted, sniffling as snot began to drip from my nose. “He wanted to drive around in my car a-and… and he took me to a bunch of places-”

“Where did he take you? What did you guys do?”

“Fucking shit Mr.Williams! I don’t fucking know, okay?” I managed. “We did some stuff… I dunno… A-all I know is that I’m the one who fucked up… and I don’t know if I can do this anymore,” I mumbled, using my hands to push the old man away from me.

“Do what, Vic?” He questioned, his big hands rubbing his face harshly.

“Act like everything’s okay, because you know what? It’s not… everything’s not alright!” I shrieked, turning on my heel and running as fast as I could. I sprinted out of the parking lot, away from the stupid hospital, away from Mr.Williams, away from Kellin, and away from anything that I knew I would destroy. I ignored the stares and worried glances I got from passerby as I raced down the streets, sobbing my eyes out with vomit on my shirt. I couldn’t help but blame this on myself. Fuck, it was my fault. If I would’ve opened my eyes, I would’ve noticed and Oli would still be here; calling me gay and smirking at me with that beautiful smile of his. This wasn’t fucking real, I mean, I would run down the street and he would be standing at the dead end, calling me out by my real name. But the problem was, when I got to the end of the street, all I saw was another road ahead of me, and I don’t think I’m brave enough to keep going on like this. All I know is that I’ve ruined everything.