I'll Make You Feel Beautiful Once Again

As I hunched over the white, devilish toilet bowl, I choked on my sweaty and shaking fingers. It has been a long time since I’ve felt this way, and honestly, I didn’t want it happen. I had been so strong, and I was making fucking progress. Two meals a day. Soon enough, I would have made it to three. Then maybe I could’ve added a couple snacks here and there. But that didn’t really matter; I was just happy that I was making progress. Vic was happy too that I was trying to get better. He would smile at me and whisper, “You’re doin’ good, Kels. I’m so proud of you.” I bet he wouldn’t be proud of me now. He would be disappointed.

My shoulders shot up to my ears, and a horrible gurgling sound rumbled in my chest as the bile raced up throat. The tightening in my stomach became almost unbearable, and burning tears rolled down my cheeks. Leaning back against the cold wall, I wiped my mouth furiously with the back of my hand. Reaching out, I flushed the toilet, wanting to get rid of everything, and not just the food.

I wanted to flush down my memories, my fears, my dreams. If I kept this up, I would just wither up and die. I’ll be a pile of dust and bones and that didn’t really bother me. And maybe that was the problem. I know it’s weak of me to give up, but I’m just done fucking trying. It’s hard waking up every morning, knowing that I have to live up to everyone’s expectations. Every day, I had to walk down to that cafeteria at least three times; and every time, I had to shovel the food into my mouth and try my hardest not to run to the bathroom and throw it back up.

I felt like the more food I let into my stomach, that fatter I was getting. Everyone would look at me with pity in their eyes, and they could see every inch of fat on me. I knew they were judging me, I mean, it was obvious. The way their eyes would scan my whole body, head to toe, then back up to eye level. I could practically hear the thoughts swimming in the head, because their faces spoke louder than their words. They didn’t have to open their mouth to say it; I already knew they hated me.

Slapping my hand onto the granite, I stood up, my knees buckling slightly. I stared at myself in the mirror, taking in my pale cheeks and sweaty forehead. My eyes seemed to sink into to the sockets, giving me this half-dead look. Heavy, dark bags lay under my eyelashes, and my lips were chapped and gray. I ran my fingers through my hair, pondering on whether I should bleach my fringe again or let the roots grow back. I looked out of it, and that seriously scared the shit out of me. Flicking the faucet on, I cupped my hands under the hot water before splashing the liquid onto my face. I rubbed my palms over my face harshly, and then I grabbed my toothbrush, squirting some paste onto the bristles. Polishing away at my teeth, I sniffed sadly and wiped away fresh tears that managed to fall down my cheeks.

Suddenly, my cordless phone starting ringing, the shrill bells echoing in the room. Cursing under my breath, I quickly pressed a few buttons before I grumbled “hello” into the speaker.

“Kellin!” A worried voice shouted from the other line.

“Wha??” I replied frantically, my toothbrush still in my mouth. “Who if dis?”

“It’s Mike, who else would it be?” He chuckled half-heartedly, shuffling heard in the background.

“Oh, hey Mike,” I mumbled after spitting any leftover toothpaste into the sink, creating a white splatter in the blue bowl.

“Could you come over?”

“Why? What’s wrong?”

“It’s Vic…” he sighed, and my heart immediately dropped down to my stomach. “He won’t come inside… he’s sitting by that tree again.”

“Okay,” I choked, running down the stairs, grabbed my keys from the bowl and shoving them into my pocket. “I’ll be there in like… 20 minutes,” I told him, taking a quick glance at the clock on the wall. 2:24 am.

My house was quiet, with the occasional creak and moan that would echo through the halls. My siblings were asleep, and my mother fell asleep about an hour ago. No one would notice if I left… and it’s not like anyone would notice if I was here either.

Setting the cordless phone on the table and locking the door behind me, I sauntered down the stone steps that led to the front door. The cold wind nipped at my cheeks, causing me to clutch the jacket on my back closer to my chest. My fingers shook as I wrapped them around the handles on my bike, and I set my combat boots on the pedals. Pushing off, the sound of the gravel colliding with the rubber on the wheels of my bike became the my only sense of sanity as I rode down the twists and turns of my neighborhood. I raced down the streets, and I looked up at the sky; the ominous, white clouds drifted in front of the pale moon. A handful of stars twinkled above me, and I hoped that they would all fall down on me, so I could make a wish of some sort. But this is reality, and in reality, your wishes almost never come true.

Pedalling onto their street, I approached their house slowly, afraid of what I would come face-to-face with when I walked through the door.

Leaving my bike on the grass, I hopped up the steps and softly used my knuckles to rap on the door. Mike was quick to open it, looking like he did last night but worse. All in all, he just looked damn tired, as if he lied awake all night staring up at his ceiling. He mumbled a quick “hey” before stepping aside, letting me into the house. I nodded to him solemnly, opening my mouth to say something, but I couldn’t get the words out. “Just go,” Mike mumbled stubbornly, waving me over to patio door.

“Mike… what’s your problem?” I huffed, crossing my arms.

“Kellin,” he laughed, annoyance oozing in his words. “Nothing’s wrong.”

“I can tell though… something’s bothering you.”

“I dunno,” he grumbled. “It’s just different having someone else comforting Vic, ya know? I was the one he would run to and now…. a-and now, it’s his fucking boyfriend.”

His words were sour like a lemon, and they stung like a dagger straight through my heart. My jaw slacked and tears pricked at my eyes. Fuck me for being too sensitive. “Mike… I-I’m sorry. I-I-”

“Just go get him, okay? Before he freezes to death,” he spat before stomping up the stairs. I watched him until he disappeared around the corner, grumbling under his breath and shaking his head. I stood there by the door for a few moments, letting his words sink in. Was I really keeping Mike away from Vic? Did Vic prefer my comfort over Mike’s? Really when I first started caring for Vic, I didn’t think I was interfering in any way but it turns out that I was wrong. Should I turn around and go home? Or did Vic really need me?

Ignoring everything Mike said and every doubt that was racing through my head, I grabbed the striped blanket from the couch and stepped out into the backyard. Sure enough, Vic was there, shivering uncontrollably in front of the little, lifeless tree. Gnawing down on my lower lip, I approached him slowly and wrapped the blanket around us like I did yesterday night. “Vic… you gotta stop doing this,” I whispered to him. Vic looked up at me, his eyes bloodshot and the bags under his eyes dark and heavy like my own. His cheeks were rosy and his brown hair fell across his forehead lazily, and then fell close to his ears in careless curls. My eyes wandered down his slouched body, taking in his socked feet and tight jeans. “Lemme see,” I sighed, reaching out and resting my hands on his shoulders.

“No,” he said with no emotion. “Just leave it alone, babe.”

“No, Vic,” I retorted. “I have to check to make sure.”

“Kellin,” he whined, squirming away from me. “It’s nothing really, leave it alone.”

“God, why are you so being so damn stubborn tonight?” I asked him, watching him flinch at my sudden outburst. “I care about you so much... You need to let me see, sweetie,” I whispered, instantly feeling guilt wash over me from raising my voice.

I dropped one hand from Vic’s shoulder to his left arm, and I softly used the pad of my thumb to brush his wrist. Vic looked at me the whole entire time, his big, brown, googley eyes never blinking. Gulping, I pushed back his sleeve with my shaking fingers, revealing a patch of gauze with crimson blood almost bleeding through. I sighed, tears pricking at my eyes. Vic was doing so well… getting so strong. I raised my head to meet his eyes, and he had big, fat tears streaming down his cheeks. “I-I… I’m sorry. I tried, please believe me,” he whispered. “I just needed it… ya know?” I nodded slowly, pulling his sleeve back down his wrist. I had no right to judge him, or get mad at him, since just about an hour ago I was leaning over to toilet, relapsing like it meant nothing.

“Don’t let it get to you too much, Vic,” I smiled weakly, wiping away the tears that rolled down Vic’s cheeks and dripped on his chin. “You know you can always call me right? Instead of doing this?”

Vic nodded quickly, his head bobbing and causing the blanket to fall off his shoulders. I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his forehead, tangling my fingers into his soft hair. “Let’s get you to bed, hm?” I suggested, wrapping the whole blanket around him as I led him through the screen door.

“Not there,” he said quickly, his hand shooting out in front of me when I turned towards the stairs. I knitted my eyebrows together as he grabbed my wrist and dragged me to the couch. He snatched a few pillows from the hallway closet, punching them half-heartedly before laying them on the couch. Both of us fit perfectly on the cushions, and Vic lay on top of me, resting his head on my chest. I snuck my hands up his shirt, scratching his skin softly. He shivered involuntarily, lifting his head to smile at me sadly. “Thanks for not getting mad at me,” he said quietly. “Mike got a little mad… but I don’t think he really meant it.”

“It's just because he just cares for you too much, baby,” I reassured him.

“I know,” he laughed weakly, rolling his eyes.

“And I might care for you a little bit too much as well.”

“Well… that’s okay. I don’t mind.”

I nodded slowly, cupping his face in my hands. I brushed his cheeks carefully, loving the way his soft skin felt on the pad of my thumbs and the way he would shiver and close his eyes. I wanted to say it. Those three words. But fuck, I don’t think it was the right time. Plus, I don’t know what Vic would say. So instead, I pressed my lips to his gently, doing what I couldn’t say through actions. Shocks of electricity ran up my arms when I felt Vic push his lips back on mine. Yes, I loved him. I just didn’t have to courage to say it yet.