I'll Make You Feel Beautiful Once Again

Showing up to the church early was my plan all along, in hopes that I would be in the only one there so I could have my time with Oli alone. And that’s just what I got. I stood in front of his closed casket, just like I stood in front his his tree almost every single night. Kellin sat in the back of the church, his fingers laced together, settling in his lap and staring at his shoes sadly. He insisted on coming with me, even though him and Oli weren’t as close. It’s the thought that counts.

The wood was mahogany, and the pews were empty when we had entered the church, leaving the church to have this ominous, creepy pastor feel. The stench of incense tickled at my nose, and I could feel the smooth tile of the floor as I kneeled, my knees digging into the plaster. My fingers felt rough and calloused along the slippery wood of his casket. I didn’t know why it was closed, but I almost preferred it. I couldn’t bear the thought of seeing his pale, lifeless face, and the way his hands would rest above his belt buckle, fingers intertwined.

It wasn’t until I heard the click of a woman’s heels and the quiet sobs of a little boy that I scrambled up from the floor in a hurry, grabbing Kellin by the wrist as I made my way out, embarrassed that I was a complete stranger to his family and I had the nerve to show up at his own funeral. Something itched to know if he wanted me there, and part of me wondered if he didn’t want me there.

So, Kellin and I snuck through a few corridors and ended up in the front hallway, peeking into the brass doors with the watery windows. There stood in the exact place as I was before, was a man, a woman, and a little boy, all dressed in black. I looked down at my wrist, glancing at my watch to see that the funeral started in about five minutes. Salty tears began to pour down my face, and I wanted to curse myself for not staying by the casket to pay my respects to the people who were also mourning over Oli. I was a walking contradiction really; annoyed at myself for showing up, then pissed that I didn’t stay behind. Kellin placed a gentle hand at the small of my back, rubbing small circles for comfort. It was soothing, knowing that he was by my side.

Suddenly, I felt someone’s large hand grip my shoulder softly, I turned around to find Mr.Williams staring at me, the whites of his eyes yellow from age, and bald head shining under the dim light of the candles around us. He simply nodded and smiled at the both of us, turning to walk into the church. He had left us there, and I used the back of my hand to wipe my tears from my cheeks furiously. Snot dripped dangerously from my nose, and I felt girly and weak. I knew I shouldn’t have cried like that, I should have taken it like a man and stand tall, and just… cry on the inside.

“Sir, are you alright?” A small voice squeaked out to me after Mr.Williams walked into the church I looked up to come face to face with a pair of huge, pale brown eyes, with unbelievably long eyelashes that batted against her cheeks. Her black hair fell on her shoulders in a stringy way, and chopped bangs fell across her forehead carelessly. In her long, nimble fingers, she held a single rose, still in perfect condition, and a pack of cigarettes with smeared ink scrawled along the front. I stared at her like I just saw a ghost, blinking dumbfoundedly and gripping the handles on the door behind me. I nodded slowly, watching as she returned the nod with a meek smile and sad eyes. “You one of Oli’s friends?” She asked politely. I shook my head up and down, glancing over at Kellin whose eyebrows were scrunched together in confusion. “Oh, well I’m Hannah,” she smiled softly.

“Vic,” I choked, glancing down at my shiny shoes and wiping my eyes for the millionth time today.

“I’m Kellin,” he chimed in, his soft voice ringing throughout the hallway like bells.

“It’s nice to finally meet some of Oli’s friends. Excuse me,” she whispered, walking past us and into the church.

After watching Hannah walk through the doors of the church, Kellin turned to face me, his pink lips rising at the sides weakly. “You okay, baby?”

I smiled at him, closing the distance between us and wrapping my arms around his petite waist. I buried my head into his chest, breathing the minty cinnamon. “Yeah,” I mumbled, closing my eyes as Kellin tangled his fingers into my hair. “I’m okay when you’re with me.”

“Aren’t you cute,” Kellin giggled half-heartedly, trying to lighten the mood. We walked out of the church into the fresh, cold air, pressed together and shuffling down the stone steps one by one.

“The cutest,” I whispered, standing on the sidewalk next to my car, the church far away from us. Fallen leaves, an arrangement of brown, yellow, and red, collected around our feet, flying almost in the harsh wind. Gray clouds drifted above us, threatening for snow or sleet. The large, black cross hung in the sky majestically, looking deathly against the pale, white sky. Kellin grabbed my face in his hands, grazing my cheeks with the pad of his thumbs. His jet-black hair slowly whipped around his cheeks, kissing his pink ears and falling into his eyes. He leaned in, his shiny, blue eyes never blinking when he rubbed our noses together gingerly.

My eyes fluttered closed, savoring this sweet moment as if it was our last, because you never know when you could wake up the next morning, the side of the bed where your love used to sleep cold and empty. Life is short, obviously, and I wanted to live it like it only lasted five minutes, because sometimes, that’s what it feels like. But times like this, with Kellin’s slightly chapped lips softly pressing onto mine, seemed to last a lifetime, and when it’s snatched away from us, I want to be able to remember every detail.