I'll Make You Feel Beautiful Once Again

I stood in the backyard of my house, the white sky above me and my hair whipping around my face. When I got home, I had immediately scrambled out of the suit, feeling much too formal and the smell of the incense still lingered on the sleeves. I had yanked on my tight, distressed jeans, my old, battered Converse low-tops, and my Thursday long-sleeve music tee, finally feeling the old familiar feeling of “normal” sink in.

I sniffed in the harsh air, feeling my nose ring wiggle in its hole. Right in front of me, the tiny tree that Oli and I had planted into the hard ground, seemed to have died as well. It’s branches were stiff and lifeless, and the dirt holding it all together was dried up and desert-like. Any type of greenery seemed nonexistent for it, but really, who was I kidding? I knew for a fact that it wouldn’t start to sprout leaves until spring; it’s winter now. Yet, I found myself out here almost every single night, staring at it in hopes of any sign of life. That was all I really needed; a sign. To know that he was safe, and hopefully happy.

But it doesn’t look like I’ll get one, and that hasn’t fully registered yet. I would still walk around the halls and streets, thinking I’ll see him and he’ll come sauntering up to me with that smirk of his.

However, Oli was dead. And he wasn’t coming back.

Yet still I waited, with hopes and prayers that he would show up.
I know I’m being immature and mopey, and I knew that I should turn around and charge back into life with a new insight. But I couldn’t; I was still holding on and I don’t think I’d ever let go. Oli meant something to me, even if our friendship only lasted about four months. Four months was enough for me, and every single day that I saw him, he had me coming back for more. And even if he smoked about a pack of cigarettes a day, and even if he was a complete asshole, and even though I could tell that he wasn’t happy with his life, I still wanted him by my side. As a bestfriend.

A fucking companion.

Something inside of me was angry with him, although I knew I shouldn’t hold any grudges against him. I was just frustrated that he didn’t even give me a proper goodbye, or even a little hint that he was leaving. I knew that was selfish of me to think, but shit, I missed him and I wanted answers.

Part of me thought that the day he took me out and we ran all of those strange errands, might have been apart of his “goodbye”.

Almost like in the last 24 hours that he had, he wanted to clear up any problems; make amends. And sure, that made sense, but to me, it seemed unlikely. In my opinion, Oli seemed like the kind of person who would sneak into my house at 2 in the morning, pull me out of bed and drag me around in his car for any type of adventure while I was still in my pajamas. However, there was still little that I knew about him. Hell, he could’ve been a serial killer for all I knew. He was good at hiding his feelings, even if he happened to snap and lash out on anyone that was in close range of contact when he was having a bad day. I didn’t exactly know who Oliver Sykes was. I didn’t know who his parents were, I didn’t know how many siblings he had, I didn’t even know when his birthday was. Yet I had the audacity to claim that I needed a proper goodbye from a complete stranger.

Suddenly, the back-door slid open, squeaking loudly to announce someone’s arrival. I didn’t tear my gaze from the tree as this person’s footsteps got closer and closer, their shoes crunching above the frozen grass. It wasn’t until their lanky arms wrapped around my shoulders and their chin propped up on top of my head that I finally relaxed.

“Hey, Vic,” Mike said, squeezing me closer to him.

“Hey, Mikey,” I breathed, wrapping my fingers around his skinny arms.

“You alright?”

Sighing, I twisted in his arms and turned to face him. Mike’s blonde hair was spiked up messily, his fringe showing his dark roots, and his lip piercing was tight around his big bottom lip.

“Yeah,” I whispered, only half-lying. Sure, I was “alright”, I mean I could smile right now, but on the inside, I was practically screaming my lungs out in a room full of people and it seemed as if no one ever looked up.

“How was the… the, uh,” Mike stammered, shifting his weight and grabbing at his short hair.

“Funeral?” I finished for him, knitting my eyebrows together and twiddling my thumbs. Trying to remember what happened just that morning sent my stomach churning and my nerves racing.

What I remembered most was the girl Hannah, and how everything seemed to click suddenly and make sense, like when you finally understood a difficult math problem. Hannah was the girl in the rich neighborhood, where Oli had stuffed the single rose and the cigarette pack with the note into the mailbox. Oli loved her, that was very obvious when he had dragged me to her house. A sinking feeling ached in my gut, and I wondered if she loved him just as much as he loved her. “It was alright,” I finally said to Mike, letting the previous events float through my mind.

Mike nodded modestly before looking back down on me, averting my gaze and nibbling down on his lip piercing. “I’m sorry… that I haven’t exactly been there for you for the past couple of days,” he rambled. “It’s just that you have Kellin now and-and I didn’t exactly want to interfere-”

“Mike,” I cut him off. “What makes you think that you still can’t come talk to me and like… be there for me? I still need you just as much as I need Kellin... More even." Mike shook his head slowly, rubbing his eyes and kicking at the frozen grass. With the cold wind nipping at my cheeks, I closed the distance between us and wrapped my arms around Mike’s skinny frame. “Don’t ever think that, ‘kay?”

He nodded quickly, squeezing me gently before stepping away. “And, uh, Kellin’s here for you,” he sniffed, his cheeks rosy from the harsh weather.

“I brought you something to cheer you up,” Kellin whispered in my ear as we walked side by side out to my car. He was holding an old shoe box with the sides doodled on with black Sharpie and the cardboard distressed and ripped.

“Aw, I gift,” I laughed softly, unlocking his door with my key before running over to my side. Climbing into the driver’s seat, I immediately shoved the silver key into the ignition, twisting in sideways and flicking on the heat. I cupped my hands around my mouth, blowing hot air onto my freezing fingers.

“Yes, a gift,” Kellin giggled, his cheeks a dark red from the cold air. He lifted to lid slowly for affect, all while smirking at me devilishly. Inside of the shoe box, there were dozens of tapes, all plastered in tape and doodles. I smiled, the sides of my lips pulling up far along my cheeks for the first time this week. “All my old cassettes, and I want you to have them since I know you have a cassette player in your car and in your room.”

“Thanks so much, Kels. That’s so sweet,” I whispered, leaning over and pecking his cheek. With one hand on the steering wheel, I pulled out of my driveway, the other hand fishing through the shoe box in Kellin’s lap. “No fucking way, you have Prince?” I exclaimed, my guilty pleasure for the artist peeking. Kellin nodded quickly, his white teeth practically blinding me as he smiled. “Kellin, I love Prince, oh my gosh,” I gushed, taking my Nirvana mix out of the player and shoving in the new one. Pink Cashmere began to play through speakers smoothly, and I kept on glancing over at Kellin, grinning and trying to let him know how appreciative I was for his donation.

I raced the car down the countryroad, the field that growed corn and peas in the summer dry and brown. I soon pulled onto the bumpy road that led up to Make Out Hill, and now How Come U Don’t Call Me Anymore blared from the player. After turning off the car, but only slightly so the music could still play, I unhooked my seatbelt as Kellin did the same, meeting me in the middle of the seat so we could be close. We pressed our thighs together, the heat radiating through the many layers of clothing. Kellin laced our fingers together, and he stared at me with a small smile on his face. I stared right back, practically swimming in his ocean orbs.

We stayed like that for a long time, just gazing into each other's eyes as the time passed by. Whenever I took the time to actually look into his eyes, everything felt right, how corny that does sound. Pop Life, Raspberry Beret, I Would Die 4 U, and Purple Rain zoomed by before Kellin closed the distance between us, pressing his lips to mine. Our mouths meshed together perfectly, and the grip he had on my fingers tightened. Suddenly, Kellin groaned against my lips, and my eyes fluttered open to see him. I pulled away, our noses still touching as Kellin knitted his thick eyebrows together. “I love you,” he finally blurted, opening his eyes cautiously to catch my reaction. I blushed deeply, feeling the heat creep up my neck and rest in my cheeks.

“I-I... I love you too, Kels,” I whispered, looking down at our hands which were grasping the other’s fingers so tightly, that our knuckles turned white. And that’s when I realized that I have loved Kellin all along, and really we both knew that. We didn’t necessarily need to clarify it with words just now, but actually feeling the words on my tongue felt amazing. It was all I needed to justify my feelings. “I love you so much."

Kellin stared at me with a look of adoration, his blue eyes glossy and his pink lips agape. His fingers from his free hand tangled into my hair, bringing me closer until he was smashing his lips onto mine once more. I kissed him back with a new fiery attitude, our previous remarks igniting this flame in our guts.

Kellin sneakily glided his wet tongue over my bottom lip, and I quickly granted him the access he deserved, moaning helplessly at the feeling of the warmth of his tongue as it danced with mine. It wasn't long before was hovering over me, his shirt tossed somewhere behind us, and his slightly chapped lips were at my neck as his shaking fingers unbuttoned my shirt. He pushed my flannel aside, running his fingers over the numerous scars on my stomach. He frowned at me, shaking his head and rubbing his thumb on my hipbones. "I still think you're beautiful, y'know?" He mumbled, looking away for a second to stare at the gray sky outside of the windshield. "You're honestly the most beautiful person a guy like me could ever have."

I looked up at him with big eyes, searching his face to see if he may be lying. I smiled warmly at him, his words being enough assurance to bring him back down on me. I kissed him sloppily, yanking at his hair and feeling nothing but his body against mine.

Kellin travelled down my jaw, leaving wet kisses as he went. Slyly, all while sinking his teeth into the spot on my collarbone which had me moaning, he rolled his hips down into mine. That friction alone was enough for me to throw my head back, groaning and screwing my eyes shut. I could feel his hard-on on mine, and oh did it feel good.

Too caught up in the moment, I was surprised when Kellin suddenly lowered his head to my ear and sighed heavily, his warm breath sending waves of goosebumps up my arms. "Do you want me to make you feel good?" He asked me quietly, his voice far from seductice but sounding more nervous. Before I could really respond, his fingers were at my belt buckle, and he quickly unhooked the latch, the sound of the metal clinking together and jingling. He popped the button on my jeans and yanked the zipper down, and all I could do was watch. "I'll make you feel beautiful, Vic," he told me, determined.

And with that, his hand was in my boxers, stroking me torturingly slow. His palm was warm, where his fingers were cold, sending shivers up my spine whenever his thumb brushed along the tip. It felt absolutely amazing, and I didn't even hold back as I moaned involuntarily under him. "Oh god, Kellin," I groaned, squirming on the seat of the car.

Kellin buried his head into the crook of my neck, sucking on the skin while quickening his pace. He gripped my member tightly, flicking his wrist as I whined and sighed. The heat began to stir in the car, causing a thin layer of sweat to form on my forehead and the windows to fog up.

"Mmfh, Kels," I mumbled in awe, already beginning to tremble.

Kellin looked down on me, biting his swollen lower lip before kissing my cheek. "You're so warm," he giggled in a hushed tone, making me smile weakly along with him.

As the feeling of boiling heat churned in my guys, I lost it a few times, bucking my hips up into his hand to feel more friction. "More, Kellin," I whimpered, my breathing heavy and quick.

He quickly obliged, his eyes full of want and lust as he flicked his wrist faster, turning me into a sweaty, moaning mess. Unable to handle the immense pleasure I was feeling, I mindlessly arched my back, my butt digging into the polyester fabric of the car. I threw my head back, crying out right as my voice broke. "K-Kels... I d-don't think I can... oh, fuck! I can't anymore," I stammered like an idiot, my grip on the seat under me tightening with every passing second.

"Just look at me, Vic," he whispered gently, tangling his fingers into my slightly sweaty hair and forcing me to look into his eyes as my breathing shallowed. "Try to keep your eyes on me." I nodded quickly, trying to keep my eyes from closing as I stared at the beautiful boy on top of me. His pale skin was now slightly sweaty and rosy, and his dark eyelashes batted against his cheeks like angel wings.

"Kelliiiin," I moaned, my eyes practically rolling into the back of my head as white spots formed over my vision. I came hard all our chests, and relief and ecstasy washed over me. I sighed happily, shaking and watching Kellin lick and suck his fingers clean. He then lowered his head, running his tongue over my mess politely. I shuddered with a smile on my face, my eyes half lidded as Kellin rested his head on my heaving chest. "Do you want me to...?"

"No, no," he giggled, looking at me and brushing my hair away from my forehead. "Let's just lay here for awhile."

I nodded like I was drunk, relaxing and settling into the seat. "I love you, Kellin," I whispered, sleep overtaking me before I could hear his reply.

But I'm pretty sure it would be: "I love you too, Vic."