I'll Make You Feel Beautiful Once Again

"Do you know how much you mean to me?" Kellin whispered lowly in my ear as we walked down the vacant hallway, our arms pressed together firmly.

Blushing, I looked over at him with my lips pressed in a thin line, threatening to break into a huge grin. Quickly, he grabbed my wrist softly and dragged me into a secluded hallway; a dead-end with an Emergency exit. The school was almost deserted at this hour with only 45 until class started, and there was only a few students wandering here and there. Kellin and I were among them, only to be with one another, see each other smile, share a squeeze, steal a kiss, take a sip of the bitter coffee stolen from the teacher's lounge, or to force Kellin to take a bite or two from the toast I snatched from Mike. I only wanted to be with him, even if that meant waking up a little earlier to make the small trek to school when the doors opened at 7 AM.

"I think I have an idea," I answered him quietly, my cheeks burning and my stomach doing fancy flips.

He rolled his eyes with a smirk, gently pressing me up against the cold wall. The pad of his thumb grazed my cheek, and he closed the distance between us so that our stomachs touched and our noses brushed against the other's. "I love you."

"I love you more," I said, closing my eyes as he gave me sweet Eskimo kisses and I gripped his waist closer to mine.

"Mmm, not possible," Kellin retorted, pecking my cheeks and rubbing my ears gingerly with his fingertips. My eyes fluttered open, and I watched him caress my face in the most gentle way he could manage, as if he would break me if he pressed any harder. I took in his milky skin yet rosy cheeks, his pale sapphire eyes and black, feather-like hair. He was beautiful, maybe even more than that; so beautiful that I couldn't find more words to describe him. I breathed him in, smelling of laundry detergent and linen. I buried my face into the crook of his neck, feeling the heat radiating from him and his pulse beating against my cheek. We stood there like that in each other's arms, holding one another. I needed my daily dose of Kellin, I needed to see him, smell him, touch him, hold him at every second I was with him or else I would seriously go insane, although I pretty sure that I already am. I knew I loved him, and that was really all I wanted to think about. Not Mike, my parents, Mr.Williams, Oli, Jaime, or Tony. At the moment, Kellin was the only person I wanted and needed, and sure, I was miraculously, and helplessly in love with him.

"You're so beautiful, Vic," Kellin cooed, breaking me away from my thoughts. He tangled his fingers in my hair and softly yanked me closer to him, our lips barely touching. "And I'm so happy that I can show you that I love you with more than words now."

Oh.

"Kels," I blushed, ducking my head into his shoulder and getting this weird yet excited churning feeling in my gut. Him mentioning what we did in my car the other day did something to me, and I couldn't really explain it. It's not that I am ashamed of what happened, nor was I thinking that it shouldn't have happened; it's just that I was slightly embarrassed. I felt like I overreacted when it was occurring, and I felt like I couldn't give Kellin the same feeling that he gave me. I also felt immature for thinking that way, I mean, if Kellin didn't like the way I acted, or what happened, he wouldn't still be here, leaving no space in between us.

"What? Are you sorry that it happened? Do you think that it was a mistake? Or?" He pressed, leaning back slightly to watch my face.

"No, no!" I rushed, pulling him back to by his hips. "I'm so happy that it happened, it's just..."

He looked at me with his big, googley eyes, and he bit down on his lower lip. If he wasn't the most adorable thing ever, then I don't know what is.

"I'm just not used to being... so intimate like that."

"Oh," he said before smirking devilishly. "Then I'll have to change that, hm?"

I giggled at him, half-heartedly smacking him on the shoulder before he leaned in and pressed his lips to mine. I instantly started to move my mouth against his, the kiss meaning so much more than it did last week. I relaxed into him, melting at the feeling of his hands groping my waist. I accidentally broke the kiss, moaning quietly into his mouth as Kellin snuck his thigh in between my legs, creating that friction we both desperately wanted. He pressed his hips into mine strongly yet slowly, sending waves of pleasure up my arms and through my stomach. He mumbled something incoherent on my lips before slipping his tongue into my mouth which was wet and warm as it collided with mine. His hands found the my back, where his fingers felt up my shirt to trace small designs before digging his nails into the skin, dragging upwards harshly. A shiver shot up my spine, causing my head to fall back and Kellin immediately pressed his swollen lips under my ear. "There's something I wanted to ask you," he groaned huskily, his teeth barely grazing my neck. I still felt his hot breath, though, which made me shudder and I had to restrain myself from grinding my hips any harder into him.

"Wh-what?" I moaned, pressing my fingers into his shoulder blades.

"Lemme see?"

"Huh?" I questioned, my breathing quick and heavy, and just like that, before I could become completely aroused, the feeling was gone. I got this slow, aching feeling in my chest, and I knew something bad was coming. Furrowing my eyebrows when he stopped his movements, I stared at my boyfriend in confusion who was also out of breath. His hands were still roaming under my shirt, and I was still squeezing him tightly. "What are you t-talking about?"

"Vic... I need to see," he mumbled, licking his lips.

"Kellin, what the hell are you talking about?"

"I need to see your arms, sweety."

As that sentence fell out of his mouth, my jaw dropped and I was at a loss for words. I squirmed in his grip, twisting out his arms and ducking around him. I shook my head slowly, staring at the dirty tile under my feet. "Why are you bringing this up all of a sudden?" I snapped lowly.

"I just... I can't really explain it. I just need to see, okay?" Kellin explained, taking a few cautious steps towards me.

"No," I whined, shaking my head again and backing up against the opposite wall. "No, I-I can't... There's nothing to see. I-"

"Don't lie to me," he said sternly, closing the space in between us and placing his hands on the brick wall, one on each side of my head.

"I'm not lying," I whimpered helplessly, avoiding eye contact and trying to duck under one of his arms to escape. "There really is nothing to see..."

"Fuck, Vic," Kellin cursed in frustration. "I can tell you're lying because you won't look at me... there really is no need to lie, you can trust me. I won't get mad."

"No," I mumbled stubbornly, turning my head and scooting away from him. Before I could really comprehend what was happening, Kellin had a firm grip on my shoulder and he was yanking at the sleeve of my flannel. "Kellin!" I screeched, trying to twist away from him, yet that only made it worse. My over-shirt slipped of one shoulder, and I mentally cursed myself for this whole debacle. Kellin was surprisingly stronger than me, so really I had no chance of winning this war. I cried out in fear as my knees gave out under me, my feet slipping on the cool tile. As I tumbled down, my flannel came loose, and Kellin quickly pulled it from off of me and he immediately grabbed my wrist. There right in front of his blood shot eyes was the display of artwork that littered my skin in scattered lines of fiery red. Yanking my wrist away, I glared at him accusingly.

"I couldn't just 'show' you, Kellin!" I choked, my voice rising with each passing second. "It's not that easy! I couldn't just stand there and tell you everything that's going on in my head. You wouldn't understand. You-"

"I wouldn't understand?!" Kellin interrupted me, fury blazing in his eyes. His let one arm drop and he pressed his hand to chest. "You don't think I'll understand? Christ, I've got just as much self-hate and loathing coursing through my head as you do!"

"Oh, don't you dare start comparing my problems to yours!" I shouted, pointing a finger in his face and scrambling up from my position on the floor. "That's so fucking selfish of you..."

"I'm selfish?" He said calmly, allowing me to brush pass him, and I began to pace in front of him, rubbing my temple with my fingers. How could this have escalated so quickly? Just minutes ago we were in each other's arms, kissing, cuddling, and saying we loved each other. Life really can sneak up on you and snatch away your happiness right as it comes.

"Yeah!" I fired back.

"And hurting the ones you love isn't selfish?" Kellin accused.

"Fuck you," I spat. "Fuck you, Kellin! How could you fucking say that?!" Tears began to burn in my eyes, and my bottom lip quivered in defeat. I wiped at my eyes furiously with the back of my hand, abruptly stopping my pacing to bend down and grab my backpack. "Fuck you," I whispered once again before stalking away.

"Don't walk away from me!" He shouted from behind me, his footsteps quickly approaching. "Victor, get back here!"

"Don't call me that!" I shrieked, spinning around to face him. Memories began to swim back into my mind again, leaving me dizzy and gasping for breath.

"Is that what it is? Is it Oli that's makin' you do this to yourself?"

"Shut the fuck up, Kellin. Don't test me," I warned, bursting out of the school through a side-door, the cold, harsh air already biting at my cheeks. Goosebumps began to form on my exposed arms, and I shivered violently and longed for my flannel which was in Kellin's hand.

"Oli," Kellin threatened. "Oli, Oli, Oli!"

"Shut up!!!" I cried, my voice cracking and I quickly walked down the sidewalk, leaves crunching under my shoes.

"You know, cutting on yourself isn't going to bring him back, Vic," he barked, his voice echoing softly around us.

"And making yourself puke isn't going to bring you dad back, Kellin!" I retorted, my hands instantly shooting up to cover my mouth. Hearing myself gasp, I stopped in my tracks and let my eyes wander down to my loose laces.

"Take that back!" Kellin wailed, close behind me. "You fucking take that back!"

"I-I... I'm sorry," I whispered, shaking my head as the tears spilled down my cheeks. Choking and bawling, I slowly walked down the descend of the sidewalk, feeling my backpack slap against my butt. Sobs rattled in my chest, and tears blurred my vision as I shuffled away from the school and hopefully Kellin.

"Every fucking night, I lay awake scared shitless because of you, Vic," Kellin called from behind me. "I-I... I'm scared I'll wake up the next morning and you won't be there, kinda what happened with you and Oli."

"Kellin..."

"No! Lemme fucking finish!" He shouted, causing me to stop dead in the middle of the sidewalk. "I know Oli meant a lot you, and I know you're hurt that he's gone. To me, it's like the same thing. Every time you hurt yourself like that, you're hurting me. I can feel it, Vic. I can fucking feel it as if you're telling me you're not worthy enough to live with me. I feel your pain as if it's my own. When you're hurting yourself... you're hurting me, too..."

I let out a stifled sob, the palms of my hands covering my eyes as tears streamed down my cheeks and onto my neck.

"And I know that my dad is gone, and I know that your Oli is gone, but shit, I'm here, Vic! I'm here to protect you from your thoughts and that's all I want to do! I mean, when I said 'I love you', I fucking meant it. And if I didn't, I wouldn't be here still fighting even after you and I said all of those nasty things to each other..."

Suddenly, Kellin's scrawny arms wrapped around me, covering me in warmth and promise. "Please don't push me away," he whispered against the back of my neck.

"I'm trying," I managed, my voice husky and squeaky. "It's just difficult..."

"I know, I know," he cooed into my hair, beginning to slowly rock me in his arms. We swayed slightly in the breeze, and Kellin hummed an unfamiliar tune behind his lips.

"I'm sorry, Kels," I whimpered, fresh tears pooling in my eyes and spilling over in fat drops.

"No need to be, you didn't do anything wrong. You're just hurting, and that's okay," he encouraged, gently forcing me to turn in his arms. He wiped away my tears gingerly with his thumb, staring at me with knitted eyebrows and watery eyes. "I'll take the pain away, Vic, okay?" I nodded quickly, a couple tears gathering on the curve of my chin. Swallowing, he pushed a loose strand of hair behind my ear and quickly pecked my lips. "I'll make it all go away."