I'll Make You Feel Beautiful Once Again

I smiled to myself as I placed the last present that I wrapped myself under the festive Christmas tree. Inside of that box, I had folded an Army vest carefully and set some new cassette tapes from this local band for Mike. The ornaments showed my reflection in the glass, and the green and red lights glowed on my face brightly.

It has been two weeks since Oli died, and out of all honesty, things were looking better. I found myself smiling without forcing it and the nightmares were slowly starting to go away. Now, don’t get me wrong, I still have my bad days, but they were less frequent.

Part of me wondered if this was just a phase, and only one little slip would have me spiralling back down again. I mean, it feels like happiness shouldn’t have come this fast. It was getting easier to take a shower without falling to the floor on my knees, breaking down and sobbing until my chest hurt and the hot water runs out. It was getting easier to pick the happy songs instead of the sad ones when I went out driving. And when I do go driving, it was getting easier to fight that urge to find the nearest train track and wait for the black beast to collide with the headlights of my car. Sadness felt like no match for my happiness right now, but basically, that’s what I said before Oli died. Everything felt right then… happy almost. Yet, it was gone before I could even realize it was snatched from my bare hands.

Sighing, I rubbed my eyes before walking through the living room towards the screen door. I grabbed a heavy coat, shoving my arms through the holes and covering my ears with a beanie. I stepped out into our backyard and stared up at the angry, dark sky with bellowing white clouds. The cold air nipped at my cheeks and dozens of different flakes gathered on my shoulders immediately. The snow fell down from the sky, covering the grass, the lawn chairs, and our bikes in big heaps that looked like scoops of vanilla icecream. It felt light and fluffy under my shoes as I approached the frail, limp tree that stood lifeless in the middle of the yard. Stopping right at its roots, which had begun to snake around the tree and grow above the ground, I bent my knees, crouching under the branches. Using just my gloved fingers, I dug a small crater, scooping up snow and dried, crackling dirt to create a hole in front of Oli’s tree. Brushing my palms together to rid myself of any residue, I reached into my coat pocket, pulling out a brand new pack of Marbalo, red of course, the kind I always saw him filling his lungs with. Ripping away the plastic covering, I tore open the package then poured each cancer stick into the hole, giving him his own little present. “Merry Christmas… asshole,” I said, smiling half-heartedly.

As I was patting down the dirt over the hole, my mother called out to me, peeking her head out slightly from the screen door. “Victor, come inside, your friend, Alex, is here!”

Shooting up from the ground, I practically ran back inside the house, warmth and the smell of cinnamon and vanilla hitting me instantly. “Alex?” I called out, walking through the living room and hallway to find him standing on the carpet in front of our door, shaking snow off his jacket before he hung it on a hook.

“Hey man!” He smiled at me, slipping off his muddy shoes before running into me to give me a bone-crushing hug. “How’ve ya been?”

“Good, I guess,” I smiled, patting his back. “I haven’t seen you in forever, how’ve you been?”

“Good, dude,” he laughed, nodding at my mother who was leaning against the wall with her arms crossed and a smug grin on her face. “Hi, Mama Fuentes,” he waved.

“Hello, Alex. It’s good to see Victor with someone else other than his boyfriend. I swear, those to are attached at the hip,” she accused with a chuckle.

“Seriously, I barely see you anymore,” Alex chimed in with nudge to my arm.

“You guys are mean,” I pouted. “I don’t just hang out with Kellin! I hang out with other people...”

“Which reminds me, I’ve gotta present for you,” Alex winked, already dragging me up the stairs.

“Dude, I thought we agreed years ago: No presents.”

“I never listen, you should know that, Vic.”

We both jumped onto my bed after I popped in a random mixtape into my cassette player. “Where’s your brother?” Alex wondered.

“Seeing some girl, I dunno,” I answered, taking off my beanie, coat, and gloves and throwing them somewhere on the littered floor.

“Oh, anyways, your present, sir,” he laughed, handing me a medium-sized box that he managed to fit into the pocket of his sweatshirt. I snatched it from him, earning a small laugh as I tore the shitty wrapping paper away from the package. Tearing down the front of the covering, it revealed a plastic box with cursive writing on the front. I immediately jolted from my seat on the bed, my cheeks burning so furiously I thought my face would set to flames. I stammered like an idiot, shoving the present back into his hands.

“You are an asshole,” I spat, covering my face with my hands.

“What? It’s Christmas Eve after all, I thought you deserved a little present,” Alex laughed loudly, examining the box with raised eyebrows.

“Yeah,” I grumbled, a small smirk playing at my lips. “But a bottle of lubricant is not the way to go.”

“Yes it is!” Alex objected. “Just consider it a little gift from me to you and your boyfriend.”

“Like I said, you’re an asshole, I can’t believe you would buy me this,” I laughed, rising from the bed and shoving the bottle into my bottom drawer of my beside dresser.

“Appreciate it Vic, now you don’t have to go buy it yourself. I saved you the embarrassment,” he claimed.

I looked at him, raising an eyebrow and he nodded his head furiously at me, not giving up his argument. “Whatever, thanks, Alex.”

“Aw, you’re welcome, just helping out my friend’s love life,” he laughed. “Oh hey, can I ask you something?”

“Yeah, what is it?” I questioned, sitting back down across from him on the bed.

“Kellin, y’know? He makes you really happy, right?”
I stared at him, watching him adjust the beanie on his head with his big hands.

“Yeah, I guess you can say that,” I said quietly, blushing slightly and scratching at the back of my head.

“I can tell,” he pointed out. “At the beginning of the year, you wouldn’t say nothin’ but two words to me, no offense,” he laughed. “And now, it’s like you’re a completely different person, which is a good thing. I mean, you’re happy now, I can tell… Oh, and I hope you like cherries, ‘cause that’s the flavor the lube is in.”

***

That night, I lay on my bed with Kellin sitting next to me, his long legs resting on top of mine as he fished through the box of cassettes he gave me the other week, looking a a specific one. My parents and Mike were gone, shopping for some last minute cooking supplies and Christmas presents, leaving Kellin and I alone in the empty house. I thought about what Alex had said earlier, thinking over about how right he actually was. Kellin was, admittedly, my main source of happiness, and I felt lucky that I received his paper that first day of school, and that I was roomed with him at the overnight facility.

“Where the fuck is it?” Kellin groaned, digging through the numerous tapes.

“Which one are looking for?” I wondered, sitting up next to him so that both of our backs were pressed up against the headboard of my bed.

“The Pearljam one, I’m really in the mood for some Pearl,” he grumbled stubbornly.

I started to sort through the box, pushing aside multiple tapes before I finally spotted it. “This one?” I asked, holding up the white tape in between my fingers.

“Yeah! Thanks so much,” he beamed, pecking my cheek quickly before jumping up from the bed to shove the tape into my player. “These are great make-out songs, y’know.”

After he pressed play, he skipped back over to me, laying down on his back with his feet towards me and his head almost leaning off the side of the bed with a little smirk on his lips that I knew all too well. “Oh, really?” I asked, raising my eyebrows with a tinted blush at my cheeks. Sweet sounds of a guitar from my cassette player floated around the room, sending goosebumps up my arms.

“Mhm,” he giggled. “Now, get over here.” He slowly motioned me over with his lanky fingers, his eyes already droopy. I crawled over to him, lying down by his side and he quickly hitched a leg in between mine and hovered over me slightly. “You’re so beautiful, Vic,” he whispered, grazing my cheek with his fingertips. I looked away out of embarrassment, craning my neck so I wouldn’t have to meet his enticing gaze. “You don’t believe me when I say it?” Kellin whined, pressed his lips to the pulse on my neck. Instantly when he touched me, I felt every square each of my skin set ablaze, just like it did every time he laid his hands on me. “I would never lie to you, Vic,” he said, brushing aside a piece of my hair to press a kiss under my ear. He started to make his way down, all while slipping his fingers beneath my shirt to reveal my torso. He rubbed my hipbones with the pads of his thumbs, his lips just barely touching mine. I could feel his hot breath on my cheeks, and god, he was so close it was practically driving me insane.

“Kiss me, Kellin,” I breathed, placing my hands on his shoulders and digging my fingers into the blades. He immediately pressed his lips to mine, kissing me softly. He was gentle and the kiss was nice and slow. While he kissed me, we both managed to slip our shirts over our heads and toss them somewhere on the floor. It wasn’t long before I was biting and sucking at Kellin’s lower lip, and he chuckled darkly before slipping his tongue into my mouth. His tongue was warm and wet against mine, making my pants grow tighter after every passing second.

“Someone’s getting used to this whole thing,” Kellin teased as I flipped us over so that I was straddling his hips.

“Oh, do you want me to stop?” I suggested innocently, my confidence surprising me as well.

“Definitely no,” he laughed under me. I laughed along with him, lowering myself so that I could litter him with kisses. I left sloppy, wet kisses on his neck and down his chest.

“Kels, y’know I'm not the only beautiful one,” I said, brushing my fingers over his ribs which were slightly visible now. There was a small, little bump of chubbiness on the stomach, and I leaned down to press a kiss to it, a smile pulling at my lips. “I’m so proud of you.”

Kellin’s usual pale cheeks flushed a dark red, and he quickly slapped his hands over his face, a bubbly giggled eliciting from him, which was muffled. “There you go again, making me feel all weird inside. I love you, you little shit.”

“That’s my job,” I smiled, giggling at how cute this boy was.

“Kiss me, Victor,” he pouted, jutting out his lower lip before laughing once again, his chuckle light and throaty. I placed my hands on his chest, kissing him again at that same, slow and gentle pace from before. Wanting that much-needed friction, I began to roll my hips down onto my boyfriend, feeling his very prominent erection against mine, which only caused me to break the kiss to gasp into Kellin’s mouth. He grabbed at my waist, forcing me to bring myself down on him harder and sending waves of pleasure through me. His fingers dug into my skin, his nails leaving small crevices of red curves on my hips.

“There’s, uh, something I wanna try,” I whispered, my breathing quick and faltered. Kellin furrowed his eyebrows together before nodding slowly. With shaky hands, I placed my hands on his hips, squeezing him softly before popping the button free from its latch on his jeans.

“V-Vic, you don’t have to do that if you don’t want to,” he said, causing me to pause my actions as he brushed his fingers across a specific patch of completely healed scars on my arm.

“But, I want to,” I reassured him, lowering the zipper and watching him bite down on his swollen lip. “I want to go all the way this time,” I whispered. “Because I love you, Kellin.”

“I love you, too,” he smiled warmly up at me, placing a warm hand onto my cheek and making my heart flutter.

It didn’t take long for me to rid him of his jeans, and I was digging through the drawer to find Alex’s “clever” gift. Grabbing the bottle of lubricant, I met Kellin back at the bed, who had switched positions on the bed so that now his head was resting on the pillows next to my headboard. Lowering myself in between his legs, I let out a nervous, shaky sigh before popping the cap of lubricant. “Is that lube?” Kellin asked curiously as I squirted the ruby red, slimy substance into the palm of my hand. I nodded quickly, averted my gaze as I reached towards him. I began to stroke his member slowly, spreading the gel and smirking when a very low groan fell from Kellin’s lips. I placed my hands on his thighs before pressing a small kiss to the tip of his member.

“Vic…” Kellin breathed as I swivelled my tongue around the head several times, tasting the tangy flavor of cherry which exploded on my tongue. His hands immediately found my hair, where he pulled to force me down. I hollowed out my cheeks as soft moans coming from Kellin. I took more of him in my mouth each time I went down, even finding a way to graze my teeth or flatten my tongue over a sensitive area. “Fuck,” he groaned, losing it a few times and bucking his hips up to fit more of himself into my mouth. It wasn’t until I began to bob my head faster that Kellin was pulling me back up, leaving me breathing heavily and looking confused. “It’s your turn, baby,” he told me matter-of-factly.

Kellin placed his hands at my hips and pushed me into the bed, climbing over me and grabbing the bottle of lube. “Where did you get this anyhow?” He wondered, squirting a small glob of it on his finger and tasting it for himself, in which he smirked and nodded his head in approval. “Koolaid, it definitely tastes like Koolaid.”

“I guess, uh,” I blushed. “I guess you can say it was a early Christmas present.”

“Mmm, I think this is one of the best gifts ever,” he laughed before turning serious, knitting his eyebrows together and looking at me expectantly. “Are you sure you wanna do this?”

“Positive,” I squeaked.

“Do you wanted to be prepped?”

“N-No… I trust you.”

“Okay,” he whispered, lowering his head and pecking me on the lips multiple times. “Just know that it’ll hurt for the first couple minutes, and know that I love you. I’m not trying to hurt you, okay?”

I nodded nervously, kissing him gently again as he slowly placed himself at my entrance and pushed in. Immediately, a burning sensation began to tear at my insides, and Holy Jesus, I don’t think I’ve experienced something this painful before. I let a small whimper, causing Kellin to shake his head and kiss me quickly on the lips. Biting down on his bottom lip, he mumbled, “I’m s-sorry, Vic.” Tears pricking at my eyes, Kellin continued to push in, and I dug my fingernails into his shoulders, another cry of pain tumbling out of my mouth.

“It h-hurts,” I grimaced as he finally finished and had filled me to the brim.

“I, uh,” he groaned, obvious pleasure coursing through him. “I know, baby. It’ll feel good soon, I promise.”

After a few minutes of laying there in pain, I patted his back and said, “Okay… you can move now, just not so fast.”

Kellin nodded hesitantly before moving his hips against me, sliding in and out slowly and carefully. “Oh, fuck,” he groaned, gripping the pillow that was under my head tightly. I gnawed down on my lower lip, the tearing feeling ripping me in half basically. I gripped his shoulders for dear life, wishing the pain would go away. I shut my eyes tightly, tears pouring down my cheeks. Kellin looked at me lovingly, kissing my salty tears before murmuring, “You’re doing good, baby.” It was then that Kellin buried his head into my neck, groaning huskily which sent shivers up my spine, causing the pain to start to subside.

He did that over and over again as he thrusted into me at a slow pace. His hot breath hit my neck seductively, sending sheets of warmth that travelled down my arms and to my legs, down to my toes and into my guts. A shockwave of surprising pleasure shot through me, and the only solution for me was to moan breathlessly into Kellin’s shoulder. Kellin lifted his head to smile at me weakly, and he kissed me sloppily, his tongue sloshing with mine as we grinded our hips into one another. “Oh, g-god,” I cried, wrapping my legs around Kellin’s waist to bring him closer.

“S-So tight,” he groaned, quickening his pace slightly causing me to bury my head into the crook of his neck and let out a low moan. I clawed at his back, long streaks of red lines rising on his pale back and skin gathering under my fingernails.

“It feels so g-good,” I sighed with a small smile pulling at my lips, a thin layer of sweat forming on our skin. I looked up at my boyfriend with lidded eyes, watching him in awe. He was so beautiful as his hair stuck to droplets of sweat, sticking to his forehead. His cheeks were rosy and his lips were pale as soft groans fell from them.

I arched my back, trying to fit more of him into me. He slipped deeper into me, feeling so strong against me. I let my jaw slack and my eyes screw shut as he basically fucked me into the mattress. “G-God, Vic,” he managed. “You’re so sexy.”

I could only nod my head and bring him closer to me, our chests pressed up against one another. Suddenly, Kellin switched up his movements, thrusting into me at a new angle. Hitting that specific bundle of nerves, I cried out in pleasure, burying my head into the pillow under my head and seeing stars. I practically unravelled as he pounded into that spot again and again. “M-More, please, Kellin,” I moaned, my fingers gliding along his sweaty, slippery arms.

Kellin slyly wrapped his fingers around my wrists, forcing my arms over my head where he kept them there with a firm hold. The headboard tapped against the wall repeatedly, and Kellin was groaning lowly in my ear where I was biting and sucking at his sweet spot under his ear to keep any embarrassing moans from eliciting. Quickening his pace and slamming into me rather harshly, I squirmed under him helplessly, my hands begging to be freed so I could grab onto something. “K-Kellin…” I whimpered, pausing to try to catch my breath, yet failing tremendously. A boiling, heated feeling began to churn in the pit of my stomach; the same feeling I got in the car when Kellin had proceeded to give me a handjob.

“G-God, Kels you're gunna make me... Oh fuck!” I breathed. He removed one hand from my wrists, the other one managing to hold me in place. He spit into the palm of his hand before stroking me quickly in time with his thrusts. He even rubbed the pad of his thumb over the head, forcing some precum to leak which he spread down my length. “Oh, g-god, y-yes,” I mumbled, going limp and opening my eyes just to feel them almost roll into the back of my head. I arched my back and let out a sharp cry as I came hard on both of our chests, white spots flashing across my vision.

After I gained whatever strength I actually had left, I pulled my wrists free and yanked at Kellin’s hair as his thrusts became sloppy and misdirected. “Come inside me, Kels,” I moaned innocently, and seemingly with those words, he came quickly, stilling as he groaned animalistically into my neck. He collapsed onto my chest, pulling out and lacing our fingers together. Our breathing was heavy and erratic, and Kellin’s hair tickled my chest as he let out a small giggle.

“I can’t believe we just did that,” he laughed.

“I know,” I added, my voice raspy and breathy.

With his arms shaking slightly, Kellin leaned up to kiss me gently, a small kiss that couldn’t have lasted for more than three seconds. “I love you,” he whispered on my lips.

“I love you, more,” I shot back, grinning.

“Not possible.”