I'll Make You Feel Beautiful Once Again

“I don’t think this is a good idea, Kels,” I said warily as we both stood in the bathroom which was right across from my room. The natural sunlight poured into the tiny room without trouble, giving Kellin and I no need to turn on the bright lights that hung above the mirror. My parents were downstairs, talking and laughing loudly, celebrating sadly that the last day of school ended just two hours ago. Now, they would have to deal with Mike and I on a daily, us staying up until the early hours of the morning and sleeping until the late hours of the afternoon. Honestly, I couldn’t wait to spend my first summer with Kellin.

It has been six months since Oli’s death, an entire half year since life seemed too difficult for me to handle. I still had my bad days, don’t get me wrong, everyone had them; but, I was still fighting, (and winning), every day for happiness. It’s not easy, but it’s possible. The cuts and gashes that littered my skin have healed completely, and I was working on letting the scars fade. They were still there for the steady reminder that I was at war with my mind once, but I left behind the battle scars to show that I survived. Kellin, who gained a couple, beautiful, deserving pounds and whose hair was getting longer, touching his shoulders now, was by my side every step of the way. Every time I would slip back into my old routine, even the slightest, he would pick me back up and scold me lovingly. But then he would hold me and hum that simple tune until I felt better, dragging me out of the house right after in search for whatever adventure came our way just to keep my mind off of things. He was my everything and sometimes, I felt guilty for relying on a person that much to keep me sane, but I don’t think Kellin minded. He loved the attention and he loved to comfort me. I loved him with all my heart, and he deserved every award for the most personable boyfriend ever.

“Yes, it is,” Kellin pushed, standing behind me. I could feel his eyes on me and suddenly I became nervous. A cold, trepidatious sweat broke out on my forehead and I pulled and cracked my fingers out of bad habit.

“What makes you think that?” I questioned, turning slightly to look him in the eyes. He blinked with a small smile on his face, his bright irises showing no lies.

“Because, it’s the next step to recovery! Now, go get them,” he pestered, shoving me playfully out the door.

Stopping midway, I set my hands on the outlining of the door, my fingers digging into the hooks and latches. “I don’t know,” I whispered to the tile on the floor. “I don’t think I can do this.”

Kellin smiled at me again, walking towards me slowly before cupping my face in his hands. The pads of his fingers brushed my ears softly, calming me in a way that I could never understand. Kellin had that effect on me. With just a simple touch he could instantly calm me, even if I was jumping off the walls in rampage. “Yes, you can. I believe in you, Vic. You’re stronger than this and you can make it without it, ‘kay? You’re already three months free, right? I believe in you, trust me.” I sighed heavily, hanging my head only for him to bring it back up to eye level by my chin. “Trust me,” he repeated quietly. I stared at him for a couple more seconds, my lower lip jutting out before I nodded willingly, turning around and walking slowly across the hall and to my room.

I pushed the door open with a creak, immediately going to my bedside table. Pulling back the drawer, I fished through the contents. Loose pieces of paper with scribbled lyrics, pens and pencils, candy wrappers, the cherry flavored bottle of lubricant that was already close to being empty, and Kellin and I’s stash of condoms of course. Finally, I managed to get to the bottom of the drawer, and I picked at random sticker, a huge one in the shape of a skateboard that I had stuck there ages ago. The sides were peeling now and it didn’t stick as well as it did six months ago, but it did the job perfectly. After Mike had found me in the bathroom earlier in the year, I stopped hiding my blades in Band Aid box, mainly because Mike started to take notice of the hiding place and I was just plain paranoid. Scratching at the sticker with my short nails, I easily pulled back the paper, revealing every single blade that I ever used. With a shaky sigh, I snatched them in my fists, relaxing my palm to study them. Some of the blades were short, others long, some a rectangular shape and some with a curved edge, but they all had the same purpose. Clenching my hand around the cold metal, I closed the drawer with my foot and walked back to the bathroom where Kellin was waiting for me, leaning against the countertop. When he spotted me, he smiled softly and stood upright, meeting me halfway at the great porcelain throne.

“Ready?” He breathed, placing a comforting hand at the small of my back.

“I think so,” I choked, my fist tight around the blades that I had once used for my only release for all of the feelings that were bottled up inside of me, creating a monster not even I could conquer.

“You think so?” Kellin chimed with a bubbly laugh. “You don’t sound very convincing, Vic.” Even at serious times, he still managed to find a joke to pass around. “I’ll ask again… Are you ready?”

“Yes,” I said a bit boldly, looking at him expectantly. Kellin smiled at me warmly, his teeth bright and his lips looking soft and edible. He nodded at me silently, crossing his arms and pecking my cheek quickly. With another shaky sigh, I raised my fist, letting it hover over the toilet bowl. My hand began to shake slightly, making it hard for me to concentrate. Could I really do this? Could I live without their promising numb feeling? “Kellin?” I urged him nervously.

“It’s okay,” he told me, grabbing my free hand and lacing our fingers together then squeezing reassuringly. “You can do this, Vic.”

I nodded for the millionth time today, taking a deep breathe before releasing the tight hold I had, allowing them to fall with a plunk into the toilet. The pieces of metal floated down the bottom where they swayed there for a second before stilling. I stared at them for a moment, realizing what I had just done. Before I could second guess it, I quickly reached out and pressed down on the handle, watching as the bowl was overflowed with rushing water, and the blades were finally flushed down the drain. I turned as fast as I could, trying to catch Kellin’s reaction. He was smiling at me like he was just a few seconds ago, but he had a glassy look in his eyes. “Kellin?”

“Vic,” he responded quietly, taking my face in his hands again and bringing me closer to him. He brushed our noses together, breathing me in and I closed my eyes in content. “I’m proud,” he finally said.

“And I’m proud of you, too, Kellin,” I said, my hands gripping the shirt on his back. “I know how hard it was for you to gain that weight but you look so beautiful.”

Kellin’s light giggle echoed in the bathroom, and I could tell it really made him happy to hear those words. “C’mon,” Kellin smiled at me. “They’re probably waiting for us.”

Taking my hand and lacing our fingers together, he pulled me out of the bathroom, huge grins plastered on both of our faces. We ran past my parents in the living room, waving at them and smiling from cheek to cheek. Pushing the sliding door open, a gust of warm wind immediately hit me in the face, the air smelling fresh and I squinted at the sunlight. Jaime and Tony sat criss-cross on the grass, playing the game where you have to pull your hands away quickly before the other person could slap them; Tony was losing. Alex stood at the base of the one the gigantic trees in our backyard, watching Jesse climb up the strong branches. Jesse called down to Alex multiple times, waving and screaming about high he was up the tree. Mike sat with Jenna, Mike’s drumsticks in Jenna’s hands as she proceeded to use his knees as drums. “Finished making out?” Mike called to us with a smile, earning a warning glare from me.

Kellin and I took our usual spots under Oli’s tree. It growed a little bit in the past six months, at the beginning it was at my waist, now it was slightly past my shoulders. Small, pink flowers had bloomed from the leaves two months back, and now petals slowly fell off the branches, dancing and whipping in the wind in colorful wisps. Petals lay in piles in the backyard, while some flowers were still staying strong on the branches. It was a sign of life, a sign of a new beginning, because not just humans die and come back to life. Kellin sat behind me, wrapping his arms around me and allowing me to relax in between his open legs. I looked up, my head falling onto his shoulder. Pink petals flitted across the warm, blue sky, not a cloud in sight. This was the new beginning I thought as I watched petals fly across the sky and over the top of our roof, finding new pathways to fly on.

“Vic?” Kellin suddenly whispered against the back of neck, sending goosebumps up my arms.

“Yeah?” I smiled, looking at each and every one of my friends.

“I love you, silly.”

“I love you more,” I shot back with a winning grin, turning to find him glaring at me playfully. His skin looked milky, his cheeks a soft pink, and his raven hair lifted and fell in the breeze. His ice-cold eyes squinted at mine, a smile obviously stretching on his lips from the crinkles at the edges of his eyes.

“Not possible.”

Smiling, I closed the distance between us, pecking him softly, both us in no need for the dramatic simplicities that could happen during a kiss. It was light, hardly even there, but it still was, describing what thousands of words from the dictionary couldn’t.