I'll Make You Feel Beautiful Once Again

We actually made some progress today during group therapy, and well I’m just surprised that we talked so much. I mean, fuck, words seemed almost foreign in my ears when we all opened our mouths to spill our guts. Andy ranted for a couple minutes about this chick that didn’t call him back, and he told us he didn’t understand because she was so turned on by his Insect Theory. I swear, that kid is an idiot because no one, and I mean no one, is turned on by his fucking Insect Theory. Jaime rambled on for a good ten minutes about random things that none of us could really understand, but hell, it made me happy to see that he could get it out of his system. For the past few days where we sat there in silence, he was practically dying in his chair to talk and let it out, and I never knew why he didn’t just say something. Nothing was really holding him back. Hayley told us, well she whispered to us, that she didn’t want to be here, and that made all of us chuckle and nod in agreement, however, there was something inside of me that was telling me that all of us were lying. Kellin said that he missed his dad. Mr.Williams asked him where he was, and Kellin just shook his head, silently refusing to answer that question.

But really the most vivid thing that I remember at therapy today was Oliver.

He sat up straight with his fingers laced together in his lap. He looked down at his feet while breathing through his nose for a couple of seconds. “I’m sad… I’m angry… I’m confused… I’m lonely,” he told us. Mr.Williams, of course, asked him why he was so sad, angry, confused, and lonely. Oliver only responded with, “Reasons.” Out of all honesty, I was completely surprised. I really didn’t expect that to come out of his mouth. And I couldn’t help but agree. Yet, that made me even more sad, angry, confused, and lonely to admit that to myself.

The only person who didn’t say anything in therapy today, was myself. “Pass,” I had mumbled. Everyone groaned at me and waved me away; obviously annoyed that I was the only guy who still didn’t want to open up. But fuck, I don’t want to tell them everything about myself. I’m too embarrassed for them to know that I think that my life is so horrible and miserable that I want to end it. I wasn’t going to open up to them. Ever.

At the moment, I was laying on my stomach on my bed, listening to the cassettes I brought with me. Good Riddance by Green Day was pouring out of my headphones as I shifted my weight to stare at the ceiling. Kellin lay on his bed too, listening to Garbage. I don’t really know why he liked them. He told me it was because they sounded different. I only scoffed, earning myself a playful smack on the shoulder. The lights went off a couple hours ago, but really who thought we were actually going to sleep?

Secretively, I had been stealing glances over at Kellin. He was lying off of the side of his bed, his head hanging upside down with his eyes closed. He was so beautiful, and I didn’t know why I thought that of him. I know for a fact that I liked girls, but now here he was, testing that fact. He sent my heart spiraling down to my stomach, and I got the butterflies whenever I looked at him. He seemed so small, and fragile, despite his confident demeanor, and all I wanted to do was hold him. Hold him close. Maybe even ki-

Suddenly, the handle on our door started to jiggle, interrupting my thoughts and causing both Kellin and I to sit up on our beds in anticipation. The door opened with a creek and moan, revealing a smirking Oliver. “Mates, your door is an arse to open. I mean, fuck,” he laughed, holding up a bobby pin in his long fingers.

“Dude! What are you doing in here?” Kellin scolded with a laugh. He stood up from his bed and walked over to Oliver who had slipped into our room, closing the door behind him softly.

“We’re all going to go… well, as you ‘Americans’ would call it, ‘blaze some dubs’,” he told us, furrowing his eyebrows when he said “Americans” and using air quotes.

“Blaze some dubs?” I asked, rising from my bed and sauntering over to them.

“Smoke weed,” Kellin whispered to me then giggled and winked.
“Looks like someone needs to brush up on their street talk.”

“Shuddup,” I laughed, shoving him lightly, hoping he couldn’t see my blushing cheeks.

“Alright, you wankers need to stop flirting. Are you comin’ or no?” Oliver asked, exasperated with us.

“Yeah, we’ll go!” Kellin smiled enthusiastically, wrapping his small fingers around my wrist and pulling me after Oliver. I didn’t even have time to protest before we were sneaking back into the hallway, and I noticed the others were slipping out of their rooms as well. Some looked calm and cool, and others were silently freaking out. My heart raced and my fingers tingled in worry. What if were caught? Would that affect my grade? Would I be suspended?

“Won’t we get caught?” I whispered to Oliver as he led the group down the corridors.

“Nope,” he smiled at me. “There aren’t any cameras around or alarms or guards and the old man sleeps like rock, I mean, damn if you went up to him and screamed bloody murder into his ear, he wouldn’t even stir.”

“How do you know that?” I challenged him.

“I’ve been going here for three years, mate. Since my Freshman year I recall. I’m a fucking Junior now, blimey.”

I nodded and kept my eyes on the floor as we walked down the twists and turns of the facility. Finally, we had made our way to the back of the building that led to the playground, and Oliver was shoving his bobby pin into the lock. It didn’t take long for the knob to click, allowing us to sneak outside. The blue moon created an ominous glow to the playground, stretching out the shadows that covered us in complete darkness. We all followed Oliver across the grass, letting him lead us into the woods behind the plastic play set. “Where are we going?” I whispered to Oliver as he turned to smirk at me with a devilish grin.

“The Watering Hole,” he responded before taking a path that was disguised with trees. A couple of minutes later, we approached a small creek which ran through the forest quietly. Frogs croaked and crickets chirped along the banks. A few blue, plastic chairs and wooden desks, obviously stolen from the facility, sat in a big circle around a huge pile of ashes. “Welcome mates, to the Watering Hole!” Oliver told us, spreading his arms dramatically. “Take a seat and we’ll pass it around. Where’s skunk boy? Skunk boy?” He called out to the group. Andy shoved Jaime out into the open towards Oliver, and Jaime tripped a little over the scattered sticks.

“My name… is Jaime. Not Skunk boy,” he grumbled to Oliver who only smirked again.

“Okay, Skunk boy,” he teased. “You got the stuff?” Jaime nodded and blushed madly as Oliver shoved his hand down Jaime’s pants, carefully digging around. After a few seconds, he pulled out a medium sized roll of well, marijuana. Kellin giggled next to me, pressing his arm to my shoulder.

“Why the hell is the weed in Jaime’s pants?” Mike chuckled with his arms crossed.

“Well, where else would you hide it?” Oliver laughed along with Mike. “The trousers were a definite hiding place.”

Jaime grumbled stubbornly and grabbed Tony who patted his back soothingly. They sat down and we all followed and watched Oliver closely, who had a couple of slips of paper laid out on the top of one of the desks. He carefully poured some dope into the sheets, and then rolled. He pulled out a blue lighter, and ran the flame over the rolled sheets of paper then twisted the ends. “Ace,” he grinned before passing out random rolls to people. “There ya go, totty,” he winked at Jenna while handing her a roll. She blushed a soft pink and accepted it. She brought the roll up to her lips and looked up at Oliver, expecting him to light it for her. He smiled at her slyly while the flame lit the weed. And seriously, what the fuck, he didn’t even avert his eyes as Jenna inhaled slowly then formed her lips into an “O”, allowing the smoke to snake over her head and all over Oliver.

“Jenna! What the hell?” Hayley hissed next to her, staring at her friend in disbelief.

“Oh, come on, Hayley,” Jenna giggled. “Lighten up… have some fun!”

“She’s right.” Beau agreed with her, taking a hit from Austin who had coughed violently when he had inhaled. “We’ve been in deep shit since school started; it’s time to forget all that.”

Beau passed the joint over to Jaime, who willingly took a hit, then handed it over to Tony, who passed. “If I don’t see Batman… or seagulls or some shit after I take this, I’m goin’ apeshit,” Andy told us, but most of us just ignored him. No one ever understood what the hell he was talking about, damn.

Gerard and Matty both passed along with Tony, earning a few boos from Oliver himself. By the time the three joints went around twice, (do the math, six hits per person), I was feeling really buzzed. My mind was fuzzy and my eyes burned like they were on fire. Every time the weed went rushing into my system, all of my worries seemed to disappear. Vanish instantly. And fuck, did it feel good to not have those haunting memories in my mind.

Kellin giggled hysterically next to me, highly amused when Mike tried to eat the smoke rings that he blew out of his big lips. Mike laughed along with him while passing him the roll. Kellin took it in his nimble fingers and turned to look at me with a dopey grin on his face. “Wanna play hooky with me, Vic?” He asked me, his voice deep, (well deep for Kellin), in his throat. I nodded stupidly with a goofy grin pulling on my lips as I watched him inhale, the joint placed carefully in between his pink lips. Holding his breath, he leaned in close to me, our lips almost touching as he released the smoke into me. The smoke drifted under our noses, almost bringing us closer. And hell, before I knew it, Kellin’s lips were on mine. He kissed me softly, and he tasted like mint and weed. Fuck do you actually think I wouldn’t kiss him back? Our lips meshed together lightly, small smacking noises eliciting from us. His lips were like feathers on mine, careful and delicate as he smirked into the kiss. We received heavy “whoops” and cheers from the others, I mean, of course they cheered us on, since they were too high to object. I pulled away, gasping and out of breath. Kellin smiled at me, bringing the joint back to his lips and inhaling.

The joints were passed around a couple more times before I was pulled from my seat and dragged into the woods. This person released his grip on me as we walked down the path, passing the roll occasionally. “Bloody hell, Victor. That was some snogging back there,” Oliver chuckled next to me after he blew a huff of smoke into the air.

I laughed hysterically, clutching my stomach and staring at Oliver. He laughed along with me, his snickers much more discreet and quiet. “I…haha, huh… I don’t really know what happened. He kinda just… kissed me!” I cried.

“Yes, I saw the whole thing. Horny little fuckers you two are,” he smiled at me, flicking the stub into the rushing creek. We were silent for a couple minutes as we made our way deeper into the woods, trying not to stumble and laughing tauntingly at whoever did. “Oui, wanna know something?” Oliver suddenly asked me.

“What, what, what?” I asked, my eyes going wide as I tried to hold back my giggles.

“Okay, listen up, mate because your mind is somewhere else right now,” he explained with a grin. I nodded quickly with a smile and urged him to go on. “Andy… you know the tall, pale one, is here ‘cause he has ADD, well of course, that’s quite obvious. Austin, tall, scary, but actually as sweet as a teddy-bear guy, is here for his panic disorder and depression; really you would’ve never guess but, he’s just plain sad,” he told me and I grew silent next to him, oblivious that this wasn’t right. I shouldn’t be listening to my friends’ secrets, but holy shit, I couldn’t think so clearly at the moment. “Your brother, alcoholic, drug abuse, and anger issues. Well, you know why you’re in here of course…

“Blonde, cute accent… anxiety of course. Red-head, seems to have a stick up her ass, poor thing, bullied. Can you believe that? Um, let’s see. Ah, that Jesse fellow; well, this is quite amusing but he has this mood disorder thing. A narcissistic personality disorder, which means he expects constant attention. Maybe that’s why he’s so loud all of the fucking time…”

I walked next to him in silence, listening closely to the confidential information that he was feeding me.

“Skunk boy, ADHD, which is obvious I mean, look at the damn kid. Blimey, he can’t keep still for more than two seconds. The one that’s always with Skunk boy, Tony is his name, depression of course. Now, Gerard, the creepy one with the eyes,” Oliver smiled at me, shaking his head. “Mate, he is an alcoholic, he’s depressed, and he suffers from this psychotic disorder… no wonder, the kid looks potty.

“Beau, cute name in my opinion, schizophrenic… which surprises me. Just by looking at him, I mean, it’s not even obvious.” Oliver laughed, turning to face me.

“Wait, wait, wait,” I stopped him. “How do you know all of this stuff?”

“Well,” Oliver started with a small chuckle. He dug a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket and offered one to me. I passed, and waited for his answer as he lit one and let it hang from his lips.

“Mr.Williams trusts me, so sometimes he lets me go into his office and organize his stuff… organizing calms me, by the way. So, I read all your guys’ files.” He told me bluntly.

“What!?” I exclaimed, staring at him in disbelief. “Why would you do that? That’s so rude!”

“I was bored, mate!” He said, holding his hands up in defense. “Plus, all you wankers are pretty interesting. Especially you,” he added winking at me. “Now, to finish up! Matty, the ginger, has a stuttering problem, obviously, and since he has a stuttering problem, he suffers from social phobia. Quite sad actually…

"Yours truly,” he grinned. “Suffers from bipolar disorder, anger issues, and if you couldn’t already tell,” he paused, extending his exposed arms towards me before taking a drag of his cigarette, “Self-harm issues.”

“But wait, if you’re bipolar and you have anger issues, then why are you smiling all the goddamn time?” I shot at him.

“That’s easy,” he smiled once again. “It just comes out randomly and jumps at you, you know? It’s basically like; I randomly wake up with it. It comes and goes…”

“Oh… okay.”

“And your little boyfriend Kelsy…"

“No,” I stopped him abruptly. “I don’t want to hear about him.”

“Why not, Victor?” Oliver asked, another grin pulling at his lips.

“I dunno…” I sighed. “I guess I want him to tell me himself, you know?”

“Ace,” he laughed. “And that’s why I like you, mate. You respect the people you care about, and that’s what makes you so interesting. You know,” he added. “I pulled you out here because we can relate to each other.”

I nodded, staring at him as he stopped in the middle of the path and smiled at me. “You’re beautiful, you know that?” I blurted. “Despite the scars.”

“Cheers, Victor,” he laughed, slinging his arm around my neck and placing a meaningless kiss to my cheek. “Come on… let’s head back.”

Notes:
Ace (“Awesome”)
Totty (“Nice girl”)
Snogging (“Kissing”)
Potty (“Crazy”)
Wanker (“Jerk”)