Painting Virgin Skin

I hang up the phone with Nick and sigh. This was the first phone call in six weeks. I couldn't even talk long because I am in the middle of pratice. When he said it would get hard I didn’t think it would be this hard. I barely hear from him at all, ever. I get that he has 12 locations opening and a central office to get up and running. I don't know, I just thought, I mean everything is happening at once, but….Can I really have a but about this when he warned me? I think back on that phone call from six months ago, he asked me if I was sure and I, so firmly said I had to try. This was all my own doing. In these past six months I have gotten ten text messages and four phone calls in total from Nick. This is worse than I ever thought it would be. I am not sure if I can handle this anymore. I mean he was supposed come here two months ago but he has to keep pushing the trip back because of work. I am starting to doubt that I will ever see him again.

I watch the girls go through their routine with a heavy heart. Today I have to break up with Nick, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t live as an afterthought. I wonder if he talks to Ruby more then he talks to me. I am sure he has time to talk to Carol. I shake my head, no need for negative thoughts, not when I am supposed to helping these girls cheer on their teams. So I force a smile and focus on my job, this is my true love. This is the one thing that I will always have.

I drag my feet as I make my way home after practice. I trip up the stairs to my apartment and ignore the slight sting in my foot as I bang my foot against the top step. I pull open my door, it feels heavier than usually or maybe I just feel drained from all this emotion. I plop onto my couch and start crying from the emotional exhaustion I feel. My body shaking with the sheer force of my sorrow. I finally get the guy I love more than anything and I can’t actually have him. All I can do is say I had one amazing week with him, one week of promise and potential. The best week I have ever had thus far in life.

“Dixie?” I look up startled at Ruby’s voice.

I wipe my face with my sleeve and sniffle before smiling, “Oh hey Ruby. I didn’t know you were coming over today.”

“I wanted to surprise you.” I could see the concern written all over her face. She makes her way over to the couch and sits next to me. She faces me, “do you want to tell me why you are crying?”

“I can’t do it.” I bury my face into my hands and start crying again. “Nick…and….I” I hiccup, “we never, eeeever, ever, talk.” I force myself to calm down and remove my hands from my face, “the distance, the work load, it’s all unbearable. I can’t do it anymore Ruby. I have to leave for my sanity.”

She grabs my hand and stays silent for a few minutes, “Dixie, why don’t you talk to Nick about this? I know that he has told you that if it’s too hard you can always leave. You know that more than anything he wants security, to never have to end up at the mercy of the system again. I know it may sound cruel but right now that is more important to him than you are.” She squeezes my hand and I just stare at our hands together. “I am not saying that he doesn’t care about you or even love you but Nick’s fear is stronger than anything else he is going through right now.”

I wish I had the words to argue with that statement but everything she said is the truth. Nick is more afraid of ending up with nothing than losing me. My heart aches but a part of me feels a strange peace. Maybe I just needed someone else to confirm what I already knew, I am not that important to Nick. I nod and get up from the couch, I walk over to my seldom used house phone. I have this weird feeling that if I call Nick from this number he would pick up, probably thinking I am investor or something. My hunch was right when he picks up after half a ring.

“Hello this is Nick speaking.” His voice melts some of my resolve, until I hear his boys laugh in the background. He is having a great time with friends while I have to sit here and pine away, I think not. “Hello?” he says after a few moments of silence, "is anyone there?"

“I can’t do this anymore.” I speak low, but I am certain that he hears me.

“Dixie?” He sounds shocked, sad, guilt and tired suddenly.

“Yes Nick, it’s me.” I bite my lip, trying not to cry because I am not sure if I will ever hear him call my name like that again.

“Hey,” I could hear that he was nervous.

“Hey, did you hear what I said.” I said calmly.

He got quite, “yeah, I guess I was just hoping that I imagined it.”

“I am sorry Nick,” I refuse to cry on this phone call, “this is just too hard.”

“Yeah, I get it.” I hear the phone shuffle a bit and he clears his throat, “well, thanks for trying.”

I hang up because I have no idea what I should even say after that. I feel like my heart has sunk down to my feet and I am being weighed down in that spot I am standing in.