I Always Hurt the Ones I Love
I didn't mean to...
This world is so unpredictable.
You never know what’s waiting for you around the corner.
I never knew he waited for me around the corner. Well, he wasn’t waiting for me, he was waiting for his brother, Mikey, who happened to be with me. He was waiting for us after school. He was supposed to pick us up, because I was staying with them this weekend.
He smiled at me, and I blushed, of course. His smile always made me blush. He was just so… Kind. Down to earth. Relaxed. He wasn’t in a hurry, he had all the time in the world. His whole life to make things right.
That made me relax too, when I was with him. It made me calm down. Just enjoy life. Notice the small things, like the squirrel in the tree that people never see cause they’re too busy running somewhere. Where the hell are you people running? What you’re looking for is right here. Gerard helped me see that. He helped me when I felt empty. When it felt like I had nothing to offer. I guess, in a way, he saved my life.
He could make all bad things seem bright. Like, when everyone at school called me things like ‘mama’s boy’, or ‘pansy’. When he found out, he just laughed. He stretched out his hand to ruffle my hair and said “Come on! Pansy isn’t that bad… It’s kinda cute.” And then it was okay. It became his nickname for me, and I didn’t mind. It just sounded so optimistic coming out o his mouth.
The day he picked us up, that was the day I asked Gerard to be my boyfriend. Well, rather night. Or morning. It was 3 a.m. And he said yes. Out of
all the things he could’ve said. All the rejections I imagined, he picked the best one. The unthinkable one. Approval.
I’d never been happier. I had everything I’d ever wanted, now that I had him. It was an ecstatic feeling. M life was finally complete. It was obvious to everyone that we felt something for each other, but it was only after that one special Christmas Eve, when he kissed me under the mistletoe, that I dared to do something about it. Because then, I had, in a way, gotten his permission to carry on if I wanted it to be something more than just a feeling. And now it was more than just a feeling. It was a status. And it was perfect.
And, of course, that meant that something would happen. That was my curse. Nothing good ever happened to me without something bad following it.
Just one month after we were officially together, my band had its first gig. It was at a small, crowded club, but it didn’t matter. Everyone has to start somewhere, right?
I was so anxious. Gerard wasn’t here. We would be on any second, and he still hadn’t shown up. I waited for ages. Gerard was never late. Why would he start now, on such an important day? And now we had to play. I wanted to stop them. I wanted to tell them that we couldn’t play yet, because my baby was running late, and he had to be here. I wanted to tell them that, but I didn’t.
I tried to stretch the time, tuning my guitar painfully slow. Went to the bathroom 4 times, hoping that by the time I came out, he’d be there.
But he didn’t show.
I kept glancing at the door through the whole song. I was so distant. I was sweating, and all the butterflies in my stomach made me want to throw up at the spot. But I had my eyes on the entrance the entire time, thinking he will walk through that door any moment and see me up here, and be proud of me.
Then it was over. And he was still not here. He was nowhere to be seen.
Not even knowing it myself, I tossed my guitar on the floor and walked off to the toilet, sobbing my eyes out. Why wasn’t he there? He knew how much this meant to me. What is he doing? Right now, what is he doing? The worst thoughts started crossing my mind: He didn’t care. He forgot. He was with someone else.
What if he was with someone else? I started thinking about last week. How his cell would ring constantly, and he would exit the room and whisper something indistinct down the phone. And when I showed him the guitar I wanted, the white one that I had dreamt of for almost 6 years now, and was still saving up to buy. He just nodded and mumbled ‘pretty’, looking so distant I wasn’t even sure if he was looking at it or past it.
It was also our anniversary today. One month. Did he forget that too? I washed my face and dried it off, but it didn’t help, and I felt more tears run down my face, making me repeat the whole procedure.
If he was cheating on me, or maybe even had a relationship before we became a couple, then why did he say yes to me? What was the point? Did he want to hurt me on purpose? Was he lying, just so he could use me?
I found my cell phone, considering calling Mikey and ask him if he knew where his brother was.
I had 14 missed calls. 3 messages. 12 of them were from Mikey, and a couple were from an unfamiliar number.
I checked my messages, and my heart stopped. It stopped in unison with my brain saying what an idiot I am.
Gerard didn’t forget. Gerard didn’t cheat. He was in the hospital. He had been involved in a car accident, trying to reach the club in time. He was now in a coma according to Mikey’s second message. I was devastated. But it was the third one that hurt the most.
“Frankie… Ge- Gerard… Gerard is dead.”
That was all he said before he hung up, trying to hide the sobs on the other line.
How could all of this have happened without me knowing? And now having it crash down upon the through an answering machine.
I stayed still for a minute before screaming a gut wrenching ‘no’ into the room. I collapsed on the floor and stayed there for what felt like an eternity, feeling my heart tear inside my chest. My vision was blurry and I couldn’t see anything.
I carelessly stumbled out of the bathroom, and up the stairs, all the way to the roof of the building. It was so quiet here. Painfully quiet, but I just wanted to be alone.
The building turned out to be tall, and I could see the whole city from here. And the sunset. The sunset that was nothing without Gerard next to me.
That was my curse. Hurting everyone I loved. What are the odds of his car colliding on his way to see me? I had a million of other examples, all through my childhood.
I always hurt the ones I love.
What do I do now?
I walked to the edge of the building, remembering what my life used to be like before Gerard was in it. All the bad memories. I didn’t want to go back to that. I only saw one solution to my problem. One way out. And I chose to take it. I was already dead. It would only hurt more to keep on living when my life was over. And each day, each moment, each empty space of time without him, would just make it worse.
I didn’t believe in heaven. And even if I did, I wouldn’t go there. After everything I had done, all the pain I had caused, the only place I could go, was hell. It didn’t matter. This is my hell. My nightmare come true.
Without wasting another second, I looked at the bleeding sun once again before taking a step forward.
And everything stopped.
What I didn’t know, was that the second my life had ended, Mikey was leaving a fourth message on my machine. This time saying that it was a mistake, and that Gerard had woken up, exactly 28 minutes after he had died.
Twenty eight. Ironic. It was February. Our anniversary.
And I had ended it, before even hearing the life changing message. It was too late.
While Gerard was coming to his senses, while someone was calling the ambulance to report a body on the concrete, the police was pulling out a guitar case from the backseat of Gerard’s car, decorated with a big, red bow on top. Inside it was the polished, white guitar with five big letters written across its body.
P.A.N.S.Y.
As time passed, and both Mikey and Gerard heard the news about my tragic death, Gerard died a second time. On the inside. He mourned for the longest time, not being able to get over the fact that I was dead. He wished that he hadn’t woken up, cause then we could be together forever. He made promises to my corpse, kneeling in front of my tombstone. He swore that he would never be able to move on. And I had no idea that all of it was happening, frozen in that one moment, still thinking he was the one who was gone.
Gerard believed in a thing called heaven. He believed that that’s where we would meet. But I only knew of life and death. And even though I preferred to believe a lie if it meant being with Gerard again, I knew that we would never see each other again.
He'll have a better life without me. I've done a lot of things I regret, things I wish had never happened. I've hurt him too many times. At least this way I know he'll be okay. But after everything that's happened, even though I don't believe in forgiveness, I don't believe in second lives, I'll still wait for him for the rest of my...
Death?
You never know what’s waiting for you around the corner.
I never knew he waited for me around the corner. Well, he wasn’t waiting for me, he was waiting for his brother, Mikey, who happened to be with me. He was waiting for us after school. He was supposed to pick us up, because I was staying with them this weekend.
He smiled at me, and I blushed, of course. His smile always made me blush. He was just so… Kind. Down to earth. Relaxed. He wasn’t in a hurry, he had all the time in the world. His whole life to make things right.
That made me relax too, when I was with him. It made me calm down. Just enjoy life. Notice the small things, like the squirrel in the tree that people never see cause they’re too busy running somewhere. Where the hell are you people running? What you’re looking for is right here. Gerard helped me see that. He helped me when I felt empty. When it felt like I had nothing to offer. I guess, in a way, he saved my life.
He could make all bad things seem bright. Like, when everyone at school called me things like ‘mama’s boy’, or ‘pansy’. When he found out, he just laughed. He stretched out his hand to ruffle my hair and said “Come on! Pansy isn’t that bad… It’s kinda cute.” And then it was okay. It became his nickname for me, and I didn’t mind. It just sounded so optimistic coming out o his mouth.
The day he picked us up, that was the day I asked Gerard to be my boyfriend. Well, rather night. Or morning. It was 3 a.m. And he said yes. Out of
all the things he could’ve said. All the rejections I imagined, he picked the best one. The unthinkable one. Approval.
I’d never been happier. I had everything I’d ever wanted, now that I had him. It was an ecstatic feeling. M life was finally complete. It was obvious to everyone that we felt something for each other, but it was only after that one special Christmas Eve, when he kissed me under the mistletoe, that I dared to do something about it. Because then, I had, in a way, gotten his permission to carry on if I wanted it to be something more than just a feeling. And now it was more than just a feeling. It was a status. And it was perfect.
And, of course, that meant that something would happen. That was my curse. Nothing good ever happened to me without something bad following it.
Just one month after we were officially together, my band had its first gig. It was at a small, crowded club, but it didn’t matter. Everyone has to start somewhere, right?
I was so anxious. Gerard wasn’t here. We would be on any second, and he still hadn’t shown up. I waited for ages. Gerard was never late. Why would he start now, on such an important day? And now we had to play. I wanted to stop them. I wanted to tell them that we couldn’t play yet, because my baby was running late, and he had to be here. I wanted to tell them that, but I didn’t.
I tried to stretch the time, tuning my guitar painfully slow. Went to the bathroom 4 times, hoping that by the time I came out, he’d be there.
But he didn’t show.
I kept glancing at the door through the whole song. I was so distant. I was sweating, and all the butterflies in my stomach made me want to throw up at the spot. But I had my eyes on the entrance the entire time, thinking he will walk through that door any moment and see me up here, and be proud of me.
Then it was over. And he was still not here. He was nowhere to be seen.
Not even knowing it myself, I tossed my guitar on the floor and walked off to the toilet, sobbing my eyes out. Why wasn’t he there? He knew how much this meant to me. What is he doing? Right now, what is he doing? The worst thoughts started crossing my mind: He didn’t care. He forgot. He was with someone else.
What if he was with someone else? I started thinking about last week. How his cell would ring constantly, and he would exit the room and whisper something indistinct down the phone. And when I showed him the guitar I wanted, the white one that I had dreamt of for almost 6 years now, and was still saving up to buy. He just nodded and mumbled ‘pretty’, looking so distant I wasn’t even sure if he was looking at it or past it.
It was also our anniversary today. One month. Did he forget that too? I washed my face and dried it off, but it didn’t help, and I felt more tears run down my face, making me repeat the whole procedure.
If he was cheating on me, or maybe even had a relationship before we became a couple, then why did he say yes to me? What was the point? Did he want to hurt me on purpose? Was he lying, just so he could use me?
I found my cell phone, considering calling Mikey and ask him if he knew where his brother was.
I had 14 missed calls. 3 messages. 12 of them were from Mikey, and a couple were from an unfamiliar number.
I checked my messages, and my heart stopped. It stopped in unison with my brain saying what an idiot I am.
Gerard didn’t forget. Gerard didn’t cheat. He was in the hospital. He had been involved in a car accident, trying to reach the club in time. He was now in a coma according to Mikey’s second message. I was devastated. But it was the third one that hurt the most.
“Frankie… Ge- Gerard… Gerard is dead.”
That was all he said before he hung up, trying to hide the sobs on the other line.
How could all of this have happened without me knowing? And now having it crash down upon the through an answering machine.
I stayed still for a minute before screaming a gut wrenching ‘no’ into the room. I collapsed on the floor and stayed there for what felt like an eternity, feeling my heart tear inside my chest. My vision was blurry and I couldn’t see anything.
I carelessly stumbled out of the bathroom, and up the stairs, all the way to the roof of the building. It was so quiet here. Painfully quiet, but I just wanted to be alone.
The building turned out to be tall, and I could see the whole city from here. And the sunset. The sunset that was nothing without Gerard next to me.
That was my curse. Hurting everyone I loved. What are the odds of his car colliding on his way to see me? I had a million of other examples, all through my childhood.
I always hurt the ones I love.
What do I do now?
I walked to the edge of the building, remembering what my life used to be like before Gerard was in it. All the bad memories. I didn’t want to go back to that. I only saw one solution to my problem. One way out. And I chose to take it. I was already dead. It would only hurt more to keep on living when my life was over. And each day, each moment, each empty space of time without him, would just make it worse.
I didn’t believe in heaven. And even if I did, I wouldn’t go there. After everything I had done, all the pain I had caused, the only place I could go, was hell. It didn’t matter. This is my hell. My nightmare come true.
Without wasting another second, I looked at the bleeding sun once again before taking a step forward.
And everything stopped.
What I didn’t know, was that the second my life had ended, Mikey was leaving a fourth message on my machine. This time saying that it was a mistake, and that Gerard had woken up, exactly 28 minutes after he had died.
Twenty eight. Ironic. It was February. Our anniversary.
And I had ended it, before even hearing the life changing message. It was too late.
While Gerard was coming to his senses, while someone was calling the ambulance to report a body on the concrete, the police was pulling out a guitar case from the backseat of Gerard’s car, decorated with a big, red bow on top. Inside it was the polished, white guitar with five big letters written across its body.
P.A.N.S.Y.
As time passed, and both Mikey and Gerard heard the news about my tragic death, Gerard died a second time. On the inside. He mourned for the longest time, not being able to get over the fact that I was dead. He wished that he hadn’t woken up, cause then we could be together forever. He made promises to my corpse, kneeling in front of my tombstone. He swore that he would never be able to move on. And I had no idea that all of it was happening, frozen in that one moment, still thinking he was the one who was gone.
Gerard believed in a thing called heaven. He believed that that’s where we would meet. But I only knew of life and death. And even though I preferred to believe a lie if it meant being with Gerard again, I knew that we would never see each other again.
He'll have a better life without me. I've done a lot of things I regret, things I wish had never happened. I've hurt him too many times. At least this way I know he'll be okay. But after everything that's happened, even though I don't believe in forgiveness, I don't believe in second lives, I'll still wait for him for the rest of my...
Death?