Good Enough

I walked down the street, ignoring the passing cars and the irritated pedestrians who wanted to get around me. I ignored the fading sunlight. I ignored the chirping birds in the trees. I just walked.

As I walked, my thoughts overpowered me. I was a mess of memories and regrets. I was a walking ad for what not to do with your life.

In college, I was the girl everyone knew. I was the girl everyone wished they could be or have. A party wasn’t a party without me. Fraternities fought for my stamp of approval. I was that girl. And I was good at being that girl.

Even after I graduated, I was still that girl. The casino owners knew me because I modeled for their ads. They wanted me in their clubs and at their events because I brought business. I don’t think I paid for a drink at a bar in the last four years.

Now, the things I used to be so proud of are the things I wish I could undo. I’ve slept with more guys than I can count. I’ve been drunk off my ass more times than I can remember. My past is colorful, and not in a good way.

About halfway home, I found a bench on the street and claimed it. I pulled my knees to my chest and stared at the street. The cars passing by were barely blurs of color. The sun was setting beyond the horizon and I knew it would be dark in an hour, but I was in no hurry to face the people I loved.

Mia didn’t understand. She partied with me, but she also had standards. She knew her limits and rarely exceeded them. She would spend a night enjoying herself while keeping one eye on me. I don’t think she ever truly relaxed at a party because she was afraid of the trouble I would get into.

After the millions of lectures she’s given me, and the countless times she’s picked me up from a one-night stand or took care of me during a hangover, I can’t blame her for not having anything to say.

I was lost. I was broken. I was damaged. I can’t possibly expect someone to overlook all of that. Not even Bryden.

The cars passing me were starting to turn on their headlights. The streetlamps were coming on. I needed to get home. So stood and started once again towards home, my feet moving slowly. There was no need to hurry.

A block from home, I paused. I could see the lights on in the house. I could imagine Mia waiting in the kitchen, clutching a cup of tea, which she’d recently started to love. I could imagine Tommy had come over and was trying to make her laugh. I wondered if Bryden would be there. Probably not.

It took another minute to get to the house, and I did my best not to make a scene about getting home. But when you walk out on your best friend at dinner and show up three hours later, you have to expect a commotion.

Mia rushed into the front room from the kitchen, Tommy right behind her. The cup of tea in her hand was set down before she ran and engulfed me in a hug like I’d been lost for years.

“Jacuqi, where have you been?”

“Nowhere. I was just thinking.”

“You took three hours to make a 30 minute walk. I’ve been freaking out. What if you’d been raped What if you’d been kidnapped? What if you’d been hit by a car?”

“Mia, let the girl breathe.” Tommy pulled her off of me and smiled. “I’m glad you’re alright Jax.”

Mia sighed, knowing she’d been worried for no reason. Reclaiming her cup of tea, she moved back into the kitchen.

I moved to follow her when the door burst open behind me. I spun around coming face-to-face with Bryden. He was out of breath and he wasn’t wearing a shirt. Even through the confusion of what he was doing, I couldn’t help but admire the muscled chest he had.

“What’s going on here?” I let the confusion overrule the attraction.

“You’re alright!” I was once again pulled into an overwhelming hug. I returned the gesture, though I was still confused by it.

“Bry, why are you here? And where’s your shirt?”

“Mia told me you didn’t come home. I was worried. I went to help your dad with some things and I didn’t bother putting my shirt back on so I could get here as fast as possible.”

“I’m fine. I just wanted to walk. I had to think and be alone.”

“I was worried.”

“Well, you don’t need to be.” I smiled gently as I pulled from his arms.

“Can we talk?” His eyebrows furrowed as he looked at me. The worry was evident on his face.

“Bry, I’m fine.” I could tell this wasn’t what he wanted to talk about, but I wasn’t sure I could handle that conversation yet.

“Jax, please.” I sighed and nodded moving to the backyard.

We settled into a couple chairs that had been set on the porch. I curled into a ball on the cushion and waited for him to speak. I wasn’t sure I was ready to hear what he wanted to say.

“Jacqui, I love you. I can’t even tell you how much. But I feel like you’re pulling away. Do you want to be in this relationship?”

“Seriously? I moved 250 miles to be with you. I picked up my whole life. That’s the exact opposite of pulling away. How could you ask me that?”

“Because you don’t seem to really want to be here. You don’t act like you want to be with me.”

“What do you want from me? Do you want me to obsess over you? Do you want me to stand outside the studio and scream your name? Do you want me to get a fucking tattoo of your name? Bryden, I haven’t been in a relationship in five years. I have done everything in my power not to get close to people for five years. You know that I’m fucked up. I don’t know what you expect from me.”

“Jacqui, I want you to try. I know your past is messed up. I know the kind of girl you were. I’m just asking you to try. I’m looking past it. I want you. But if you aren’t going to try, I can’t wait around to be hurt again.”

“Again?” I lifted my eyes from the spot on the porch I’d been examining, my eyebrows furrowed.

“Jax, you know watching you leave killed me. I can’t do it again.”

“So you’re going to leave first? Is that what you’re saying?” I could feel the anger boilding just under the surface.

“No, Jacqui. I’m saying, I’m in this. I’m just wondering if you are.”
I swallowed my rebuttal and let out a sigh. My gaze returned to the wooden porch. I couldn’t look at him right now.

“Bry, I was in this. I was excited about it. But then you brought up everything about the club and I’m trying to work it out now. I’m not the same girl I was five years ago. That girl is gone.” I shook my head and tried not to let the tears fall. “If you expect everything to be how it was, you’re going to be disappointed. We’re not in high school any more. I want to be here. I want to be with you. I’m just figuring out how to do that.”

His hand reached out and took mine. He rubbed his calloused fingers over my hands. We sat like that for a moment before he spoke.

“I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad you want to be here. And I know this isn’t going to be easy.” He heaved a sigh. “I want you to figure everything out. Just don’t make me wait forever.”

He placed a kiss to my forehead before he stood up and reentered the house, leaving me once again alone.

I grabbed the pillow from the chair I was sitting on and chucked it across the porch. Everything was so screwed up. Why couldn’t anything work out for me?

I threw myself back into the chair, rubbing my eyes and letting out a groan.

“He does understand your past isn’t pretty.” Beyond my hands, Tommy’s voice swam to my ears. “But you have to understand that he has been pining over you since you left.”

I finally looked up at him, questions shining in my eyes.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, that boy has been on less than ten dates in the last five years. Never a second. No one compared to you. Just remember that, okay?”

Tommy then turned and left me alone again.

Alone with my thoughts.

Alone with my horrible, self-destructing, torturous thoughts.