Not With Haste

“There’s no need to fret so much, dearest.” Eleanor reassured. “It’s only a matter of time before everything’s put to right. Not long now. And once it’s all been settled, you’ll be able to live your life however it is you see fit. Perhaps . . . you’ll even find someone new.”

In the past, Eleanor had actively avoided making such statements. They would’ve been vulgar, ill timed and unappreciated by their recipient, but now that Verena’s divorce had been finalized, Eleanor felt comfortable enough to do so. After all, her daughter was still young. It wasn’t like Verena was going to spend the rest of her life alone, without ever daring to venture into another serious relationship. That would’ve been absolutely ridiculous and impractical. At thirty, Verena was bound to fall in love again, or if not in love, at least in lust. She would at least find someone to pass the time with, and if she were lucky, she might even find someone to try to make a life with again. That was what Eleanor hoped for. That was why Eleanor had uttered those words, but Verena’s furrowed brow made it perfectly clear that the statement had been unwelcomed.

“What I meant to say,” continued Eleanor, doing her best to salvage the situation, “Is that after everything’s been properly settled, you’ll be free to love again, because with the way things turned out, it’s clear that Oscar wasn’t your true love. Whoever that person is, is still out there, waiting. And you’ll find them one day. I know it.”

“They’ve got a long ass wait ahead of them.” Verena muttered, bitterly.

“Vera!” cried her mother in disapproval, shaking her head at her daughter’s poor choice of words.

“Well it’s the truth,” said Verena, defensively. “I’m not the least bit interest in finding true love. The only thing I’m interested in is moving.”

“But there’s no need to.” Eleanor argued. “Your father and I are delighted to have you here. This is your home, after all. Or are we so utterly impossible to live with that you actually want to throw money away by renting?”

“Mom, it’s not that. You know it’s not.” Even at thirty, Verena was still susceptible to her mother’s guilt trips. “I love living with you and dad. After everything that’s happened, it’s been such a relief to know that no matter what, I have a place for me and Dexter to live. You honestly don’t know how much I appreciate everything that you’ve done for me. You . . .” her emotions began to overwhelm her, forcing her to look away until she got them under control again. “ . . . You and dad make me feel like there are still people in the world that love me. And I’ll never forget how safe I felt when I knocked on the door at three in the morning, and you just opened it and held me. After a week of hell and solitude, there was a warm embrace awaiting me.”

“And there always will be.” Eleanor reached out for her daughter’s hand, gently squeezing it. “So stay with us, my darling. Stay with us, and I promise there’ll always be a warm embrace awaiting you. Where else in Los Angeles will you have that? You’ll lease a house that won’t feel like a home. That’s what you’ll have.”

“I’m not planning on leasing a house.”

“Then it’ll be an apartment that’s not fit to be home. Not for you or Dexter.”

“Mom, you’re not getting it. I’m not planning on leasing or buying a house or apartment in LA.” Verena raised her gaze to meet her mother’s. “I can’t stay here anymore.”

“Not this again . . .”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” questioned Verena, defensively.

“It means that you’re not uprooting yourself.” Eleanor firmly stated. “Honestly Verena, we’ve already been through this.”

“We have.” Verena remembered the tearful conversation that took place six and a half months earlier. “You told me that I had to stay and sort things out. And I have. I moved out of the house. I got divorced. I’ve sent in the paperwork to have my legal documents and credit cards changed back to my maiden name. I’ve taken him off my life insurance policy and even my Costco membership. So believe me when I say that I’ve done everything that I had to. And now that that’s been settled, I’m done. I’m tired and I’m leaving. I’m just over it. I’m over LA. I’m over California.”

“Those are just your emotions running wild.” Eleanor only had one child and she couldn’t fathom the thought of her leaving the state. “You’re only saying this because it’s been a hard few months, but it’ll get better. It’ll –”

“It won’t.” Verena stood up and began to pace around her bedroom. “I’ve tried to get on with my life. I’ve done everything that those idiotic self help books say, but I’m not any better now that I was on my wedding day. If anything, I’m worse.”

“You’re not worse.”

“I am.” It was a horrible admission. One that Verena had tried to keep from herself and everyone. “I’ve been trying to move on for seven months, but I haven’t had any luck. I thought that once the divorce was finalized, I’d be okay. But I’m not. Not a day goes by when I don’t miss him. And I hate that. I hate the fact that even though he slept with my cousin, I still love him. I still think about him. Not as much as I used to, of course. I’ve been overworking myself so that I’ll be too exhausted to think, but every once in awhile, I can’t help it. I think about how it used to be. The way we were. And it’s hard not to pick up the phone. It’s hard to keep myself from taking him back. And I hate that. And I hate myself for not hating him like I should. I mean, I know I should hate him, and most of the time, I do. But I’m pissed off and just – ah! You know? Just ah! That’s how I feel most of the time. And I’ve tried to move on and be an adult. I’ve tried to do what other people seem to do so easily, but, uh, I haven’t had any luck. I even started going to a therapist. Can you believe that? I’ve gone to therapy twice a week for the last month and a half, because I thought that might help, but it’s just been a waste of money.”

“My little one, I never –”

“I’m tired of being sad, mom.” It was then that she stopped pacing. It was then that her gaze once again reconnected with her mother’s. “I’m exhausted. And I need to move on with my life. I need to. I can’t live like this anymore. And I know that you think it’s childish of me to run away. Even I think it’s childish! But what else can I do? Stay here and try to force myself to be happy when everything reminds me of the twelve years I spent with Oscar? I can’t. Maybe someone else could. But I can’t. I’m not strong enough for that. So I need to get away for a little while, have myself a chance of scenery.”

“But you don’t have to. Not alone.”

“Mom . . .”

“If you’re set on leaving, then let me accompany you.” Eleanor reached for her daughter’s hands. “You’re my dearest, Vera.”

“I’ll always be your dearest.” Verena reassured. “But I just have to settle myself first.”

“I can help with that,” she said with a mother’s desperation.

“This is something I have to do for myself.” Verena wished her mother could’ve done it for. Life would’ve been so much easier if Eleanor could just fix things like she did when Verena was little, but Verena was an adult now, and she had to fix things for herself. “But thanks for offering, mom.”

“Don’t thank me for offering. Just let me go. If you don’t I’ll be worried sick. After all, what strange city will you wander?” Eleanor didn’t care if she sounded ridiculous for fretting so much over her thirty year old daughter. “New York?” That was where Verena’s employers had their East Coast operations headquarters. “Or will you go abroad with the company? Please don’t tell me that you’ll go to the Middle East. You can’t! Not with the way things are in the region. Things haven’t been right there since the Arab Spring. Not right at all, and when you work for an American oil company, then it’s only right to expect them to –”

“Calm down. I’m not going to the Middle East.” There was a moment’s hesitation. Should she tell her mom or hold off a bit longer? “In fact,” she began, deeming it right to get it out of the way, “I’m not going anywhere with the company.”

“They’ve given you a leave of absence?”

Verena looked away, embarrassment flooding her features as she dropped her mother’s hands.

“Not exactly . . .”

“What do you mean, not exactly?” Eleanor had a feeling she wasn’t going to be pleased. “Verena Alejandra Eloise Faustino, what did you do? Look at me.”

“I quit,” said Verena as she turned to face her mother.

“You what?” cried Eleanor.

“I quit.” Verena repeated, speaking with more firmness than before.

“For God’s sake, Verena!” bellowed Eleanor. “How on earth could you quit your job? I’ve just heard you going on about how difficult these months have been for you, and now you’re telling me that you quit your job! Don’t you understand that’s going to make things worse? How do you mean to wander if you’ve no income? More importantly, how do you intend to pay your bills?”

“I have two credit cards that can be paid online, and to be honest, I don’t really have much of a balance on either. So I’m set.”

“What about the house?” Eleanor was determined to make her daughter see reason. “You might not be married to Oscar anymore, but you’ve certainly a responsibility for the mortgage. And what about the –”

“I’ve got enough money to pay my share of the mortgage for a year, but it won’t come to that.”

“How can you be so certain?”

“Because it’s a good house that has gone up in value since the damn hipsters started moving into the neighborhood.” Verena wasn’t lying. It seemed that every well off hipster in Southern California had suddenly converged on her district in LA. “So I’m not worried about money. The house will be sold, I’ll get my half, and I’ll be alright. I mean, I don’t need to work. Well, I do, but not right now. I have the rest of my life to work so I’m just going to take a break from it for a little while.”

“Are you listening to yourself?” Eleanor couldn’t believe what her daughter was saying. “You sound mental, Vera. Mental! You can’t stop working just because life’s hard. That’s not what adults do. You have to push ahead. That’s what you’re meant to do. Now see here, I understand what you’re going through –”

“Don’t say that,” snapped Vera in a tone with which she’d never spoken to her mother. “Don’t you dare say that you know what I’m going through, because you don’t understand what it truly means to go through a divorce. You’ve been married for thirty-two years. And you’ve not only been married, but you’ve been happily married. Your marriage is what I aspired to! I wanted to be like you and dad. I wanted to be happy and in love and work through things and not give up when things got hard, but that’s not how things worked out for me. My marriage was a failure that fell apart in the worst way possible. I was humiliated in front of everyone that I care about, so don’t stand there and say that you know what I’m going through, because you don’t.”

“Just because I’ve not been divorced, doesn’t mean I don’t understand.” Eleanor shot back. “I know what it is to see my daughter humiliated at the altar. I know what it is to hear her cry when she thinks no one can hear. I know the damage that bastard has done you every bit as well as you do, because a mother knows her children’s heart.”

“Mom –”

“I understand that you want to leave,” continued Eleanor. “I understand that after everything you’ve been through, you want to put a bit of distance between yourself and him, but you’re not going about it correctly. If you mean to relocate, then you must have an income. It’s foolish for you to think you can leave your job and still –”

“I’ll have an income.” Verena said, calmly.

“Be sensible.” Eleanor brushed aside her daughter’s comment. “If you are to relocate then you will need to spend money to keep yourself alive and well. You’ll have to lease an apartment somewhere, budget money for groceries, for gas, for your car insurance, clothing and recreation. Do you understand how all that adds up to be a great deal of money?” she pressed.

“Scaring me with money isn’t going to work. I’ve got my savings, the money for emotional distress that I’ve already been paid, the money that I put into the wedding, and I’ll have the money from the house. So I’ll be set for awhile.”

“Not long enough,” argued Eleanor. “You need to get your job back. If you don’t, then what point was there in you going to university all those years?”

“What did you say?”

“You heard me.” Eleanor stated. “And you know very well I’m right. It’ll have been all for nothing.”

“It wasn’t all for anything.”

“It is if you’ve left your position!” Eleanor stood. “And mind you, it was an enviable position. You worked so hard through law school to get where you were, and now you’ve given it all up! Where else will you find a job like that? With what company?” she questioned. “The economy’s not yet recovered. Everyone’s cautious with whom they hire and you certainly won’t find work like that again. That’s why you ought to get back there, and tell them you were joking, tell them that you were emotionally overwhelmed and didn’t mean it. Go on!”

“No.” Now it was Verena’s turn to stand. “I’m not going back there. I hated it.”

“Nonsense!” dismissed Eleanor.

“I mean it.” Verena said. “I hated working there. Don’t get me wrong, the money was great. I love the money and the freedom it gave me, but I hated what I had to do to earn it. I spent my days looking for loopholes in laws so that the company could cut corners and screw people over. That’s what I did for a living. And for a long time, it was fine, it got me out of debt faster than any of my friends, but I can’t do that anymore. I’m tired of feeling guilty. It’s not easy to cheat old people from a nursing home out of monetary compensation that they deserved for medical hardships our operations facilities imposed on them, but that’s something I did. You proud of me?” she asked, bitterly. “That was the case that got me my own office and a big fat bonus check.”

“You’re lying.” Eleanor couldn’t believe her daughter would’ve done such a thing.

“I wish I was, but I did that for Baxter and Ayres. And today, my boss wanted to charge me with screwing over some kids in Texas that have gotten real damn sick because of the company’s pollution, but that’s where I drew the line. So I quit. And for the time being, I’m going to live off my savings. That’ll more than hold me over until I figure things out. And don’t worry, I’ll figure things out. I’ll be good by the time my next birthday comes around. I’ve given myself one ear to be miserable. I figure that after twelve years of being with him, I deserve one to recover.” She paused. “After that, I’ll kick my own ass if I haven’t sorted myself out.”

“There’s no changing your mind is there?”

Verena shook her head.

“Well,” Eleanor sighed. “If you’re not staying here, then where are you going? Will you go to Oregon with your friend, the one that has the farm?”

“No. I think it’s best if I head out of the country.”

“Oh, well, of course. I suppose it’s perfect for you to travel to Mexico to stay with your abuelita (grandmother). Only do remember to be careful. The situation in the country isn’t ideal, but you’ll be well looked after.”

“I’m not going over there.” She scrunched her nose at the thought. “We stayed at her house a few times. So it wouldn’t make any sense to leave here only to be reminded of him over there.”

“Do you mean to travel to Canada then? Because I have to tell you that I don’t think you’re well suited for the weather. It’s not like what you’ve been spoiled with all your life. Though, to be honest, if your cousin could adjust then so can you. Only don’t be embarrassed to bundle up if it feels a bit chilly. The Canadians might think you a bit silly, but better silly than ill.”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself, mom. I’m not going there either. “

“You’re not?”

Verena shook her head. “I like Montreal. Really, I do. It was great when I visited Carmen. The weather wasn’t too bad and I enjoyed it, but I can’t live there. I can’t see myself staying there for more than a week or two at the most.”

“Then where?”

“Sussex.” Verena felt good saying that. “I’m gonna live with Mum-mum and Grandpapa.”

“Absolutely not!” exclaimed her mother. “You’re not about to fly halfway across the world to –”

“I’m going to Sussex.” Verena interjected. “I’ve already spoken to Mum-mum about it. And she said she’d be delighted to have me.”

“Oh, of course she would . . .” mumbled Eleanor, petulantly.

“And that I could stay as long as I like,” continued Verena. “So I’ll be fine, mom. I’ll be well looked after.”

“Except you won’t, you won’t be comfortable or happy.”

“Why are you saying that? Of course I will. Whenever we went on vacation, I always loved it.”

“Yes, but you were only there for a month at a time, sometimes a bit longer, and I was always there with you,” reminded Eleanor.

“If I got on then, I’ll get along now.”

“You don’t understand, do you? If you go, you won’t just be visiting your grandmother, you’ll be staying with her.”

“I know.”

“But you don’t!” cried Eleanor. “She’ll make you accompany her to those idiotic functions where those smug aristocratic bastards will –”

“Are you embarrassed of me?” Verena found herself asking. “Is that why you don’t want me to go?”

“Don’t be silly.”

“I think you are. I think you don’t want me to go because you don’t want those people to meet your American daughter. That’s why you never let me go to the polo matches or afternoon teas with Mum-mum, because you didn’t want them to see me.”

“That’s not why! I didn’t let her take you to those odious things because I wanted to protect you. I didn’t want you exposed to that lifestyle. I mean, you were exposed to it at your grandmother’s house, but not to that degree. Don’t you ever wonder why you’re the only one that doesn’t curtsey to your grandmother or grandfather? Haven’t you ever stopped to think about that? You don’t curtsey because I told them from day one that they weren’t going to ingrain you with that archaic nonsense of theirs. You curtsey to no one, because you’re not beneath anyone. Do you hear me?”

“Mom –”

“I had to curtsey to horrid people all my life,” Eleanor went on. “I had to abide by those bloody traditions and humor those odious people, but I refuse to have my daughter do the same.”

“I’m not going to curtsey to anyone.” Verena found the thought laughable. “I’m American.”

“You’re also British.” Eleanor reminded. “Or have you forgotten? Because I distinctly remember you crying about how much you wanted to be British, when your father and I talked about how we were going to put in the paperwork to make you a Mexican citizen. You refused that one and instead demanded that we make you British. You cried and cried, and we did as you asked. So if you go, they’ll expect you to curtsey. They’ll expect you to abide by their nonsense, and it might look lovely in the Jane Austen adaptations, but it’s not in real life. Not when you have Lords and Ladies, Earls and Countesses, Dukes and Duchess’ watching your every move,” she said. “It’s hell, and as the only granddaughter of the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, your every move will be scrutinized.”

“Then I’ll avoid those outings.” Verena stated. “If they never made me go to them growing up, they don’t have any reason to now. And anyways, they’ve got my cousins to busy themselves with in that regard.”

“Vera –”

“I’m going to Sussex. And you can try scaring me, but my minds set.”

“We’ll see what your dad has to say about it.”

“Like I’d listen to dad about this,” Verena fought back a laugh. “Dad hates them. Dad hates everything about them. And I get that he has good reason to. They weren’t happy with him in the beginning, and there’s still definitely some tension between them, but they’ve always been good to me. And I’ve never been the granddaughter of the Duke and Duchess of Sussex. Those grandparents belong to Frederic, Archibald, and Edmund. Mine are Mum-mum and Grandpapa.”

“You’re being naïve.”

“Let me,” said Verena, softly. “Let me think that I’m going to go on long walks through the wealds; that I’ll ride to the cliffs on the back of some beautiful horse, that I’ll read poetry under an obliging tree, and lose myself in the library. Let me think that’ll happen, because ever since I started thinking about it, there’s hope.”

“Your father won’t be happy.”

“He’ll understand.” And she knew he would. “It’s just time mom for this. You know it is. Don’t you?”

Deep down, Eleanor did. “Just don’t let it get to your head. Promise me.”

“It won’t.” Verena, overjoyed, took her mother in a tight hug. “Now please promise not to tell dad. I’ll tell him tomorrow over breakfast.”

True to her word, Verena informed her father of her plans over breakfast. She took him out to his favorite breakfast spot, hoping that the fact they were in public would work in her favor. She was afraid he’d disapprove. She knew that he’d respect her decision, he always did, but there was still that lingering doubt that he might see things like her mom, and that they would join forces to try to talk her out of it, but that wasn’t the case. Her father took the news well, better than she could’ve ever imagined. Was he thrilled by the news? No. He couldn’t stand his in-laws and their pretentiousness. They were smug bastards that thought he wasn’t good enough for their daughter. It didn’t matter if he’d been faithfully married to her for thirty-two years; he was still beneath her, and an undesirable connection. That was how they viewed him. He was nothing more than the handsome foreigner, who had seduced their daughter, and they treated him with cold civility, but despite their treatment of him, they were good to his daughter. They loved her dearly and had always treated her with warmth whenever she was in Sussex with them, and more importantly, they’d never spoken ill of him to her, and that was why he was fine with her venturing to England. That was why he gave her his blessing.

And later that day, Verena began the process of getting ready to go abroad. Since Dexter already had his micro chip, all she had to do was get a health certificate, as well as get the necessary vaccinations, and update his passport information. Thankfully, that only took two and a half weeks. She used that time to get her affairs in order, she went to the DMV to tell them that her vehicle would no long be driven, it would simply be kept in storage, and she cancelled her insurance policy, because she wasn’t going to be paying for something she wouldn’t be using. She then set aside money for her parents to spend on Leticia’s children, because despite her hatred of their mother, Verena couldn’t leave those kids on their own. Their mother didn’t make enough to support them. That was why their grandparents were the ones financially in charge of them, and Verena would supplement their income for as long as she could, because she took her duties as a godmother seriously.

When everything was finally in order, Verena booked a one way ticket to London Heathrow Airport and secured Dexter’s place as her accompanied baggage. And on May 3, two months after her thirtieth birthday, she boarded the flight that would change everything.