Status: one shot
He Called Me Baby
one of one
8 August, 2013
It's been four months since I've heard from Louis. As far as I know, none of the other boys have heard from him either. We don't talk about it much. To be honest, they don't talk to me about much of anything anymore. I think I make them feel awkward. Whenever they see me, they do this weird cringe and then treat me like I could explode at any minute. I don't really blame them though. I look like complete and utter hell, so much that I even scare myself sometimes when I look in the mirror. There are these dark circles under my eyes that clearly aren't going away any time soon, my hair is always a mess and I look like I haven't showered, even when I have, and I've lost so much weight that I'm pretty sure if I walked out into the wind I would be blown away.
Most nights I barely even sleep. I keep waiting for him to call, maybe even text one of us, but he never does. I think the scariest thing is...I don't think he's ever going to come back. He left me a letter the day he left saying he couldn't do it anymore. He was tired of everything. He was tired of how our relationship was handled, tired of balancing everything and the band at the same time, and mostly, I think he was tired of me.
I wanted him to fight for us. Every day, I begged him not to make me hide us for just one day. I would tell him that if he'd walk down the street holding my hand just once, I would be happy and I wouldn't pester him anymore. He was never mean about it. He would always smile and give me a kiss and remind me that it wasn't just about us, and if we did that, we would ruin the careers of the other three boys as well.
And now what has he done? Everything is over now. If we'd broken the rules, we would've gotten into a lot of trouble, but I feel like it would have blown over eventually. Now what will happen? He got what he wanted. He's free of everything, but for Niall, Zayn, Liam, and myself, everything is finished. We can't be One Direction without him.
I just can't believe he did this to me. It hurts, and it hurts more than any pain I've ever felt. Knowing that he just walked out on me and didn't think twice, didn't call to tell me he was okay, didn't care if I was okay...it's horrible. It's like he never even cared.
I'm not crazy enough to say that he didn't love me. I know he loved me, but he broke me. Actually, I'm not sure if that's the word I should use. He loved me, but he absolutely destroyed me, from the inside out. And I hate him, because of how much I love him.
The worst part is how much I miss him. I miss him every day, and I don't want to. I miss his face, his smile, his kiss. I miss the way he could be so crazy in public and then so quiet when we cuddled. I miss how he always wanted to have sex in weird places like the stairs at the studio, or in the dressing room before shows. I miss his voice. I miss him calling me baby.
He called me all kinds of cute little pet names, but baby was always my favorite. He always knew that it was, so he called me baby all the time. In the morning when I woke up, in the middle of our most random conversations, when we argued, when we made love, when he told me goodnight. Now, I'll never be called that another time. I'll never be someone's baby again.
I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I need him. I need him so much and every day without him drains more and more life out of me. Maybe that's because he was my whole life, and now that he's gone, I have nothing. I've had some ideas about how to get rid of the pain, and they all involve warped things that would get me thrown directly into therapy if I ever mentioned them to another person. One thing happens to be sticking out more than the others though.
I'm just tired of being. That's the only way I can describe how I feel anymore. I wander around the flat we once shared, and I think constantly about how I want to end the pain, to be out of the misery. So I think I'm going to do it. To be able to keep going, I need him back. But he's not coming back, so I don't want to keep going.
Louis was everything to me, and now that he's gone, I'm nothing.
It's been four months since I've heard from Louis. As far as I know, none of the other boys have heard from him either. We don't talk about it much. To be honest, they don't talk to me about much of anything anymore. I think I make them feel awkward. Whenever they see me, they do this weird cringe and then treat me like I could explode at any minute. I don't really blame them though. I look like complete and utter hell, so much that I even scare myself sometimes when I look in the mirror. There are these dark circles under my eyes that clearly aren't going away any time soon, my hair is always a mess and I look like I haven't showered, even when I have, and I've lost so much weight that I'm pretty sure if I walked out into the wind I would be blown away.
Most nights I barely even sleep. I keep waiting for him to call, maybe even text one of us, but he never does. I think the scariest thing is...I don't think he's ever going to come back. He left me a letter the day he left saying he couldn't do it anymore. He was tired of everything. He was tired of how our relationship was handled, tired of balancing everything and the band at the same time, and mostly, I think he was tired of me.
I wanted him to fight for us. Every day, I begged him not to make me hide us for just one day. I would tell him that if he'd walk down the street holding my hand just once, I would be happy and I wouldn't pester him anymore. He was never mean about it. He would always smile and give me a kiss and remind me that it wasn't just about us, and if we did that, we would ruin the careers of the other three boys as well.
And now what has he done? Everything is over now. If we'd broken the rules, we would've gotten into a lot of trouble, but I feel like it would have blown over eventually. Now what will happen? He got what he wanted. He's free of everything, but for Niall, Zayn, Liam, and myself, everything is finished. We can't be One Direction without him.
I just can't believe he did this to me. It hurts, and it hurts more than any pain I've ever felt. Knowing that he just walked out on me and didn't think twice, didn't call to tell me he was okay, didn't care if I was okay...it's horrible. It's like he never even cared.
I'm not crazy enough to say that he didn't love me. I know he loved me, but he broke me. Actually, I'm not sure if that's the word I should use. He loved me, but he absolutely destroyed me, from the inside out. And I hate him, because of how much I love him.
The worst part is how much I miss him. I miss him every day, and I don't want to. I miss his face, his smile, his kiss. I miss the way he could be so crazy in public and then so quiet when we cuddled. I miss how he always wanted to have sex in weird places like the stairs at the studio, or in the dressing room before shows. I miss his voice. I miss him calling me baby.
He called me all kinds of cute little pet names, but baby was always my favorite. He always knew that it was, so he called me baby all the time. In the morning when I woke up, in the middle of our most random conversations, when we argued, when we made love, when he told me goodnight. Now, I'll never be called that another time. I'll never be someone's baby again.
I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I need him. I need him so much and every day without him drains more and more life out of me. Maybe that's because he was my whole life, and now that he's gone, I have nothing. I've had some ideas about how to get rid of the pain, and they all involve warped things that would get me thrown directly into therapy if I ever mentioned them to another person. One thing happens to be sticking out more than the others though.
I'm just tired of being. That's the only way I can describe how I feel anymore. I wander around the flat we once shared, and I think constantly about how I want to end the pain, to be out of the misery. So I think I'm going to do it. To be able to keep going, I need him back. But he's not coming back, so I don't want to keep going.
Louis was everything to me, and now that he's gone, I'm nothing.
♠ ♠ ♠
Dedicated to my baby, Amelia. I couldn't have done this without you.