Spirit Desire

“I think Javier’s avoiding me,” I said to Gaby as we sat in a corner booth of our small Mexican restaurant, “or he’s ignoring me. It’s one of the two.”

She scrunched her nose as she rolled a tortilla in her hands, “I don’t want to talk to you about your boyfriend Adriana,“ she muttered, “and you told me we’d only do stuff I wanted to do today and I definitely don’t want to talk about Javier. Besides, ignoring you and avoiding you are the same thing,”

I rolled my eyes, ”I know,” I muttered as I took a sip of my coke, “but just ignore what I said for like five minutes. Natalie’s gone and I haven’t been able to talk to her and I don’t really have any other friends--” she snorted and I almost threw a chip at her, “I don’t have a friend that I wanna talk to about my problems, so just help me out please.”

I felt pathetic asking my little sister, who had just turned eighteen, relationship advice but since I had no one she would have to do.

“Where is he?” she asked as she pushed her plate away from herself and placed her napkin on the table, “I haven’t seen him months.”

“I haven’t seen him all that much either,” I sighed, “the last time I talked to him was during Natalie’s wedding, and that was what? Like three weeks ago? And that was just me asking him to come to the wedding”

“Yeah, like three Saturdays ago,” she nodded her head, “when is Natalie coming back by the way? She’s been in Costa Rica for a while, doesn’t she need to work.”

I shook my head, “she isn’t going to work until after she has the baby and Chris can basically do his job anywhere as long as he has an internet connection. Before they left she said they were basically going to be there until they ran out of money so who knows.”

Gaby hummed and tapped her recently manicured nails on the wooden table, “you haven’t talked to him since then?”

“Only once,” I answered, “he came to the clinic the Monday after the wedding with flowers and stuff and apologized to me and took me out to lunch. We went to panda express--” she snorted once more and I rolled my eyes at her, ”and he hasn’t answered my phone calls or called me since then. I invited him to your birthday dinner tonight though. He hasn’t called me back to tell me if he’s coming or not, like at this point I don’t even know if he’s alive or dead.”

Gaby sighed in exasperation and shook her head, but she didn’t say anything and I could feel some tears welling up behind my eyes.

“I just don’t know what I did wrong Gaby,” I mumbled and I was dangerously close to crying in the small restaurant and making Don Felipe—the elderly owner of the restaurant—come out of the kitchen with some hot chocolate to console me. “Like, I just want him to talk to me and he won’t even talk to me.”

“Adriana stop,” she hissed and immediately looked up at her, “I didn’t mean to sound that harsh,” she said as her tone softened, “I just need you to snap out of it, you’ve done nothing wrong.”

I sniffled a bit and ran a hand through my hair before she spoke again, “like if what you’re always told me about your relationship with Javier is true then you’re done absolutely nothing wrong. Javier’s the stupid one and frankly he doesn’t deserve you Adri.”

“I’ve ever understood why you and mom don’t like Javier, everyone else is fine with him,” I mumbled.

“No one is fine with Adri, I don’t think Natalie is even fine with him being your boyfriend. Salvador and Nicky don’t see us all that often and when they do they’re with their families and you know they both told mom they weren’t going to act like they were our dad so they don’t ever say anything. Mariana went to Chicago for school a year after you and Javier got together, she doesn’t even know him. Me and mom are open about it because we see what an asshole he is to everyone all the time.”

“but I love him Gaby,” I muttered and I felt like I was in a bad movie, defending a guy I knew wasn’t the best. “I mean at least I think I do, this stuff has me all fu—messed up.”

Gaby smiled, “I turned eighteen yesterday Adri, I think I handle you saying fucking.”

“Gaby!” I exclaimed and she laughed, “whatever, just don’t let mom hear you cause she’ll throw a fit.”

“Do you think he has a show tonight?” she asked, and I nodded my head.

“Yeah, they do some stuff almost every Saturday night at The Tavern over on Market why?” I asked.

“It’s eighteen and up right?” she asked excitedly and smiled when I nodded my head, “and who’s eighteen? This girl,” she pointed to herself, “so we can got there and corner him and you can talk to him.”

“Okay,” I nodded my head.

“I mean it all still depends on whether or not he shows up to my dinner. If he does then we don’t need to go and listen to his shitty music but if he doesn’t go, then we’ll go and I’ll corner him and kick where it hurts okay.”

I clicked my tongue, “physical violence doesn’t solve anything Gaby.”

“I know,” she nodded hear wisely, “but it’s fun to cause someone some physical harm,” she giggled and continued eating. I rolled my eyes and smiled as her as we began talking about her upcoming tennis matches and which colleges she was planning on applying to in the upcoming month.

“New York is too cold,” I said as we got into my car after paying our bills, “like way too cold, you’ve never gone to New York when it’s cold but it’s horrible.”

“but we’ve been to Chicago and Chicago’s winter is apparently worse than New York’s, plus I already talked to Nicolas. If I get into any school in New York City I’ll be living with him and he’ll buy all my stuff so it’ll work out,” she grinned cheekily.

“You’re so spoiled, you’re lucky you’re the baby.” She smiled before switching the radio station and I began driving home.

A few hours later my brother Salvador and his small family met my mom, Matthew, Gaby and I in front of the quaint French restaurant Gaby demanded we eat her birthday dinner in. We all walked in together and once we sat down the empty seat at the end of the table was painfully obvious and I wondered why I even felt the need to make a reservation that included Javier since I hadn’t heard from him in weeks. I pushed those thoughts aside and focused on my baby sister, besides, if he didn’t show up—which was likely—I had already told Gaby I would take her to The Tavern later on and I would take the chance to confront him.

“How have you been Adriana?” Salvador’s wife, Isabel, asked me as we waited for our food. I smiled at her, extremely happy she could be here in spite of her hectic work schedule at the hospital.

“I’ve been doing great,” I answered her. “Have you heard anything about the new department at the hospital?”

“Not much, we don’t get too much information over at the ER department but I did hear from one of my friends at pediatrics that they were getting close to finding people, I think they’re still calling people for final interviews and for medical tests and such.”

“So they’re close to doing the final interviews?” I asked as I twirled my straw around my iced tea.

“Mhh,” she nodded her head, “yes, I think they’re doing the final interviews in the next couple of weeks. Whoever they’ll hire will start working at the hospital in early to mid March. They’ll start at the pediatrics section until everything is finalized at the newborn section for their trial three months and the space will be inaugurated in early June. Everyone’s is so excited at the hospital.” She dug around in her purse a few seconds before grabbing a pacifier for Alex who had begun fussing in his seat. “Have you heard back from anyone at the hospital?”

I smiled widely before answering her, ”I did. They want me to come in for an interview December 8th. So I’m just waiting for that day to come to see if I get the job or not. I’ve been so nervous but I’ve calmed down since they called me a couple of days ago set up the interview. I’m hoping I’ll know if I got it or not that day.”

“Do you still hate working at the clinic?” she asked as she grabbed Alex in her arms and began cooing to him softly so he could go to sleep while we ate.

“I don’t hate it,” I smiled, “it’s not my favorite place and now the only girl I was really friends with left on maternity leave and so I’m all alone. If I get the job, I’m planning on giving my two weeks’ notice that day, I don’t care if I start working until March.”

“I’m sure you’ll hear great news Adriana. Just remember Adriana, we all had to start somewhere. When I started working I worked in an old folk’s home. I was changing catheters and cleaning up all day. After some time I finally got the chance to get a position as a nurse in the ER. It takes some time but it’s worth it.” She smiled and I nodded my head, “Now let’s focus on Gaby and her day because she’s giving us the stink eye.”

I nodded my head before sticking my tongue at Gabriela who did the same and excusing myself to the restroom. I stood in the large white and gold bathroom with my back against the wall as I dialed Javier’s phone number, only one time I told myself. If he didn’t answer then I was just going to show up the tavern, let’s see if he’ll ignore me then, I thought to myself.

Of course he didn’t answer and I hung up on him before he could send me to voicemail. I took a deep breath before walking out of the bathroom and towards our table where the food was already placed and everyone seemed to be waiting for me. I smiled sheepishly as I sat down and everyone began digging into their plates.

“Did you call Javier?” Gaby asked as she saw me place my phone back into my purse, I nodded my head. “Did he answer you?” she asked as she popped a french fry into her mouth.

“No Gaby, he didn’t,” I rolled my eyes. “When we get home get changed and ready cause we’re going to see him tonight okay?”

She mock saluted me before starting a new conversation with Salvador and I was left to think about how I would confront Javier later.

Though it was true that this had happened a few times in our relationship before I had always blamed it on distance. I was living in Los Angeles and way too into school and never had time to do anything because for four years straight I had classes all year round. We hardly ever saw each other and when we did we always argued about the distance. Distance does not make the heart grow fonder, it forms resentments. We argued so much that it eventually led to us breaking up.

At the moment I didn’t have a clue as to why Javier was avoiding seeing me or even speaking to me. Things had been going well, or so I had thought, but apparently something was wrong on his front. I didn’t know if I was up for some more months of replaying our old relationship.

My plate of steak frites was half eaten and a mess¬¬ when a waiter came around to our table holding a small plate with a religieuse sitting daintily. We all sang happy birthday to Gaby before she started digging into the pastry. Salvador and Isabel gave her a couple of presents which were some makeup palettes that I’m sure Isabel picked out and a gift card.

“Happy birthday Gaby,” I said again as I hugged her before we started walking out of the restaurant, “before you say anything, I have your present back at the house. I didn’t forget,” I rolled my eyes as I placed my arm over her shoulders and she tried to pry my arm off but I didn’t let her go until we reached my car.

“So,” she started as we buckled in our seat belts and I started up the car, “are we going to the club Javier’s playing at?” she asked as she fiddled around with the radio.

“Leave it on one station,” I muttered and swatted her hand away from the radio, “yeah, we’ll leave around like 10 or something. Did you ask mom if you could go?”

“Mhh,” she hummed and nodded her head, “she said I could go with you but you can’t drink and we have to go back home at two at the latest. Even though I don’t know how she’ll know if we go back home at that time cause she’s staying over at Matthew’s house tonight cause I was supposed to have a sleepover tonight.”

“Why aren’t you having the sleepover?” I asked.

“Thanksgiving week and people traveled to other places and they’re boring,” she shrugged her shoulders, “besides this is more exciting than hearing Jenna talk all night about her crush and eating a lot of hot Cheetos. I can do all that during the day.”

“That’s true,” I nodded my head as we approached our driveway, “help me pick an outfit alright?”

An hour later we were making our way back down to my car. Gaby completely changed from her white lace sundress to a black velvet dress and the Chelsea boots I had gifted to her. I was looking frumpier next to her and I wished I spent more money on clothes so my baby sister wouldn’t always look better than me, even when she picked out my clothes.

“You have your ID right?” I asked as I applied some chap stick to my dry lips, “I don’t want to get there and have to come back because you don’t have your ID on you.”

“Yes mom,” she rolled her eyes and I nodded my head and ruffled her perfectly straight hair before beginning our drive to downtown.

“Here we are,” I muttered as I parked the car and Gaby scrunched her nose.

“This place?” she asked as she opened her door, “it’s so grungy,” she muttered and then shrugged her shoulders, “but I guess Javier and his band aren’t getting famous anytime soon.”

I punched her lightly on the shoulder before grabbing her hand and walking to the entrance. Luckily, Dan was at the front and whenever he was up there he let us go to the front and so Gaby and I went straight to him.

“Hey Dan,” I smiled as I reached him and hugged him.

“Hey, here to see Javier play?” he asked.

“Yes sir,” I answered, “and I’m here with some company,” I gestured to Gaby who already had her ID out and was ready to hand it over to Dan.

“Happy birthday,” Dan smiled as he grabbed her hand and marked a large ‘x’ on it so she wouldn’t get served at the bar. “I think they start around 10:30 to 11, have fun you two.” He smiled before he ushered us inside.

The inside wasn’t all that better than the outside and I could see Gaby’s nose scrunching in distaste as I looked around for any empty seats or booths but they were all taken up by people. “Let me find Javier and then I’ll find you somewhere to sit or something okay? Do you want a coke or anything?”

She nodded her head and answered sprite as I began walking away from her so I could find Javier. I went up to the bar where a new girl was working and asked her for a coke and a sprite. She set off on finding the cans as she talked to the Jake, the old bartender. Jake smiled as he turned to me and started asking some questions about how I was how Javier had been since he hadn’t played or gone to the tavern in the past month. I answered all his questions quickly and without too much detail before telling him I needed to find Gaby.

She was standing in the same spot but this time with Javier in front of her. Gaby’s stance was a fighting one. Her hands were placed on her waist and her nose was scrunched up in anger—a trait my mom said all the Castillo women had. She was talking loudly, in the way she always does where her hands flew around and then settled on her waist again.

Javier looked sheepish as I reached them but didn’t alert them of my presence, Gaby didn’t either, she probably wanted to tell him off some more,

“Why haven’t you talked to Adriana?” she asked him angrily, “she misses you and you’re such a pendejo that you won’t even talk to her.”

“I’ve talked to her,” he muttered.

She shook her head, “she was telling me today how you haven’t talked to her since Nati’s wedding. She was going about how she thinks she did something wrong to you. You need to talk to her and tell her that’s just you being stupid.”

“What are you even doing here Gaby?” he said exasperatedly and ran hand through his hair.

“It’s my birthday today and I came here to talk to you since you obviously can’t answer your phone according to Adriana and tell you to talk to Adriana. Or if you don’t want to talk to her then at least break up with her.”

“Gaby,” I almost shrieked as I came behind Javier and grabbed her arm. I shoved the sprite into her hand before pushing her away, “ya vete,” I muttered. “You’re not helping at all.”

“Whatever,” she muttered and flounced away to the bar where she sat down away from everyone else and stared at us.

“Y tu,” I muttered as I crossed my arm over my chest, “what have you been up to?” I asked.

“Nothing Luz,” he answered.

“Why didn’t you answer my message?” I asked, “I invited you to Gaby’s dinner.”

“I couldn’t make it, I’d rather not answer and tell you rather than having you sad and bitching at me all day when I told you.”

“So you’d rather I be embarrassed and have an empty seat next to me waiting for you than letting me know you weren’t coming? Never mind, I’m not even mad about that. Why haven’t you talked to me these past few weeks?” my voice was starting to get higher and I knew I was getting close to crying.

“I haven’t had time,” he mumbled and ran a hand through his hair again before placing it back on his thigh and tapping his fingers.

“You haven’t had time these past few weeks? Not even to call me or text me hey?”

He pulled my hand from over my chest and pulled me to his chest. His hand cradled my head as he placed it on his shoulder. His left hand wound around my waist and kept me close to his body. “I’m sorry Luz, my head’s been a mess. I don’t want to talk about it.”

I frowned and pulled my head up and looked at him seriously. “We need to talk about it sometime Javi. no podemos quedarnos así.”

“I don’t want to talk about it Adriana,” he shook his head and I pulled myself from his hold.

“Sooner of later we’re gonna have to talk about whatever it is we’re stllf Javier. I’m getting sick of this and you.”

He rolled his eyes, ”we’ll talk about this Adriana. Just not right now.”

“Fine,” I muttered angrily. “Come talk to me whenever you feel like it, but I don’t know if I’ll be waiting around for you Javier.” I pushed myself off his chest and pushed him away from me before stalking over to Gaby. She was all smiles as she talked to one of the bartenders and took a sip of her sprite.

“No, not yet. It’s barely my eighteenth birthday today,” she said excitedly, I grabbed her hand and she furrowed her eyebrows as she looked at me. “I’ll be back here when I turn twenty-one though, if you’re still working here in three years then we’ll have shots together,” she smiled at the bartender before she stood up and held my hand.

“Did it go well?” she asked.

I bit my lip and shook my head, “it didn’t go anywhere.”

She mumbled some expletives under her breathe that I couldn’t quite decipher before she squeezed my hand. “Whatever,” she smiled, “come one, let’s go sit down and you can buy a drink.”

“I’m not buying you a drink Gaby,” I told her as she dragged me towards an unoccupied booth at the far right of the dark bar, near the bathrooms and stairs—the worst table in the place.

“A long island iced tea?” she asked as she slid into the booth and I followed, “that’s basically just coke,” she grinned and I smiled..

“Flag over the bartender or one of the girls and I’ll order me a drink, you can drive tonight,” I smiled and she rolled her eyes before bouncing over to the bar and talking animatedly to Jake, the bartender. She laughed loudly, throwing her head before shrugging her shoulders and pointing back to our table, she turned back around and shrugged her shoulders before walking towards the table again.

“They didn’t give you the drinks?” I asked.

“No, Jake said he would send someone over to see what you wanted, I can’t get it since I can’t buy alcohol yet. Which is dumb because he knows it was for you.”

“It’s his job Gaby,” I said as I played around with my phone on the table.

“It’s so dumb, I mean I can basically drink anywhere else in the world except here. You’re taking me to Tijuana next week so I can have a shot or something down there and feel like I’m an adult. I hate living here, I can drink anywhere else, it’s not my fault the US was built by puritans.”

“You’ll have to wait just like the rest of us had to,” I sais before a girl stopped in front of our table with a tray under her arm.

“You guys wanted some drinks?” she asked with a smile.

Gaby nodded her head before speaking, “yeah, so she want some vodka and orange juice—I forgot what that drink is called—”she whispered to me and the girl laughed, “and I’ll have a coke.”

“Alright, I’ll bring those to you guys in a sec, my name’s Rosa so if you guys need anything just shout for me.” She smiled before walking away.

“She looks just like you Adri, if you were taller and had a bunch of tattoos,” she commented, “she could be another one of dad’s love children.”

I elbowed her in the ribs, “don’t even joke about that,” I scoffed, “we’ve got enough with two of them hanging around.”

She shrugged her shoulders and sang along to the song the dj was playing. It was good music, I had to admit, usually I hated coming here unless there was a band playing but it seemed like they were trying something new and had an 80’s goth type thing going on. Currently they were playing Bauhaus’ Ziggy Stardust and Gaby was mouthing the words as we waited for our drinks.

“Mira, she looks just like you,” she said again before the girl, Rosa, came back to our table. I suppose Gaby was right, she was Hispanic like us with pin straight black hair and a small, little nose. Her eyes were dark and lined with black eyeliner and her lips a dark wine color. The largest difference between us were our eye color, while I had light hazel eyes she had the darkest brown eyes I had ever seen and tattoos covering all of her visible skin. Which was a lot, both her arms were artfully tattooed and her sheer black top showed all the tattoos on her back and chest. To be honest, she looked like what I wished I looked like and would look like if I wasn’t so afraid of tattoo needles and hating whatever I had gotten a month later.

“You two could be twins,” Gaby said as she grabbed the coke from her hands and took a long sip.

Rosa laughed and handed me my screw driver, “slap some tattoos on her and straighten her hair and I’m sure we’d look identical.” She smiled once more before asking if we needed anything and walking away from out booth.

My phone vibrated on the table and I quickly grabbed it thinking it might be my mom wanting Gaby home a bit earlier. I frowned when I saw Javier’s name on the screen and looked around the bar as I brought the phone up to my ear. “Hello?“ I questioned.

“Where are you?” he asked.

“I’m still here, near the stairs. I’m sitting with Gaby,” I was about to ask him where he was but I heard him hang up before I could even get the first word out. I frowned as I looked at my phone and saw the lock screen.

A few moments later Javier was in front of table, smiling nervously as he slid into the sit besides me and curled an arm around my shoulders, pulling me onto his side. “Are you okay Luz?” he asked.

My eyebrows furrowed as I tried to think of why he would think I was okay but I nodded my head and kissed his cheek as I mumbled a yes.

“That’s good,” he said as he kissed the top of my head, “we’re going to go on in about twenty minutes.” He commented after a few minutes of silence. He seemed to be looking around for someone but he seemed to give up as he drank from a beer he had brought with him.

“Are we okay?” I asked, “we still need to talk a bit,” I murmured the last part and he nodded his head.

“I know.” He looked straight ahead as he nodded his head.

“Go to my house after you finish with your set,” I said as I grabbed his left hand from over my shoulders hand placed it on the wooden table in front of us, my fingertips lightly tracing patterns his hands. “I’ll take Gaby to Matthew’s house for the night so we’ll have the house to ourselves,” I smiled.

“I don’t know if tonight’s the best night,” he sighed and took a long sip of his beer..

I frowned and let go of his hand before placing both of mine on my lap. I shook it off before lazily draping my arm over his stomach and nuzzling his neck. Placing small kisses and bites on his skin before saying: “Please, I promise it’ll be worth it.” I shuddered at the thought of being too forward or even slutty—something I had never been too comfortable being even though we had been together almost six years. I figured it would all be worth it, I missed Javier, even though a tiny part told me it wasn’t worth it.

I guess an even larger part told him it wasn’t worth it either because he shifted from the spot beside me until he was facing me and my palm laid heavy on the booth. My eyebrows furrowed and I put my hands on the table, my back slumped as I started feeling the tears build up. I didn’t even know why I felt like crying.

“I’m really not in the mood Adriana,” he said before standing up, “listen I’ll call you this week and we’ll talk about everything.”.

I shook my head and stood up behind him, “don’t bother calling me Javier. Don’t even bother thinking about me at all.” I said angrily as I grabbed Gaby’s arm. She narrowed her eyes at me as I squeezed her arm a bit too tightly and pulled her up, “we’re leaving.” I told her as I began walking.

“Adriana, don’t be like that,” Javier said exasperatedly and crossed his arms behind his head.

“No Javi,” I muttered and shook my head, “I’m gonna be exactly this way until you figure out whatever it is you need to say to me and find a convenient time. Don’t be surprised if I’m not still waiting around for you Javier.”

He stood up angrily, his eyebrows creasing and his nostrils flaring. The look he was giving me almost made me turn away from him and leave the club but I held my ground. His eyes, which I was used to seeing twinkling from happiness or tired were angry, almost black as he stared at me. He opened his mouth to say something but I cut him off.

“Figure it out Javier cause I’m sick of this,” I smiled sadly before turning around and pulling Gaby with me towards the exit.