Spirit Desire

I hadn’t seen Leone since Natalie’s wedding. I had spent that whole night thinking about what he had said and Javier. My mind repeating over and over again his hot touch on my skin and his soft breathing as he let me know what he thought of me. My mind also comparing him and Javier the whole night after calling and receiving no answer from Javier.

I had blocked it out of my head. Focusing on work, cinching a new job at the children’s hospital, and throwing myself into helping my Mom and Matthew’s impending nuptials, which were set for April. It was four months away but my mom was trying to get everything put together extravagantly since she had missed out on having a wedding for her first marriage.

So when I saw him, smoking outside of a tattoo parlor with a can of coca cola in his hand I did a double take. His hair, which last I had seen was shaven off, was longer now. Long enough that I could imagine myself pulling at, the tips of his brown hair curling near his ears. His honey coloured eyes twinkled as he laughed and released cigarette smoke. His wrist was bandaged leading me to think he had just gotten a tattoo done.

He might have sensed my sight on him because he turned just as I had gotten myself together and was beginning to walk in his general direction. I smiled slightly as I continued walking and chastised myself for having my hair in the messiest bun imaginable and still wearing the scrubs that had some questionable liquid and for feeling like I wasn’t ready to see him after his sort of sort of not confession. I mean the guy didn’t flat out say he felt something for me but it had felt like that, and I wasn’t ready to feel any emotion for any guy, not after how much Javier had fucked me up and was still fucking me up. Still I walked towards him with a slight smile as I hiked up my bag on my shoulder.

“Adriana,” he nodded his head as I neared him.

I smiled, ”hi Leone,” I said as he wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me to his side in a hug. “How have you been?”

“I’ve been good,” he replied, “and yourself?”

“Pretty good,” I mumbled as I placed a stray curl behind my ear. My hand grabbed his wrist and pulled it from over my shoulder and traced the small area that was covered in what reminded me of saran wrap. “When did you get this?” I asked him.

“Just a few minutes ago,” he answered and nodded his head towards his friend that was still standing in front of us, a cigarette burnt to the filter dangling from his lips as he grabbed the one that was behind his ear. “This is David, he just finished this up.”

“Hi,” I smiled at David and smiled even wider when he smiled and I noticed his chipped tooth. It added an endearing quality to him and mellowed out all the tattoos he had. Even his shaved head was tattooed with an intricate design of lines and geometric shapes. His whole neck, up until the beginning of his beard was tattooed as well and when he smiled I didn’t feel as intimidated. “It’s nice to meet you,” I said as I held out my hand.

He smiled as he shook my hand, “nice to meet you too,” he said and I could tell he wasn’t from southern California, a slight accent peaked out from his words but I couldn’t place it.

“Jesus, did those hurt?” I asked after I let go of his hand and immediately I felt my cheeks redden, “sorry. They’re really nice.”

“No problem girly,” he said and took a drag of his cigarette, ”I get it all the time. Which one?” he asked.

“The ones on your head?”

“I passed out twice,” he smiled proudly and Leone murmured ‘nice’ and I would never understand boys.

“I want one,” I said, “not on my head of course—although yours are nice,” I clarified, “I want a tattoo but I don’t want to regret it you know? So I still don’t know what I want, but I want it.”

“Anytime you want girly I’ll tattoo you, just make up your mind and I’ll do it for you?” he said and let out a white cloud of smoke to which I scrunched my nose.

“Or I’ll give you it,” Leone said as he stepped on his cigarette, “I gave Dave a tattoo,” he motioned towards David who held up his wrist and there was some fancy script, “granted he had it covered up later cause it was shit but I still tattooed him. I’ll do the same for you.”

I laughed loudly, “no thanks,” I patted his chest as I stepped away from him and grabbed David’s wrist and looked at the colorful script and images on his skin, “I’ll trust David.”

“My skills have improved since then,” Leone grumbled.

“You can only trust people who have been properly trained to do these kinds of things. I’ve been thinking hard about what to get for about three years so I won’t regret. I’m not just going to let anyone stick a needle in me,” I replied as I traced a tattoo of some Celtic design on David’s forearm.

“That hurts tesorina,” Leone said in mock offense.

“I’m just saying the truth,” I smiled and released Dave’s wrist, “and I’ve got to go. I’ll see you both later. Keep a spot open for me until I decide what to get.” I started walking backwards away from them and waved as I turned around and started heading towards the Garcia house.

“Adriana, hold on,” I heard to my right and I turned to see Leone jogging up beside me.

“Hey, what’s up?” I asked feeling a little more than awkward as I looked his broad shoulders encased his white t shirt and remembered his shirtless form in front of me. Telling me in a weird way that he wanted me and his touch leaving my skin hot as he trailed his fingers down my cheeks, my neck, and down my chest. I shook it off as I smiled at him.

“Where are you going?” he asked as he slowed down to my slow gait.

“Nowhere in specific,” I answered. For some reason I didn’t want him to know I was going to visit Javier. I didn’t want him to feel as though I was choosing Javier over him even though that was exactly what I was doing, what I had done a while ago.

“You’re walking?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I answered, “the mini cooper isn’t working too well right now and I let my mom borrow my car. So I’m on foot for the rest of the week at least. Which is gross because now I gotta walk around in public with puke stains on my scrubs.” I scrunched my nose up in disgust as I looked down at my thigh.

“Come on,” he said as he grabbed my arm and stopped me gently, “let me drive you to wherever it is you’re going. That way you don’t have to walk around with those scrubs.”

“Nah,” I mumbled, “I’m good, I’ll just walk. Exercise and all that jazz,” I laughed.

“Come on tesorina, I’ll give you a ride. Just tell me where.”

“No thank you. Really I’m fine.”

“Mi stai spezzando il cuore, come on tesorina,” he smiled and I almost melted then and there, “I’ll let you pay gas money if it bothers you all that much.”

“No, it’s fine,” I mumbled, “listen I’m going to go see Javier and I’d rather not have some guy drop me off at his house. You get where I’m coming from. And I don’t mean some guy as if you’re just some bum off the street or something like that but Javier’s already really suspicious of you and whatever he believes is going on between us even though there’s nothing going on between us.”

“There’s nothing going on between us Adriana,” he said, “and nothing’s going to happen between us.”

“I—“ I started, “well that’s obvious,” I muttered, “but things with Javier aren’t the best they could be right now and I don’t want to make anything worse by him knowing we’re hanging out or whatever. Even if things are totally innocent it’s just too much right now.”

He nodded his head and dropped my arm, ”have a good one Adriana,” he smiled as he turned around and back to Dave who gave him a questioning look.

With my bottom lip between my teeth I wished that I had accepted Leone’s offer to drive me to Javier’s as the cold sea breeze hit me. Living by the beach was nice and all but it wasn’t as nice when the weather was starting to get cold—or as cold as it gets in San Diego—and you’re only wearing thin maroon scrubs.

This wasn’t the plan at all I reminded myself as I started chastising myself for not grabbing a sweater. I was supposed to let Javier think some more, give him the silent treatment but there he was. Two days after I had given him a sort of soft ultimatum calling me and asking me to go to his house. I knew what he was going to do though, he was going to apologize, maybe he’d even cook my dinner seeing as it was almost six, and then he’d try to get some action.

It was what happened after we’d had a disagreement but I didn’t want that. I wanted to argue with him—get it all out. I wanted to figure out exactly what was going to happen, if he was happy and if it was even worth it to keep on going.

With that in mind I knocked loudly three times on his front door. As if he had been standing next to the door it opened quickly and he quirked his lip upward before ushering me in.

“Como estas?” he asked as he led us into the living room, which was surprisingly clean. I had expected the house to be a mess after the couple of months of Natalie not living there. Hell, I was expecting to see a couple of empty beer bottles or red solo cups on the coffee table, but there was nothing. Everything was spotless.

“I’m good. You wanted to talk to me?” I asked as I sat down on the small couch.

He nodded his head and took a seat on the same couch but the farthest away from me as he could. He looked ahead as he rested his elbows on his knees and folded his hands beneath his chin. This was pensive Javi and I didn’t know how I felt about it, I didn’t see this side often.

“Are you okay?” I asked as I folded my legs underneath me and hugged a pillow to my stomach.

“Yeah,” he nodded his head, “yeah, are you?”

“I don’t know, it depends on what you’re going to say.”

“I think we need a break,” he said after a few moments of silence.

It left me stunned, though later I realized that it shouldn’t have after the way he had been acting around me—or away from me is more like it. But it did leave me stunned because I felt I had the upper hand in this whole mess. I felt that if we did break up or go decide to spend some time apart to think I would be the one to suggest it.

“Oh,” I mumbled and looked down at my nails, deciding that avoiding eye contact and the situation was the best option I had at that moment.

“Yeah,” he said as he turned to look at me and I could feel his stare on me, “I just feel like there’s a ton of shit going on right now and we’re not handling it well.”

I wanted to throw his shitty excuse back at him and let him know it was him who was ruining out relationship, “I know,” I answered when I finally looked at him.

He nodded his head again and ran his hand through his choppy hair, his finger gripping the ends tightly before he let his back hit the couch we were on. “I just love you too much Adriana to let this keep on going like this when we’re both going through a lot.”

I nodded even though I couldn’t for the life of me think of all the things he was going through and I couldn’t help but think that if he loved me so much then we wouldn’t even be having that conversation.

“I think I’m going to go,” I said as I placed my feet on the floor and pushed the pillow off me.

“You can stay,” he said as he sat up again, “I cooked dinner,” he said.

I shook my head, “no, no that’s okay,” I said as I started walking to his front door feeling like this would be the last time I would be in his home.

“I love you Adriana,” he said as he pulled the door open.

“That’s,” I started and thought of my words, “that’s nice,” I muttered.

His eyebrows furrowed and he grabbed my elbow, spinning me around to face him. My hands instinctively went to his chest as I steadied myself. I could feel his warm breath over my face, “tell me you love me too Adriana,” he almost whispered. I looked at him confused before he repeated himself louder. “Tell me you love me Adriana.”

“I—“ I licked my chapped lips and looked down to his shirt, the v neck allowing me to see the light dusting of hairs as his chest moved up and down quickly with his breathing—always a bad sign. “I don’t, I mean I don’t know Javier,” I finished.

I didn’t see his eyes but they must have narrowed angrily as he let go of my elbow and almost shoved me as he slammed the door in my face. I shook it off and willed the tears to go away as I walked down the path to the street where I cursed the mini cooper for breaking down and leaving me car less.

“Gaby, is mom home?” I asked as she picked up the phone on the second ring.

“Yeah,” she answered, “you want me to get her?”

“No,” I answered, “listen can you come get me at Javier’s?”

She sighed loudly, “let me get mom to pick you up.”

“No Gaby,” I muttered, “you need to come.”

“Mom’ll be faster,” she tried to argue.

“Gaby,” I mumbled and I could feel that I wouldn’t be able to hold in the tears for so much longer, “please come pick me up.”

“I’ll be there in ten minutes,” she answered before hanging up.

My fingers went to the bridge of my nose and I breathed deeply as I tried to hold it in. It all crashed onto me at that moment and I felt like I couldn’t breathe and that everything was collapsing around me. This is why I had wanted to start the conversation about our relationship. I knew that in whatever direction the conversation went I would end up like this.

True to her word Gaby drove up to me in less than ten minutes.

“What’s wrong?” she asked as I sat down and shut the door behind me. She turned off the music and placed her hand on my shoulder, pulling down my bag.

I lost it then and there, and the tears seemed to never want to end.

“I think,” I hiccupped, “I think he broke up with me.”