Breathe Me in Sweet Suffering

"Katt. Wake up. Katt."

I groaned, annoyed at the person poking me in the stomach. Bam was kneeling in front of the bed smirking at me.

"Feeling better?"

"Much better."

He smiled teasingly.

"Good. Then you can explain why Chris I hate him Cerulli is sleeping in your bed."

What the hell was he talking about? There was no way in hell Chris would be in my bed. I didn't even want him in my room. Bam smiled at my disbelieving face and looked down. I looked to where he was looking. There was an arm wrapped around me. A huge pale arm. And there was something big warm and breathing close to my back. Dream Chris and real Chris was the same person. Last night had been real and not just some feverish dream. Bam chuckled finding my confused expression amusing. Traitor. This wasn't amusing at all.

"I'll go and make breakfast. Your parents will be here soon so if I were you I would wake up Mister Cerulli here before they get here and drag him down for breakfast."

Bam chuckled all the way out of my room. I wiggled trying to get out of Chris' grasp but it only resulted in him pulling me closer and rubbing his nose against my neck. I shivered at the touch. Damn it. How the hell could I get out of his vice grip without kicking his groin again? I wasn't even sure I could in this position. He pressed me a little closer and sighed contently.

I froze. What's that? Yes, there was definitive something hard pressed against my thigh. Something that wasn't his knee.

He is asleep. Is a completely normal reaction of a healthy teenage male and has absolutely nothing to do with you. The rational voice in my head did not however make me feel any better. Oh god. How was I supposed to wake him up now? Maybe I should just lie there till he let go a little more. Yeah. That was a good plan. I could wait and then wake him up. He never needed to know that he had been pressing his hard on against me and I could pretend that part never happened.

Chris suddenly pulled me even closer and I could feel his lips against my neck. His groin pressed tighter to my thigh and his hips made a small jutting motion, rubbing his erection against me. One time I could have managed but he didn't stop with one.

Screw the plan!

I elbowed him in the chest probably hurting myself more than him and let out a noise between a yelp and a screech. Chris jumped up and in the turmoil of flailing legs and arms caught in the heavy wool blanket I fell out of the bed. This had to be the most awkward moment in my life. My enemy Chris was sitting in my bed with a boner. I had in what I thought was a feverish dream, forgiven him for all the shit he had put me through. He had been creepy nice the day before and I had let him care for me. Even sleep with me in my bed. For the first time in my life I had no idea of how to act. Judging from the expression on Chris' face I wasn't the only one. He looked almost afraid. Probably afraid that I would start yelling rape on the top of my lungs. I took a deep breath. Food. I doubted food could make this any less awkward but at least it was something to do. Something that could prevent talking until I had made some sense of this whole thing.

"Breakfast?"

Chris nodded.

"Okay then. Just follow me."

God this was awkward.

It didn't become less awkward when Bam smirked crookedly at me when we came into the kitchen and then glared at Chris. They were both glaring at each other and I had no idea what was going on. The male spices of the human race were sometimes confusing. Not a word was said between the two but it seemed like they had just instantly decided that they didn't like each other. And that in merely seconds.

"Bam this is Chris. Chris this is Bam."

More glaring. Right. Clearly I shouldn't be holding my breath for a handshake or any action from the two of them that could make this whole thing a little less painful for me. The sudden ringtone of a cellphone made me jump. It was Chris`s phone and I prayed it was something really urgent that would get him the hell out of my house rather quickly.

"What? Kim's mom won't let you see Kim anymore? Well what the hell do you expect me to do about it?"

Kim's mom. I knew her approval of TJ wouldn't last very long. At first she had been impressed that Kim had landed the son of a lawyer and a dentist but as soon as those rumors about TJ's friends reached her she would put her foot down. All she cared about was her own social standing and the only good thing about her daughter in her eyes was despite the fact that Kim was nothing like the daughter she wanted, Kim at least had not given the ladies in her social circle any reason to look down on her for having a bad daughter.

I looked at the phone in the kitchen. Just a simple call and I could easily fix this. For some reason Mrs. Genna liked me and easily overlooked the fact that I was the result of a teenage pregnancy because my mom had done the right thing. She had married my biological dad, went on and gotten a good education and then married a lawyer. Just a few words and Mrs. Genna would be convinced that Lost boys were just some kind of scouts club or something. The question was did I even want to?

She had dumped me as a friend without any explanation and honestly I shouldn't care. But I did. It was the right thing to do and since when was I the kind of person who ignored the right thing to do just because I didn't like someone? It wasn't like not doing anything would make me feel better either. Hesitantly I grabbed the phone and winched as my fingers automatically dialed the number. I had not called it for months and yet it was still burned into my brain.

"Genna residence."

Damn. That woman sounded pretentious even when answering the phone.

"Hey it`s Katt. I was just wondering if Kim is ready? Brandon is taking us up the cliffs today."

There was a pause and I could almost hear her thinking.

"Brandon?"

"Brandon Schepetti"

The way she said his name plainly told me she didn't exactly have a good opinion about .

"Yes. Kim didn't tell you about that? He created this group for teenagers where he takes us out in the woods and learn us to navigate and such. Think he started it because he was worried about what teenagers get up to in Scranton since there isn't a lot to do around here. A kind of anti-alcohol and drug group with focus on the straight edge traditions and exercise. Kim and I joined when Chris and everyone did and it`s really cool. Sometimes we even have barbeques ."

And I was so lying threw my teeth. Whatever Chris' gang did I doubted trips into the woods were included.

"Oh really?"

I could hear her wavering and knew I had her now.

"Yeah. We really approve of it. You know how worried they are about the teenagers here and they thought that instead of adding a program for the older kids at the community center it would encourage more to join if there was a younger person leading it and the older teens didn't have to feel like they were in kindergarten or something. Kim and I thought it would be really cool to join in and I started up an after school tutor program where those who have problems at school can come to me for help."

"That is so nice of you Katt."

I almost gagged at the sweetness in her voice. Mrs. Genna didn't give a damned about those less unfortunate or those with problems but charity sounded like a good thing to brag about during one of her many tea parties.

"So you are going to the bonfire too then?"

Hah. No way in hell. Not even if they dragged me kicking and screaming. I avoided the beach bonfires like the plague. It was bad enough being the "Snowy: kid at school so there was no way in hell I would put myself threw a community bonfire.

"Yeah of course."

Mrs. Genna seemed totally convinced and I thanked the gods that I was good at bullshitting.

"Then I am guessing you can pick Kim up then so that she doesn't have to call her boyfriend to come and get her."

Damned. It was a parental test for sure. If I refused chances were that she would still keep Jared from Kim. Perhaps even send her to boarding school as she had threatened with before when Kim didn't meet her expectations.

"Yeah I was just heading out so I can pick her up on the way to Devin's. See you soon Mrs. Genna."

See? This was what doing the right thing got you. Now I had to do some small talk with the most hypocritical and judgmental woman on the rez for someone who wasn't even my friend anymore.

A woman who repeatedly praised me for being such a good girl despite my unconventional upbringing. The way she said it pretty much made me feel like I had been brought up in a crack shed and that it was only chance that I had, as Mrs. Genna always said, turned out so well. Perhaps I was paranoid but everything that woman said seemed to have a hidden insult. Even the compliments.

"Don't say a word."

I wasn't quite sure if I meant Chris or Bam. Probably both as they both tended to be smart mouths. I did not want or need any of their comments. Not when I was mentally preparing myself so that I would not have a Katt moment in front of Mrs. Genna. It of course didn't help that I felt like I looked like hell. My skin was slightly sticky and my short hair had knots in it that I just knew was going to hurt to get out. And Chris was still here. This wasn't a good day. It had started as a nice day but then again every day was nice when I was warm, sleepy and comfy. Finding out the reason to why I was so comfy and that I had defiantly not been hallucinating the night before had been the start of a very bad day indeed.

"I need to wash up a bit. Do you need a ride somewhere? I can drop you off before I pick up Kim."

I only said it to be nice. The guy had after all brought me chicken soup so I could be somewhat polite back. Chris shook his head and I breathed out relieved. I really didn't want him around on top of all this. Especially not when I was still feeling a bit under the weather and my defenses were not up properly.

"No that's okay. Hope you are feeling better."

The door closed behind him before that last sentence was processed in my brain. It had sounded honest. Like he actually cared. Chicken soup. Sitting on his lap. Him holding my shivering and frankly disgusting sweaty and feverish body. Just trying to make sense of it all made my brain hurt. What the hell was really going on in PA these days? It sure as hell wasn't me because I felt much the same as I had three weeks ago. Just really confused in addition to being well me.

I hated this car. Like really hated it. Who the hell would rent a freaking open sports car in Washington? Or rather what the hell was Bam thinking when he rented one? . I could feel every damned dump in the road and was shivering with cold when I parked it in front of Kim`s house. At least Mrs. Genna was impressed. Her eyes were possibly gleaming as they slid over the expensive car parked in her driveway. She even looked around to see if there was anyone around to see the car in her driveway and smiled satisfied as some cars slowed down at the sight of it. She dusted her pants suit for some invisible dust and greeted me with a smile and a kiss to the cheek.

"It`s so good to see you Katt. And you cut your hair again. Are you sure you don't want to save it a little? A little more feminine look would look good on you."

Not even a minute and she had already subtly criticized me. Unfortunately it wasn't even a new record. Kim shuffled out from behind her and her ears reddened as I raised a brow at the sight of her. Kim was wearing a skirt and a thin pink sweater and I doubted she had picked out the outfit herself. Kim was like me, a hoodie and jeans kind of girl and there was no way she had picked out that incredibly pink sweater herself either. Mrs. Genna didn't even seem to see how uncomfortable Kim was as her eyes slid critically over her daughter.

"I really wished you could wear some make up honey. It makes your eyes seem bigger. No one likes to be squinted at dear."

I winched at the same time Kim did at that sentence. It never stopped astonished me how critical Kim's mother was. It was like Kim had to be perfect to be loved by her and I knew from past experience that nothing Kim did was ever good enough. Kim could never be pretty enough. Never smart enough and never neat enough. It was no wonder why Kim was the shyest person I had ever met. With a mother like that she had probably crushed any initiative in the girl when she was a mere toddler. I grabbed her hand on instinct and my cheeks hurt by the fake smile I was putting on.

"We better be going Mrs. Genna. Being on time is important you know."

Mrs. Genna nodded clearly agreeing.

"Remember to be home at ten Kim. I won`t have the neighbor's thinking my daughter is tardy. And try not to be clumsy again. That sweater was quite expensive you know."

Kim nodded looking down and only those who knew her could see that she was trying to blend into the background.

"Yes m…m… mom."

Kim winched again as her mother glared at her for stuttering. Like getting angry at Kim helped her with the stuttering. I was actually pretty sure that the reason she stuttered when she was nervous was something that came from her mother`s judgmental personality. Who wanted to talk to a woman who criticized everything you said. And the more Mrs. Genna picked on Kim the worse her stuttering became. I almost dragged Kim into the car, eager to get away from that woman and as far away from her perfect garden and perfect house as I could possibly come.

Without a second look I backed the car out and didn't care that I possibly pressed a little too hard on the pedal to get the hell out of there. Kim met my eyes in the mirror and for a short second things were back to normal. It felt like any other day where I rescued her from her mother. And then guilt filled those brown eyes and the moment was gone.

We were not friends anymore.

She knew it. I knew it.

Only I didn't know why. It had happened so suddenly and without any clear reason and I wanted to ask her why but my pride wouldn't let me. I wasn't about to beg her for a reason to why she suddenly had stopped calling me or why she had only taken a look at me before walking away that day at school. She was the one that had chosen this and I might be many things but I sure as hell wasn't pathetic enough to beg for a reason.

If you have nothing else then pride is the last thing to go.

I don't know who told me that but it was like burned into my brain. And it wasn't really like I didn't have anything in my life. I had my parents who loved me. I had aunt Hailey and my foster cousins. And Bam. Strictly speaking I didn't exactly need Kim in my life. Besides this whole thing was just going to last one more year. Then I would be going away to college and the painful process that was high school would just be a chapter in my life and not the whole story.

High school is just something everyone has to go through.

Mom had told me that and she was the one that had been kicked out from home when she was sixteen. Compared to her high school years my own were a piece of cake.

Devin's house appeared in the distance and I noticed that the front porch was filled with giants.

Kim got out of the car and tried to meet my eyes but I looked demonstratively away. Oddly as it was I didn't want her to feel like she owned me anything. I didn't want her gratitude. It wasn't for her I was doing this but because I could and because it was the right thing to do. No one should ever deny someone help even if they didn't deserve it. That was what my mom had taught me and I was sticking to it. I put the car in reverse, not giving anyone a chance to say anything to me before speeding out of the driveway. I wanted to go home and try to drown myself in my pillow. Just in case this day could get any worse.

I doubted it but I wasn't taking any chances.