Breathe Me in Sweet Suffering

Peace. Nice blissful peace. I would never complain about being alone ever again. Not after knowing how uncomfortable it could be not being alone.

Chris had been absent the day after the kidnapping episode and day two after he came back he had not started stalking me again. I still caught him staring a couple of times but at least he didn't breath down my neck anymore. Or hover. It was really creepy when someone that tall hovered over me.

A sound from the forest to my left made me jump. It sounded like something big.

Please don't let it be a bear.

Maybe I should turn back home?

No. I really did not want to go home right now. Mom had asked me were my tall and mysterious friend was and she had that look in her eye. That look that meant she would ask and ask until I lost it and blurted out everything. Much more effective than any form of parental questioning I had ever heard of.

If I stayed out of the house for a couple of hours she would hopefully forget the whole thing. Hopefully. I wasn't really counting on it. For some reason mom thought I was weird for never talking about boys. Chances were that I had another are you sure you are not gay talks coming my way very soon. Those were only slightly less painful than her sex talks. Those included porn videos or shadow puppets. Sometimes even stick figures.

I kept walking the small path while listening. No more sounds. Probably just my imagination going wild. The dark woods of Lakawanna did that to people. With its large old threes it did after all look like it had been taken from a fairytale or a fantasy movie.

My favorite spot was just under a small three. I could see the cemetary from there and it was a little bit out of the common way so I could sketch in peace since no one ever walked by. I put down my folder and leaned into the three. Perfect. I found this place when I had moved here from Seattle. Not even Kim knows about this place. As ridiculous as it sounded it was my place. Maybe I would show Bam it but that's about it. After all the whole point of this place was that I could go there when I didn't want to be found. Telling people would ruin that.

I tugged out a blank sheet and looked at it. It's funny how my mind works really. When other people look at a blank paper they see just the blank. I see lines, contours and figures. Mom says I see possibilities. I guess that's true. I do the same with all kinds of empty spaces. Like walls, fences and so on. I painted my room and Kyle and moms. I also painted our winter garden and Kyle's nephew`s room. People would call it a hobby but sometimes it's more of an obsession.

When I draw I lose everything.

My surroundings, time and place. All that matters is that empty space that I could fill with anything I wanted. Sometimes I was not even completely aware of what I was drawing. It was a bit like dreaming. You know you are doing something but you don't know what. That's why I didn't notice that it was getting late before a cold breeze went right into my clothes and made me shudder. I looked up and froze. I was not alone and I was being stared at. A huge wolf with dark silver fur was staring right at me from the forest edge.

I should have been freaked out. Even that little voice in my head that usually convinced me to do stupid things was urging me to get the hell out of there. Even suggesting that jumping off the cliff would be marginally better than being eaten. The wolf lowered its head like it was trying to look smaller than it was. With its head on its paws and its ears turned back it was like the huge wolf was afraid of little me. I bit my lip so I wouldn't giggle and scare it away.

"Hello there. Aren't you a beautiful one?"

The wolf flicked its ear forward again and looked at me almost longingly. Probably just my imagination but I still stretched out my hand slowly.

"Want to come over here? You can if you want to."

It was stupid really. Wild wolves did not just walk up to people. And they didn't understand what you were saying to them either. Even stupider was willingly inviting over something that looked like it could and would eat me.

It couldn't possibly have understood me but still the wolf crawled closer on its belly as its tail hesitantly swaggered behind it. I held my breath as it came so close to my hand that if I stretched out my fingers I could touch it. Still I waited till my fingers bumped into it. Its fur was soft, much softer than I had assumed. I stroked the wolf over its ears and sides. Lifted a paw and touched the hard black claws and the hard padding under its paws. Memorized its every detail. That's something I love about having a photographic mind. I don't need the subject to be there to draw it and I was so painting this wolf. The wolf started to make a soft rumbling sound as I stroked its sides. Other than the soft rumbling, which I guess was the wolf version of a cats purring, the wolf stayed still under my hands. It only flinched slightly when I caressed its muzzle and carefully lifted its mouth too look at the teeth. Wow they were huge. Like in better to eat you with huge. Wary of those huge teeth I moved my hand back to its head and rubbed one very large furry ear. The wolf closed its eyes in an expression of bliss and the rumbling sound got louder.

I could stay like this forever but it was getting dark and if I was not home soon, mom and Kyle would freak. Or rather Kyle would freak out and mom would be crossing her fingers that I was late because I was seeing a boy. Witch when she found out I had not would lead to questions and possibly another it is okay to be gay talks.

"Sorry Wolfie. But I have to go."

The wolf didn't stay but followed me a couple of steps behind me as I walked through the forest.

When I reached the road and turned, it was gone. It was like it had never been there. I smiled to myself. The wolf was a wonderful inspiration. So what if it was probably just created by my own imagination, a further proof that I was turning into my mom who swore she saw both fairies and leprechauns. As long as my imagination created beautiful things like that wolf and gave me so much inspiration that I probably wouldn't sleep tonight and instead spend the whole night drawing, I really did not care if it was just a figure created by my mind.

Mom was already setting the table as I got in and smiled widely when she spotted me.

"Hey honey. I made lasagna today."

I raised a brow. Nothing smelt burned. No oozing smoke from the kitchen. The house was still standing. Witch meant there was no way in hell my mom had made food. She could hardly boil water. Even toast went wrong for her and once she had set fire to the curtains when trying to make waffles. Mom sighed in defeat at my expression of disbelief.

"Okay. Kyle made lasagna. But I did cut the cheese."

A woman her age shouldn't sound so pleased by the fact that she had helped making dinner by cutting cheese. I chuckled at her and was replied with a light smack to the back of my head.

"Cheeky child."

Kyle came out of his study with a frown and a pensive look on his russet face.

"I just got the weirdest call. The Sola's want Katt to tutor some kids in her grade."

I stiffened. I didn't like were this was going.

"I hope it won't be a bother for you Katt, but it's the Sola's and… Nobody says no to the."

I faked a smile, keeping the dread away. It didn't have to have anything to do with Chris. Or the rest of the Lost Boys It could be completely innocent.

"Who is it?"

"Chris Cerulli and Ryan Sitowski."

Oh goodie. My after school time was supposed to be a giant free time and more importantly, a Chris free time.

"They will come over tomorrow and I promised you would help them with their studies every Thursday and Monday. I hope it won't be a problem for you. I could always call and cancel if you like."

God I really wanted to ask him that, but I also knew how much my dad liked Devin's parents and such. And it wasn't like I could tell him why I didn't want to either. Not without major after effects. No dad likes to hear that their little girl is getting stalked. I remembered all too vividly what had happened with that poor guy that Kyle had seen giving me a kiss when we had visited aunt Hailey one summer. We were both ten and still Kyle had acted like the poor kid had tried to deflower me. Raymond still didn't look at me years after that and fled any room I was in.

"No its fine. I was thinking about tutoring as it would look good on my college application."

And I had. I had just not assumed that adding something as simple as after school tutoring would cost me blood, sweat and nerves. And patience I wasn't sure I had. Teaching Chris anything had to be like trying to write something on a brick wall with just my fingers. Kyle smiled brightly and was clearly happy that I had accepted.

"Good. They will be coming over right after school."

Fuck. My house just stopped being a giant free zone.