Junk

Staring up the house that I used to call mine through the gates at the bottom of the drive way, I thought back on all the memories that were created and shared between me and Sidney. All the good times, and all the bad times, all the tears and all the laughs.

I would do anything to have that life back. But now, because of me, it's fucked.

I was torn from my thoughts by the little voice of my precious son, Oscar.
“MAMMA!”
Snapping out of my day dreams I watched as his little legs ran down the porch steps, across the luscious green grass and crashed into the gate, his tiny arms trying desperately to reach me through the bars.
“Mamma, came back!” At just three years old he didn't understand why I wasn't around like I was. Why I wasn't curled up with Sidney when he comes trotting into the bedroom with his snuggly securely clenched in his fist. Why he hasn't seen me in 9 months.

“Oh baby,” tears welled up in my already burning and blood shot eyes “I'm here baby, I'm here.”
dropping down to my knees I threaded my arms through the bars and around him, trying to bring him as close to me as I could as I placed kiss after kiss upon his soft skin.

After what felt like seconds I felt Oscar being taken from my hold
“NOOO, MAMMMAAA!” He let out a heart wrenching scream and started to sob “DADDY! DOWN MAMMAA!” I watched as Sidney held on tightly as Oscar flailed his arms around wildly trying to get away from his grip while screaming intelligible words.

“Sidney, please-”
“No! Sparrow you need to leave. Right. Now.” Sidney spat out at me through gritted teeth and a tight jaw,
“But I just-”
“I SAID NOW!” Sidney bellowed. His loud voice making Oscar scream louder and throw his limbs more
“DADDY! WANT MAMMA! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!! AAHHHH!”

Watching my little boy scream and sob and fight with his father like that made my heart ache. I just wanted to hold him, calm him down and tell him everything would be OK, that I love him and I'm not going to leave him again. I watched with tears rolling down my face as Sidney turned and started walking back to the house.

“Sid! Sidney! Please, don't take him away from me!” I screamed as I pressed in the code to the gate as best I could with trembling hands. 94-51-30. Still I was denied access, I tried again and again and again, getting more and more frantic the more I was denied and the closer Sidney got to the door of the house.

“SIDNEY! LET ME IN, HE'S MY SON TOO! I DESERVE TO BE ABLE TO SEE HIM!!” I screamed as loud as I could, my voice laced with anguish.
“Try that code all you want Sparrow! I changed it, you're not welcome here anymore!” Sidney called just before closing the door, cutting out the sight of my baby boy, but not the screams.
“NO NO NO!! Oh god, please no!” I sobbed. unwilling to accept that the code was wrong, I continued to punch in the number just hoping and praying it would work. “Please, oh please! OSCAR!”

I felt somewhat familiar arms wrap around my waist trying to pull me away from the gate but I resisted.
“Let me go! I have to get in there! SIDNEY! OSCAR! No!”
The mysterious person turned me around and pressed me to their broad well built chest. The soothing, familiar scent washed over me as I collapsed into the man, buried my face into his t-shirt and held onto him as if my life depended on it.

“Ma chère,” the voice said “You need to calm down. This isn't helping anything”
“Flower” I sobbed pathetically, my voice cracking and giving out due to the frantic screaming and crying.
“shh, shh, it's alright. Everything will be OK” Marc Andre softly spoke after placing a kiss to my forehead and rubbing a hand over my back.
“No, it's not,” My breathing started to pick up and being frantic “I fucked it all up,” I pulled away from Marc and looked up at his face, “I fucked it up, and now I can never see my baby boy again”

Marc's hands rested on my shoulders as he lowered his face to look me directly in the eyes
“Sparrow, you need to focus on your breathing. In, out, in, out. Can you do that for me?”

I tried to do as he instructed but my lungs were burning, up in flames and my air ways constricted not letting any air enter my lungs. I couldn't get a breath, my heart felt like it was going to burst, pounding so hard I could only just make out the soothing calm words Marc Andre was speaking to me. I felt that I was going to faint, I was drenched in sweat and I felt sick. I start shaking like I've just come out of the water and into the snow.

“Sparrow calm down, you're having a panic attack, its fine. Come back, focus. In, out, in, out, slowly.” I started taking large slow breaths while looking at Marc in the eyes. Slowly I started to calm down enough to regulate my breathing and stop my pounding heart. “That's it. Good girl, that's it sparrow, you got it.” he said and pulled me back into a hug.

“Flower” I said weakly, my head still securely tucked into his neck. “Please, can you speak to him? Please? I just needs to see Oscar” I finished with a slight hiccup with tears welling in my eyes once more
“I try. I will. But Sid is stubborn, you know that. But I try.”

Closing my eyes tight, I felt myself being lifted and placed in the back of what I was assuming was Marc Arndre's car.

~~ Flashback 2012 ~~

“Sweetie, seriously...this is what baby showers are for. If you continue at this rate there will be no point in even having one and the invites have already been sent,” I laughed as we came back from a walk to find there were dozens of boxes waiting for us on the drive way.

It had been this way since I revealed to him that I was pregnant. He went overboard and was buying everything for the baby, as well as anything and everything for me from cute maternity clothes to slippers, the special pregnancy pillows, all the books and all the foods I craved.

“I just can't stop myself,” he smiled and kissed the side of my head. I opened the door and started helping him move stuff in “Just light stuff, babe. Here,” he said handing me a light package.

I was lucky though. He let me do my own thing and while his buying behaviour along with his overall protectiveness would suggest otherwise. He was okay with me doing yoga, doing light workouts and carrying things on my own within reason. I was getting huge by this point and wasn't suppose to lift a lot of heavy stuff.

In just a month we'd have a beautiful little baby boy. Being pregnant brought me and Sidney closer together. It's a deeper connection, I'm having his baby; his precious little boy. I was surprised a shotgun hadn't come in the mail yet. He was already incredibly protective of him and had pretty much grounded him until he was 35 in his mind.

<i>“you've been in the locker room. You see how shitty guys can be,” he rambled as we lay in bed one night after finding out the sex of the baby. His head on my chest and his hand softly running over my stomach.

“But, the girls are just as bad,” I responded “We'll raise our little hockey start to respect himself and others” I ran my fingers through his hair.

“This kid if going to be so good looking. We're going to have to imprison him in the house” he said seriously and kissed my belly, “It's not your fault you have such good looking parents,” he was talking to my stomach, which at this point has just started to form at almost 5 months “But remember, you cannot have a girlfriend until you're 35. Thirty-five!”

“Sid, relax” I laughed “our son will be fine. We'll just set him up with little Lola. We'll keep it in the family” I said sarcastically which was clearly missed by him.

“that's a great idea!” he exclaimed, lifted his head and looked at me, “we can keep an eye on them...yes, very good”

I turned over onto my side, placed my hand on his chest, pressed our foreheads together, and said
“I can't decide if you're actually serious with this non-sense or not. I'm hoping it's all just sarcasm that I'm missing.” I moved my hand from his chest to lay lightly on his neck as he put his arms around me.

“Part of it is melodramatics and part of it is serious. He's going to be a handful” he sighed and pressed his lips to mine
“We'll deal with it when it happens,” I said between soft kisses “we still have four months to go.”</i>
“How many slings do I need?” I laughed as I opened the boxes.
“I thought you’d like that pattern. Are you mad?” Sidney said with a hesitant smile

“Mad? Why would I be mad? I just think you should take it easy. Let my girlfriends and our families have a part in this too,” I laughed.
“Okay, I’ll stop,” He smiled and shut the door behind him as he brought the last box into the apartment.

“Thank y-“ I started but was cut off when the baby kicked.
“You okay?” Sidney was at my side in an instant, hands on shoulders looking me in the eye
“He just kicked a little hard,” I took his hand and put it on my belly.

“I’ll never get tired or used to that feeling,” His voice laced with wonderment as he knelt down in front of me and kissed my stomach.
“I’m hungry.” I sighed and pulled him up to press my lips to his.
“What do you want? What can I get you?”
“Just some ice cream would be nice and maybe we can watch a movie in bed?”

“Go get comfortable. I’ll bring you some ice cream.”
“Soon this will be over, ugh!” I said sarcastically and went toward our bedroom.
“I’ll try and keep it up as much as possible!” he chucked and walked towards the kitchen.