Junk

“Okay, what’s happening? Jody, tell me what’s going on!” Sidney demanded as Jody, our nurse, wheeled me into an operating room.
“Mr. Crosby, we don’t know. We are going to go take a look and see what’s going on,” Jody said calmly.
“What about the baby?” I croaked from the hospital bed

“We’ll see when we can get a better look. I'm sorry, but Mr. Crosby you have to stay here,” She said as we reached a set of doors. “I’ll let you know everything, okay? But you gotta stay in the waiting room.”

“I love you,” Sidney frantically kissed my head. He was not composed at all, which caused me to try and be the bigger person.
“I love you too. It’ll be alright!” I feigned a smile and then we went through the doors.
“Tell me the baby is going to be okay, Jody,” I almost whispered.
“We have to take a look,” Is all she responded and they pushed my stretcher into an operating room.

My clothes were taken off and a hospital gown was thrown on the top of me. Everything was happening so fast I didn’t know what was going on. They had an ultrasound going of my stomach and I just was fading faster. I felt my eyelids getting heavy.

“Her blood pressure is dropping!” I heard Jody yell. “We need to get her vitals hooked up.”

I faded out and all I could feel were my arms being pulled and prodded. They were hooking me up to IV’s and putting things on my chest. I tried to stay conscious in my head, but it was really hard.

“Mrs. Crosby, stay with me okay? Stay with me Sparrow” I heard Jody say to me calmly.
“Wha-wha’s happening?” It felt like it took all of my energy just to get those few words out.
“The placenta detached early and you had some bleeding into it. We’re going to have to deliver the baby now.” I could feel myself feeling the IV’s and the shock of having to deliver the baby now woke me up a bit. I think it was the adrenaline.
“Is she going to be okay?” I asked scared, but I didn’t get an answer.

A curtain was put up in front of me and I could feel that I was numb from the waist down. They were going to deliver my baby and it was going to be a beautiful day. That’s all I could think. I didn’t want to think of anything else. I wanted Sidney with me so bad. I needed him here to help me be strong.

”She had concealed bleeding,” I could hear a man say.
“What’s happening? Why won’t anyone talk to me?” I cried, while looking around trying to see anything
“Sparrow, we have to get this procedure done and we’ll talk you through what happened. We are all needed to help in this, okay?” Jody soothed and then went back in front of the curtain.
I felt like I had been on the table for hours, but it had only been forty five minutes. I was starting to feel weak again. I fought to keep my eyelids open, but it was overwhelming.

“We gotta stop this bleeding!” I heard a man yell and my eyelids won the fight.

+++

“She’s gonna need a lot of support and rest, okay?” I heard Jody say as I laid asleep.
“We’re here for her,” I heard my mother say sadly and my heart sank. Did I lose the baby?
“Mom?!” I croaked fighting to open my eyes. I was definitely sore.
“Angel, how are you feeling?” My mother was at my side and pulled up a chair to stroke my hair away from my face

“Did I lose the baby? What happened?” I just started to cry, I felt my heart crack
“Oh, my angel,” She whispered. “They tried to save you both, they did. You had been bleeding for a few days they think and it was mostly concealed, but it got into the placenta.” She struggled with telling me the story.

“Where’s Sidney?” I cried, tears falling down my face and into my hair. I felt my heart shatter and break into a million tiny sharp pieces.
“He’s here, he’s filling out some paperwork and he’ll be right in. We are here for you, okay?” She kissed my head and the tears dropped from her eyes too.

“Daddy,” I sobbed. “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry for what baby-girl?” He asked sitting on the end of my bed and rubbing my legs.
“She was your little girl already,” I sobbed putting my hands up to cover my face
“Baby, it wasn’t your fault, okay?”

“Where’s Sidney? I just need to see him,” I cried uncontrollably.
“I’m right here,” He said out of breath as if had run to my room. He got into bed and laid next to me taking me in his arms. “I'm right here baby” he let me bury my head into his neck and kissed my forehead.

“I lost our little girl, I’m so sorry,” I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing.
“You did not. You didn’t do anything,” He rocked me in his arms and kissed my head again, running his fingers through my hair.
“I’m sorry,” I just kept repeating it over and over again. I couldn’t help but feel this was my fault.
“Stop it. You have no reason to be sorry,” Sidney cried.
“I should have just let you carry everything. I shouldn’t have been walking around,” I cried thinking back at things I could have done to cause this.
“You didn’t do anything. This happens sometimes and not because you did anything,” My mother stroked my hair.

I just cried. I couldn’t do anything else. I was speechless aside from apologizing. Sidney just held me and cried with me too. I had carried the baby for nine months and grown so attached. I was nervous for her, but more excited than anything. She was going to be the most spoiled baby ever thanks to her dad, her older brother and the guys on the team. I was looking forward to her growing up and teaching her about the world, about boys and other girly things.

“Do you want to eat?” Sidney asked me politely after a few hours. My parents had passed out in the chairs in the room.
“How can I eat?” I started to cry again.
“Baby, we’ll get through this, okay? I know it seems like it’s something we’ll never get over, but we’ll eventually have to. We’ll get through it together, We have Oscar to consume ourselves with. He have a beautiful healthy baby boy running around. At least we can be thankful for something” he said kissing every part of my face.

“Help me figure out where to even start,” I held him as tight as I could.
“We’ll have to figure that out together because to be honest, I don’t even know.”
“Maybe a peanut butter and banana milk shake?” I said into his chest.
“Of course,” Sidney pushed my hair back from my face gently and kissed my forehead and then my nose and then my lips.

“And maybe-“
“A Take-5?” He cut me off with a smile as he crawled out of bed.
“And a Take-5,” I smiled and he grabbed his jacket
“And maybe-”
“A cuddle with Osccy?”
“And a cuddle with my baby” I said with a sniff and watched him leave the room.

I just looked down at my stomach, it was all gone; everything. It really seemed like there was no light at the end of the tunnel. How was I supposed to just move on from this? She was so close to being born and perfect. If I had just forced Sidney to take me to the hospital when I thought there was something wrong. If I hadn’t tried to calm myself down thinking it was just a normal thing, this would have all been different. I would be sitting here in the hospital with my little girl in my arms.
I lost track of the time but the next thing I heard was the sweet toddler talk from my little boy. The one thing I hoped would get us through this.

“daaa!!”I could hear in the hallway. Oscar was was really happy to see his daddy.
“Hey mom, hey dad” I heard Sidney say through the door “Thanks for bringing him. She really needs him. It’s not visiting hours, but you can sneak in. Keep her company till I get back, okay?” I didn’t hear a response, but I heard footsteps down the hallway.

“Hey,” Trina and Troy poked their heads in the room, it was easy to see that they had been crying.
“Hi,” I sighed trying to keep the waterworks back.
“Maaaaa” Oscar babbled from his perch on Trina's hip, reaching his arms out and clapping for me.
“How are you doing?” Trina asked as her, Troy and Oscar crept into the room.

“I don’t know. I don’t know what to feel or how to be,” I started crying again, as I reached out and pulled Oscar into my arms and held on to him. Oscar filled the spot where Sidney had been and wrapped his tiny arms around my neck and his head on my shoulder and twisted my hair around his fingers. We just sat there silent for a bit. My parents both woke up and came to my side too.

“Thank you for coming, you two,” My mother said
“We’re all in the waiting room, but I couldn’t wait for visiting hours,” Trina cried as she watched me cry and hold my son
“Who’s here?” I asked. I felt bad they were all here and waiting.

“Staalzy, Marc, Vero, Geno, Talbot, TK, Tanger…I think the entire waiting room is here for you,” Trina laughed a bit.
“Tell them to go home. They shouldn’t be waiting for me.” I said and focused my attention to the boy in my arms
“They love you and they want to be here for you,” She said sternly.
“Be here for me? I just lost my baby,” I sobbed harder.
“You did not. Stop it with that talk,” She scolded again. Trina never really took my whining, she would always give me tough love.
“We’re gonna go and get everyone food then,” My father said and swept his hand across my face. I just nodded and kissed Oscar.
“Sparrow, you did nothing wrong. You have a huge and amazing support system and we’ll get you and Sid through this,” Troy assured me.

“I really need to just be alone right now, okay? Tell everyone I love them,” I moved slowly onto my side and away from Sidney's parents and tucked Oscar into my side more.

I needed to just be alone with the comfort of my little boy and not smothered for five minutes. I had to be alone with my thoughts and just try and get my head straight, if that was even possible. When I heard the door click I looked down at my sleeping son and pulled up my gown, just stared at my stomach. It was all gone. I was empty.