Nightingale

I woke up with Joel next to me. He had his arms wrapped around me and he was softly caressing my side. I knew he was awake but he didn't want to wake me, which I guessed was why he didn't get up.

Shifting, I turned to face him. His eyes were opened and when he saw I was awake, he smiled at me. He murmured hello and then leaned forward to kiss me. I smiled against his mouth and when he tried to pull away, I leaned in again.

When we parted, I curled into him. "Baby," Joel whispered.

"Yes?"

He sighed. "I think we need to talk about this, don't you?"

Although he didn't say what he meant, I knew what it was. We had been avoiding it for days. The past few days were rough for us. I was constantly with John, helping him with the wake and helping him get through the funeral for Gramps. He was depressed, worse than I had ever seen him. Because of that, I was spending the night with him. That didn't please Joel or Lennon at all.

I knew Joel wanted to be sympathetic and understanding towards the situation, but I also knew he couldn't help but wonder and be worried as well.

With a short breath, I nodded. "Okay."

"I love you, Savannah. I love you more than anything in this world. I love you and Ellie so much and I would give... everything I own and do anything I could to have you two in my life. And I knew what I was signing up for when I fell in love with you. I was warned multiple times by many people that you and John would always have that inevitable chemistry. At first I wasn't worried. But ever since El's birthday, I've started to worry. I can't lose you. So just tell me what I can do to keep you. And it's not that I don't trust you, because I do, with my whole heart, but I'm still scared because of how much I love you."

My hands went to his face to cup his cheeks. "You won't lose me, Joel. Yes, I will always love John. He's my first love and he is the father of my child but that's it. I'm not in love with him. I'm in love with you, Joel David Kanitz. And nothing will ever change that. Nothing can change that. You, my love, are stuck with me. I'm not going anywhere."

He smiled at me. I smiled back. "Okay. I'll go make breakfast and wait for Ellie to wake up. You go get dressed so you can go check on John. He looked pretty rough at the funeral yesterday."

I kissed him once more. "You are the worlds greatest boyfriend. How did I get so lucky?"

We both got out of bed and parted ways. Joel went to the kitchen and I went to the bathroom to shower.

During this whole grieving process, John and I hadn't done anything. We hadn't even kissed. It was simply a healing relationship during it. But I knew when I went over there, I had to end things for good. I couldn't keep doing this to Joel. I felt awful and it needed to end.

I was halfway through my shower when Joel joined me. He wrapped his arms around my wet skin and kissed my neck. "Where's Ellie?" I asked.

He kissed my back. "She's eating in front of the television."

I grinned and turned in Joel's arms. He kissed my mouth and there wasn't much showering after that.

~

Lennon was gone when I got to John's. She had gone to her parents for the day, leaving John alone. I rolled my eyes at that but Ellie was happy she was gone. John and I were concerned for Ellie because we weren't quite sure she completely understood the situation.

"Momma, Daddy, when is Gramps coming back?" she asked while sitting on John's lap.

He glanced at me with sad eyes. I knew he didn't know what to say. "Baby, we talked about this, remember?" I asked her. "Gramps is in Heaven. He's not with us anymore."

"Is he happy in Heaven?" Her voice was small when she spoke.

John lifted her to face him more. "He is happy, Ellie. Gramps is watching over us and he's making sure nothing bad happens to you. He loves you so much, I hope you know that."

She nodded and jumped off his lap. She said she was going to play in her room and she walked off, leaving me with John. I let out a deep breath, knowing what I had to do.

I opened my mouth to speak, but John beat me to it. "I wanted to thank you," he started, "for being here for me. I know it wasn't easy for you and Joel and it wasn't good for your relationship, but it meant a lot to me for you to be here. I love you, Savannah."

"I love you, too, John."

He reached for my hand and pulled me closer to him. He kissed me and I let him. He touched me and I still let him. I even let him push me down on the couch and crawl over me, still kissing me. However, when he reached for my top, I didn't let him. I pushed him back, saying no because of our daughter in the other room.

"We need to talk," I whispered. His eyes, recognizing my voice, grew sad. "I'm sorry, John."

He sighed and sat next to me. "Please don't do this," he begged. "I can't lose you, too."

"John, it isn't fair to Joel and Lennon and even Ellie. It isn't fair to us."

He put his head in his hands. "Please, Sav. I'll end things with Lennon, I'll do whatever you want, just please don't do this. I need you. I love you."

"I can't, John. We won't ever work again, can't you see that? After last time we were together-"

"I made a mistake, Savannah!" he nearly shouted. "You can't punish me forever! You're making the same mistake with Joel! I won't do it again. I won't ever do anything that would make me lose you. Can't you see that?"

He was desperate, I could see it in his eyes. He didn't want to lose me, but he had to. I couldn't do this to Joel. He didn't deserve it.

"John... I'm sorry, you know I love you, but I can't. Joel doesn't deserve this. He deserves better and it's just... Joel needs better."

"Okay," he murmured. "Okay... Can you stay with me tonight? One last night?"

"I won't change my mind, John..."

He nodded. "I know you won't. Just one night, that's all I want. One final night. With you and our daughter. One last night as a family."

I thought for a moment about what he said. "Okay, John," I agreed.

There was a soft smile on his lips as he leaned forward, kissing me again. "I love you," he told me.

"I love you. So much, John."

He turned on the television and August Rush was on. I smiled at it and he looked at me, smiling as well. This was one of my favorite movies and he knew that. He threw his arm around the back of the couch and I leaned into his side, watching as Lyla and Louis met for the first time at the party, instantly falling in love with each other.

I curled up next to John, and he held me close to him. He kissed my head and told me that he loved me. After, he called Ellie into the room. She sat between us, watching the movie that she also loved.

We spent the night as a family. I told Joel I was staying with Ellie, and although he seemed nervous and apprehensive, he still accepted it with no arguments. John, Ellie, and I stayed that way for the night.

It was obvious that Ellie was happy like this. She loved hanging out with her mommy and daddy, she always told us that. There was a permanent smile on her face as she sat with us. The only time it faltered was when we told her it was time for bed.

She had both of us put her bed. Once she was asleep, I went back to the living room with John. I expected to get my stuff together and go home, but John begged me to stay.

We lied together in his bed. I was wrapped in his arms and I never felt safer than at that moment. I knew at that moment that I belonged with John, but I couldn't be with him. I needed Joel. He was better for me. He was what I needed and what Ellie needed to see.

I had to do it for my daughter. Every thing I ever did was for my daughter.

"I am so in love with you," he whispered. "So in love with you."

"I hope you know I do love you also," I told him. I put my hand on his chest and he put his hand on mine. "But we just can't. We have to think of others. We have a daughter now, John. She's not a baby anymore either. We need to think of her and the effect it would have on her. We drew our line in the sand long ago and we can't cross it."

He nodded and yanked me closer to him. He kissed me and wrapped his arm around me. "Good night, baby."

We were quiet for a moment. I pursed my lips together and finally sat up. "John."

"Yes, Savannah?"

"Make love to me. Please, John."

He sat up also. We looked at each other for a moment and he finally nodded with a smile. "Of course, baby."