From Your Eyes

“Have you found her yet?”

Jeff let out a sigh of a chuckle, setting the large chocolate milkshake in his hand beside the bed before sitting down. He ran his thick fingers into his damp hair than down his face in an attempt to avoid the question altogether. Not even a foot in the door and he was being pelted with the reoccurring topic: his love life.

“No, Claire. I haven’t,” a small pout formed on her lips as she lay back in the uncomfortable hospital bed, her skin coloring slightly from frustration.

Jeff kept staring at the little girl, her hair missing and her skin as pale as the moon but she was still beautiful to him. Jeff met her two years ago, an event hosted by the Canes to visit a children’s hospital to meet their biggest fans. The guilt set in as he remembered that day, he didn’t want to go, cursing and mumbling to himself the whole ride there. He had been acting like a child at the time, ironic but true.

“Well, when? I want to know who you’ll marry before I get old!” Jeff smiled at her optimism. It was times like these where he had the same attitude.

“Peter Pan didn’t want to grow older, so you don’t have to either,” he pointed out.

“Peter Pan is fake, Jay,” the girl rolled her eyes and clicked her tongue before taking a large sip of the shake left for her. Jeff laughed and shook his head. She was getting older and it was scaring him how he couldn’t pretend to be happy anymore. He couldn’t say he was ‘fine’ and have the issue dropped; she was too smart and more perceptive of things. There hasn’t been a day where she doesn’t call him out on looking upset over something.

Claire Barnes was the most vivacious and brightest 11-year old girl he had ever met. She reminded Jeff of his own sisters, a home away from home. Claire drew Jeff in the first day by stating, with utter and complete confidence, that Sidney Crosby was the best hockey player created by the hockey gods themselves – by which she still vows today. She had the wit of a teenager but a heart of a child. She wasn’t afraid to put anyone in his or her place and had a mouth on her when sparked the wrong way. It was the many things about her that set her apart from the others. They hadn’t always gotten along but as Jeff’s visits became frequent and by the glint in her eyes, he knew he had weaseled his way into her heart and into her life.

Jeff came to visit her after his practice and games if it wasn’t too late. Her company was comforting and worthwhile even if she was ten years younger than him. For a kid she had many goals set for herself, the first being able to skate again, with help from Jeff. That had been her first priority when she was able to leave the hospital. Though the impending question of ‘when?’ loomed in the air. And even Claire was smart enough to know how it all worked. There were times he stayed late to make sure she had fallen asleep but would catch her silently sobbing into her pillow.

It was then that her vulnerability shined through instead of the sarcastic comments.

“But getting older means more responsibilities,”

“Like finding a girlfriend?” The little girl piped up, a sly smile on her face.

“Yeah. Like finding a girlfriend,” he mimicked back, poking her in the cheek. Claire giggled, swatting his hand away.

He stood up, walking around the small room. He stopped short in front of the large window watching as cars whirled by in a hazy fog.

“Jeff? What if I never get to meet her?” Her voice was low and a hair above a whisper. Had Jeff not paid attention he wouldn’t have heard a thing.

“Who?”

“You’re girlfriend.” He sighed, sitting back in his chair to think of anything to assure that she would. He found it difficult to say you will or promise. It was too generic, too cliché and a load of shit. Truth was, Jeff didn’t know if he would find the right girl for Claire to meet in time. He didn’t know what the future held or if he would ever find someone suitable enough to settle down with. “It’s okay if I don’t… I won’t be mad,”

No but I’ll be.

No one spoke a word; the only sound filling the void was coming from the rectangular box attached to the wall. He kept peering over at Claire, her eyes still as blue as the ocean and a ghost of a smile gracing her lips every time a character in her favorite show would do something ridiculous. He wondered how much time she did have left but immediately cursed his thoughts for even thinking about it. He felt like an ass to even wonder but it was inevitable, both Claire and Jeff knew that.

And he was happy he didn’t give her that promise.

He pulled up the sleeve of his sweater to check the time. Claire’s parents would be returning to stay over for the night. They both worked odd hours of the day, leaving Claire to her own thoughts before Jeff filled up that time. The nanny came almost often – a young college graduate that he would have loved to bed – sitting in night and day to keep her company and to teach her more French that she had began learning since she was an infant. It made him smile how she kept her days as normal as possible.

“You don’t have to pretend. I’m scared too,” Claire whispered, her eyes trained on the television.

“Who says I am?”

“Pretending or scared? You’re both,” her eyes snapped to him, “I’m not stupid. I hear how careful you are with your words. You’re upset because of me. I want you to be happy, Jay. Not for me but for you. You’re my best friend and I thought that if you found a girlfriend you wouldn’t be lonely when I…”

Jeff waited for the words ‘die’ to come out but they never did. He let out the breath he didn’t know he had been holding in and pushed Claire lightly to make room for him on the bed. His arm wrapped around her shoulders as she let out all the years of pain and sadness she bottled up. He didn’t know the right words to say.

All he did know was that she needed him, just like he needed her.

---

Claire woke up early the next morning, her body throbbing from a slight pain as she sat herself up slowly. Claire couldn’t help but feel guilty for her sickness. The patience on herself was wearing thin. It was taking a toll on everyone around her and what could she do to make up for it? A possible death that would add more salt to the wound.

Her fingers toyed with the thin woven threads of her friendship bracelet she made with Jeff, twisting and turning it every which way as if it’s purpose was to give her superpowers of some kind. Her heart tightened with emotions she couldn’t express to anyone. She was tired of hiding her fear in front of everyone. A single tear slipped down her face as she looked at the picture frames that littered her beside table. It made the sterilized room feel like a home.

She picked herself up, gently easing her weight on each leg. She slowly shuffled towards the large windows, holding her arms out to brace herself against the arms of the chair. Her weakened limbs were nearly useless to her as she sat down, smoothing out the ugly hospital gown that had become a part of her wardrobe.

“You were eight the last time we did this,” Claire turned to see Jeff behind her, a box of Munchkins in his hands.

The silence was welcoming as they looked out towards the bright orange and yellow sky. There were so many things that Claire wanted to say. Though, she didn’t think it would make a difference anyway. It wouldn’t make the hurt go away.

Claire let out a sigh, finger-tracing the direction of cars passing by, “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“Hurting you. Hurting mom and dad. Everyone. I don’t mean to,” her voice cracked as she tried to push down the tears.

“There’s nothing to be sorry for, Claire. Life isn’t fair sometimes and bad things happen to good people but we need to be positive every day and hope for the best. It’s been a rough couple of years but that doesn’t mean we don’t love you. We’re doing all we can for you to get better. We want you to have a sweet sixteen, go to prom, attend college and get married. We want all that for you. We’re all scared of what could happen but that’s also a part of life. We can’t always run away but know this… you will never be alone through this.” He wrapped his arm around her shoulder, pressing her into his side.

“I’ll get better, right?” She already knew the answer.

“Yeah. You will.” Jeff stated with conviction. “Do you think you will?”

She sat quietly. “No.”

Jeff gave an exasperated sigh, squatting down to her level. Claire knew he was at a lost for words and maybe that’s what she wanted. She didn’t want to hear what others had to say, it was what she believed. Only herself.

“I know I will.”