Live, Laugh, Love

After a lot of searching, Rob and I finally found a place we could both stay. Robert honestly didn’t give a crap what our apartment looked like, but I definitely did. That was the woman coming out in me.

It was a modern-looking place, and it even had one wall made completely of glass. It had three bedrooms and two bathrooms, and it even had one of those tubs with the feet. The other bathroom had a jet tub, and a two-person sink. Yep, this was the way you lived when you were rich.

I sighed and wondered for a moment what my life would be like without fame. I imagined sitting at a coffee shop in New York City without people coming up and asking me to sign autographs. I imagined walking down the street in raggy, old clothes without anyone really caring. I imagined not having to go to any more fashions shows, no more after parties.

I stopped immediately. If I were not famous, I would not have Robert. Or Tom. Or anyone for that matter. I would have my family, of course, but without Robert life seemed to be pointless.

I was looking out the glass wall when I felt two arms snake around my waist. I turned around and nuzzled into his chest, breathing in his familiar scent.

“I finished unpacking.” I said, looking up at his angel’s face.

“I see that.” He mumbled, kissing me at my jaw. “You do good work, just not enough of it.” He laughed at his own joke.

“You’re very funny.” I said sarcastically, unfolding myself from his embrace. I walked over to my new kitchen table and sat down.

“What do you want for supper?” Rob asked, digging in the fridge to find a beer.

“Take out?” I asked, hoping he’d take it.

“Why not? That’s what we eat every night anyway.” He mumbled, cracking open the beer and taking a long chug.

“What is that supposed to mean?” I asked, offended. I didn’t have time to cook what with moving in and all that.

“Nothing.” He said, madly. Then he turned to me, his eyes apologetic. “I’m sorry, babe. Bad day at work.”

I nodded my head knowingly. “Why don’t we go out to eat tonight? We could go to the grocery store and pick up some stuff so that I can make you dinner.” I suggested, and I could tell he was automatically in.

“Bambi?” he asked, laughing. “That’s your favorite Disney character? A deer?”

I smiled. “What’s wrong with Bambi?” I asked, offended. Bambi was cool.

“Nothing. Nothing. I just imagined you as I Cinderella type girl.”

“We’ve been together for six months and you still have no clue who I am.” I said jokingly. “How dare you not know who my favorite animated character is.”

“Six and a half months.” He corrected. I smirked.

“Do you know the hours as well?” I asked, laughing. He grinned.

“We need to talk.” I said. I was hoping this could wait, but now seemed like the perfect time.

We were sitting on our sofa in the living room just talking. Robert and I did this a lot. The TV was on for background noise, and I could faintly hear the late night ads about those talk-dirty lines you could call. I really hated those commercials.

“Shoot.” He said, he wiped my hair away from my face before taking his hand in mine.

“I’m leaving.” I said, and automatically his face got sadder.

“Where are you going?” he asked sullenly.

“I have to go to Pennsylvania. It’s my best friend’s birthday.”

“This isn’t for work?” he asked, surprised.

“No. And I thought that since you have to go to Vancouver to shoot Eclipse next week, maybe I would visit you up there sometime.” I said, but it sounded like a question.

“Sure. I’d love for you to meet the cast.”

“Are you sure that would be okay?” I asked.

“Yes.” I sighed in relief. “Why would you think that you couldn’t?” he asked, but I absolutely ignored his question. I just blurted out what I’ve wanted to tell him for the past week and a half, but I didn’t have the guts.

“Robert, I’m going to Paris August 15. I’m going to be there for about 8 weeks.” I said, my voice full of pain.

Robert’s eyes never left my face, but I could tell just from looking into them that he was hurting. “When did you figure this out?”

I fidgeted. “About a week ago.”

He let out a huge sigh and got up off the couch.

“No, Rob!” I said, trying unsuccessfully to grab his arm.

“Why didn’t you tell me before?” he asked, clearly hurt.

“I didn’t think there was a right time.”

“And now is? One week later?” he was raising his voice.

We had only ever been in one fight before, and that was about who was going to pick up the check. I didn’t like fighting with him, and that’s probably why he’d won our last argument. I felt like there were no winners for this particular situation.

I hung my head. “We have all week.” I mumbled sympathetically, reaching out to him. My eyes were filled with tears that were soon streaming down my cheeks. He took one look at my distraught face and automatically caved in.

“Baby, I’m so sorry.” He said, getting on his knees in front of me. “I’m being a dick, aren’t I?”

I didn’t answer, I just let him take my face in his hands. I automatically felt better when his lips touched mine. It was like magic, kissing him. It took away all the bad feelings that I had. I took away all the pain. All the hurt.

“I love you.” I whispered against his lips.

He pulled back to look at me. “I love you.” He said, crashing his lips to mine.

I was breathless when he finally released my lips, and I felt woozy. He always saved his good kisses. I mean, he always had great kisses, but there were ones that he seemed to store up and release on me in the moment I need them most. This was one of those kisses.

“We’ll make it work.” He vowed, and in that moment it seemed like it would. His voice rang with such certainty that I couldn’t deny it.

But deep down I felt something completely different. I feeling that I wish wasn’t there. Something telling me, this is going to end soon.

I dug my face into his chest and wondered how someone’s life could get so crazy in such a short amount of time.

It was the night before Robert and I went our separate ways. I was heading to Pennsylvania first, then hopping the first flight I could find to Vancouver, Canada. I would then fly to Europe to begin my crazy modeling life again.

Robert nuzzled up to me under the covers. “You’re not allowed to think about tomorrow.” He stated. Damn. He knew me way too well.

“I’m not.” I lied, my face turning crimson.

“You’re such a terrible liar.” He chuckled.

“That not true. I’m a fantastic liar. To everyone but you.”

“That’s good, then.” He kissed my nose. “I love it. I love you.” My stomach started to ache, but I couldn’t understand why. I had this really annoying feeling telling me to hold on to tonight. To make the best of it. I had to. This was our last night for a while. And I made up my decision then and there. I would not fly back to Vancouver before I left for Europe. I would not go and see Robert on the set of his movie. I would not tell him goodbye twice. I would not let Robert in on any of this.

“I love you, too.” I said, molding my body around him. It was the truth. I was so madly in love with this man. Love is so irrational. Love is so irreversible. I will forever be his as he will be mine. But if you think about it, love is not all that different from breaking up. In both situations there is extreme emotion. I remembered then an old saying. “If you love something, let it go.” Just then my heart cracked in two pieces. Tears rushed into my eyes and soon fell down my cheeks. It wasn’t long before Robert noticed.

“Baby, what wrong?” he asked, so concerned, so caring. He loved me, Oh God, He loved me.

“Robert.” I whispered. “Make love to me.” His face was confused for a moment but he did not hesitate.

The rest of the night was a blur. A wonderful blur filled with love and touches and whispered ‘I love you’s.’

I never wanted to let him go. But when the morning light came streaming in our windows, our windows, I knew I had to go.

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“I’ll see you when you get to Vancouver.” Robert whispered. Tears filled my eyes.

“Hmm.” I couldn’t answer. I couldn’t lie to him. I looked him straight in the eyes. “I love you, Robert. Do you hear me? That will never change. I always have loved you, I always will love you.” My voice was fierce. These words were not lies. What was about to come out was. “I’ll see you in Vancouver.” I said, those words seeming to hold my life force.

“Rachael….” Robert whispered, suspicious. Then he let it go, assuming-I guessed- it was just sadness that made my voice crack in all the wrong places. “You need to know something.” He was completely serious. His eyes were like black holes. They absorbed every emotion in their path. “You are the only one for me. The tabloids are going to go crazy these next few months and I don’t want you to even pick one up.” His eyes blazed. “They are all lies.” He sighed, leaning against me, forehead to forehead. “I don’t know why.” He mumbled. “But I feel like I’m losing you.” That struck home, and I tried to hide my despair.

“I feel the same.” I said quietly, letting all the tears come.

He kissed my forehead. “You’re going to miss your flight.” I didn’t give a shit about a flight, but I knew I had to leave now.

“I love you.” I said one last time.

“I love you, too, baby. That will never change.” He said, and I walked away. Walked away from my love, my life, and my future. I walked away from the man who made me feel like me. Who went downstairs with a baseball bat when I thought I heard something. The man who, out of the clarity of passion, made love with me in our bed. The man who had my heart and soul. The man who was perfect to me, only because of his imperfections. I walked away from the love of my life, and I’ve never felt so miserable.

I didn’t call him. I didn’t text him. When I would see his name on my TV, I’d shut it off. I cried myself to sleep every night, and barely had the strength to get out of bed in the morning. I hated myself. Truly. With every bone in my body, I hated myself.

I don’t know why I didn’t go to Vancouver to see him. I knew that my life had to balance out at some point, and I felt like this was it. He had brought me the greatest joy in my life, and now the greatest misery.

Ok, so Robert didn’t do that. I did that to myself. The truth is, I was happy. I was absolutely, one hundred and fifty percent happy. I was in love, and I had a great life planned out ahead of me. He was always there, beside me, helping to guide me. I took that away from myself. I wasn’t used to being so content. The god awful truth is, I saw something great in my life and I had to take it away. I had to get rid of it so I wouldn’t feel the hurt of losing it. Of course, now I was losing it.

It took a month for the doctors to diagnose what was wrong with me. It took a month for Robert and I to find an apartment and be happy. It took a week for me to realize that I didn’t deserve someone like Robert.

Out of the six months I spent with my angel, I never told him my condition. My problem, rather. I knew I should have… but I guess I was scared. I guess I should explain…

When I was sixteen years old I got pregnant. It was to Adam, my boyfriend at the time. I wasn’t really in love with Adam, as I had thought, but he made me happy.

My parents didn’t accept, and neither did his. Nonetheless, my family stood up and supported me. I could sometimes see the look in my mother’s eyes. The look that said she wanted to kill me for ruining my life, but she never did. Eventually, everyone came around and soon became supportive. We were happy… until the night that changed my life forever.

“OH MY GOD!” I screamed, running out of the bathroom. My mother took one look at me and grabbed her car keys. Blood was streaming down the inside of my legs.

“SHE’S DYING!” I screamed at the doctor when we got to the emergency room.

“Oh, God.” The nurse said, looking at me in a way that made me feel uncomfortable. They quickly grabbed me a wheelchair and towed me to the emergency room. My mom held my hand the whole time, sobbing.

I could tell what the tears meant, but I didn’t want to think it. Not Kayla. Not MY baby.

After running tests, the doctor came up to me. “Rachael,” she said, tears in her eyes. “I’m so sorry, you’ve experienced a miscarriage. I’m so very, very sorry.” My mother buried her head in my hair, sobbing. I hardly felt anything as small tears escaped down my cheeks. “I’m afraid I have some other bad news.” Dr. Gerandy said.

As if things could get any worse. “I’ve been looking at your test, Rachael.” She said sullenly, “And it doesn’t appear that you are going to be able to carry a baby full-term. Ever.” My mother lifted her head before burying it in my hair again.

“I’m so very sorry.” And with that, the doctor left.

It felt like every emotion in my body left the room with her then. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t have a baby. Ever…Ever…

“Oh, God, Why?” My mother sobbed, and I patted her back. I was soothing her now.

Now, one emergency C-section and a few rounds of therapy later, I’m useless again.

I left Robert because I knew he deserved someone better than me. He deserved someone who could give him a family, a life. I knew I should have told him. I knew I should have let him decide. But he would have given up the world for me, and I couldn’t let him do it. Because, when you love someone as much as I loved him, you want them to be as happy as possible. You don’t want them to sacrifice anything for you.

So, that’s why I did it… I just wish I could have explained it to him.

I shut the lamp off beside me and snuggled under the covers. I thought about the last night I spent with Robert, snuggling with him, and my heart ached. I rolled over quickly and got out of bed. I stood at the window for a while, just looking out over this city. Paris. It was beautiful, but not to me. Nothing was beautiful to me now.

I sighed and dragged my pillows and blankets out to the couch. I slept on my sofa that night, trying to forget about how I’d ruined my life for the second time.