Live, Laugh, Love

How about this color for the nursery?” I asked, and Rob’s face got a puzzled look.

“How about pink and green?” he asked, pointing to the samples.

“I think little Kayla will love it.” I smiled, patting my jutted-out tummy. My little kicker was a girl, as Rob and I had found out at our last ultrasound….

I let my mind wander back to the day Rob and I found out I was pregnant….

“Rob? What if it’s like some out-of-country disease that only certain people get? What if I’m dying?” I asked, burying my head into his chest.

“Honey, I would never let that happen.” He looked deeply into my eyes and sat back down in the waiting room chair, pulling me down with him. “I’m sure it’s just the flu.”

“Rachael Pattinson?” I jumped at my new name. “The doctor will see you now.”

Rob took my hand and we walked warily into the examining room. “We’re in this together. Forever.” Rob whispered as we entered the brightly lit room.

The doctor gestured for me to sit down on the crackly plastic seat and I obeyed. Rob stood next to me.

The doctor gave me a good look and sighed before he spoke. “We seem to be in a bit of a pickle.” He said, smiling sheepishly.

My stomach dropped. How would my family deal with this? How would Rob deal with this? I would not die on him. We were supposed to be in this together. Forever.

The doctor noticed my tortured expression and smiled reassuringly. “There’s nothing wrong with you, Rachael.” He said, and I let out a big whoosh of breath. Rob visibly relaxed next to me. “You see,” he continued. “It seems that you may be…well…expecting.”

The stomach dropped even lower. I was pregnant? My eyes filled with tears and Rob pulled me to his chest.

“Now,” the doctor said, “it would be best if we took care of this from the beginning. Your reports say that you are not able to deliver a child... Is that correct?”

I nodded my head, horrified at what I knew was coming next.

“Well, I think it would be in your best interest to get an abortion.” He said slowly, choosing his words carefully. “There would be a great risk for you if you did not.”

I gulped. Could I do that? My baby?

No. No I could not.

Rob looked at the doctor seriously. “What if we keep it?” Rob understood. I felt a little better.

The doctor looked to me. “There’s a seventy five percent chance Rachael will not make it through the delivery. Or miscarriage like she did last time.”

I winced and looked up to Rob. His face was completely morose, but I knew him well enough to know what he would want if that was the case. My decision would not make him happy.

They were not speaking English at the moment. I could barely hear their voices. All I could hear was the sound of my baby-well, I assumed it was my baby-crying. Upset. Robert’s child. My child. Our child.

I took a deep breath. “No.” I said, sure.

Robert looked down at me, bewildered.

“No.” I repeated. “I will not kill our child.” My hand flew to my stomach instinctively, and I held back a gasp.

It was not a question. I would keep my baby. Even if it killed me.

It’s funny how I fell in love with my little girl that day. There was no way I could kill something that the love of my life and I created. She was our little baby. And she always would be, whether I was here to share the experience or not.

“Oooh.” I grabbed Rob’s hand and placed it over my belly. “Do you feel that?”

A wonder-filled smile slowly lifted Rob’s features as he felt that baby move. I still remember the first time that happened.

“Oh my god!” I gasped at the feeling.

“What?” Rob half-yelled, running over to me.

“I think….It’s….oh my god!” I said again as I felt the flutters. It felt like I had butterflies.

“Wha-?” Rob started to ask but I shushed him.

I grabbed his hand and put it on my belly, letting him feel our baby kick.

“Oh my god.” He whispered.

That was the day Rob fell in love with little Kayla.

Rob did not like my decision of keeping the baby. He barely looked at my stomach for the first three months. I knew why. He hated anything that was bringing me harm. But the day he felt our little baby kick, he was just as in love as I was.

He now supported me, but was still wary. He wanted the baby out of me before it could hurt me.

The doctor had done some research and discovered that she could be delivered early, but she would be premature. They’d have to do a sea-section, and induce labor early.

My main concern was whether or not the baby would be safe. Rob’s main concern was whether or not I’d be safe.

In the end, we had decided that at seven and a half months, Kayla would be here. It was the safest time for her, and for me.

But, the doctor had also warned that miscarriages were common, so that’s why Rob and I went in once every two weeks, just to make sure everything was fine.

And up until now, everything was running smoothly and according to plan. But I, more than anyone, knew that could change in a second.

Rob and I brushed our teeth as we got ready for bed. I layed down under the sheets, glad that tonight I wasn’t too warm to do so. He layed down next to me, snuggling up into my side. He lifted my tank-top, softly kissing my bulged belly.

“Good night, little baby.” He whispered, then reached over me to pat Riley’s head.

Riley still didn’t know what to think of my recent weight gain, and he walked around here pretty frustrated these days.

“I think she wants you to sing to her.” I said, feeling the baby kick insistently.

He smiled at me. Rob always sand a lullaby to the baby.

I grinned as he began his tune, completely in bliss. I ended up falling asleep to him singing, my baby still kicking me softly as if to say “Good night.”

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*1 ½ months later*

“Are you sure you’re ready?” Dr. Zimmerman asked, sticking his hands in a very uncomfortable spot.

I could tell by Rob’s posture that he didn’t like where the doctor’s fingers were. I smiled through the pain, somehow finding humor in this simple fact.

“Yes.” I managed to choke out. Rob held tightly to my fingers. “Rob.” I looked up to him. “Don’t leave me. Please, hold my hand.” I whispered as tears filled his eyes.

“I’m not going anywhere, baby. Just think, when you wake up, Kayla will be here.” He said, quietly, holding tighter to my fingers. “We’re in this together. Always.”

I nodded my head as the doctor stuck the needle into my arms to put me under.

*Rob*

The delivery room was a flurry of light blue and white. There were nurses running all around, and I couldn’t concentrate. I wanted to scream. Then I heard the words that I would forever remember.

“Oh no.” The doctor yelled. “Get her to the ER, STAT! We need to get this baby out… she’s dying…placenta must have detatched….losing too much blood.”

I couldn’t feel anything as one of the nurses told me I’d have to leave. “No, god.” I kept muttering. “No, God. Please not her. Take me instead of her. Please, please.” I cried, putting my head in my hands and letting the grief consume me.

So this was what it came down to, then? I lose both of my loves in one day?

I sat down in the waiting room, tapping my foot nervously. My breath was wild and I was clutching to the armrest.

She could not die. We were in this together. She would not go out of this world without me. No no no no no no no no!!!! I would not allow it. Not my Rachael. Not my wife. Not my love.

I felt like screaming. I felt like I was in a box, and there was no way out. I felt like I was slowly fading, dying, maybe just as my wife was now.

NO. I would not let myself believe that. If she died there would be no reason for me to live….

I jumped when I heard a little voice. “Mr. Pattinson?” asked a little nurse with white shoes. I barely had the strength to meet her eyes. I looked up to her face, and she was smiling at me sheepishly.

“Would you like to meet your daughter?”