Making Sense of Love

I woke up from my dream shocked. I had been in a flower field with my best friend, laughing at dumb jokes. We were picking beautiful, bright and colorful flowers for our moms. We were both excited for middle school and I told her I hope that we will be friends forever. Then my chest started to ache strangely and I woke up. The world around me was all in dark grays, and black hues. Everything was so hard to make out. I had forgotten once again, that I am losing sight.

Just like every time I wake up all the memories flood me at once. I remembered that my best friend had died in the chemical explosion at an old factory that we loved to hang out in. No one is really sure what caused it; I am not sure how I even survived. The day went on as blurred and unhappily as usual. The doctors reminded me that at any moment I could lose my sight, any second it could all go dark. Then it did, I was listening to music trying hard to make out the outlines of my hands when my hand disappears. It was like the lights had gone out and I could no longer see in front of me. My chest got tight with fear and I started to hyperventilate. I felt so alone, and empty. I could feel the hot tears roll down my cheek as I struggled to breathe. I honestly hoped that I would die. All I kept thinking was, ‘what is that point of life without sight?’

Blurred vision I could live with, some glasses even helped me to make out outlines more clearly. Totally darkness like this, this was to frightening to deal with. Especially when you knew the colors life could hold, the beauty of light, the sweet rays of sunshine. The simple thrill of watching a movie. I think what makes everything far crueler is that I dreamed in color with perfect vision. That my dreams of my paintings hanging in the museum of modern art were now dashed. I am not sure how long I laid there or whether or not I lost consciousness, all I knew was my mom had came. I told her in a small voice that it had happened, that my world had finally gone completely dark. She sobbed with me for a while, and then she said she would make my favorite dinner. I could hear the sad smile in her voice, she knew even my favorite dish wouldn't fix this.

I guess it was fitting since it had been two years ago today that I had cheated death. Two years since I had lost my best friend to that freak accident. Two years it took for the darkness of that loss to reach my eyes. Now it will serve as a constant reminder that things you have once lost you can never get back.