Cross My Heart

Two weeks after Thanksgiving the subject of Christmas got brought up in one of our conversations. Charlie and Mia weren't around, they were extremely busy preparing for the baby, but the rest of us were sitting around watching Die Hard and drinking holiday themed drinks. All ones that the boys thought up and named themselves.

"Can you believe that the store is already playing Christmas music?" Dillon asked stirring the ice cubes of his 'Snowman' with his finger.

"Dude, they've been playing that since the end of Halloween.
They've had blow up Santa's and Rudolph for like weeks. Where the hell have you been?" Matt asked. His drink was called a 'Fat Santa' and he refused to tell anyone just what was in it.

"What? No way, I would've heard that shit. I hate Christmas music."

"No, it's true I'm afraid." I said sitting next to Jimmy on our couch.
"They do start playing that crap early."

"Seriously?" He asked. "Oh well, I guess over time my ears have adapted to block it out."

"Wait, you don't hate holiday music. You were just singing 'The
Twelve Days of Christmas' the other night." Matt said. He leaned forward and looked at Dillon. "You like it, you just don't want to admit it."

"No. That's not true..."

"Guys, let's not get in to this. Who's Line is about to come back on and I don't want you little fuckers arguing during the funny parts." Jimmy said staring hard at the T.V.

Ever since we had decided to have a baby, Jimmy's whole personality changed. It was almost like he was afraid of being alone with me. I would hug him and he would stiffen up, or I would give him a kiss and he was quick to pull away. He had invited both Dillon and Matt over when he realized that neither of us had work related stuff to do. We never had alone time.

"Which part is the funniest part?" Dillon asked.

"The one with the laying down scene. That shit is hilarious."

It was true. That part was one of the funniest things I had seen on there. The guys continued talking until the show came back on then when it was quiet I took the chance to try and hold Jimmy's hand. As soon as my hand touched his he flinched.

"Alright." I mumbled out loud and looked at the T.v. A second later I could feel Jimmy's stare on me.

"Wayne Brady is the man." Dillon said breaking the silence and giving me a chance to escape. I got up and walked in to the kitchen and then decided that wasn't far enough and went back to the bathroom.

What happened to him? It wasn't like I was forcing him to have a child so why was he acting like he was afraid he was going to get me pregnant just by touching me? It was his idea to start a family and his idea to get me interested in all of it! Men were so frustrating sometimes, or at least Jimmy was a frustrating man sometimes.

"Hey." I heard a voice from behind me. I looked away from the mirror I had been staring in to and saw Jimmy standing there.

"Hi." I said rather angrily and crossed my arms. "I'm surprised you didn't send someone else to check on me since you can't trust me to be alone with you."

"Layla-"

"No, don't 'Layla' me. What's with you? Do you not want to have a baby? Because if you don't then why'd you bring it up? Are you that scared about dying that you you said it in the spur of the moment or was it because you thought I wouldn't agree and figured you were safe?"

Jimmy scowled and stepped in, shutting the door behind him.
"Neither of those things." He said.

"Then what is with you? Why don't you wanna be alone with me?"

"Layla, it doesn't have anything to do with not wanting to be alone with you."

"Really? Then why has Dillon and Matt been here every day almost since Thanksgiving? You always invite them over! We don't have any married people time."

"We spend every day with them anyway, what's the big deal?"

"The big deal is, yeah we might have seen them for like five minutes one day then an hour the next every day, but it wasn't constant. They're here from the time that we wake up to the time that we go to bed."

"Not every night." He said crossing his arms.

"Okay fine, but on the nights they're not here we don't do anything! You eat dinner after I cook it, then you want to watch t.v. and after you gotta take a shower then you go to bed, and you're asleep by the time my shows are over.. we used to sit and watch them together, now what? I'm not following you."

"Don't get all upset over this, I told you that it's not because I don't wanna be alone with you."

"Yeah that's what you told me, but what you still haven't told me is why are you avoiding me? You won't even... you won't even hold my hand." I said, feeling my eyes sting as tears threatened to spill over. "If you don't want a kid then that's fine. I just don't want you acting like I'm gross or something."

Jimmy's face fell and he reached his hands out taking my arms and pulled me toward him. "Layla, you're not gross." He wrapped his arms around me and I put my head on his chest. "Matt and Dillon are gross, you're nothing like them."

I laughed and squeezed him tightly for the first time in quite awhile.

"And I wouldn't have bugged you a hundred times about having kids if I didn't want to have a kid with you."

"Then why have you been acting so weird?" I asked, my voice muffed by his shirt.

"Because..." He rested his cheek on the top of my head. "I almost had one before and now we want one. What if...I had my chance but I lost it and now I can't...what if we don't get pregnant? And what if that's my fault?"

I pulled away from him and looked up at his face. His lips were set in a frown and he was looking down at my chest. "First of all, eyes up here big guy." I started and he looked up.

"Sorry." He grinned.

"Second, I can't believe you didn't say something to me sooner. Jimmy, if we can't have a baby then... we'll think of something. When and if that time comes. Won't we? Wouldn't that be the smart thing to do? If not you're gonna worry yourself to death and you're not gonna hold your wife's hand for two weeks."

He laughed and then pulled me back in to his arms, sighing contently as we stood there in our bathroom hugging.

"Sweetheart," I continued, "I love you. We'll have a kid together and it'll be just like you when you were little and we'll wish that we never had one. He's gonna be a monster."

"It wouldn't surprise me any. I deserve it." He said.

I smiled and then pulled away once more. "We will be able to be parents. I'll make sure you get a kid one way or another. You deserve the be a father, Jimmy. Any kid would be more than lucky to have you and you're gonna get to see that. I promise you. No, no, I pinky promise you."

Without much warning my husband started to cry. I reached up with my hands and put them on either side of his face then pulled his head down to my chest and wrapped my arms around him like he had done so many times for me.

"I wonder what she'd be like and it kills me," He said through his tears, "I'll never know what it's like to get a card on father's day from her. Or see her graduate from high school. I'll never walk her down the isle..."

"I know. I'm so sorry." I kissed the top of his head and continued to hold on to him.

"I don't know if I would have been a good father but I would have at least tried."

"You would have been the world's best father, Jimmy. You WILL be the world's best father. To our baby. That we will have, and that... we will not name after Matt or Dillon or Charlie."

Jimmy laughed and then sucked in through his nose, making a terrible snot sound.

"Awe, ew babe." I teased.

Suddenly the door burst open and Matt and Dillon were standing there looking teary eyed.

"I came to see what was taking you guys so long because we had a bet going on that you two were getting a little kinky in here," Dillon started.

"And when he didn't come back right away all grossed out I thought he was being a pervert so I came to find him." Matt added.

"Then we heard your conversation and we just want you to know that-"

"We love you and you ARE gonna make the worlds greatest dad, man!"

At the finish of Matt's sentence both of them came in and wrapped Jimmy in a hug.

"I love you guys too, even if you did just invade our privacy and find out a secret that we weren't ready to tell you." Jimmy said.

"Awe how cute. I think I'm suffocating from all this stink in here so if you'll excuse me." I said starting to leave but was grabbed by
Matt's strong arm and pulled me in to the group hug.

"You're gonna make the best mom in the world, Lay." Matt said.

"Awe, thanks Matty."

"Hello?!" A voice called from our living room.

"In here!" Dillon yelled.

A few seconds later Charlie appeared and then looked at us. "Uh, I'm sorry, girls. Have I interrupted something?" He asked.

"Jimmy and Layla want to have a baby." Matt said.

"Hey!" I slapped his arm.

"Well!"

"What?! What do you mean you wanna have a baby, that's stupid! Why are you copying me man! I wanted to be the only cool one who had to grow up! Now you're gonna be a dad and then we'll have to go on those Dad outing trips where we strap our kids to our chests in those things and walk around looking all cool, yet mature because we have babies and then our women will get together and talk and we'll end up being best friends and you'll like me more than Dillon or this other fucker..." Charlie stopped and looked at Jimmy. "Oh fuck it, you're gonna be a dad too!" He jumped in the bathroom and wrapped his arms around the rest of us.

"This isn't awkward at all." I said through the tangle of arms and chests.

We stood that way for what seemed like forever until we heard a throat clear. "Well I was wondering what the father of my baby was doing that was taking so long but now I see."

"Mia! Get in on this, we're all gonna have babies!" Charlie said excitedly.

"What? Who did Dillon and Matt get pregnant?" She asked.

"No one, it's just Jimmy and Layla."

Mia looked at me. "You're pregnant too?"

"Ugh! No. These fools all walked in on something and-"

"Oi! You guys were listening to them!?"

"NO! It wasn't like that!" I quickly said. "It's just we were in here talking, and it's a really long story... and I would REALLY enjoy getting out of the bathroom so if you'll all excuse me."

Once we were all back in the living room like a normal bunch of humans Charlie explained why they were here.

"Mia wants to go get a Christmas tree. I don't want to go alone without some men because let's face it, yes I'm going to be a dad but also more importantly I'm going to be a man dad. And I need my other men to back me up on this."

"Getting a tree isn't girly." I argued. "It takes a strong man to get the tree and haul it to your car."

Charlie fell silent and his eyes drifted toward Matt.

"Oh hell no! That is why you came over here? To see if I would haul your tree! Fuck you. No. No. Just. No."

Charlie looked over at Mia and she slowly walked toward Matt, sticking her belly out and rubbing it affectionately.

"Come on. For the baby." She said.

"WHAT?" He yelled. "You did not just use my nephew against me!"

"Nephew?" I asked. "What is that some kind of code word for niece?"

"It's gonna be a boy!" Charlie, Matt and Jimmy all yelled at the same time.

"I hate to agree with these guys but, I feel like it's gonna be a boy too." Mia said.

"No way. It's gonna be a girl. A niece. I thought about having a nephew but realized rather quickly that one more boy in this joint would kill me." I said.

"I gotta agree with Layla. Girl." Dillon said.

"Well it's a good thing you're not the father and have no say in the matter." Charlie said.

We all looked at him.

"What? Oh come on, I know I don't have a choice either. Mia made me pick a boy."

"Anyway, as fun as it is to imagine that you'll have a boy I think maybe we should move on and find out about this Christmas tree thing." I said moving them along.

"Yeah, about that, I'm not doing it so. No." Matt said shaking his head.

"Come on!" Charlie begged.

"No. I'm not gonna do it, so forget it."

"Huh. Well...I guess that it's a good thing we're going to a tree farm then. You know, they have people help you put the tree on the car and all that fancy shit. I guess we don't NEED you so... Dillon, Jimmy, Layla? Do you guys want to still go with us?"

"Ah what the hell, I might as well." Dillon said.

"Score." Charlie said and looked at us.

I looked to Jimmy and he smiled. "Yeah, I'm down I guess."
"If my husband says he's gonna go then I suppose I'll go too." I said.

Matt's face looked like a little kid who was being chosen last for dodge ball in gym class.

"Matt?"

"Yeah?" He asked.

"Do you want to go with us?"

There was a slight pause then, "Yeah."

"And would have you lugged that tree out of the woods for your nephew if we would have asked?"

"Yes. I would have." He said.

"Good then! It's all settled. We're going to the outside of town to the tree farm to get us a tree for my son's first Christmas!"

"You mean, your 'daughters' first Christmas?"

"Not a girl." He said.

"We'll see about that."

While the rest of the guys got their things together and piled out to the vehicle, Jimmy and I hung back to find our coats and shoes.
I was standing facing the t.v. when I felt Jimmy's hands slip around my waist and he pulled my body to his.

"I love you." He said kissing the back of my neck. "And thank you for being an amazing wife who can understand that I come with a lot of baggage."

I spun around so I was facing him and smiled. "You're welcome. Thank you for being the best husband in the world and loving me
no matter what happens."

"It's easy to love you, Layla. I don't even have to think about it, it just comes to me like breathing."

"Awe. I love you." I said and leaned up kissing his lips. "And I meant what I said. You're going to make a wonderful father. Everything will work out for us."

Jimmy smiled and then kissed me again, pressing himself up against me.

"Hello sir." I said feeling his full excitement.

"Hi." He smiled slyly.

Outside a car horn honked and we both groaned.

"What do you say we continue this when we get home? Just you and me here, Dillon and Matt have to go home." I added quickly with a smile.

"Yeah I don't think I could do it in front of them anyway." He said.
We went out to the vehicle and joined our friends where we headed to the store to get coffee's before our trip. I couldn't have felt more complete hearing Dillon and Matt argue, while Charlie and Mia talked about what colored theme they were going to go with for the decorations of the tree. Then there was Jimmy who was wrapped around me sipping his coffee and watching the tree's go by out the window.

It hadn't snowed very much yet so far in the season but they promised by the weekend a big storm to welcome us in to the year. Jimmy couldn't wait. He said he was both excited and annoyed at the same time. When I asked him how that was possible he said that it was easy to be excited because of the holidays and his favorite t.v. shows and the presents but it was annoying because he didn't feel like shoveling ten feet of 'white fluffy crap' just to get to work and hear his boss bitch about
someone not being there.

"Just fire the fucker and get it over with you fat, half bald headed jackass." were his exact words.

As we drove down the road I let my mind take over me. Thoughts about the future and what our baby would look like. It was only a matter of time before everything changed and we were all different people. Kids, jobs, new lives, marriages. In the sitcoms that's where it all ended.

For us, the only thing that ended was the first book we had all written together. Our second book would start the minute Charlie and Mia's baby was born.