Cross My Heart

I wasn't exactly sure why but I loved the last three months of the year. Halloween went by without a hitch and instead of doing our normal party thing we all decided to get together and just have a 'family' night. Mia was seven months pregnant and she stuck out like a house. Jimmy had taken to calling her 'fatty' when she was around and she thought it was rather sweet. Even if sometimes she showed the adoration by smacking him on the arm.

Then just like that most of November was over and we had one week left until Thanksgiving. Mia was eight months pregnant, and Charlie had become a completely different person, not to mention Dillon had been acting strange. Jimmy was too excited for snow and Matt was in California for the holidays.

"It's gonna snow any day now." Jimmy said as he walked down the hallway and stood next to me in the kitchen. He had just gotten out of the shower and his damp hair hung down around his face.

"You keep saying that but I don't see nothin'." I said stirring what was in the pot. It was my mother's recipe for home made beef stew.

"That smells pretty amazing by the way." Jimmy said and he breathed in deeply. "I'm glad you know how to cook."

"Me too, otherwise we'd both starve." I teased him and he shook his head.

"Lay?" He asked leaning his forehead on my back. "Do you want to live here forever or do you think we should move?"

"I don't know.. I kind of like it here. Well, no one likes it here but.."
I shrugged. "Where would we even move to?"

"We could go down the street. Or out of town. Southern Maine...we could live out of state. We could move clear across the country and try California, or we could go to Nevada. We could live in Utah or Arizona..."

"So..anywhere?" I asked and smiled at him.

"Yeah. Anywhere you wanna be, we can go. The city, the country. A village. Whatever." He put his arms around me and then kissed the back of my neck gently.

"Hmm. I liked Hawaii."

"Hawaii was good." He agreed and kissed my neck again. "It was nice and warm there, and there were beaches and the ocean." The kisses worked their way from the back of my neck to the side as Jimmy brushed my long hair out of his way.

"But what about the guys? And Mia. What about the baby? Do you really wanna go and leave them all here to fend for themselves? Charlie is gonna be a ridiculous first time father. They still don't even know what the baby is gonna be. If it's a girl she's doomed by the way."

Jimmy laughed and then kissed my shoulder. "I'm not saying we have to leave NOW. We can wait. I just wanted to know if you'd ever consider moving away from here."

"Jimmy?"

"Hmm?" He mumbled against my skin.

"Do YOU want to move away?"

"I wouldn't mind starting over again somewhere new. I like the feeling of new, but if you don't wanna do it then I'm good right where I am."

"You like the feeling of new, huh? Are you gonna replace me?" I asked softly turning so our bodies were meshed together. He looked down at me with those gorgeous eyes and smiled.

"There's nothing in the world that could make me trade you for anyone else. I promise you that."

"Awe." I said and leaned up kissing him lightly.

"Besides," He said when he pulled away, "I went through too much bullshit to claim you. I don't wanna go through that ever again."

I laughed and slapped him playfully then checked on the stew again. The radio was playing a holiday tune and I hummed along even though I didn't realize I was doing it.

"Someone's excited for the holidays." Jimmy said.

"Nooo. I get like this every year. It's a sickness really. I can't help it, I don't wanna get all worked up about it but..."

"You do, and it's cute."

"No it's not. It's childish." I argued.

"What? How is it childish that you like it when your family, biological and not, is all together hanging out? Isn't this like one of the happiest times of year?"

"I always heard it was the most depressing." I said and laughed at his expression.

"All I'm saying is, it's not stupid to get a little excited."

"Well, I can't wait until we do have kids." I said turning to look at the oven again eyeballing the food in the pot.

"Oh really?" He asked semi-amused.

"Yeah because then I'll have a reason to get a tree, and have lights and decorations.. Then you know, building snowmen won't look so sad."

He laughed. "Charlie and Mia's kid will be here before we ever have one."

"Yeah. True. I can probably just use her or him for as long as I want. Then I get to give the baby back to the parents when I'm done so it all works out really."

Jimmy rolled his eyes. "I'm gonna go play video games, okay? You need any help with anything?"

I shook my head. "Nope, I'm all set. Go do your thing."

He leaned down and gave me a peck on the lips but when he parted ways I grabbed him and pulled him back for another. I wasn't sure what it was but I wasn't ready to stop just yet.
Jimmy's hands slid up over my hips and hooked in the loops of my pants, then he pulled me to him.

"Well well, what got in to you?" He asked huskily.

"I couldn't tell you." I said smiling up at him.

"Not that I'm complaining or anything..."

"Really? I mean, I know you have important video game stuff to do."

"That can wait. I'll blow off video games for you. Shit, I'll blow off my own birthday party for you." This caused me to laugh and Jimmy watched me with a slight smile on his face. "You're so pretty." he said finally when I raised an eyebrow at his staring.

"I'm really glad you think so."

"If I didn't think so, I definitely wouldn't be feeling THIS," He pressed himself up against me and I could feel what he was talking about.

"Oh, well that's nice!" I said loudly and he grinned. It would have almost been perfect if it wasn't for the knock on the door.

"God damn. It seems like everyone wants to be our friends when we have stuff to do but when we wanna hang out they're all busy." He rolled his eyes and then kissed me one more time before disappearing in to the bedroom.

"Hang on just a second!" I yelled and then walked to the door. I saw Mia through the window and she waved.

"Hey." He said as I let her in. "What's up?"

"Nothing. Just wanted to know if you'd be up for company." She said, her facial expression however said not everything was alright.

"Mia... are you sure you're okay? You look a little bit...flustered."

"Ugh, Layla..." She reached up with her hand and brushed her hair out of her face. "I'm getting so nerved up about this baby thing. We still don't know what the baby is, we don't have everything we need quite yet, it's due in a month, is the childbirth gonna hurt? Of course it's gonna hurt, it ALWAYS hurts. I don't know if I can do this and to be honest I've been feeling a little overwhelmed lately. Charlie has been good to me and he's been helping a lot but..I think I'm going nuts."

I couldn't help but smile as she looked at me, on the verge of tears. "Mia, you'll be alright. I promise. This stuff is scary for first time mom's. All of my friends who had kids ... they were all scared too but you know what? If you work yourself up to thinking it's a really big deal.. you'll see how easy it is once you get in the swing of things. Plus don't forget you're gonna have all kinds of help for when you get over run or exhausted. Your parents, Jimmy and I...of course Charlie and then there's Dillon and Matt. They all wanna help. I have to say I've never seen grown men more excited about a bundle of human before."

Mia smiled, the teary eyed look slowly going away. "Really?"

"Oh yeah. I don't think they could be any more happy if it was Jimmy and I's baby."

"What are you lovely ladies jabbering about now?" Jimmy asked walking in to the kitchen. Apparently he had cooled off enough to be amongst people now.

"Just the baby and stuff. Mia's a little worked up over it and I was just telling her that it seems pretty crazy right now but once everything is over and done with she'll be alright. I have no doubt that you and Charlie will make good parents."

"Oh yeah. Charlie has totally did a turn around and I would trust him with my kid if I had one." Jimmy said nodding. "Anyways! I'm gonna play my games now since it didn't pan out earlier. You staying for dinner, Mia?" He asked and looked at her.

"Oh no, I can't. Charlie is taking me out once he gets home from work. He said we needed to talk about moving in together and I told him that we could discuss it only if he took me out and really convinced me."

I laughed. "Well, I see you know how to have him wrapped around your pinky already. I'm totally sold on believing you two are perfect for each other now."

"Ahh, women." Jimmy said and shook his head then grinned at me and was gone.

"Yeah, as if we're the hard ones to figure out." Mia said.

"They're just as bad." I said and then shrugged. "But what can ya do?"

"Nothing except rub their nose in it until they learn."

I laughed and turned my attention back to the pot on the stove.

-

Later that night Charlie showed up, looking rather fancy for being him, and grabbed Mia so they could go. Jimmy and I wished them a good time and then once they left the drive way Jimmy nearly knocked me over, attacking me with kisses.

"You're such a weirdo." I said looking up at him happily.

"I know. You love me though. Right?"

I nodded and then shifted around underneath him on the couch so I was more comfortable. "Like you even have to ask." I said.
Jimmy dropped himself on me, his entire body and weight pushing down and he buried his face in my neck. We laid like that for a long time just breathing and watching what was on TV until I found my eyes closing and the thoughts in my head not making sense, just as they always did right before I fell asleep.

"No shit." I heard Jimmy mumble in amazement then I felt his warm body depart from mine and his footsteps became distant. When I heard the door shut I knew he had went out for something but I was too tired to actually move. Instead, I forced myself to wait to fall asleep until he came back.

Five minutes went by, then ten, and finally I groaned and rolled myself off the couch. Where the hell did he disappear to? The minute I reached the door though, I found out why.

"It's snowing?" I asked as I shivered automatically and stepped outside to join him.

Jimmy turned to me. "Yeah. I told you!"

"So you did." I said and looked up at the clouded over sky. Winter was a rough time of year for people in Maine, but that was only if you were ill prepared. Most people knew what they were dealing with, like me having lived here all of my life. Charlie and Dillon knew slightly what they were up against and Jimmy and Matt had just started to get everything under control. Though Matt was in California, missing this wonderful white crap.

Winter was beautiful otherwise.

"You only like it because you lived in a place that didn't have it." I said to him as I walked up to his side and put my arms around him.

"I like it for a lot of reasons." He said quietly.

"Like what?"

"You'll laugh."

"Not if it's something you don't want me to laugh at." I said.

He sighed. "It reminds me a lot of when I was a little kid. How everyone sang songs about a white Christmas and stuff. It kind of makes me feel safe. Little kids don't know how easy they have it, they all wanna grow up and then when they do. No one explains to them WHY they shouldn't rush it. They just say 'oh don't piss away your youth, you'll miss it when you get to be my age'."

"Seems that way, doesn't it? Okay, so it makes you feel safe. That's not so laughable."

"I guess not."

"You said a lot of reasons though. That's only one."

"There are some reasons I just can't say." he mumbled.

"Why not?"

"I don't wanna upset you."

"How would it upset me? You like winter. Big deal?"

"Lena's birthday was in the winter time..." He said slowly and I felt my eyes lower to the ground.

Lena. The one girl who, had she still been alive, would have Jimmy's heart. I wouldn't know him, we wouldn't be married and my life would most likely be a giant shit pile.

"So? Am I supposed to be upset about that? You loved her. It's not like she broke your heart and you moved on, or you two just separated. She died...there's a difference. You still love her."

He nodded then let go of me and paced around our yard for a few seconds. Something more was bothering him.

"Jimmy.... What's wrong? You can tell me. Is it about her?"
He took a deep breath and let it out, long and slow.

"Hey.." I walked up to him and grabbed his hands, running my thumb over each other his knuckles.

"Lena was pregnant when she died..." He said it so quietly that at first I wasn't sure what he had actually said.

"What?" I asked.

"She...I mean I know we were young, but she was pregnant. I was so happy... and then.." He was fighting hard not to cry now I realized and I pulled him to me, letting him snuggle up to my neck.
"I mean, my whole life, all planned out just... gone in ten seconds. It was bad enough going through losing a baby and her..but now I think about losing you too."

"Hey.... you're not gonna lose me. Jimmy, I thought you said that there were reasons you LIKED winter.. what's that got to do with this?"

"I think about how happy I would've been with the baby and how old it would be now, and how much fun it would be to play with her in the snow..."

"Her?" I asked.

"Yes. It was a her. We'd just found out..." He whispered.

"Jimmy I'm sorry." I said squeezing him.

"Me too."

"This isn't happy though." I said.

"It is to me. Because I think, I got a second chance. With you, and if we ever have a baby...winter is gonna be it's favorite time of year. It's gonna have Christmas and toys and play in the snow. It'll have the best mother in the entire world."

"And the best father any kid could ever ask for. I didn't know you and Lena were expecting...I never asked because I know it's a pretty horrible thing to drag up..."

"I never talk about it because you're my wife. I don't want you to think I'm hung up on her."

"It's different. If she were alive...maybe then I'd feel a little bit bad but she's not. Like I said, you guys didn't break up and you didn't have a chance or reason to fall out of love with her."

Jimmy grabbed a hold of me as though I was the only thing keeping him on the ground and I felt my heart break for him. How could I be mad? That would be selfish and stupid. He had to grieve and now I knew there were two deaths he was suffering with. The love of his life, and a daughter he'd never get to know.

"Jimmy let's go inside. I'll make us some cocoa and we can watch movies. We'll stay up all night and then go to bed when the sun comes up. We can stay in bed all day." I said pulling away and looking at his tear stained face.

He smiled at me and I grabbed his hand. "Thank you, Layla." He said.

"You don't have to thank me for being a good wife. I'm just naturally this freggin' awesome."

A smile crept up on his face and he sighed. "I didn't mean for that to turn in to a little bitch fest.."

"And I didn't know you were expecting a daughter. Things happen, it's okay. I love you no matter what and that will never change. Ever."

"I know. Which is why I'm probably the luckiest guy in the entire world."

"A lot of guys say that." I said as we walked in to the house.

"Yeah, but I actually mean it."

I smiled at him and gave him a slow kiss which for a moment I
wasn't sure would break. Finally I pulled away and he reached over messing up my hair.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

I never got tired of hearing him say that.