Cross My Heart

Ronnie

The bus was strangely quiet as the night came to a close, the clock ticking just past midnight as the crew loaded the last of the equipment into the various black and silver boxes, each of them thinking of their own comfortable beds. We were in the middle of a lull, where no one really felt like going out and drinking themselves away, preferring to call their friends and family, just to hear their voices again. I could count myself as one of the lucky few- my family and my significant other were all out here on the road.

The one person I was separated from was my beautiful son, and yet I made it a personal goal to call him every single day, if only so I could hear him ramble about what they’d done at school that day. It was enough for me just to hear him speak so excitedly about his life, rather than demanding to hear that he missed me. From the opened door of the bus, I could hear Matt and Zacky talking to the crew, the sound of beer cans being cracked open echoing through the opened windows, leaving Johnny and Jimmy with the fans that had congregated outside of the theatre, waiting for them all.

Only Brian and I had managed to slip away briefly from the madness of it all, intent on calling home to check in on Brent. I was sat on one of the couches in the front lounge, my phone lain out on the counter in front of me as it rang happily to itself, awaiting the person on the other end of the line. Now changed from his standard stage clothes into something slightly more familiar and Brian-like, he stumbled out of the bunk area and smirked over at me, slotting himself onto the seat next to me and squashing the pair of us together until I felt like I was suffocating.

“Brian…Bri, get the fuck off of me!” I giggled, trying to push his broad form away from me. But he was huge, the extra muscle allowed him to pick up the brawn while I held up the brains side of the family, and yet he could still use it to his advantage.

“You shouldn’t have gotten so cuddly then, Ron. Damn, I swear whenever you let me nap on your belly, I slept like a baby,” Brian chuckled, slowly edging his way into his own personal space before he propped his feet up on the counter, wiggling his toes around happily.

“That’s because you nearly crushed mine, Bri. I still don’t understand why you liked to nap on my pregnant belly- you’re one weird ass mother—“

“Mommy!” Brent’s voice suddenly came floating out of the phone and as I abruptly slapped my hand over my mouth to stop myself from cursing, I elbowed Brian in the stomach for laughing at me, growling in annoyance before I turned myself back into the caring mother that he knew and loved.

“Hi Baby, how are things at home? Your Uncle Brian’s being a stupid head here, he thinks I’m a cushion,” I chuckled happily, watching as Brian folded his large arms over his chest and pouted in my direction, almost the spitting image of the boy who was giggling on the other end of the line.

“I take offence at that! And anyway, you’re the stupid head,” he taunted childishly before he crushed himself up against me once again and neared his mouth towards the phone, ready to talk to his favourite and only nephew, “How’s my favourite little guy doing? Are the Seaview’s doing OK this season?”

Brent was part of the same Little League Baseball team that Zacky had been a part of as a kid, and the green eyed man had been so excited by the prospect of Brent turning into a baseball fan like him, he’d kitted him out with everything that he needed, no expense spared at all. He and Brian always went to the games with me, and occasionally when the others could make it, the group of us would send evil glares over to Alex, if he dared set foot on the grounds.

“We’re doing OK- we won the last game, but Coach kept saying that we gotta beat Lakewood next Tuesday. Are you gonna be there?” he explained excitedly, his voice gaining a smidge of hope at the thought that all of them would be there. They were in their final week of tour, they’d all be at home by that point, and yet even I knew that the guys had better things to do with their time than watch Brent play baseball with a little underdog team.

“Honey, I don’t know if all your Uncles---“

“Of course we are, Buddy! I wouldn’t miss it for the world, and neither would Zacky. I’ll see if your Momma can soften up Matt and Jimmy and Johnny, so that they can come see you play,” Brian chuckled, leaning back against the seat as he offered me a soft smile. Mouthing a quick ‘thank you’ to him, I watched as he slowly slid out of his seat and slipped a pair of ratty leather flip flops onto his feet, jumping down the bus steps two by two and stalking over to where people were talking and drinking, intent on grabbing a free beer and leaving me alone on the bus with just my son.

“Hey, Mommy?”

“Yeah, Baby?”

“Why can’t Uncle Brian be my Daddy?” he asked timidly, his voice lowering, almost as though he had called me without Alex knowing and he was trying to be as quiet as possible. While my heart clenched uncontrollably, I allowed myself to chuckle softly before I replied, gripping onto the phone as though it were my son, placed purely in an object.

“Because he’s my brother, Baby, he’s your Uncle. Your Daddy is with you right now, in California,” I explained slowly, hoping that he would ward himself away from the idea of having his Uncle as his father and start talking about something else.

A new drawing that he’d painted, something he’d heard in the playground, or what he’d learned at school. Anything but the touchy subject of family.

Everyone who had raised me hated Alex, and none of them had been particularly fond of him when I’d brought him home to them. Brian and our Dad had ganged up together on him, asking prying questions about him whenever he came over. Even at our wedding, neither of them had looked particularly happy about my choosing him- and now I understood why they had been so mad. In the back of my mind, I made a mental note to take Brent to see my Dad again, if only so the little man could see his Grandpa properly.

“What about Uncle Matt? Or Zacky, or Johnny or Jimmy? They’re not your brothers,” Brent replied and with a deep breath, I remembered that I hadn’t exactly informed him about my relationship with Johnny. He’d understood of course when I’d explained to him that telling a three year old that I was dating someone new was a feat in itself, and time would present the opportunity for them to get to know each other better.

“Because, Baby, your Daddy is your Daddy and you can’t change that. Speaking of Daddy’s, do you want to go and see Grandpa when you come back into Huntington?” I added, trying desperately to change the subject when suddenly, Brent’s voice lowered to a stage whisper, his voice barely audible over the hum of the bus.

“Mommy, Daddy says we’re going on a field trip soon. That we’re going to go someplace special,”

“A field trip? What? Brent, what did your father mean when he said field trip?” I began to feel my palms clam up, my voice rising with sudden panic.

Was Alex taking Brent out of the state, out of the damn country? Frantically, I began to think of the custody agreement, tracing over the words to see if I could remember terms about moving around and where Brent could and couldn’t be taken to in the eyes of the law. Suddenly there were muffled voices from Brent’s end of the line and as I heard a shriek coming from the speaker, I flinched.

“Brent? BRENT!” I yelled, but all I could hear was the phone click as someone ended the call and the monotonous drone of the dial tone wailing back at me.

Almost immediately, I tried to redial, leaping up from my seat and nervously pacing up and down the lounge as the ringing in my ear started up again. For a brief moment, I felt the sweet sting of relief when suddenly, Alex’s voicemail hit my ears, his voice sounding cold and abandoned, even through a piece of metal. Anxiously, I waited for the beep before I began to curse and yell through the answering machine, demanding to be heard.

And yet, as soon as I heard a light cough from behind my back, my voice softened until no more hatred could spew out of my mouth. With my hands shaking like leaves in an autumn breeze, I turned to see Johnny staring at me strangely, almost as though another head crawled its way out of my shoulder.

“Baby…is everything OK?” he asked nervously, taking a few steps forward as he held out his hands for me, ready to envelope me in his tender, loving grasp and soothe all of my pain away. And yet, I couldn’t keep myself from pacing, or from fidgeting like a small child confined to one particular space.

“No everything’s not fucking OK,” I managed to say through gritted teeth, forcing my hands into clenched fists to stop myself from screaming at the poor man, “Brent just called and told me that Alex is taking him on some ‘field trip’, and then he hung up for no fucking reason, which leads me to think that he’s taking Brent out of the goddamn state, or even the country! And now I don’t even know where they are, because he called me on Alex’s cellphone, and he could be in danger and I wouldn’t even be there too…” I managed to ramble off until Johnny wrapped his arms around me, slowly letting my head rest against his shoulder.

Even though he was the butt of everyone’s short jokes, I was a good few inches shorter than he was, which gave his ego a boost every single time he held me. His hands busied themselves, one stroking gently through my hair as the other pressed soothing circles into my back. With his lips pressed tenderly against my forehead, I felt myself relax into him, awaiting the moment where all my worrying about Brent would simply float away in the knowledge that Johnny could make it better.

“Just take a deep breath, Sweetheart, everything’s going to be OK,” he murmured, his phrase rocking around my head like a broken record as he spoke until finally, my heart stopped pounding viciously against my chest and I took a slow, deep breath.

“Are you sure about that?”

“Sure about what?”

“That everything’s going to be OK? That my son is going to be safe and he hasn’t been kidnapped and taken to the other side of the country by my psycho ex-hus—“ I began, only to be cut off by Johnny pressing his plump lips against mine, the cool metal of his lip piercing sending my thoughts right back to where they had come from. For a moment, I let myself sink into the feeling of his kiss, the way his chapped lips pressed against mine, both moving in a familiar rhythm that was both comforting and anxious. As we broke apart, he tucked a hair behind my ear, smiling kindly down at me.

“First thing tomorrow morning, we’ll call Alex and check on Brent. If no one picks up, we’ll call the cops and check that neither of them have crossed the border, it’ll make it easier for them to track down. Don’t fret, OK? We’ll work things out,” Johnny promised, wrapping his arm around my waist and pressing a tender kiss to my cheek.

“Why do you have to be so damn wise?” I murmured as I rested my head against the curve of his neck, finding myself smiling as he unravelled his hoodie from his body, draping it over my arms as he began to propel me towards the bus doors.

“One of the advantages of being this height, now come on. The guys will kill me if I don’t bring you out for at least one drink.”