Splitting Pearls

It was almost a week before I learned about Flo’s breakup. In fact, I got the distinct impression that my friends had been intentionally keeping me in the dark about it.

What, did they think that I was going to leap at this chance? That I was going to go to Flo right away and throw myself at her while she was still hurting and vulnerable? Morons. I couldn’t do that to her. I just… I just wanted to make sure that she was okay. Honestly, looking from the outside in her relationship had sounded terrible. Reed told me about the guy, and with what I had learned of Flo’s rebounding issues, I had long since decided that this was just another fling.

I hated that she had flings. What she done since I left? And with whom?

The wondering was enough to keep you up at night, if you let it. And I generally didn’t, because hey- what was wondering going to do for me? But now… My mind raced with possibilities. I would wait an appropriate amount of time, but no longer. No way was I giving Flo enough time to find herself a rebound. Then I was going to take my time. I would win back her trust and I would make her fall for me again.

But not yet. I wasn’t stupid.

Still… it was entirely beyond me not to casually cross paths with Flo whenever I could. She still came to band practices sometimes, and I always made a point of talking to her a little bit- but never too much. I didn’t want to risk making her feel smothered. When Rhea ragged on Reed for not having put together her new bookshelf yet, I volunteered to come over and do it for her.

That one almost backfired, since Rhea knew better than to have me over when Flo was home. Just as I was getting ready to leave, though, Florence walked in the door. She took one look at me and froze. “Marcus,” she said in a small voice.

“Hi, Flo,” I said softly. “You doing okay?”

She nodded. I didn’t miss the brief look of panic that she turned on Rhea, who put her hands on my shoulders and started steering me toward the door. Flo reached out and stopped me from actually leaving. “Hey, why don’t you hang around for a bit?” she offered.

Far be it from me to deny her. “Sure,” I agreed easily, and wiped my palms on my jeans as soon as Flo had turned around to hang up her coat. Rhea flicked the back of my ear, but said nothing.

At this point, it was nearly a month after Flo’s breakup. My stomach still turned when I thought of someone dumping her-- mostly because that meant that someone else had had a claim on her, and then used it to cause her pain.

Flo headed into the kitchen and gestured for me to follow her. She shot Rhea a look, and Rhea didn’t follow us. I heard footsteps going down the hall and a door shutting. “Sorry,” Flo said. “I’ve been wanting to get you alone for a while, but it’s been surprisingly difficult. Everyone seems to think that it’s a bad idea.”

I nodded. “And you don’t?”

“No!” Florence looked surprised. She made eye contact with me for the first time in weeks and I froze. So did she. We stayed there, just looking at each other, for a long moment. I finally broke it, remembering my promise to myself that I would keep things casual while Florence healed.

“Tea?” I offered, crossing the room and taking hold of her kettle just as I had done dozens of times before. I glanced back at Flo and she nodded, sitting down at the kitchen table and watching me work.

“Sometimes it feels like you never left,” she confessed in a small voice. I didn’t dare meet her gaze then, though I could feel it burning into me. She said no more until after I had finished setting out teacups and set the kettle on the stove to boil. I sat down next to her and looked into her eyes. It was a relief that, finally, this seemed to be allowed.

“I wish I never had to,” I said quietly.

Flo grimaced. “You know, people think I’m broken. I don’t think I ever had a care in the world- not a care that truly mattered- before you were gone.”

“I’m sorry, Flo.” More sorry than I could possibly say.

A dimple flashed in her cheek. though her expression was not a happy one. Flo’s teeth teased her bottom lip as she tried to work out what to say next. It was a habit that I remembered well.

It was a habit that, once, I would have treated as an invitation. I curled my hands into fists and bit my own lip to keep from moving closer to her. Didn’t she feel how unnatural this was? We weren’t supposed to be separated like this. I reminded myself that I should wait. She wasn’t ready for me to start pushing my way back into her life, and if she thought she was, there was a decent chance she would be wrong.

Waiting, that was the key.

Florence raised her eyes to meet mine again and this time, I was close enough to really appreciate them. Her eyelashes weren’t thick, but they were long, and they accented the darker streaks that ran through her eyes. The left one had a small green spot in the middle of the blue. I had always teased her about that, saying that even before she was born she had been indecisive. Unable even to pick an eye color properly.

Maybe it should have been that she was unable to commit to an eye color. Wasn’t that really the problem here? She couldn’t commit to me. She couldn’t commit to the men she’d been with since we broke up.

Maybe that was my fault… but that didn’t make it any less true.

My last coherent thought was that I should really be staying away from her, just while she sorted herself out. Then I stopped caring, and we kissed.

It’s impossible to say who started it. Looking back, it was inevitable. I do know that she was the one who pulled away first, and then it was only because the kettle was squealing. “If we don’t get that, Rhea’s going to get suspicious,” I said quietly. I reluctantly turned away from her and turned off the burner. I poured water into the waiting cups and brought them to the table. Flo doctored hers with the ever-ready sugar jar that sat on the kitchen table. I had put a spoon in her cup already, knowing that she would need it for stirring. I looked around the kitchen, where absolutely nothing had changed since before I left last year. I looked at Flo, who was gazing steadily back at me as though nothing had just happened.

Or… maybe it was nothing to her.

But then her lower lip wobbled and it looked like she was about to cry. “Flo!” I said, setting my mug down so quickly that a little splashed onto the table. I watched her take a deep breath… and hold it… and keep holding it. Florence had this terrible habit of not breathing whenever she thought that she was about to lose control. It wasn’t healthy.

Thoughtlessly, I reached out and tickled the sides of her stomach, just as I used to do whenever she got like this. It used to force her to breathe again and it helped get her mind off of things. It didn’t work this time, of course it didn’t. All I did was remind Flo of what we had lost. She grabbed at my wrists with surprising strength and a tear rolled down her cheek. I snatched my hands away from her before I could do any more damage and crossed my arms across my chest to keep from reaching out again.

“I’m sorry,” Flo said quietly.

“You have nothing to apologize for.” Of that I was fairly certain. I didn’t know what was going on, exactly, but almost certainly the blame was solely mine.

“I do, though. Marcus, you’re… You’re so good. And I’m a wreck. I’ve been making you unhappy ever since you moved back, and right now I’m making it worse. You should really learn to stay away.”

“No.”

Flo looked a little annoyed. “I’m trying to save you here.”

“From yourself?” I asked. The words came out altogether too sarcastic, but honestly, she kind of deserved that. She was being so dense. Florence nodded. “No,” I repeated. “I’m not letting you pull away from me, not unless that is something that you want for yourself.”

“It is,” Flo said. Even if I didn’t know her so well, I wouldn’t have believed her. Flo had always been a terrible liar. I even saw her glance toward her purse where it sat on the counter- mentally thinking through the contents of her wallet, I knew- deciding how much she could afford to lie to me. Ridiculous woman.

“I don’t believe you. Flo, I’m going to wait for you. I will wait for as long as you need me to, until the day that you tell me that things are truly over between us. I know that you have a lot going on right now. I know that you’re feeling unhappy and that you’re under a lot of pressure. I’m not here to add to that. I want to make things better for you, but I can’t do that if you push me away.”

“I don’t want to push you away,” Florence said quietly. Her eyes finally focused on mine again, searching. I looked steadily back at her, letting her read what she would from my expression. There was no better way to convince her that I was being genuine.

“Don’t.” I stood and pulled Flo out of her seat, then hugged her tightly. She froze for just a second before pressing herself against me, hugging back as fiercely has her small form was capable of. Her head came to rest just where it always used to, in the little hollow at the base of my sternum. She was smaller than I remembered. We stayed like that for a long time, until we heard the sound of a door opening down the hall.

Rhea.

I scrambled to disengage myself from Florence, but she clutched at me insistently, not allowing me to pull away from her. Of course she wasn’t strong enough to hold me, not really, but who was I to disagree with her?

Rhea came into the kitchen, took one glance at the two of us, and rolled her eyes. “You staying for dinner? Reed and I were thinking about making baked ziti.”

I laughed, startled. Florence smiled hesitantly up at me. “Yeah, he’s staying.”