Splitting Pearls

Killian and I were at Cantante, a restaurant that was known for its spacious dance floor and its crowd of regulars who used it with enthusiasm. He had never been before and kept glancing at the floor with obvious apprehension whenever he thought I wouldn’t notice. It was fairly adorable, I thought happily, smoothing my napkin over my lap.

“I’ll bet that if I had asked you to come here instead of telling you we were coming that you would have said no. Am I wrong?” I said. I knew that I wasn’t doing a very good job of hiding my amusement, but honestly, what did he expect from me? As far as I had seen, Killian was dauntless. This was a fascinating change.

“I’m not afraid.”

I rolled my eyes. What a typical macho thing to say. Did he really think that I was going to think less of him for this? Pfft. “I didn’t say you were,” I replied with an arched brow. I turned my head to the side and peered at him, making it perfectly clear that I expected an answer to the question I had asked.

Killian cleared his throat. “Alright, I might have suggested that we check out that new Johnny Depp movie instead, but only because come on, Johnny Depp!”

I grinned. This was why I was with him. Killian had the same penchant for unashamed enthusiasm that I did. It was positively refreshing.

Marcus had always been more mellow, balancing me out instead of elevating the excitement. It had always made me feel like I was buoyant, like I was higher up than everyone else around me and he was my anchor.

“We can always catch a late showing,” I suggested. Killian perked up at that, until I added, “You know, after we hit the dance floor. I’m not taking no, mister.”

This time, Killian let out an exaggeratedly agonized moan. I knew that he did it only to make me smile and it worked. I leaned across the table and pecked his cheek. “Don’t worry, darling, it’s all in the leading.”

A waitress appeared and took our orders. As soon as she was gone I took hold of Killian’s hand and pulled him up. “Come on, let’s dance now. We have plenty of time before the food comes and I think you’ll feel better about this whole endeavor sooner when you see that it’s not so bad after all.”

“I told you, I’m not worried. Dancing’s just not my favorite.” And that was when he passed from being mildly alarmed to being embarrassed and defensive.

I gave him my very most enticing smile- what Rhea had affectionately termed my man-eating smile. “I don’t know why it’s not.” I put his hands on my hips and slid them up to where they were supposed to be from there. “It’s the perfect excuse to hold me in public.” I stepped closer, illustrating. We slipped easily into the dancing throng, though Killian never lost that awkward edge in his movements. I encouraged him to spin me out, throwing some extra energy into the move so that I flew out quicker than I ever had before and came back at him with a snap. He grinned as he caught me and dipped me down.

I leaned up with the excuse of trying to be heard over the music when I spoke. If my lips got a little distracted on the way to his ear, what of it? “I knew you had it in you,” I told him approvingly.

And in that moment, I was certain that he was enjoying this just as much as I was.

***

“I don’t believe what they say about you, you know,” Carson said. We were meandering the neighborhood after an especially exhausting shift at work. He and I had, over the past couple of weeks, gotten to know each other quite well- well enough that I could tell that he was a little uncomfortable just then, even though his posture was relaxed and he wore his usual easy grin.

I frowned. “What do you mean?”

“You remember when we first met? I told you that we could only be friends. I think that was unnecessary and I’m sorry that I judged you so early on.” I knew that he could easily read the shock on my face, but before I had a chance to respond he had laughed uncomfortably and said, “Oh, no! That’s not what I meant at all. I don’t mean I’ve changed my mind- sorry, you’re great and all, but... That’s off track. What I meant was that I don’t think you get around as much as they say you do.”

Oh, that made me feel so much better. Honestly, guys, Carson was really fun and all, but I had a boyfriend and I would have hated to need to explain that to him. “I don’t know. They’re not so very far off the mark. Marcus left thirteen months ago. Take a guess at how many people I’ve gone out with since then.”

Carson frowned. “The first couple of months don’t count. Even the most stable of people can fall into rebounding in the beginning, Florence. How long have you been seeing Killian?”

“A month. And haven’t I told you not to call me Florence? The only people who are allowed to do that are-”

“Yes, I know, Rhea and the band,” Carson cut me off in a patronizing tone. “Don’t get off-topic, Flo.”

“A month isn’t very long, Carson.”

He stopped walking and held his ground until I went and stood by him. “Florence, it’s not like you have a different person on your arm every night. Not anymore,” he added when he saw that I was about to argue. “Maybe you played around a bit, for a while, but cut yourself a little break for that. You were hurting.” It was times like this that I wondered whether Carson wasn’t... well, you know, playing for the other team. Then I always immediately felt guilty for wondering that, since really, did it matter?

But the curiosity was still there under the guilt. Seriously, how many straight guys do you know who are so perceptive, so willing to talk about feelings? Well, other than Reed, but then Rhea had definitely found herself an exception in him. He was extraordinary in more ways than one, I had always thought.

I shook off my thoughts and lifted my chin. “Why, Carson, you sound almost concerned for me. How sweet.” I pinched his cheek so he would think that I hadn’t taken his words so seriously as I did and started walking again. Carson fell into step beside me.

“You know, I met Rhea a couple of nights ago.”

“What! And you didn’t mention this to me? Carson, this is exciting! Don’t you realize how exciting this is? What did you think of her? Oh, you loved her of course. Everyone does. She’s fantastic. She wouldn’t have been my best friend for all of these years if she weren’t fantastic.”

When I paused to breathe, Carson chuckled a bit and answered, “I didn’t tell you because it slipped my mind. I didn’t realize what a big deal this would be to you.”

“Big deal? Boys, honestly.” I paused to inhale deeply, exhale. How frustrating.

Or perhaps I was already a bit frustrated and the issue wasn’t Carson at all. He had recently started to feel like one of my very closest friends. The band boys looked at me like a bomb about to go off. I think that they were expecting me to break apart at any moment and had been ever since we got the news about Marcus coming back. Even when Rhea looked at me I could tell that she was probing, worried.

My other friends were all in the know and while they didn’t seem to be worried about me having some kind of breakdown, they were most definitely too curious to make hanging out with them very fun. Always it was, “What are you going to do when he comes back?” or “Do you think you’ll get back together?” or- perhaps my favorite- “I wonder if he’ll still want you.” Basically the moral here is that Carson was the only safe friend I had just then, the only one who treated me normally. I valued that.

I pushed those thoughts away. No need to think about something I had no control over, especially if that something was stressing me out like this. “You know, Carson, you still haven’t answered my question.”

“What question? I think it got a little lost in your rambling.” This was said with a smile my way, so I didn’t take offense.

“What did you think of her?”

I peered at Carson, trying to figure out the answer without his having to say it. I got nothing. That boy was like an open book, only it was in a different language. Even though Carson never hid anything, he was impossible to read. “In fact, I thought she seemed downright pleasant.”

“Pleasant?” I repeated, stunned. Out of all of the first impressions that Rhea could have given...

Carson seemed amused by my reaction. “Yup. Pleasant. She invited me to have dinner with you guys tonight. She really didn’t mention it?”

I shook my head, dumbfounded. “I had no idea we had plans tonight.” We walked along in silence while I wondered why Rhea hadn’t mentioned it to me. I had just decided that she must have simply forgot when Carson pulled out his phone, messed with it a bit, and lightly swore.

“What?” I asked.

His eyes met mine for a moment before he said, “Don’t tell Rhea I mentioned the dinner. I didn’t read her text until just now... the one saying that it’s supposed to be a surprise for you.”

I grinned. “A surprise dinner! See? Isn’t she wonderful? Did she mention why?” I took hold of Carson’s arm, gazing up at him with my most pleading expression. He winced.

“That look isn’t fair, Florence. It’s like a weapon, cutting away people’s ability to withstand you.”

“Then don’t!” I didn’t bother yelling at him for calling me Florence. It would only hurt my chances of getting any information out of him.

Carson gave an exaggerated sigh. “Fine. It’s a welcome back party. Some friend of yours is in town for a while and they didn’t tell you because they know how much you enjoy surprises.”

Carson grinned at me, but his smile faltered pretty quickly. It would have taken someone far less perceptive than him not to notice the effect his words had on me. Who could the friend be but Marcus? How could Rhea be so daft as to think that I would be happy about having him sprung on me? Even with time to prepare it would be a challenge just to keep my cool when I had to see him again.

I was doing a way better job at hiding how I really felt when I thought of him than I had expected to, if she really thought I was over him. Yeah, Killian was a good guy and all, but... He wasn’t Marcus. He didn’t understand me, not really. When Killian looked at me what he saw was some idealized version of me. It was an illusion, not real-- just like our relationship. I cared about him and we had fun together. That was all. It was worlds away from what I had had with Marcus.

Carson wrapped his arm around my shoulder. “Hey, Flo, what’s wrong?”

I gave him a shaky imitation of a smile and said, “How can anything be wrong when I’ve finally worn you down into calling me Flo?”

Carson rolled his eyes. “Be serious for a minute please. What is it?”

I huffed a bit but finally answered, “Look, it’s just that I need a little more time to prepare myself before I’m ready to face Marcus again. When he left...” I trailed off, unwilling to share what came next. When Marcus left, I was still very much in love with him. Ever heard of that saying, out of sight, out of mind? Yeah, well, I was proof that that was complete nonsense. I thought that maybe I had moved past him, but honestly I wasn’t convinced and I knew that the only way to know for certain would be seeing him again. That was going to be an important moment for me and I had expected more time. I didn’t think I was ready.

“Marcus? Oh, no. Florence. It’s not Marcus who’s come back. I promise. After a chat I had with Rhea, I am sure that she wouldn’t do that to you. Don’t ask me more because you already know more than you were supposed to.”

“Oh.” I didn’t know if that made me feel better or not. Yeah, I was relieved... but there was an unexpected weight that settled on me, something almost like regret.

I knew in that moment that I really was in trouble. Marcus’ return would stir my life up just as much as his leaving had.