The Dare

Air. I needed air. It was all around me but I felt like I was suffocating. No matter how much I tried to breath I just couldn't. I dropped to the floor and pulled my knees up to rest my head, I hadn't stopped crying since I left Vic's house. I was sitting on the beach, leaning back on a big rock that hid me from anyone who would be on the beach. I let out a sob and lifted my head then banged it back down on my knees, it hurt quiet badly but I didn't care. It was nothing compared to the pain'" inside my chest, how could I have been so stupid? Why did I let myself think that somebody like Vic would actually want to be with me?

I'm so fucking stupid! I tangled my fingers in my hair and held it in fists, I couldn't stop crying. And when I say crying I don't mean the 'oh I've just been dumped' crying, no I mean the type of crying you would see in a movie when the girl is sat alone in her car whilst its raining outside. I couldn't quite get my head around it all, all I knew was that I felt like somebody was stabbing my heart over and over again but I couldn't die, all I could do was feel the pain. I took in a deep shaky breath and tried to steady my breathing but nothing was working.

"Fuck!" I cried and punched the ground next to me. How can the one person I actually cared about hurt me so much?

"Kellin?" I looked behind at hearing the british accent and saw Danny standing a few feet away, he started walking towards me and got to my feet quickly and wiped at my face. "We're you crying?" He asked when he reached me, I turned to look at him and felt nothing but hatred. This was all his fault, he made Vic do this to me, he was the one who was so content on ruining my life.

"What do you want?" I snapped "are you here to see how your marvellous plan worked out?" Danny looked at me with confusion in his eyes that quickly turned to realisation. I few tears fall down my cheeks but I didn't bother wiping them away, what was the point? They'd just come back again. "Kellin, listen I-"

"I don't give a fuck about what you have say!" I interrupted, "you know, I knew you hated me but really? Why do you do this to me? I never actually did anything to you yet you seem to make it your mission to make my life worse every single day!" I shouted, more tears falling down my cheeks. "I loved him" I said more quieter now, "He was the only source of happiness in my life, and you managed to take that and turn it into one of your fucked up games!"

Danny stared back at me with wide eyes, a hurt look on his face. What the fuck! He's hurt with what I said? Well I don't care, he needed to know. He needs to know how his actions effect people, I'm not going to let him get away with anything anymore. "And to think, I would have actually been your friend again if you ever decided to apologise" I added then I turned on my heel and walked away. As soon as I was out of sight from Danny I picked up speed and ran home all the while trying to hold back on crying again. I loved Vic, I still love him now. No matter how much I tried I couldn't hate him, he had made me happy and gave me hope and that had finally made me think that my life wasn't so bad. I opened the door to my house and slammed it shut then ran upstairs into my room were I finally broke down behind the closed door. My chest was heavy and it hurt, I felt like there was a storm cloud hanging over my head, following me wherever I went and just when the sun was starting to peek out it will rain down heavily on me.

I took a deep breath and stood up from the floor where I was sitting. Walking over to my drawer I opened it and took out the small blue bag I kept right at the back of all my papers. The tears had stopped flowing as I sat on my bed and crossed my legs, I was breathing heavily as I emptied out the contexts of the bag in front if me. Do I really want to do this? After two months if being clean?

Just do it. You'll never be good enough for anyone. Nobody really cares anyway. Your pathetic, a waste of space. Your life will never get better. No wonder your mum left, No wonder your dad hates you!

I quickly removed my jumper and picked up the small silver piece, my breathing rapid and shallow as negative thoughts swam around my mind. one, two, three. I opened my eyes and looked down at the red bubbles that have surfaced over the long thin lines. Tears blurred my vision as I felt the stinging pain shoot up and down my arm.

Vic never loved you. He only said it because it was part of the dare. He never loved you. He doesn't care about you, your a loser. a pathetic, unwanted loser.

four, five, six. I fell back onto my bed and stared at the ceiling, I took in a deep breath and filled my lungs with air. I could feel the liquid running down the side of my arm and probably onto my bed. I closed my eyes as more tears spilled out through the corners of my eyes. I wanted to cry out but I couldn't I just didn't have the energy, my whole body felt weak and my brain seemed as if it was switched of. I stood up slowly and went to turn of the light then dropped back down on my bed, closing my eyes to let sleep take me away.

~~~~~

It's been three days since I found out about Vic's pathetic dare. I hadn't left the house apart from when I would hear my dad come back from wherever, then I would climb out my window and go down to the beach or to jesse's for a while. The faded bruises on my body were a result of how well my plan had worked, I didn't cry either when my dad had hit me. For the first time in a long time I felt like I actually deserved it. I tried really hard to take my mind of Vic but everything reminded me of him, so instead I spent those three days hiding under the warmth of my blankets and sleeping. And that was what I had planned to do today too if it hadn't been for my half drunk father pulling me out of bed this morning.

"Get the fuck up and get to school! I can't have social services coming over asking why your not in school!" He slurred, so I got up out of bed and started getting ready. Even if he was drunk there was still no way I was ever going to disagree with him. I was kind of nervous and scared about seeing Vic, I had music today and I wasn't ready to face him just yet. Would he try to talk to me? I hope not, I'm not sure I'll know what to do if he did. Shout? Cry? Scream at him to leave me alone? After pulling on a pair of skinny jeans and a random band shirt, I took out the roll of bandages I kept in my drawer and changed it with the already bloody one tied around my wrist. I guess I had cut I little deeper than I thought, usually it would bleed for at least four days so I don't expect it to actually stop until tomorrow. I threw the remainder of the bandages in my bag for later, I grabbed my jumper and then headed downstairs and out the door. Maybe I could skip music instead? Yeah, that's what I'll do. I don't have to deal the Vic just yet, I could maybe skip a few lessons before I actually I have to face him.

I walked slowly but yet somehow I ended getting to school a lot quicker than I would have liked. I made my way to my first lesson which was English and sat at the back in my usual seat. The teacher was talking about poetry and different types of languages or whatever but I wasn't really listening. I had headphones in that I hid with my hair and hoodie, although I'm pretty sure you could still hear the sound of music playing because I had turned the volume up on high. I wasn't thinking about anything yet I found myself daydreaming all lesson. I was staring into space, my mind was blank, I just sort of zoned out completely and entered another world of nothing. I was brought back to reality when a piece of paper hit my face, I blinked a few times then frowned down at the paper. I pulled out my earphones and looked up at the direction it had come from, Danny was sitting on a desk that was close to mine. I noticed that everyone else in the room had disappeared, even the teacher was gone.

"Emergency assembly" said Danny noticing the confusion on my face, I picked up my bag of the floor and stood up. I didn't want to talk to him, I hated him more than ever and the last thing I wanted was to be in a room alone with him. I walked straight past him and out into the hall, turning left, the opposite direction of the hall. I heard footsteps behind me and I knew Danny was following me. Ugh! What the fuck does want?

"Your going the wrong way" he shouted

"So are you" I replied looking over my shoulder. I carried on walking until I reached the doors that lead to outside, I walked out letting them slam shut behind me only to hear them open again.

"Where are you going?"

"Leave me alone!" I shouted, why is he still following me? I walked faster and turned the corner of the building then ran Quickly until I came to a door that I recognised as the schools dance studio. I opened the door and slid inside, thankful that it wasn't locked. The room was dark, I couldn't see anything in front of me. I fumbled around the walls looking for the switch, I've never really been in here before apart from when I had to do P.E in freshman year. I froze as the door opened bringing in a moment of light before it was dark again, someone else had entered the room. Probably Danny, I sighed and opened my mouth to tell him to go away when a voice that wasn't Danny's sounded out through the darkness.

"Kells?" It was Vic, "I saw you come in here" he said, I could feel my heart beating through my chest. I wasn't planning on seeing him today, oh shit! What am I going to do? I stayed quiet, where I was and felt the wall to try and see where I was, my hand brushed against the corner of something glass. The mirror, okay so I was bit far from the door.

"Kellin?" I didn't reply, If I can make it out of here without bumping into him then I can go home, well to Jesse's, I wasn't going to risk going home to my dad before school finished. I heard footsteps but they weren't coming towards me, I moved slowly away from them until my back hit a wall causing it to make a sound as my bag came in contact with the wall.

"Kellin? Please, I just want to talk." The footsteps started to get closer, "just let me explain everything properly okay?" I slid down to the floor and tucked my legs under my chin as I felt him near me. He was so close, I could smell his sweet musky perfume. I tried hard to breath quietly so he wouldn't know I was there. I heard him sigh and he was quiet for a moment before he started speaking again.

"I'm sorry, I never actually meant to hurt you, I mean I knew it would but ... I thought of it more as just a joke" I closed my eyes and tried to picture Vic standing there, telling me all this with a sympathetic look. Well I don't want his sympathy and don't want to hear anything he has to say. I stood up and walked with my back against the wall slowly away from his voice. "I was stupid okay? When I agreed to do the, Urm, dare, I didn't think I'd end up falling for you like I did a-and I can understand why you would hate me, I even hate me right now." I don't hate you Vic, I felt tears come into my eyes and wiped them away before they could fall, it took a lot in me not to run to him and just throw my arms around him. Instead I carried on moving against the wall until I felt something sharp hit my wrist.

"Ah, fuck!" I whisper yelled bringing my hand up to cradle at my chest, I felt the wall with my other hand to see what it was. Some sort if hook I think.

"Kellin?" Vic said, "Are you okay?" I bit my lip and closed my eyes tight, fucking hell! That hurt, I wrapped my hand around my wrist to put pressure on it hoping it would maybe numb the pain a bit but I felt something warm and sticky instead. Blood was seeping through the bandage and I could feel some of the cuts that had re-opened. "Shit!" I said not bothering to be quiet anymore, I have to get out of here, now. I looked up at a bright light that was roaming around the room, Vic was using his phone to find me, I spotted the door nearby and made a quick dash for it.

"Kellin! Wait!" Shouted Vic but I was already out of the door, running back into school and towards the bathrooms. I shut the door and locked it behind me, silently thanking the gods that nobody else was in here. I dropped my bag to the floor and looked down at my wrist, it was bleeding a lot heavier than I thought and some of it had even gotten on jumper. I pulled my sleeve up and carefully unwrapped the soaked bandage then dropped it in the bin. I turned the tap on and held my hand under the hot water to get rid of the blood. I winced at the extra pain brought on by the water, it hurts a fucking lot. When the blood was gone I grabbed some tissues and wiped it dry then got to work on wrapping it up in a clean bandage. It took me a while to finish because every time I would pull at the soft fabric to make sure it was tight enough it would hurt. I was glad nobody came in during my little scene. I picked up my bag and splashed my face with water. This whole avoiding Vic thing really wasn't working, I have no idea what to say to him. To be honest I would have thought that I'd shout or cry and yell at him but I can't. I can't hate him and I definitely can't see or talk to him cause I'm not sure I'll be able to hold back my tears. The door opened and I half expected it to be Vic or Danny but it was just some random person, I'm guessing assembly finished then. I left the bathroom and headed outside to sit under the tree that I usually sat under but when I stepped outside I saw Vic leaning against the tree.

I stared at him for a few moments, he looked good today. He was wearing a red anthem made top that showed of his arms perfectly and his hair looked soft as always under his little beanie. I took a deep shaky breath and blinked back tears, I just wanted to run over to him and kiss him but instead I turned and went in the other direction away from the tree. I felt a few tears slide down my cheek and wiped them away before anyone saw them. I didn't feel like staying at school, the possibility of seeing Vic was just too much for me to handle and i obviously wasn't ready to see him just yet. I have to get away. I walked out of the school gates, not really knowing or paying attention to where I was going. All that was going through my head was the memories of all the different times I was with Vic, the first time I saw him, the first time I kissed him, the first time I let him touch me. Was that all fake? Did all those moments mean anything to him as much as they had meant to me? Maybe I am better of by myself anyway, that way no one can hurt me. A thought came into my head, the only person who can hurt me now is my dad, but if I let people into my life then that will mean they will either leave or hurt me. I spotted a library and decided that I would spend the rest of the day there, as I walked in and towards the librarian at her desk, I promised myself that I wouldn't let anyone new into my life, because all they would do is hurt me and leave me. All I needed was Jesse and his parents, I don't need anyone else and I especially don't need a man to keep myself happy which means that I don't need Vic in my life.