Don't Give up on Me

We ended up going to Zack's apartment after Ryan bought drinks. He bought the three things I needed and even put them in a separate bag so I could have them to myself.

Jack Daniels, Sprite, and vodka. Small bottles, since it was expensive and he did just put a down payment onto his apartment. But it was plenty for me. They all settled on a game of flip-cup while I mixed my drink together perfectly.
"You Dawson's are cheaters, fuck!" Brian exclaimed when my brother beat him in less than two minutes.

"Who do you think taught the little one?" Ryan grinned, messing my hair up ever-so-slightly. My sudden change in attitude made me want to hit him for even touching me. For some reason, I was livid. I sipped on my drink and pretended that the strong drink aided me to keep away from him.

The scene around me seemed to change in a matter of minutes, while I hadn't even moved. The game faded and a discussion about some band started up. Logan appeared, and noticing my mood, gave me a sympathetic look and gave me my space. I don't know what it is about parties, but they made me feel confined -- even though this wasn't a party. I felt the same in large crowds, something like social anxiety mixed with claustrophobia. This was why I hadn't liked the performance part of dance; too much pressure. I had to get out.

I slipped out of the apartment and sat just outside the door, on the walkway facing the neighborhoods and clear, bright night sky.

In Austin, you couldn't see the stars. They were there, and if you looked hard and long enough, you'd see them. But, if you lived in the heart of the city, with all of the buildings and restaurants and their blinding lights, you couldn't see the brilliant specs in the dark sky. You couldn't tell that Vincent Van Gogh (even though that he was in an entirely different country and era of time) had been so radically influenced by the sky at night to paint so many pieces. You couldn't see that while it cast dark shadows across the land, that night can create truly beautiful things.

This was my least favorite thing about Austin-- and I loved the city so much, to the moon and back wouldn't even cover it. But that was the only downfall the city had. It was always annoying that I had to drive up to an hour away just to see the stars.

I don't know why I'm so obsessed with stars. I think it started my freshman year, when I crushed on this drum major in my school's marching band who happened to be taking Astronomy. He was always talking about it whenever I'd stop by his group of friends to say hello. I remember going home after my dance practice and a trip to the library and reading until three in the morning about stars and constellations and just how vast our universe was.

I never dated the guy. He was too sweet and not nearly rough enough to really satisfy anything for me. I don't even remember his name. But I like that he motivated me to not take for granted the simple things of the world around me.

Tonight, among many other nights, was a night that I truly appreciated living just blocks away from the beach. I always thought that California would be just like Austin- a place without stars, without my favorite thing. I was wrong. I got lucky with living far enough away from L.A. that I can easily see my beloved white-hot spheres, but I was still in a urbanized place. It was amazing.

I sipped my drink and took another deep breath, the only thing that kept my resentment towards -guess who!- my father at bay. The stars calmed me, as did the warm breeze.

I was bothered by it, but I couldn't do anything about it. I made my bed by being who I am; now I've got to lie in it. I wasn't about to apologize for my personality by any means, though. Maybe it's best that my Dad didn't have to worry about me anymore. I just wish I hadn't heard how ready and willing he seemed to be at the thought of me no longer being a worry of his. Was I really that much of a hassle?

"Thought you'd be out here," Zack says from a few feet away, breaking me out of my daze. "Drinking without me?"

"Guilty," I shrugged, but with hardly any effort. I was still too engrossed on what happened earlier to attempt joking. I sighed. "Why am I actually upset that I'm finally out?"

"Um..." I heard him say, trying to come up with a response.

"That was rhetorical. I know it's ridiculous. My dad hates me. Nothing new."

"He doesn't hate you."

"You can't possibly believe that after hearing what he said-"

"I can, because when I told him about your birthday, he couldn't believe that I wasn't fucking joking or on drugs. He told me if something went wrong, it was on me, and that if I hurt you again-" the last bit was almost inaudible, tinged with guilt of something that happened before we even got together. "- he would bury me himself if you killed me for it before he did."

I smiled for the tiniest second. "You'd be six feet under before he even knew what happened and you know it."

He laughed. "I know."

"I know he just wants to move on from everything, I just didn't know he was so willing to push me aside for his future..." I sighed, pulling my knees up to my chest, thankful I wasn't in a dress tonight.

"It'll get better. Just enjoy your freedom you have until he realizes that letting you and Ryan live together is the stupidest decision ever made in human history."

"Baker, an even more stupid decision would be letting you and I live together. Do you know how much laundry and dishes would go unclean because we're both so lazy? At least Ryan is a neat freak or else I'd be screwed."

"You've given this thought?" he asks, but it was more of a statement.

I looked over at him and shrugged.
"Sometimes my insomnia gets the best of me and my mind wanders."

He looked nervous then, and I couldn't help but laugh out loud at him. "Relax, Baker, it's not like I secretly wish we did live together. I just happen to think about it every once in a while."

And he visibly relaxed, shoulders slack and an audible sigh of relief escaping his lips. "God, I thought you were crazier than normal for a minute there."

I rolled my eyes, but I still laughed. "Ha ha. You really haven't thought about it at least once or twice?"

"Well..." He trailed off. Nervous again. Not on my watch.

"Well, what?" I urged quietly. "Talk to me, Z. You can trust me with this."

"Yeah," he finally admits. "Yeah, I have. It's like you live here anyways; Shit, Andi, you even have your own shampoo here."

We both laugh. "You can't expect me to use yours and still have great hair like this, do you?" I shook out my hair for effect.

He pulled me close and kissed the top of my head, ever-so-slightly sniffing my hair. "No, I don't. It smells pretty good, too."

"See?" I smiled, turning around to face him so we could properly kiss.

"Ow," he murmured, breaking the kiss. I forgot that there was a dryer vent beside the doorframe and apparently, so did he, as it was digging into his back. I laughed as he carefully inched over until he could sit against the wall comfortably again.

"So, aside from shampoo, what else have you thought about?" I asked him softly, my curiosity burning like fire.

"Well, aside from that, not much. Just that it'd be a little easier to get up in the mornings if you didn't have to leave immediately after," he said just as quietly as I did. His voice was so low and husky that it sent chills down my spine on account of how attractive it was.

"Aw, babe," I smiled, kissing him again. "You better not be saying that just to get laid," I continued in the same sweet voice. He laughed.

"You've figured me out," he grinned down at me. "Seriously, though, it sucked that you always had to sneak back home and now I can sleep in."

"You are such a jerk," I laughed. "Just admit that you secretly like sleeping with me in the literal form of the word already, because I can't  seem to sleep without you with me."

He looked away, knowing I was right. "Trust me, I'd love to be with you every night and every morning without wondering who has to leave before dawn. Sometimes I wish we were graduated already so we didn't have to deal with this shit. We could just chill and you could like, be naked and stuff. That'd be pretty dope."

"You're funny," I chuckled for a few seconds, pressing my lips to his once again. "Although I have to admit, that doesn't sound half bad."

Suddenly, there was a noise behind the door only inches away from us, making me jump and him groan. He relunctantly eased me off of him and hit his fist once into the door, hearing Brian swear as the noise hit his eardrum directly.

"Damn it," he muttered, opening the door. "Show's over, asshole. Why don't you go brag about your dad's guitars some more, you prick."

He closed the door firmly, cutting off Brian's reply before the first word was ever uttered. "Sorry about that..."

"We'll get him back later," I grinned back at him, all signs of anger washing away from him at that same time.

"Do you at least feel better now?" he asks just as low as before. Except this time, his lips were right beside my ear, right on the spot that drove me wild.

"Much better," I replied, my arms in their place behind his neck. "I love you."

"I love you, too," he murmurs into my neck, brushing his lips down my neck softly before leading me back inside.

Brian and Jason could make fun of Zacky and I for what they rudely overheard earlier all they wanted, because at the end of the day, nothing could deter me from the feelings he gave me. For example, he gave me warmth, as we lay together underneath the thin sheet in his bedroom. The open window let the breeze in, and every time I seemed to shiver, he'd pull me closer and the cold was pushed away. I loved it. I loved him, overwhelmingly so. I was all in, and by the sound of the semi-serious talk we had earlier, he was, too. I knew my father just casted us off as a teenage relationship that wouldn't last, but just because his didn't doesn't me mine won't. There was something stronger here, connecting us deeper than just another relationship.

Who knows, maybe one day we'll be able to properly play house, as Logan teasingly described the talk Jason filled her in about. Would it be so bad that I was looking forward to it? Hopefully not.