Don't Give up on Me

With the win of the state competition behind me, the next month seemingly flew by. I finally got around to celebrating with my friends and family, and got my portfolio put together and emailed it to every school I had applied to, including NYU. School was starting to wind down. Spring break had passed by. Everything in my life was consistent and normal, yet, it didn't feel right. The guilt had only subsided a little, and I was starting to withdraw from everything and everyone I loved. I couldn't fully enjoy anything without thinking about how much I would miss it if I left it behind.

Zack started to notice, too. So did everyone, honestly. I still couldn't bring myself to tell him the whole truth, so I told him the same thing that I said to everyone: "I feel lost. Ryan says it's normal because I'm about to transition. That's all."

I did feel lost, though. Do I stay where I'm happy, or do I pack up and leave everything I've grown to love once again? I wanted to shout the truth so badly, but every time I tried, I got tongue tied and couldn't say anything.

"Hey, kiddo, you've got a few important looking envelopes addressed to you. Let's get them opened, huh?" Ryan said from the kitchen, while I lounged on the couch.

"How about no," I replied dryly, continuing to channel surf.

"No. You're not going to do that thing where you shut me out again, Andria. I refuse to let it happen. Get up and open the fucking envelopes. This is your future we're talking about, not some new subscription to Alternative Press," he said sternly, his voice echoing loudly throughout the house.

I turned the t.v. off and trudged over to the bar, heaving a sigh as I eased myself onto a barstool. "Fine. Hit me."

He slapped a thick brown envelope from USC onto the counter. "Open it."

I took the letter opener and eased it underneath the flap before taking out the contents. "'Dear Ms. Andria Dawson, the University of Southern California congratulates you on behalf on all of our faculty that we have accepted you to further your education here starting in the fall semester...' Ryan! I got in!"

"Holy shit!" he yelled in excitement, embracing me. "Looks like we're in school together once again, sis!"

"Wait, hold on, let me see if the FAFSA thing has come in for USC," I replied, quickly opening the next form.

My eyes scanned over the form, and my happiness faded quickly. "I don't qualify for any financial aid here, because of Dad... I-- I can't go to USC, Ryan."

"Why not? Dad would be ecstatic to pay for you," he said with a roll of his eyes, puzzled that I was so quick to reject it.

"No, he won't, Ryan, not when they have Paige, Serena, you, and I draining their account every semester," I sighed. "They haven't even finalized the new deal for the new restaurant, and that'll cost them, too. USC is out of the question."

"That's okay. You have five others here, Andi, you'll find your fit." He shrugged it off and handed me the next envelope.

I also got accepted into UCLA and UC in Irvine, but only UCLA would partially help me out with financial aid. There was one left, and it was from the cause of my inner struggle.

I slid the knife under the lip of the envelope and opened it, but couldn't bring myself to read it. I couldn't face the rejection, so I gave it to Ryan instead.

"Dear Ms. Andria Dawson, on behalf of blah blah blah... something about you winning state, and NYU being impressed..."

He continues reading, then grins. "Andi, I can't believe this, but you've gotten in! They're giving you the Jack Kent Cooke scholarship because you have a promising 'academic and artistic future that will represent New York University well'. This scholarship will cover three years of school, Andi. The fourth year will be determined if you stay on course."

"You're kidding..." I whispered in disbelief, snatching away the paper from him. I read through it with tears in my eyes. He was right. New York wanted me.

"Oh, God," I murmured, putting the acceptance letter down and taking in a deep breath. "Oh no. No. This isn't happening."

"What? Andi, this is your dream! What's got you so messed up?" Ryan says in confusion.

"He's going to hate me. Everyone will hate me if I leave. I can't ... I can't do that to them."

"Andi, if you feel obligated to stay because of Zack and Charlotte and everyone here, then you really need to rethink everyone you keep close. Alicia wanted me to stay in Texas and I did for as long as I could manage. But, even though I loved her to death, I had to leave. It wasn't worth it to only exist when I could be living. So, I left, and now I'm happy, because I have you and Dad and everyone we love here. But, you... You've always been the independent one in the family. A full ride to your dream school only comes once in a lifetime, Andi. Do you want to stay comfortable here or do you want to branch out?"

I looked away from him then. I didn't know what I had to say to that. I wanted both. But that wasn't how life worked. Life is full of choices, ones that are too hard to make with only a second of thought.

"It seems like you have some decisions to make. I've got to go to work, anyways. I'll see you later," he said after a few moments. Within seconds, I was alone in the apartment, my thoughts whirling at a mile a second.

I needed someone to talk to, someone that wouldn't spill the beans like Cara had about State. Charlotte was sorting out her living arrangements for when she started her photography study next month, and I couldn't put this onto her. Violet was busy with her spring recital, Jimmy was too loyal to be put into a situation like this, and Brian and Matt were equally too busy. I wasn't as close with the Berry brothers nor Logan, so they were out. Serena and Jourdan were the only two left. I would tell Jourdan the same time I told her mom, so Serena would be my best bet. Unlike her past self, she could keep a secret and make sure no one knew until she was given the okay.

I called her and asked her over. She was at my place in less than ten minutes, a worried look on her face. "What's wrong? What did Zack do? Who am I beating tonight?"

I chuckled softly, unable to help it. "He didn't do a thing, and if you're gonna beat anyone, you may as well beat me."

"Although my bratty past self would be pleased to do that, I am afraid I can't," she said, visibly relaxing a bit. "Now, tell me, Andi, what's going on?"

Yet again finding myself tongue tied, I gave her the acceptance letters and let her see for herself. I felt anxious as we sat in an agonizing ten minute long silence. "So, you're going to New York?"

"Yes... no... I don't know..." I sighed. "If I leave--"

"Zack will be devastated. You two are practically attached at the hip, you know. This may actually break his heart, you know, and he isn't shaken that easily, trust me."

"Oh, God," I moaned. "I can't do this to him! I can't even do this for myself. I just... I belong here."

"That's true, but you know what else? You will forever regret not going to New York if you don't take this opportunity. Let's say that you and Zack end up going the distance. If this still lingers as a tiny amount of resentment in the long run, you two will crash and burn, hard. If you end up doing long distance, could you handle that? Could you trust him, and yourself, to be faithful? These are things you have to factor in too, Andi." She grabs my hand and squeezes it. "Whatever you choose, I'll stand by you."

"Really?" I asked.

"You're my sister. Of course I've got your back."

I smiled. "Thanks, Serena. I'll keep all of that in mind."

"So when are you telling my mom and your dad? You should do it today, they've gotten their first day off in ages. They'd be happy to hear about something other than the new restaurant."

I shrugged. "I hadn't gotten that far. Should I?"

"It couldn't hurt. Besides, they could help you make a decision. And you could also use the time out of the house..."

"I'm taking the hint. Give me some time, and we'll be there soon."

************

"I have to admit, Andria, I'm impressed. A full scholarship is hard to come by, after all," my father said as he read over the acceptance letter. "It's actually quite conveinient, Andi, because the new restaurant we're trying to pitch will be located in New York."

"Wait, really?" I asked in shock.

"Yes, dear," Laura smiled, pouring more coffee into my mug. "Your father and I will get to see you often if the deal works out. You could possibly even live in the apartment we will keep if it all works out."

"As much as I'd love for you to stay here, this is a great opportunity to have," my dad says. "Is that what you really want, Andi?"

"I--I think so?"

"Well, then, you've got our support, Andi."

Laura claps her hands together. "Oh, I'm so proud of you, Andi! I just know that you'll do well in New York. Lord, we need to start planning! We have to buy you more supplies and furniture for your dorm room and some winter clothes, because it snows up there, and--"

"Mom!" Serena whines. "Chill out! She hasn't made her decision yet and you're already bombarding her with things that aren't even that important right now."

"She's right, Laura. Andi still needs to make this decision, after all. And fast, too. You've only got a week, according to the letter," my dad adds.

"Thanks, Laura, but I've still got to consider everything before I worry about getting anything."

She sighs. "Well, I'll be here for whenever you're ready."

"I think I'm going to head out now," I said after a few more moments.

"Let me get my keys," Serena says, dashing towards the garage.

"No, you don't have to, Serena. I think I'm going to walk."

Laura and Serena give me the same identical look of disbelief. "But, your apartment is nearly ten miles away, Andi."

"Let her go," my dad says firmly. "I had the same thing as she when I was a teenager. However, mine was about how I learned that Monica was pregnant with Ryan while we were both still seventeen. She needs this walk."

I looked at my dad with a grateful smile. For the first time in forever, we were back on the same page. "Thanks, Dad. Goodbye, everyone."

I walked out into the warm afternoon sun and headed for my one place to think: the dock. It was where Zack gave me my birthday gifts, it was where we both realized that we liked each other, it was where we both came if we had to think something over. And I obviously had plenty to think about.

It wasn't that far from the McMansion. Laura had a thing for exaggerating to the extreme. It was two miles away from their home, and about one from mine. The walk reminded me of what I once gave up -- the exhilarating rush of blood moving through my veins-- and made me feel more awake, more energized.

I took off my Converse once I arrived and put my feet into the water, letting the warm salt water wash over my feet as I stared at the horizon, deep in thought.

I had four questions continually running through my head: What will Zack think? What will we do if he isn't angry? What will I do if he doesn't like it? Is this the right thing to do?

I looked down at the acceptance letter and read through it once again. My chest tightened in realization when I learned my answer. I felt tears start to drip from my chin as I folded the letter tight. My life was about to change forever, and I wasn't sure if I was ready for it.

But, knowing myself, I was going to go in headfirst and never look back.