Don't Give up on Me

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I sighed heavily and put my cell phone back into my pocket. Terror rose in my chest as I waited the agonizing minutes for Zack to arrive at the same place we always talked over things that were serious.

One week ago, I responded back to my offer to study at NYU. I would be leaving on August 10th and most likely wouldn't return back to California until the following December. If Zack was willing to stay with me despite being so far apart, then I could stop worrying. But, I also knew that I told him New York didn't mean anything and that I was staying. Telling him that I accepted this offer would invalidate everything I told him previously.

Graduation was only four days away. I hoped that maybe if I told him before the party Serena's mother insisted on throwing for us, then maybe it would soften the blow. He would know before I announced it to my family and our friends that night, but I feared that it wouldn't be enough.

Serena had done an excellent job of not telling anyone. Mrs. Jackson and Jourdan were the only two that had been told since that Saturday. Jackson was ecstatic; Jourdan was envious. She flat out called me a "selfish bitch who didn't deserve the JKC scholarship because my dad could pay for it all" and I was "making a huge mistake." Mrs. Jackson told me that she had applied for the same one, but didn't receive it due to her low grades/GPA. She also said that she'd get over it soon enough, but I didn't really care anymore. If she was that jealous, then she could deal with it; I wasn't about to give up my dream just because she couldn't make hers happen.

I looked at the time on my phone and sighed. It was 6:45 and I still hadn't even gotten a reply, and he still wasn't here. I felt like I would puke, that's how nervous I was. I stood up and started to pace in an effort to calm down. I needed to keep it together, no matter how hard this would be. I breathed in deeply, then exhaled, and repeated this again until my heart stopped racing. I hadn't had a panic attack in months, and I didn't plan on having one now.

At 7:30, I finally gave up and trudged back to the car, sighing. Right before I threw my phone onto the passenger seat, it buzzed with a new text message. "Sorry babe, stuck till closing at work. Can this wait?"

"Yeah. See you soon."

I shifted into drive and peeled out of the gravel faster than ever. God, why did I have such terrible luck? I try to do something right and then life always has to step back in and push me back down.

I reached my apartment and quickly made my way upstairs, hoping that I could catch a free moment with him before the party.

But, in the four days between, we didn't have time alone once. Every single time it seemed like we did, whether it be at his apartment or the courtyard, someone always showed up at just the right time to ruin it.

I tried one last time on the morning of graduation. I dropped by his apartment a little early. Jimmy and Cara were asleep on the couch, the both of them softly snoring away as the DVD menu replayed on a loop on the TV. I idly wondered how hard it must have been for the both of them to be apart for so long, even though they were only an hour and half away on a good day. I admired Jimmy's dedication, how he would save up money just so he could take her out when she was too stressed about her classes or to be able to pay for gas for other people to drive him, since his car had broken down long ago. It was so sweet, and only made me hope that maybe Zack could somehow do the same for me. That is, if he would ever forgive me.

I heard him moving around in his bedroom, which was a relief. I opened the door and smiled at him as he re-stringed his acoustic guitar. I almost laughed at the memory of the two of us competing against each other, the same day I found out Laura was dating my father. I remembered racing down the stairs of the record store, his impatience as the clerk took forever to ring him up, and his defeat as he realized I had a natural gift for it.

He looked up at me with a smile, and it seemed that he was reminiscing over the same thing. "Hey, you..." he said with a smile.

"Hey," I said with my own smile. "So... we graduate in a few hours. How do you feel?"

"Stoked. Matt and Jimmy and I can focus on the band and we can maybe start playing shows soon. I think we're ready."

"Avenged Sevenfold, ready to take over the world," I smiled, sitting on the bed beside him. "I wish I had everything all figured out like you do..."

He gives me a puzzled look. "What do you mean, babe? You're going to study art, right? What's there to figure out?"

Us. Where we stand. If you would still love me after what I tell you next. "A lot of things, actually."

"Such as..." He encourages, the same as every other time I've tried to tell him the very thing that's haunted me for weeks.

I took a deep breath and prepared to tell him the whole truth and nothing but the truth. "Well, I've gotten two offers--"

Someone knocked on the door then, and burst into the room without skipping a beat. "Thank God you're here, Andi, I need a favor."

I sighed. "Yes, Cara?"

"I need to borrow a dress for today. My parents are out of town and I cant get into the house because I lost my key in my dorm and I still haven't found it."

I looked at Zacky and frowned. "Yeah, I can help you out, no problem," I said with a shrug, all the while still looking at Zack.

He shrugged. "I'll see you later."

He got up and kissed me before walking across the hallway and into the bathroom. The water started to run, giving me my cue to leave.

"I interrupted something important, didn't I?" she asked as she followed me out.

"Yeah, but I guess it can wait until later," I said with a neutral tone as I unlocked my car.

After nearly an hour, we found a dress for her that fit her appropriately-- she was five inches taller than I was, after all-- and after the both of us were completely ready, we sped over to the school. I hurried into my cap, gown, and collar before practically running to the football field, where the ceremony was being held.

"Andria Maria Dawson!" I heard my mother yell, which made me sigh. "Where in God's name have you been? Your father and your friends had gotten worried, mija!"

"Sorry, Mrs. Diaz, it was my fault. I needed to get ready at her house and held her up," Cara apologized automatically.

"Well, they've asked you to start lining up, so go, mija!" my mother shoos me away, briefly hugging me before leading Cara up into the stands.

I sprinted to my position in the D's, before Tony Daxton and after Katrina Davidson, but not without earning a look from Zack on the way.

Is this what I've become reduced to? I wondered as I sat down onto the uncomfortable metal chair. I didn't know how I would be able to handle the party in a few hours. I couldn't even tell him in the weeks that have come and gone, let alone now.

I tapped my foot with impatience as I pretended to listen to Mr. Lowe drone on with his commencement speech. It was the same bullshit that I've heard a million times, almost identical to the one he made the year before, at Cara's graduation. The only thing that made it real was hearing my name called as I walked across the stage and received the fake diploma; my real one was picked up yesterday at senior checkout.

I heard the cheers of my family and friends. The pride on my parent's faces, the bittersweet looks on Tate and a few other art students, the overwhelming whooping from Cara, Brian, Charlotte, Jimmy, and everyone else, the same I gave to them.

And then, it happened. Not with a whimper, but with a bang, my world came crashing down.

"Andria Dawson is graduating with a full ride to New York University with the Jack Kent Cooke scholarship to study art, where she'll be attending in the fall. Huntington Beach High School and its faculty extends their wishes of luck and happiness in this next chapter of your life," Mr. Lowe says, making me stop cold as he shook my hand. "Move along, Dawson, you're holding up the line," he whispered, gently pushing me along.

"How-- How did you know that?" I whispered, on the verge of tears. The stadium had reduced itself to nervous whispers. "That wasn't supposed to be announced, I made sure at the rehearsals. I was supposed to tell them, not you!"

"I'm sorry, but it's tradition to announce the students that have signed, Miss Dawson."

"You've fucked it all up for me, Mr. Lowe. I hope you have a fantastic life," I spat viciously, walking down the makeshift stage and down the steps.

I knew he was following me as soon as I stepped back onto the turf. "Zack, you need to go back--"

"I couldn't give two shits right now, Andi. What the hell was that? When did you plan on telling me?!" he asked, visably angry. "Or did you plan on keeping it a secret until the day you left?"

"I tried! I tried, Zack. Every single time I tried, we got interrupted, or something came up. You weren't supposed to find out this way!" I sobbed. I could see many figures walking towards us at once, and I prayed that I could make him understand before we were forced apart.

"I can't believe this. You fucking lied to me, Andi."

"What?! No, I didn't. I would never--"

"Really? Are you really going to fucking pull that?" He shook his head and chuckled in disbelief. I'd never seen him this angry before, and I've pulled him away from plenty of fights. This was different. He was angry with me, like I knew he would be. There was no turning back now. "You promised me that you wouldn't leave."

"Mr. Baker, Miss Dawson, return to your seats immediately or you will be escorted from the ceremony," one of the security guards said, pushing us apart.

"Go ahead. Get her the hell away from me. I never want to see her again."

"No," I whispered. "He doesn't mean that. You don't mean that."

"No. Unlike you, I'm being honest. Get away from me."

"Zack, please--"

"No." He said with a cold tone, turning away from me. He began to walk back with the security guard without another word, or glance, toward me. With shaking hands, the second security guard escorted me back to my seat, where I sat and tried to hold myself together, without much success. I knew everyone had their eyes on me; everyone was talking about me, about how they just witnessed me lose Zack, how they witnessed me break his heart with my secrecy.

"Congratulations, seniors!" Mr. Lowe called one last time, and while everyone threw their caps into the air, I darted out of the crowd and tried to find him.

"He went that way," Serena calls and points to the gate. "Give me your shoes. You're gonna have to sprint to catch him."

"Thank you," I said as I tossed off the high heels. "How is everyone else?"

"I've got it under control. Go get him," she urged.

I never ran so fast in my life. I weaved in between parents and family members of my class, and dodged small children as I followed his dark black hair.

He finally slowed his pace when he reached the parking lot. "Zack!" I called, breathless. "Zack, please, let me explain!"

"What's there to explain? That you lied? That you're leaving? That you didn't really care about me, or any of our friends? Seems to me like everything's already been said," he said bitterly, not once turning to face me.

"It's not like that at all and you know it!" I replied fiercely. "Just let me explain, please..."

He continued to walk ahead. "Zacky, please, babe, let me explain. I'm begging you, please!"

He stopped walking. "Why should I?" he asked quietly, his voice strained.

"Because I love you! You mean the world to me, and keeping this from you was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Just give me five minutes, please."

He chuckles bitterly. "You should have thought about that before you lied, Andi."

"Zack, stop--"

"No! You know what? I'm fucking done. I'm done with all of your bullshit and your lies. I'm done with your distrust and the secrets. I'm done with you. "

"Baby, please," I cried softly. "Don't give up on me. On us."

He sighed. "Talk to me when you feel like telling me the truth. Goodbye, Andi."

He started to walk towards his car again, leaving me alone. Just like that, he let me go with hardly a fight. I walked over to my own car, took off my cap and gown, and let myself finally breakdown.

I had lost him, just like I knew I would.