Don't Give up on Me

Two weeks had passed without a word from Zack. As much as it killed me, I knew that if he hadn't tried to reach out to me by now, then it was truly over. I decided that he still deserved an explanation, though, so I stayed up one night and wrote it out until my hand cramped. After six drafts, I finally got it all out, and felt one million times better than before.

Of course, it was painful to tell him that he should move on, but after the rumors I heard at work saying that he was already with other girls at parties, I went on with it. I told him that I was a scared little girl and didn't hold it against him if he could never trust me again. I told him that he deserved something better than my wandering mind, and I thanked him for picking me up when I was at the lowest point in my life. I thanked him for loving me, for chasing me when I didn't know that I wanted to be chased. I told him that he was the perfect example of what a first love would be. I wished him luck on the band and his life before I ended the letter.

However, at 8 a.m. on a warm June Saturday morning, I finally got the nerve to go deliver it. I had an agenda that day, anyways, and figured I'd stop along the way and get it over with.

I ate a quick bowl of oatmeal before I laced up my new running shoes and went on a four mile run. I'd forgotten what a runner's high had felt like, or how alive it made me feel to push my body to it's limit. I knew that I had some work to do to build up my endurance back to what it used to be, but it still felt great to exercise like I used to.

When I returned home, I showered and got dressed before going to the mall to meet with Serena and Violet. They were going to help me get some of the shopping for my dorm done so I didn't have to worry about it later.

Violet had a sour look on her face when I arrived though, which concerned me. "I have to tell her," she said to Serena, who gave her a look of alarm and shook her head firmly.

"Tell me what?" I asked as I sat down at the table, puzzled.

"This will devastate her, Violet. She's not ready," Serena says firmly, passing me the juice I asked her to order for me on my way here.

"I'm right here, guys."

They both turned to me and registered me before turning back to each other. "Come on, just tell me, Vi."

"Zack and Jourdan are hooking up," she said quickly before taking a long sip of her drink.

"So, the rumors are true..." I trailed off with a sigh.

"You already knew?"

"I work with her for Christ's sake. Tate told me he overheard her telling one of the other waitresses while she was training him," I shrugged, sipping my juice. "I thought she was doing that to spite me, but if it's true..."

"She was at the apartment last night," Serena sighed. "She's really not a pretty drunk."

"I wonder how they even got together. They have nothing in common, and she graduated like, four years ago. Don't you think that's weird?"

They both looked at each other and sighed. "They have a past, too, Andi. She never told you that?"

"Or he? They always hooked up off and on until you came along."

"This is the same guy that never planned on telling me that you were his ex-girlfriend until I saw you confront him in the hallway junior year," I replied to Serena.

"You've got a point," she sighs. "Anyways, are you okay?"

"Yeah. Um, it's whatever, you know? I wrote him a letter and I'm delivering it later. It's over between us, and I still owe him an explanation, so..." I trailed off, sighing. "I mean, it fucking sucks because I was hoping it wasn't true, but... whatever."

I closed my eyes tightly and fought off the tears that threatened to show. I needed to be strong, especially since I was about to sever the last excuse I had to talk to him later on today. I just had to hold it together until then.

"Let's go," I finally said, picking up my drink and handbag and leading the way.

After a couple of hours of retail therapy, I loaded up the Mustang and went back home. My house was already a mess of boxes, due to the fact that Ryan and I were both in the process of moving. The renter decided last minute that he needed us to move out and didn't tell us until a week before I graduated. We had one week left to move out, so I was packing like crazy so I could move it to the McMansion, where we'd be living for the rest of the summer.

I couldn't help but think about how I probably would've moved in with Zack if I didn't fuck things up between us. It was a stupid thought to torture myself with, but I couldn't help it. When he and I got together, I never saw us ending like this. To be completely honest, I didn't see us ending at all. I clung onto the hope that we'd last as long as my grandparents did, but I was severely wrong. Our year together flew by too fast, and I didn't stop to appreciate it once until I lost him.

I stopped wrapping the plate in protective plastic and looked at Ryan. "I'll be back in an hour. If you don't hear anything from me after, then feel free to blow up my phone."

"What? Andi, where are you--"

"In an hour, Ryan," I repeated, grabbing my bag and keys before rushing out the door.

I truly wished that Zack didn't live so close to me at this moment. The one minute drive over felt like only a second, and as I pulled into the carport, I discovered that my usual spot had been taken by Jourdan's Honda. It felt weird to park farther down, but I did it, and tried to coach myself to go inside.

Who cares that she's probably in there? Do what you came to do and leave. It'll be easy.

I sure hoped that my gut was right.

I took the stairs one at a time, one hand on the warm metal railing and the other on the letter in my bag. Get in and get out, I reminded myself as I knocked on the door.

After a couple of moments, the door opened and revealed an extremely tired looking Jimmy. "Little Red!" he said with a smile, then registered the situation. "Oh, shit..."

He eased around me and shut the door. "Um--"

"I already know about them, Jimmy, don't worry about it," I cut in before he could start. "I just wanted to give him something and go."

"Will you take a walk with me first, Dee? I haven't seen you since five minutes after graduation, when you sort of went insane," he asked earnestly.

Despite how embarrassed I was about that, I smiled. You see, when I broke down in my car, I didn't just do the normal stuff, like, you know, cry. I couldn't stop screaming, because it felt like my heart had literally been torn out of me. "Not my best moment, I'll admit. But I could use the fresh air."

"And the sun. You're really pale. Like a zombie."

"Does my skin really look gray?!" I asked in horror, making him laugh as we walked down the stairs.

"Nah, I'm just kidding," he grinned. "You doing okay, Andi? You've been hiding out like a walker waiting to strike lately."

"Okay, Jimmy, seriously, enough with the zombie shows. And, yeah, I'm alright. I guess. I'm at a solid 30% at this moment."

He frowned. "Ouch."

I shrugged. "It's my fault, anyways. If I hadn't kept my acceptance a secret, or done any of the things I did, then he and I would be together.."

"Don't think like that. Shit happens, but it's not entirely your fault. Remember that one time you two fought and nearly broke up a few months ago?"

I nodded. "He bolted, remember? That's what he does when he loses control of a situation. When Lowe announced your decision, he left because he lost control. He's blaming you because he doesn't want to admit that he's scared."

I stopped walking and looked at him in amazement. "Wow, Jimmy. I never realized--"

"Cara's actually the one who pointed that out, I'm just repeating her words," he cut in before I could finish complimenting him.

"Oh," I said softly before I started walking again. "Well, it's still true."

"I'm just sorry that he treated you like shit," he said quietly. "You deserve more respect than that."

I took his hand and squeezed it. "It's okay, Jimmy. Thank you."

"You're welcome, Little Red."

We reached a 4-way stop then. The left led to the beach, the right led towards more houses, and straight ahead led to a small strip mall of locally owned Mom and Pop stores. Gauging by how his speed didn't slow and his inclination to go left, I continued to walk with him down towards the beach and the pier.

"Are you excited, you know, to go to New York?" he asked after a few silent minutes.

"Yeah," I replied as my insides began to fill with that familiar nervous excitement at the mentioning of New York. "I really am, Jimbo. My dad and Laura are buying a restaurant up there, too, so where I'll be staying after my freshman year will be the apartment they keep up there."

"That's good," he nodded, looking towards the ground then. "Do you plan on living up there after you get your degree and everything too?"

"I haven't thought that far ahead. Maybe for a year or two, just to try and establish myself as an artist. But I'll be coming back here as often as I can, and hopefully moving back as well. You cant get rid of me that easily."

He grinned. "I know we'll see each other plenty of times before you leave, but, I'm still going to really fucking miss you, my Little Red."

"Oh, Jimmy," I sighed, leaning into him and hugging him tightly. "I'm gonna miss you, too, you know. Who else am I going to sing every Queen song ever made with while on road trips, or make new drinks with? I guess I'll just have to wait until you all go on tour in a few years and hope for the best."

"Of course, Dee. We'll be partying in New York by this time next year, I guarantee it."

I grinned. "That's a bet, then."

We reached the beach then, but promptly turned around, because it was very crowded due to it being Saturday and all. We continued to make small talk with each step, until we reached the stairs leading up to his apartment once again.

"Weren't you going to give him something?" he asked, looking down at me from a few steps up.

"Yeah, um, just this," I replied, pulling the letter out of my bag. He raised an eyebrow. "Its an explanation. I owe him that much. Can you make sure he gets it?"

He jumps down to the space next to me and takes it from my hands gently. "Of course, Andi."

I sighed. "I'll see you later, Jim."

"Okay," he says, and gives me a hug. I started to feel my chest tighten at the realization that after this, I probably wouldn't see Zack again. I would no longer be able to call him at four in the morning because I couldn't sleep or feel his strong arms hold me anymore. Jimmy continued to comfort me as I tried to get myself back under control, and shushed me when I tried to apologize for being such a mess.

I pulled away after a few minutes and mumured, "I should go."

"Are you going to be okay?" he asked, and I nodded. "Alright, Little Red. Goodbye."

"Goodbye," I replied to him hoarsely, turning and walking towards the carport. Walking away from that building for the last time was like breaking up with him all over again. But, it had to be done. The chapter of my life spent with him was officially done, and now I was starting the next without him. There was no turning back after this, no matter how desperately I wished that I could.

I pushed the keys into the ignition and sped away, leaving him behind for good.