A Love I Can't Erase

Andrew’s Point of view

Looking at him drove me insane. Hearing him talk made everything else disappear. In my world somehow only he seemed to exist. His fluffy black hair, always seeming a bit messy. Then his laugh, ringing through the tour bus when CC told him one of his jokes. His torso, when running around without a shirt, his perfect v-lines, his OUTLAW-tattoo. He was an angel. Totally perfect. Unbelievable. And never would he be mine. I was quite sure of that but I just couldn’t help but admire him, his character, his beauty. He was like a drug that I was addicted to. There was no way out.

“Hey Andy! What are you staring at?” Jinxx asked and all the attention in the bus turned directly to me. Damn, drifted off again.
“Uuuum, nothing” I lied, blushing. “I was just off.”
“Yeah, we saw that.” Ashley grinned. I just started to blush even more.
“So, who is she?”, he wanted to know, looking at me, expecting some awesome news about me being into some girl. Well, I obviously was into someone. Though this someone was not being a girl, but my bassist.
“Who?” I asked back. This was getting boring. They always asked me who I was into, expecting some girl’s name to fall from my lips. It wouldn’t even draw attention if I’d just say “Ashley”. They’d just find it funny that I could have found a girl who had the same name as our bassist.
“Well, that girl you’re always thinking of!” CC said with an incredulous look upon his face.
“Well, I’m not thinking about a girl.” I answered truthfully, for once. Ashley began to laugh.
“A boy then?” he guessed. I shot him a glare, got up and walked towards the bunks.
“This is getting boring, guys. I’ll just write some lyrics” I said before leaving them to their suspicions.
After climbing into my bunk, I put my ear buds in and listened to some Misfits. This always calmed me down, but at the moment Ashley’s laugh was all that I could think of. He never took my bi-sexuality serious. Since I came out he made fun of it, always joking that I just wanted a bigger choice. That wasn’t true at all. I just wanted Ashley. And I would never get him. Never. My love for him was pointless; there would never be a happy end for me.
Tears rolled down my cheeks and I silently cursed myself for crying over something I always knew.
Someone lightly touched my arm and I gave a start, immediately pulling my ear buds out and looking to my right. It was Ashley with a worried look on his face, arm still stretched out a bit.
“I’m sorry” he said and I just shook my head.
“I just didn’t expect someone” I explained. Relief flashed over his face, but the worried look in his eyes remained. I liked them more when they were shining bright with laughter. “So, what did you want?”
“Erm, may I?” he asked hesistantly, gesturing at the place opposite of me. I nodded and pulled my knees up to my chest, so he had more space. He climbed into my bunk, closing the curtain. I heard the others silently talk in the living area of the bus.
“I wanted to talk to you” Ashley said seriously and looked into my eyes. What would he want to talk about? It was no use because he would make fun of me either way.
“About what?”
“You know, that you can talk to me if you have any problems, right?” I nodded my head, not knowing where this was going. “Also if the problem has to do something with me.” Another nod from me.
“What was your problem then earlier? I just want everything to be ok between us.” Ashley said with a sad tone. “I mean, you know I was just kidding!”
“I wish you weren’t” I replied silently, looking down on my knees, finding my jeans totally fascinating.
“What?”
“I wish you weren’t kidding. I’m bi, Ashes. I’m not only thinking about girls. I actually hardly think about girls.” I confessed, still looking at my knees, hugging them closer to my chest. Ashley sat silent for a while, apparently thinking about what I just said. I couldn’t believe that I had to explain this again. I mean, he was my best friend and somehow he just couldn’t accept the fact that I also liked boys.
“You were really serious with this?” he finally asked. I dared looking up at him. Confusion clouded his beautiful brown eyes. He wasn’t shocked and he didn’t seem to hate me. He just seemed confused. I nodded, dreading his reaction. He looked down, fumbling with the hem of his shirt. Furrowing his brows, he once again seemed to get lost in his thoughts. I averted my gaze again, wanting to stroke his cheek, telling him everything. He looked vulnerable and I wanted to make him feel better. I didn’t dare touching him, though. I just confessed I was into boys and he would take this as a try to get with him. Not that this would be completely absurd…. Ashley sighed, making me look at him again. He gazed at the wall, a tear escaping his eye. I reached to wipe it away, but Ashley just shook his head. I let my hand sink and studied his expression, watching the tear rolling down his cheek. He had hoped I was joking, I could sense that. But I wasn’t. It was true.
“So… that explains all the blushing around me, I guess” he whispered, not looking at me. I was surprised. Of course, it should have been obvious to everyone that I was into Ashley. But that he just rubbed it into my face that I had a crush on him was something I didn’t expect.
“Yeah” I replied miserably, focusing on the fabric. I didn’t want to look at him. He probably hated me and never wanted to talk to me again. I could understand that. It would be even more awkward now, than it was before. I hugged my knees and stared at the ugly dark-greenish curtain of my bunk. It seemed to mirror my mood somehow. I tried to stay calm, telling myself that it would all work out somehow.
“You know…” Ashley started.
“Hm?” I answered, without even looking at him. I just couldn’t. Even thinking of him hurt. Looking at his perfect body would make it worse. I felt miserable anyway. No need to worsen my situation.
He sat silent for a moment. Then he pulled the curtain aside and got up.
“Never mind.” With that he left. I stayed in my bunk, staring after him. What was that all about? I was more than confused. He apparently just wanted to say or explain or tell me something. Why did he change his mind? He was the one that just said that we could always come to each other with our problems. Why did he leave me here like that?
I closed the curtain, putting music on again, not wanting to think about any of this. I just wanted to relax for once.

I must have fallen asleep and when I woke up, Ash lay on my other side, quite cuddled up to me. I nearly got a heart attack and didn’t know what to think. I actually thought that he wanted some space after we talked. That was the only explanation for his behavior earlier that has come to my mind. But obviously I have been wrong. He was here, lying next to me, cuddled up against my chest. I softly stroked a strand of his hair out of his face, smiling a little to myself. I just hoped that he knew what he was doing when he came to my bunk. Maybe he would regret it, as soon as he woke up? Dammit Biersack! Stop doubting yourself already! I looked at Ashley’s peaceful face. He really was an angel. Maybe even my angel? I let a bit of hope into my heart. Maybe I had a chance. Maybe. But maybe he has only been out partying, came back to the bus drunk and just wanted someone to cuddle up to and would totally regret this? It felt so good having his arms around me. He moved a bit, sighing before his eyes fluttered open. I immediately blushed, averting my gaze, and tried to let go of him somehow. I didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable.
“Stop that, silly. I’m comfy.” he protested sleepily, snuggling up to me. I raised an eyebrow, leaving my arms where they were and wondered what was going on with that boy.
“Are you sure?” I asked shyly. Maybe he would realize now, that it was me next to him and not some chick. But he just nodded slightly and sighed once more. I kept totally still for the next minutes, not even daring to breathe properly. I didn’t know why. It just seemed unreal to me that he was here.
“You know, you’re allowed to breathe right?” Ash laughed silently and lightly kissed my neck. The breath I wanted to take got stuck somewhere in my lungs and I was shocked. He kissed me. Why? Why was he doing that to me?
“Ashley, that’s not funny, you know that.” I just said. Tears welled up in my eyes and I got angry. If this was some of his japes I would be pissed. Really pissed. Playing with someone’s feelings was just cruel and not fair.
“I don’t mean to be funny.”
“What is it then?” I wanted to tell him that this hurt me, that I hated it when people wouldn’t take me seriously.
“I’m trying to be honest. Don’t be angry, I know you are. What I wanted to tell you yesterday… well… I think I might have the same feelings…” he tried to explain, but I was bitchy already and didn’t want any of that.
“You don’t know shit about my feelings!” I just snapped at him. I knew that this wasn’t exactly fair of me, but I just wanted to protect myself.
“Andy, please calm down and let me explain myself.” Ash said, looking into my eyes. We were both sitting up by now. I just nodded, still not thinking that I could believe any of this.
“Well… I actually do have feelings for you since I’m in the band. I was scared because I never felt such things for a guy before. I thought you would kick me out if you found out. Jinxx somehow got it, you know how he is, always sensing that something is going on. I told him everything. He actually gave me the advice to go and talk to you about it and I really wanted to, but I just couldn’t. I always told myself I would do it tomorrow and then the day after… I only delayed this discussion. And when you started acting a bit weird around me and told us you were bi I first thought that you were joking. Then I thought that maybe it was the chance I was always waiting for. I wanted to tell you yesterday but I just couldn’t get the words out. I’m sorry for this misunderstanding, Andy, but I really, really, really do like you.” he had looked into my eyes while talking. They were all honesty and love. I was speechless. I just wanted to tell him how much he meant to me but I just didn’t know how.
“Andy, are you okay?” he asked concerned and I immediately regretted that I just didn’t do anything at all. I didn’t want him to be concerned. I wanted him to be happy. I raised a hand and stroked his cheek and nodded happily. Ashley started to smile, making my heart melt.
“Ashes, I just… you mean so much to me. I thought I would ruin everything between us, when I told you… I’m just happy that you feel the same. Please be mine.” I begged. His face lit up and he nodded.
“I’m yours, I never wanted it any other way”
We slowly leaned towards each other, our eyes closing in the same moment and our lips collided. It was better than I ever imagined. My hand slowly crept under his shirt and up his side, making him shiver. I pulled his shirt off and admired his torso once again. Like I always did when I saw him without a shirt. I climbed unto his lap, caressed his chest and started to kiss his neck. He silently moaned and fumbled with my shirt, apparently wanting me to take it off. I leaned back and grinned at him.
“So, you just wanna rid me off my shirt, huh?” I asked mockingly. He just grinned and nodded, pulling my shirt over my head and tossed it to the side. Our lips met again in a passionate kiss that made us both eager for more. This was the happiest moment in my life.