Don't Fear the Reaper

Natalie sat at the old kitchen table, rubbing small circles with her thumbs on the large blue coffee mug she had wrapped her hands around in an attempt to steady them. The now cold liquid that filled the mug had done nothing to alleviate the pain she felt throughout her entire body.¬ As she sat surrounded only by silence she tried to push away memories of Scott.

He used to cook breakfast for her in that very kitchen every morning; moving fluidly in the tight space, cracking eggs and buttering toast. Natalie would always marvel at the fact that he made it all look so easy when she could barely boil water. He would always turn away from the stove in the middle of cooking just to tell her that he would love her forever. The thought of their eternal love made her scoff now as she rose from the table and poured out her old coffee.

“Just remember, Nat, no matter what happens we’ll be together forever,” she said, dropping the mug into the sink and then running a hand through her long auburn hair. She cursed under her breath as she felt more tears build behind her dark eyes.

She had convinced herself that she couldn’t shed anymore tears for him. Then again, she had thought the same thing after she’d visited Scott in the hospital, and after the wake, and then again after the funeral but the tears still came.

He’d been sick for a while but he had assured her, with that never ending charm of his, that his illness could never kill him. When the doctors discovered that Scott had stage three lung cancer at the young age of twenty-four Natalie was filled with an immediate feeling of dread that spread through her entire body. She remembered wrapping her arms around his large frame and sobbing into his chest when he told her, but he promised her that he was strong enough to beat his cancer. She believed him, of course; how could she not believe those trustworthy hazel eyes she’d come to know and love?

Through all his painful and expensive treatments, Scott stayed strong for Natalie. Every time he went to the hospital for his chemotherapy he would ask her to stay because he knew in his heart that she needed to be needed. The concern and pain that showed on her soft face every time the doctor told him the treatments weren’t working hurt him even more than the painful treatments themselves. As his condition worsened, she made sure that she never left his side.

After battling his cancer for two years, Scott was hospitalized with pneumonia which would eventually lead to his death.

Natalie’s mind raced with thoughts of Scott’s last days and she began to feel dizzy. She placed her hands on the old, linoleum countertop to steady herself as her body was wracked with sobs. She placed one hand over her mouth in an attempt to silence herself but it made no difference and eventually she slid to the cold kitchen floor, curling up with her face buried in her hands.

After Natalie’s tears had subsided she remained on the kitchen floor, not quite sure what to do with herself. She didn’t know how long she’d been laying there but after some time the doorbell rang and she forced herself to stand.

As she moved through the narrow hallway that led to the front door she thought about how she must look. She knew her eyes must be red and her hair was a wavy mess that was partially stuck to her still wet face. When she reached the door of her modest home she opened it to reveal her sister, Kate, holding a large brown bag in her small hand.

“Hi,” Natalie whispered moving to leave enough room for Kate to step inside. The petite brunette stepped over the threshold closing the door behind her. After dropping the big bag on the floor she wrapped her slender arms around Natalie, who at first resisted the contact but then settled into the embrace.

“I brought Chinese food, it fixes everything,” Kate mumbled into her sister’s unruly mane. Natalie felt herself smile for the first time in three weeks at the older woman’s words; it felt foreign to her.

After eating their food mostly in silence Kate turned to Natalie and cleared her throat. “I have something to tell you. It’s something Scott wanted you to know,” she said carefully.

Natalie felt her heart tighten as she imagined what Kate could have to say. What could he have told Kate that he couldn’t tell her? “What?”

Kate looked down at her hands for a moment and then back up at her sister, “at the hospital, the night before he died, you fell asleep while I was visiting, remember?” Natalie nodded so Kate continued, “he told me that he wasn’t afraid to die because he knew that even after he was gone he would still have you. He said one day you’d be together again and that there was no reason for you to be sad or scared.”

Natalie contemplated this for a while. He wasn’t afraid of death and he didn’t want her to be either. After two years of fighting he had accepted his fate and he wanted her to as well, but the thought of accepting that the only person she ever cared about was gone hurt her too much. “How can I just accept it?” she questioned.

Kate reached across the kitchen table and took Natalie’s hands in hers. “People die every day, Nat, and Scott knew that.”

“Then why did he promise that we’d be together forever, that he’d love me forever?” Natalie questioned sharply as she felt all the painful feelings rise to the surface again.

“Because he knew that he’d still love you after he was gone and that you’d still love him,” Kate answered simply. Natalie gripped Kate’s hands tighter as the words left her mouth. She did still love Scott, she knew she always would.

A tear slid down Natalie’s cheek as she began to process what Kate had said. What she had with Scott, at least according to him, could transcend the physical world she thought love was confined to. “You’ll be together again someday,” Kate said quietly.

“I know,” Natalie whispered as a small soft smile spread across her face.