I Was a Dreamer before You Went and Let Me Down

-Sidney-

I wake up early as usual and make my way out the door heading to the arena for practice. A couple of the guys give me knowing nods as I enter the locker room, Pascal Dupuis, Marc-Andre Fluery, and Geno know the full story, and by the end of today so will the rest of the team and the coaching staff.

I ask Byslma, and Mario for a quick meeting after practice to which they agree to and change quickly making my way out onto the ice.

Practice goes by too quickly as I try to think of the most diplomatic way to word what needs to be said. I’m going to be a father whether they like it or not, and at 26 years old Duper, Flower and Geno are right I need to take control of my life outside of this place not them, it was never there’s to control anyway.

The guys give me good luck nods as I head out of the locker room and make my way up to the conference room to see Dan, Mario, and Ray Shero sitting at the table. I turn the phone on in the center of the table and call my father quickly when he picks up the phone I start talking.

“When I started on this team I was naïve enough to believe that when you guys said no girlfriend that meant I really shouldn’t have one. I’m 26 now and I’m done being told what my life can be off the ice. My ex girlfriend is pregnant, its mine and whether you all like it or not she’s going to have the baby and I’m going to be a father. I’ve missed the last 2 doctors’ appointments but I will not miss next week’s where we find out if the baby is a boy or girl. I will not miss the birth of my child, and just because Jesy lives in Buffalo while the other guys have their girlfriends/ wives and children here, if she calls and says the baby is sick or she is sick or she needs me for anything I’m going, like it or not”

“No you’re n-” my father booms over the speaker of the phone

“Like it or not” I repeat and he goes silent

“Buffalo? Isn’t that the bartender that’s with Toews now? How do you know it’s yours?” Mario says and I look at him in surprise “Owners talk Sid, and we see more than you think we do”

“I know the baby isn’t his because I can do math” I say sternly

“Sidney” Dan says and I turn to him with wide eyes “Congratulations on the baby” he says standing and patting me on the shoulder “Ray, I don’t think this meeting is exactly for us” he says and Ray nods once standing as well sending me a small smile before they both exit the room.

The door no more than closes when my father’s voice booms over the speaker phone, telling me I’m irresponsible, that Jesy is only out for my money and that this will hurt my career. When Mario starts I’m already pissed and when he makes a crack about Jesy being after money I slam my hands down on the table.

“Both of you were married in this league, both of you had children in this league and yet it’s been both of your missions to make sure that my life doesn’t leave the ice. If either of you even knew Jesy you would both know that every word coming out of your mouth about her is total bullshit! I was drafted because I can play hockey, I’m on this team because I can play hockey, I have the contract I have because I’m a damn good hockey player. Not one fan that sells out this arena is going to give two shits about me having a girlfriend or a baby, and if they do then they damn sure are not a fan of this game. I don’t care if we lose part of our fan base because I have a kid, if that happens oh well, I’m not here to be a fucking sex symbol so women will let their boyfriends or husbands watch hockey and go to the games. I’m not here to be the face that sells tickets and jerseys, I’m here to play hockey, be a leader and win the Stanley Cup. Quite frankly if my job was supposed to be anything other than that then you should have made someone else your captain. Now as for her dating Toews, the only reason that happened is because when I came into this league I thought if anything the two of you would have been the ones to make sure no one used the 18 year old kid as a door mat, yet it’s been the two of you walking all over me the entire time, basically bullying me into breaking up with her and this is where we are now. Right now I don’t care what either of you think, I’m going to be a father, dad, you’re going to be a grandfather and if you can’t accept Jesy then you won’t see your grandchild. Mario you’ve been like an adopted dad so the same goes for you. And don’t even try to say another word because this conversation is over”

I turn abruptly and make my way out of the conference room slamming the heavy wooden door behind me.I make my way outside, it’s a lot colder than it was yesterday and the rain that fell the day before is now freezing over as the snow falls on top of it. I drive slowly not wanting to spin out on black ice, while trying to control my temper.

The drive takes twice as long as it should with the roads and when I turn in my driveway I see someone sitting on the porch I sigh. Getting closer to the house I see dark jeans tucked into light brown boots, a gray coat is wrapped tightly around someone’s torso and a blue and gold Sabres beanie is pulled down tight over brownish/ red straight hair as a head lies softly on top of arms crossed over legs trying to keep warm. A small smile makes its way onto my face, it vanishes just as quickly I look at the clock it’s after 2pm the snow is built up around her quite a bit, she’s been here a while, something must be wrong. I throw the car in park and kill the engine before taking off towards the front porch. About 3 steps in I slide on the hidden ice below the blanket of snow and am forced to slow down.

When I make it to the porch I hear her soft breathing, somehow she fell asleep out here. I make my way around her quietly and unlock the door before returning and picking her up carefully carrying her into the house. I lay her down on the couch before carefully removing her snowy boots placing them by the heater vent to dry out. I leave her hat coat and gloves intact and cover her with the blanket on the back of the couch. I make my way out to the kitchen and make a pot of coffee, then return to the living room making a fire while the coffee perks.

I return to the kitchen after the fire is going and pour two cups of coffee putting cream and sugar in Jesy cup before I hear a small voice from the living room

“Sid?” I turn the corner and smile at her “I thought I smelled coffee” she says with a smile reaching out for the cup, she shrugs her coat off pulling off her gloves and her hat before looking around the room in confusion

“You’re in my living room” I guess taking her coat shoving her gloves and hat in a pocket and hanging it in the hall

“Where’s my bag?”

“Bag?” I ask walking back into the living room to see her nodding “I didn’t see one”

“I had it next to me on the porch, it’s my duffle bag”

“I’ll go look” I say and turn for the front door opening it to reveal seemingly double the snow in just the 20 minutes I’ve been in the house. I root around for the bag pulling it from the snow and turning back for the house closing the door behind me “Found it, everything in it is probably wet, you can use my dryer if you’d like” I suggest with a shrug

“Oh man I was hoping something would be dry my pants are wet from sitting in the snow” she says ruffling through the bag and sighing in irritation

“You can borrow something of mine it’s no problem” she mumbles a thanks and follows me up the stairs I pull a pair of penguins sweat pants out of the bottom drawer and an old penguins hoodie “If you want to warm up you can use my shower, I would let you use a guest bathroom but quiet honestly the only one that uses those is my mother, so she’s the only one that knows where the towels are and how to work the shower” I say with a shrug and she nods “I’m gonna go shovel its getting pretty bad out. The washer and dryer are the first thing in the basement, which is the second door on the right in the downstairs hallway. Make yourself comfortable”

She only nods again and I make my way down the stairs and out the door shovel in hand, breaking up the ice under the rapidly falling snow.I finish about a half hour later making my way back in the house to find Jesy sitting on the couch braiding her wet hair

“Hungry?” I ask and she nods I make my way into the kitchen her a few steps behind me and I pull stuff out to cook

“Sidney Crosby can cook? Who would have guessed” she teases

“Oh, think you can do better?” I tease back and she laughs nodding

“Don’t let me stop you then” I say stepping away from the counter and she laughs even harder

“I don’t know where anything is here and besides I’m a guest” I nod in agreement and go back to cooking. When it's done we eat in silence.

“So, any games on tonight?” I finally ask trying to break the awkward silence filling the room she nods

“Blackhawks play tonight” she says innocently and I scoff bitterly before I can stop it and she rolls her eyes. I try to change topics before it starts a fight

“So what brought you to Pittsburgh?” she shrugs

“I guess I just needed out of Buffalo” she says quietly

“Yeah rough season start for them huh?” I say and she shoots me a look that says that’s not it “Or…” I start not sure of where to go with the conversation

“So we’re back to watching hockey” she says quietly and I nod “What time is it anyway?” she asks and I look at the clock it being a lot later than I thought

“Just after 7”

“Oh, Blackhawks doesn’t start until 8”

“How is Jon anyway?” I ask bitterly

“Fine” she says shortly

“And what would he think if he knew you just randomly flew to Pittsburgh, to see me and not Chicago to see him?” I ask suddenly not caring if we fight or not

“He’d be fine with it, he trusts me. He loves me” she says hand on her hip ready for a fight

-Jesy-

"He told you he loves you?" He asks

"Yes why is it hard for you to imagine someone loving me?" I spit back

"No it's just" he starts and I cut him off

"Not everyone needs 2 years to still not know how they feel about someone Sidney" I say bitterly and head for the door

"Hey" he says grabbing my wrist and spinning me around pinning me against the wall "You're out of your damn mind if you think I don't love you Jesy"

"Well you sure had a funny way of showing it" I say quietly

"Jesy you'll never understand it" he yells slamming his hand into the wall by my head and I flinch and look away from him as he continues a rant I try to block out; his hand hitting the wall multiple times in emphasis. "God I'm such a dumbass to have ever..." He says looking up at the ceiling saying something I don't catch.

He takes a deep breath and I finally chance making eye contact with him his eyes are glassed over a look I haven't seen many times and never in my direction, only on the ice, right before a fight "Sidney" I whisper trying to hide the fear and tears in my voice, he ignores me still seemingly looking through me he opens his mouth to start yet another rant "Sidney" I say again just slightly louder and coming out as more of a whimper. Finally his eyes connect with mine and widen in realization as tears roll down my cheeks.

"Jesy" he says quietly he reaches to wipe a tear from my cheek and I flinch away I see his eyes soften and sadden as his shoulders slump "Baby, no, please no don't do that. Don't be scared of me please" he pleads pulling me into him wrapping his arms around my waist and burying his face in my neck "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, stop crying please" he says wiping away at my cheeks as more tears fall anyway "I'm not angry with you, I'm angry at me, I just let you walk away" he says, his face is just inches from mine his eyes drop for a moment then meet mine again. He bites his lip and inside I'm begging for him to chance it and kiss me.

As I stare into his soft eyes my mind lets me forget the anger I just saw and the fear I just felt. I find my mind is forgetting to remind me he's a bad idea that we'll only fall apart anyway, instead it's resorted to inaudibly screaming kiss me.

"I'm not with Jon" I find myself mumbling before I can stop it

"What? But you jus-"

"He loved me, I don't love him" I blurt out. I had no intention of telling him this but the look in his eyes tells me he needs to hear it as much as I need to say it. A small smile makes its way across his face and before I can process it his lips meet mine, my mind lets out a content sigh. His soft lips move perfectly with mine as I knot my fingers into his hair. He pulls me closer and I gasp and push him away when his hand gently touches the small should be baby bump. Instantly tears fill my eyes again and he looks at me confused.

"Jesy, what is it? What did I do? I thought-" he stammers and grabs my face gently in both of his hands as my crying turns into sobbing "Jesy, you need to breathe baby, what's wrong? Tell me so I can fix it"

I try my hardest to take a deep breath choking out a sob instead "Sid I, I" I stutter and he shushes me pulling me in tighter trying to calm me down

"You what baby?" He prods gently as my sobbing calms down from near panic attack level

"Sidney I lost the baby" I stammer pulling away from him to meet his eyes, his jaw drops he studies me for a moment speechless “I’m sorry” I mumble

“No, don’t be sorry, are you ok? Should you be at the doctors?” he asks rushed “Should you be sitting? Do you need anything?” he rambles out dragging me towards his couch

“Sidney, I’m fine” I say pulling my hand from his grasp

“When did you…” he starts

“Last week” I say quietly

“Jesy why didn’t you tell me!?” I shrug “I could have been there!”

“What would you have done Sidney?” I ask bitterly

He reaches out and grabs my wrist gently pulling me into him and collapsing on the couch pulling me into his lap and wrapping his arms tightly around my waist, kissing my temple softly

“This, I would have done this” he says softly “I’m so sorry baby, you didn’t deserve that”